So you are all saying “Where is it”? Why isn’t today’s post called ’50 Shades of Chemo’ Some of you may have seen where it is on my site and will not even bother reading this but for the rest of you I will tell you where it is at the end of this post so that you are forced to read about my daily ramblings, cruel aren’t I or maybe I’ve become dominant LOL

So why is today’s post called the ta-dah moment? Because I’m a bloody idiot sometimes, that’s why! I like to think as we all do that we understand the technology at out finger tips but sometimes the simple things pass us by. Many of you have said that you don’t get to see by blog until Steve shares it. Now I thought that it was you lot either missing my shares or you didn’t bother reading it, which is also fine. Leanne BFF, tonight pointed out that I don’t actually ever share my own blog! It appears on my timeline but not on yours, so for the past 6 weeks now I haven’t even been sharing it with you all, now don’t I feel a right tit? I thank everyone who shares it everyday, and still do but to all of my friends on Facebook unless you were connected with Steve would never have known that my blog was there. I am sorry and slightly embarrassed. This has also caused Leanne to have another reason to take the piss out of me, forever OMG!

The other ‘ta-dah’ moment should have been when I gave the store managers today an actual hard copy of the project work I’ve been working on throughout the past few weeks. I wasn’t nervous at all about presenting it or their feedback as it’s a good tool that will be provided for them for peak trade set up and delivery. I know the subject matter, I can answer any questions so what could possibly go wrong??? Well you know what I’m like FFS! I left the copies of the main all important documents that I’d printed at home and Guy had to rescue me using old copies that we had previously worked on together, What a right tit again! I blame ‘chemo brain,’ oh the shame of it. Once home I had to email Guy with the up to date version so that the team had even the first clue of what I’m going to produce for them 🙁

Leanne BFF asked how everyone was with me, a good question that I didn’t know how to answer actually. The meeting was planned around my chemo free week but had to be moved. I struggled to walk, stand and talking for long periods, trying to be the old jolly me was so hard. So how does that make people feel towards me when they only ever saw me as a tall, loud, overbearing woman who walks at the speed of Zola Bud turn into someone more like Mrs Overall? I have no idea. I do look well I know that and I still have my hair, that helps I think. Do people still feel uneasy as to what to say to me, I don’t know. Everyone in the BHS family has been wonderful. I know the genuine hugs of love from the ‘oh shit I never liked her but she is ill so I’ll be nice’ ones and that’s okay too as at least they are also genuine in there own sweet way. I left the meeting before it ended so that I could get home to relax before the excitement of doing ’50 Shades of Chemo’ for you. I was so glad to be back home, relaxed and safe. Glad I’d done it but embarrassed about my pack and worried about Guy and Carolyn as family health worries are written in the laughter of their faces (you can’t kid a kidder) I can see their pain too.

Doing ’50 Shades of Chemo’ was also a ‘ta-dah’ moment/evening for us all. I thought that this would cause great laughter and at times there certainly was laughter at what should and shouldn’t go into it. However both Mr Grey and my BFF finally understood the serious side of the problem that couples face during chemo and also the bigger picture of long term illness or disability. Whilst sexual in nature the conversation was more about emotions, dealing with guilt, anxiety or stress long term and still having a basic functional sexual need.

The 4 of us composed ’50 Shades of Chemo’ and of course a Chinese was ordered (no crispy duck, lol) as it’s hard work all this writing stuff, it was a treat we all enjoyed. I’d been into High Wycombe from 1 pm and therefore by about 10 pm I was struggling with my energy. Steve, Leanne and Rebecca played Mario Kart whilst I slept in the chemo gazebo. Now there’s a friend for you who just accepts that an evening with you will include, sex, food and games but your mate will fall asleep too, sorry Leanne. Once awoken by Steve after an hour Leanne and I stayed up until the wee hours just talking, girlie chats, sharing moments. Mr Grey had to leave us by 8 pm but I did get this photo of him stroking my pussy in the chemo gazebo before he left! Now Mr Vines and Mr Grump Bum will be jealous LOL.

We all really do hope that you enjoy ’50 Shades of Chemo’ It is not meant to offend anyone at all. So if you don’t want to read it then that’s fine. Also if you are under 16 you can’t read it (Healthy and Safety covered again) To our mom’s we are sorry if you realise that we even knew of such things detailed in the information but it was produced only due to the lack of any practical advice from the professionals because it’s stuff that we don’t talk about. If this blog is ever going to help anyone it has to be ‘wart’s and all’ always was and always will be.

For those of you still able to enjoy the full buffet of life then enjoy yourselves and if you do read ’50 Shades of Chemo’ it may just stop you and make you think again of all the starters you could be enjoying again rather than just stuffing yourself on crispy duck 🙂

‘50 Shades of Chemo‘ can be found on the side menu bar listed as a ‘page’ above ‘About me’ ENJOY

Now today is going to be a challenging and long day for me. I have to present at a business meeting, this will be a pleasure as it will be with my BHS family peer group and unlike our last meeting I hope that some may have read my blog. I’m hoping they now I’m stage 4 now and therefore I wont get the comments I did before of ‘oh you will be fine, your young, you can beat this’. So I’m glad that the pressure will be off. I just hope that I can make it through it without fatigue kicking in and if it does then I’ll just have to leave them to it with the notes I’ve prepared and hope for the best. I’m not planning a ‘Death by Powerpoint’ session as I know that’s what there morning may have been like.

So then after the meeting it is back home with Mr Grey and Leanne BFF to construct ’50 shades of chemo’! OMG what have I done! I hope that this will be posted up for you on Friday at some point and then we can just all wish you a happy weekend 🙂 and endure the faith of our Mothers!!!

Now for today’s ramblings I thought about sharing a true story with you about my first experience of potentially having cancer, so here goes…..

I was working for Debenhams in Telford at the time. I had been for my routine smear test and as previously never thought about it after I’d left the room as they always came back normal. Out of the blue I received a telephone call from the doctors at work to say that I need to see my Doctor urgently about my results.

I had no idea what this all meant and was scared. Appointment made I was told that smear tests were graded 1-3, these show potentially pre cancerous cells. That mine had gone from normal, normal, normal straight to grade 3! An appointment was made for me to have my pre cancerous cells burnt off, lovey I thought.

At Wordsley hospital I was taken into a room wearing the ‘gown of shame’ I was placed into a chair and my legs flopped into stirrups. The room was quiet dark and full of nurses and a man who from memory looked like a welder! The chair was lifted for him to get maximum sight into what he was about to burn off. I just remember feeling so undignified by it all. This man who I didn’t know had a blow torch and a light so bright that Blackpool High Street would be envious. I tried to lie there to be still and be good, not to make a fuss. They had to do what they were doing to me and I just had to cope with it.

There was a nurse talking to me to try and keep me calm. The burning smell of what was happening filled the room and with the smell of burning flesh came the feelings of sickness and wanting to pass out. It was at this low moment when the nurse desperately trying to keep me conscience asked me the most stupid question ever, I couldn’t believe it when she said “are you going anywhere nice on your holidays this year’ Unbelievable hey! Now in the hairdressers a normal question but whilst having your fanny burnt was not the time for comparing all inclusive deals! Her attempt to keep me from fainting failed and I was placed on the ward to recover from the ordeal.

After laughing at this story with the Juddys on Sunday I did think that one day I would share with you the story of the burning fanny and as 50 shades of chemo is under construction I thought today maybe the right day for it.

The point is that although unpleasant an experience it was we do at least have smear tests. They are not pleasant at all girls but when called for a smear test always go, don’t put it off, don’t think it’s not important or that you don’t need one as it may just have saved my life back then. There is no screening for bowel cancer and until there is then more will continue to die from not being diagnosed early enough.

We all moan about elements of our NHS but really! In comparison we are so lucky compared to the rest of the world where you either have to pay for treatments and check up’s or you just cant get medical help. I have always had clear smear tests since then. So that’s my tit’s, fanny and feet that are actually okay 🙂 the list is growing! I have another cancer encounter to share with you but I’ll save that for another day’s post.

Last night I received a text from Karen that her treatment went okay. She is feeling sick and all the usual side effects of chemo but she is at home and okay for now. I’ll keep you posted on her progress.  With you all the way chemo bud xx

Had a call from Karen this morning. We had a lovely chat and she is doing well on this chemo. Long may it continue. Planning to meet up maybe next week so that I can pass on Rita’s prayer card. Rita wants to turn us both into nuns over the next 12 months. Good luck with that Rita LOL.

Before I leave you for my meeting and fun evening I wanted to share this with you all. Most days our friends and family put messages and poems up on Facebook to inspire us, make us think about life or challenge our behaviors. I was given this poem years ago and I laminated it so that I could keep it safe.

If you have seen it before then I’m sorry but if you haven’t then just enjoy it and take it’s meaning to heart, as life can be too short.

If I Had My Life Over – I’d Pick More Daisies

If I had my life to live over, I’d dare to make more mistakes next time. I’d relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I’d have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I’m one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

By Nadine Stair

Wow I’m coming back. It’s 7.06 and I feel okay, so okay and feeling loved that I feel compelled to start today’s post. However let me just rewind for a few hours/days so that you can understand how happy I am this morning.

They say that the 2nd or 3rd wave of chemo is the worst, well mine has been this one, the 3rd. It’s so hard to articulate how shit chemo makes you feel. You become the living shell of a person you know is in there but you can’t find them. It’s like being mega pissed, without having any fun. Thought processes, feelings, the ability to speak sometimes is hard, no taste to anything, energy all gone. No energy and devoid of life. Family have to just wait until you return, as the long hours turn into days.

At midnight last night I received some lovely messages but reading them is so hard, concentrating on the words and being able to respond. I fear not being able to sleep so I stay up alone but drift in and out of a none sleep like state. At 2.30 I decide I have to try to sleep in my own bed. I slept until 6.30 WOW. This was broken sleep but at least I slept. I dreamt of Dr Weaver telling me I only had a year to live, I think the stories of some peoples journey through cancer is starting to play on my mind. How long have I got? How long have any of us got left? Yesterday it was so hard to take the tablets, not because I struggle to swallow them but because if I didn’t take them I would feel okay. I long to feel well again but I know I wouldn’t survive. So I keep taking them but I really do understand why people (40%) give up on taking chemo. The tumour in my neck worries me as I can feel it growing and pushing on maybe nerves all the time and I have no idea about what is going on with the other tumours in my belly.  All these questions I hope will be answered at our meeting on 31st July.

I wake and feel a little better, brushing my teeth I start to gag! Oh shit – NO I don’t want to be sick. I make it downstairs but the gagging continues. There are 3 bits of potato left in the sink from tea last night and these buggers are not helping. I try water on my face and holding the gagging in. I make it, I am not sick, thankfully. I feed the cat as usual and go for the 1/2 biscuit, coffee and fag, that will make me feel better I hope.

I log onto Facebook to see who is awake. I get a lovely message from Simon who works for BHS. We have sat next to each other at meals at BHS conferences and attended a few meetings together but that’s it. He shared my blog and sent a message with it to say:

“Any support you need your BHS Family are here”

Wow! this and other messages from the bigger BHS family out there really touch me. It really made a difference to me this morning. To think that people, a team can think about me whilst their own lives are so busy, I just find so incredibly  touching. I have also been contacted by a member of staff who is going back to his home in Sri Lanka for good. He wants to see me before he goes, wow. I try to tell him not to and that the journey wouldn’t be worth it for him but his messages are just full of love, I need to say yes to seeing Jiffy and Ish. I just hope that I can do this and I’m waiting for him to reply on flight details.

Now my own family have to put up with me, they have little choice in coping and seeing me so ill. That’s so sad. I haven’t walked Molly for days and everyone knows I’m bad if I can’t do this. Mom wakes up and notes that I look better, not difficult as at least my eyes are open LOL. it’s a good start. My mom has given up the last two weeks to cook, clean, walk the dog and iron. Anything to help us all and it’s appreciated so much. But she has to have a break and a life so she is returning to the Midlands for a few days from tomorrow. Elsie part of the Scilly Six from ‘buffer face island’ has had an operation and my mom needs to give her our love too.

Another family I have here in Wycombe is a political one. Steve and I have been involved in politics locally for years. This blog is not political so I won’t go into how I believe in freedom and a fair society unlike the Tories who just want to appeal to middle Britain, sod the lower classes, the poor and disadvantaged, oh and let the fat cats of business make their own rules on taxation! Whoops sorry and back to the point. I very very rarely ask for help apart from Steve with my screams of ‘mines broken’ but this morning I sent an email asking for help from someone who I know via politics. Now all I’m going to say is that  those of you who know Phil Alexander will have an idea of what I’m planning. I’m hoping in a week or two to share it with you all but I’m secretly very excited. Those who know me know that I love a good laugh and I’m hoping that my latest mad idea will be just this, with Phil’s and a few friends help it should be a great hoot!

I texted Mr Grey last night about his uncle. He has some great news. He had 22 lymph nodes removed, none cancerous and he won’t need chemo. WOW I’m so pleased for Mr Grey’s family, they have been through so much worry but at stage 1 cancer he should be back on his feet soon and his bag can be reversed in 6 months.

Karen starts her chemo today so I texted her last night too. Cycle 3 for her too and I’m just praying with Rita that she can take this 3rd attempt at being able to tolerate the drugs. With you all the way chemo bud! xx

I’m so glad that I wrote most of this post between 6 – 8 pm as it’s now 3.15 and I have hardly been awake for more than 1/2 hour at a time. I can’t believe this fatigue, it’s not just a feeling of being tired but a complete exhaustion like I have never experienced before. I’m worried about the planned meeting tomorrow and my 50 Shades of chemo evening turning into 50 shades of snoring. I have to try and pull myself together. To try to smile, talk, walk and look as normal as possible.

At one point I wake to receive these two lovely video messages from old colleagues at M&S Oxford Street, sent via Lorraine. Oh how they made me smile to see old familiar faces saying hello.  It’s been a very long time since Lorraine and i worked together at M&S at Marble Arch, I think it’s been 13 years ago. WOW, where do all the years go hey. Thank you all so much for your messages.

Today I received a text to say that baby Jacob Guy who was born 9 weeks premature is finally going home to be with Andrew, Fiona and the beautiful Sophie. So pleased for you all.

And finally before we move onto the ‘Birds and the Bees’ section I just wanted to thank you all again for your support in sharing my blog. This morning I was so stunned as when I checked my stats we were in 25 different countries! Now you are either all on holiday or we are reaching out across the globe. I have only been writing this blog for one month and it has been seen by 16, 374 people! I think that is amazing and I can’t thank you all enough for helping me. I did laugh at one message yesterday that said that a daily reader reads my blog in the bath! Now that’s a new one on me and made me smile.

Birds and the Bees

So the birds and the bees – now I am looking forward to doing 50 shades of chemo for you all. I worry I might offend people by writing about intimate stuff, is this blog the right place to do it I wonder?

Steve compared me to the ‘all you can eat buffet’ to making your own sandwiches analagy which always makes me laugh. I have tried to explain to my mom why we are doing 50 shades of chemo for everyone in the style of the ‘all you can eat buffet’ so here goes.

If you go out for a meal and it’s the all you can eat style. You look at all the options available. If you love sweet and sour or the crispy duck then you are eyeing that up, is there enough? Is it fresh? Is there going to be enough for you? You look at the starters available and whilst they are nice you want to keep some room for the main event. There is also pudding available, what a dilemma? So seated you maybe have a drink or two and this is nice but it just fuels the need for the crispy duck. The starters are a distant memory or maybe you have a few nibbles but it’s full on for the main course. You overfill your plate and tuck in! Finally crispy duck, the sweet taste of all the aromas coming together, your palate satisfied, finally. You may drink some more and then go for seconds but the first mouthfuls of that crispy duck was so delicious.

Now I hope you get my point. That how often do we due to living with our children and families miss out on the starters and go for the crispy duck in silence! Fear that you maybe waking someone up? Fear that your loved ones may find out that you like a good Chinese meal occasionally? We all put on this facade that we don’t do it like it’s naughty, we are decent upstanding people of our family unit. Or maybe it’s just that we are not as liberated as our European neighbours.

The project of 50 shades of chemo I hope will provide two things to you. Firstly if you are going through chemo it can offer some real alternatives to what you can and can’t do safely. That if you are suffering with any illness that prevents you from having a normal sex life for any length of time it gives you tips and ideas that you may not have thought about doing for a while. Just because you are ill it doesn’t mean that you stop being loving and passionate.

Secondly if you have been in a relationship for a while and you have been stuck on the main course for two long with little starters to wet your appetite you can choose from our selection of starters from the buffet of life.

What bloody sleep? One of the many side effects from chemo is the tiredness that engulfs your body and you have to rest or sleep. Chemo sleep isn’t restful, you wake and you just don’t feel any better. Last night I went to bed at 2 am, I saw 3.22, 4.22 and at 5.22 I gave up. At least it’s light and it feels like another day has started. Rita sees that I’m up via Facebook and sends me a lovely message. She has a day of Nana time planned with her grandchildren, precious times.

I have a meeting in High Wycombe store today with Guy so I take my chemo tablets early so that I’ll be as good as I can be. Before I know it I’m asleep again.  Yesterday was just horrible for sleeping too. I get that flat look about me that the rest of the family see and it’s just not funny for them. I can’t even walk Molly, movement and walking are just too hard. So going into Wycombe was going to be a struggle. I decide not to drive as I don’t feel safe.

Steve takes me in and every step is just so painful, sharp pains and dizziness are so disabling. People fit and healthy rush around getting to work as I used to and I envy them. I’m greeted by Mary and Ann in store but I hate letting them see me like this. I know Mary doesn’t care but it’s still not nice for people to see. She helps me up the many stairs and we have to stop due to stomach cramps. I make it to Guy and he has worries of his own with his son. I haven’t ever seen him this flat, worried and concerned for his family. So between us we make a great pair. We discussed the forthcoming meeting and things he wanted to add to my presentation. We then concluded that we both needed to go, him to be with his family and me back home to sleep and no movement.

Facebook – I only joined Facebook so that I could stalk my kids, honestly. I had no idea how this programme would change all of us. I message Pete in Australia who says that he is feeling better but he has to stay in hospital for another two weeks to continue to take antibiotics. Not that long ago you would have to take out a second mortgage if loved ones moved to Australia to pay for the phone calls. I’m so pleased that Pete is doing well. Rita’s prayers are working their way to you ‘Stud Muffin’.

School day friends are constantly in touch and this is just wonderful. All those years spent together growing up and without Facebook now how would we stay in touch daily? I also get lots of messages from people I have worked with before and through the power of all of you who share my blog online some of you are reading about my journey with cancer and it brings back memories of suffering that you yourselves have had to endure.

I am also pleased to hear from anyone who is or has been part of my life, from school friends to anyone in the BHS family. I understand the ‘should I or shouldn’t I get in touch’ but it really does mean a lot to me to hear from you.

The Postman comes with another package, The lovely Lorraine has sent me some coffee beans from Nero’s. Thank you so much Lorraine and we can enjoy one together in person soon I hope.

Behind the scenes I am working on some fun stuff for you. 50 shades of Chemo is being done on Thursday night with Mr Grey and my BFF. This however will be a complete giggle session and I hope that we manage to get something down on paper for you. My mom is concerned about my sex tips and keeps asking me about it, how rude will it be, where will it appear on the blog and I think will my mom be too embarrassed to read it? My mom is too nosey so she will definitely be reading it LOL

The other stuff will be revealed in good time but I’m constantly thinking of how I can make your day as writing these ramblings helps me so much. I just want you to enjoy it, share in the bad days and rejoice with me in the good ones. A true reflection of cancer, it’s treatment and side effects so that you won’t be scared if it happens to you or it can help anyone you know going through it. One of the articles that Heather sent to me the other day reflects on her friends and how she laughs at the silly things people say to those with cancer. I have certainly had my rants about these comments made to me in the past.  I really did connect with the most hurtful thing people do and that’s not getting in touch at all. You worry that they don’t know or don’t care however I know it’s the ‘What do I say’ moment that strikes fear into everyone. If it’s ignored then it’s not happening. I think every cancer sufferer has played this game too.

Yesterday Jacqui from BHS Head Office posted up a charity event they ran at head office for Breast Cancer and a cream tea was organised. I remember last year at Kingston we did Zumba for this great charity. We had a blast as normal and I got the male members of the team to wear pink bras to raise money too. I remember that day well, not just for the fun we had but I was shocked at how many people came up to us quietly to say that they had lost someone they loved to Breast Cancer. Just silent sadness and a chance to give into a bucket is some way of giving something back to the support they may have received. So as I’m in a flat mood due to chemo I thought you might be cheered up by watching us trying to do Zumba and for my BHS family in Kingston a chance to relive some of those laughs again.

A final quick update: Richard is okay after his motorbike accident and is in Bavaria with the Army adventure training and Rebecca attended her first counseling session which was arranged via the Doctors. She enjoyed the first session and it enabled us to talk openly about her worries and fears. My poor family suffer through this more than me.

Oh and thanks for buying Steve a coke Bryn the other day. A simple act of thought and kindness can mean so much sometimes.

After the Juddys left yesterday I was conscious that my daily post was late going up. I hadn’t looked at my phone for hours as we were all just having fun. There were so many messages of “what’s wrong, where is today’s post?” I was both shocked and amazed that so many of you look forward to my daily ramblings. Final pictures entered and post edited, Steve hits the publish button. The internet is having a moment here and we all have ‘buffer face’ for 5 minutes.

Normally I don’t plan anything for first few chemo days as I have no control over by body and the side effects from the drugs. Your hands lock, anything metal or cold is evil and I forgot to mention before the lock jaw. This is when you first eat anything and your jaw locks, you have to hold it as the pain goes into your ears too. I have no control. Legs are weak and dizziness is a problem when moving around the house or travelling, that’s why the car journey for food on Sunday morning took so much effort.

I take 14 chemo tablets a day which are cancer causing and poisonous, no one else can touch my tablets outside of their packets apart from me. Since my episode of shitting myself the Immodium has worked well and stopped everything but to the point of nothing has happened since Friday. This leads Steve to start talking about me taking laxatives, OMG no control at all.

It’s Monday and you are all off at work, doing your bit for whatever company you work for. I am so blessed with the support I have received from BHS but I want to tell you a short true story. Mr Moore was my Regional Manager for 2 years. He was leaving us as the boss and going into a Senior role in head office which he now loves and enjoys. At the time it was new to him and he was leaving his team. He came into Staines one day to take Leanne and I out for a ‘thank you’ lunch. The very least he could do after we had put up with him for 2 years lol. We were alone in the office and I remember these sincere words from him.

“Wendy you don’t realise how much you like your job until someone says that you can’t do it anymore”

That pretty well sums up how it feels for me. Steve is in the office today, Rebecca is at work, as are most of you. I know the Monday routine of BHS, the start of the analysis of the past weeks trade and what actions are needed to be taken this coming week to maximise trade. No different to any other business out there. Just think for one moment on your commute to your job. How would you feel if you couldn’t do your job either via redundancy, illness, closure or just moving on? It’s a scary thought to leave people, passion and friendships made behind.

I’ve only had 4 hours sleep and was up at 5.22. It’s very quiet at this hour. Chemo tablets and breakfast done I turn to doing some work for a meeting on Thursday. I hope that I’ll be okay by Thursday and be able to get through it both physically and by not shitting myself lol. I can’t believe how many of you have come forward with your stories of ‘poo trauma’, see you are never alone.

I’m just too tired and sleep again for an hour, my sense of all taste has gone now and so you crave anything that might take this nasty taste away from your mouth. I have been cutting up small pieces of a cookie to keep to have with every coffee. I go for another coffee to find my mom has eaten my last piece lol bless her.

The postman arrives at 10 am here every day and I get a lovely surprise from ‘Mother Theresa’ herself. She has sent a card that confirms that I will be remembered for one year in masses offered every day at the ‘Our Lady of Bethlehem Abbey, Portglenone. Not only has she done this for me but also enclosed one for me to pass onto Karen. God bless my angel, my Rita.

In the same mail I get a card from the Methodist Church in Kingswinford to let us know that I’m also continually in their prayers. I am so blessed and just overwhelmed sometimes by the love and support I have from everyone. I say to my mom this morning that if love could kill cancer then I would have been cured. It’s true and I thank you all as the messages, text, emails, and sharing of my blog to help others. It really does mean so much to me, and my family.

So I’m going to leave you on a high note day. After being with the Juddys yesterday and working at Gatwick Airport we were all used to celebrities coming through. I have decided to share my claim to fame list with you all. I’m not bragging about the famous people I just want to share it with you, here goes….

The Queen – might as well start at the top hey. I’ve catered for the Queen at her Garden Parties and whilst I’ve been in front of her I didn’t speak, best not to with my ‘Black Country’ accent hey.

Spoken to Prince Edward, had to curtsey and discuss life at an Airport

Coffee with Lionel Blair.

Served Sally from Coronation Street breakfast.

Talked to Rowan Atkinson whilst paying for petrol.

Jackie Stewart, Jackie Collins, Joan Collins, Pat from Eastenders, Stuart Rose, Sir Philip Green, Lemar, Johnny Wilkinson and the British Rubgy Team, I used to ride Robert Plant’s daughter’s horse and met him but I didn’t know who he was! I shook hands with Frank Bruno (massive hands), Trinny and Suzanne, I was interviewed by the original and founder owner of Costa Coffee and worked with his two children, Craig the winner of the first ‘Big Brother’, various famous Villa footballer players, obviously! Penelope Keith, Yasmin Le Bon has been in my house with Simon Le Bon, but I don’t like to talk about that much LOL, Emma Watson and there are probably many many more that I will remember after posting this up.

Here are some that I can actually prove for you to enjoy.

Hope that made you smile. It’s been a hard day in the chemo gazebo today, a flat day but reaching out to you all everyday gives me pleasure and tomorrow I’m hoping to go into work for a few hours. To be me again at work, talking about work and being useful, I hope.

Now another final bit of good news is that Leanne BFF and Mr Grey are all planned for Thursday nights ’50 Shades of Grey’ first meeting so this should be a scream of an evening. I’m looking forward to it very much and sharing it with you all on a over 18 page only (Health and Safety covered again) 🙂

Saturday 18th July – What’s that saying? Oh that’s it, ” what a difference 24 hours can make,” how true. So last night I went to bed at 1.30 but was awake by 5.30, 4 hours that’s not bad. You all know the routine, feed the animals, coffee fag and this morning it was a Milk Tray chocolate. A thank you gift from our neighbour with the baby. Who brought me a thank you card and present for the present I brought her. Do I now have to send a thank you card for the thank you card she sent me???? We are all funny don’t you think!

I logged on to Facebook and I had a message from Uncle Pete, finally word from him. I started to cry instantly as I read his words but this isn’t good when you are on chemo as your eyes are just so painful. I quickly send him a message that I need to just have time to stop crying and then I’ll reply. He is still in hospital, they are filling him with antibiotics, he has the viral meningitis but he is a little better. Thank God, thank Rita for her prayers and I’m just so happy to hear from him. I know that when Rebecca and Richard wake they will also be comforted that they can read his words to them as he made it a group chat with them.

My next lovely surprise was from Heather who has 3 children but sadly lost Simon at just 9 months old.  I got to know their family via Richard playing football. She also sent me some clippings that she had sent a friend when they were going through cancer, and a lovely card. She like many others knows raw grief from losing a child. We are not alone are we?

The postman then arrives from Semin who I worked with in Oxford Street. She left BHS and started her own business. A box full of beautiful cookies all hand made. Thank Semin and we will talk soon, looking forward to it 🙂

Steve has decided to construct a run for Molly which starts in the chemo gazebo and ends in the garden so that she can play by herself. He does this as Molly loves her ball but when I’m on chemo it’s hard to keep throwing balls as she never brings them right to you. I need a dog psychologist as she will take her ball to any strangers feet when we are out but not us, weird dog. Steve returns with all the bits and it’s cost him £65!!! Here is my mom trying to teach Molly how to use it:

Then I had a text from Richard that he was coming round for a few hours with his mate Toon. They arrived at around 2 pm, we had lunch but as ever I fell asleep. Richard played with Toon and Steve on Mario Kart which meant a lot to Steve whilst I slept. Normal is good, normal fun stuff is really good and it helps all of us, thank you Richard for coming to see me, even if I embarrassed you but hey I’m your mom and that’s my job, lol xx

I post up my blog early yesterday as I can’t change it once it’s up and the admission of shitting myself to you all was hard. I was shocked at how many of you have experienced this. First admission was from Mrs Poo Pants, who was encouraged to smoke drugs by her partner and as she had never done this before. As she smoked the weed she had stomach cramps, went to fart and shit herself. She had tight jeans on and it flowed over the back of them. Now this story made me smile as she said she had never told anyone before. Now I’ve made sure the world can see it lol but I won’t give your real name 🙂

Rebecca pops out to town and comes home with a dress for me and  a new dog jigsaw for her nan. Last night she was very late home from her trip into London but returned with a box of flowers for me, she is so lovely.

My lovely cousin Nicky has done a mud run challenge to raise money for cancer with her work colleagues and again she placed my name and website on her back, thank you everyone who took part in this. Now I think that you all look like you have shit yourselves haha

Then I get an update on little Jacob Guy, our new nephew born 9 weeks premature and he is doing okay now. Thank God again hey.

Finally I get a lovely message from the Juddy’s and they are coming for Sunday dinner tomorrow. It’s been too long since we saw them, oh how time flies and we are always too busy, I think I have learnt to take more time for important stuff, well to balance life more when I get back to normal, back to work, back to being me. So famous chemo gazebo photos will here soon.

So Rita on the prayer list for you is Karen, Pete, Jacob and anyone out there who has had the embarrassment of shitting themselves.

Sunday 19th July – Slept for nearly 6 hours, wow I can’t remember the last time I slept for that long. My sleep was intermittent due to sweating throughout the night. Is this the chemo or the ‘change of life’ another side effect from the chemo? It’s raining but due to stop and be a lovely day. I hope so as the Juddys are coming to have lunch with us today :-). It’s Mother Teresa’s (Rita) birthday today so I send her a birthday greeting via Facebook and save the date on my phone so that I don’t forget next year.

Rita confirms candles and prayers for us all and sends photos again to prove it. Cheers Rita and everyone else who thinks of me and my family, it really means so much.

With confirmation that Juddy hugs are on the way, we set out for extra food. The journey is difficult for me, my hands and feet are so bad I can’t drive. They are due at 2 pm as the plan is home for midday, sleep and then i will be okay for a few hours. They are delayed on the motorway by 3 accidents and don’t arrive until 4 pm. It’s been 12 long years since I have seen them all but from the moment they walked through the door it was just magical. Juddy hugs had arrived. We relived such precious memories, talked for hours and the special friendship between us was as natural as it had always been. We laughed and laughed, looked at old photos and video footage. Such special people to me, so why the years of not seeing each other? Life and distance got in the way and I’m so sorry. Please if reading this and you think of old friends that you send Christmas cards to and every year you think, I must get in touch but don’t, DO IT – DON”T WAIT ANOTHER YEAR! Cos that turns into another year and another.

It was so hard to see them leave, I can’t cry cos my eye balls would explode but I feel the emotion of seeing them again, sharing moments together that I will hold in my heart until I can have Juddy Hugs again, thank you for making my day.

Ian trying to open a beer at lunch with the now famous penis bottle opener from Mary Poppins

On a serious note, Richard crashed his motorbike, he’s okay, but his bike isn’t. More chuffing candles needed Mother Theresa, LOL.

Chemo day and cycle number 3

Thursday 16th July – I had 4 beers that night before chemo because I could! (opened with my new penis shaped bottle opener, a present from Mary Poppins) and I slept in until 7.30. Awake and animals fed I’m on my usual ½ biscuit, coffee and a fag. I always check my website stats when I wake up and 802 people viewed my day out in London post. Wow, I always check the countries too. We are in Japan, Ireland, Maldives (Ruth) Indonesia, India, USA and various other countries across Europe. This is due to the sharing you all do for me online. Thank you.

Friday, chemo day – I have to have toast as my main breakfast ahead of chemo. No yoghurts (my normal breakfast) until Steve does the shopping today, before starting work at midday. How can I possibly explain how crap you feel going into a hospital to have drugs that make you feel so ill. I will share a true story with you which I hope explains it, maybe not physically but certainly emotionally.

My mom’s friend reads my blog (thank you) and her friend’s brother had cancer and went in for his first round of chemo. After completing his 1^st cycle of treatment he killed himself and the family never understood why. After reading my blog my mom’s friend said that it helped her understand the anguish of the treatment and that she was going to pass the website details onto the widow of this man. I’m comforted that my blog may in some way may help her find peace and understanding. It’s not that he didn’t love you, it’s just so hard to find the strength emotionally to take the drugs.

So I smoke as many as I can before we set off for the hospital. I pay for the reduced parking and today’s password is ‘Dairy Milk’ now after treatment I can imagine me telling my mom to shout “Cadbury’s” at the barrier man!

In the  Sunrise suite on the 5th floor nurse Daisy is there as well as other now familiar faces. They always want to talk poo, bless them. I say that I’m fine but that I have found out by default that I’m Stage 4. I tell the nurses about my back pain as it’s been 5 days now and I know it’s not right. Rita and Karen will stop nagging me now I hope! Bless you. I ask about my blood results and they say that my blood counts are fine, “it’s like we aren’t giving you anything!” Excellent. I ask about the CEA markers. This is a way they track cancer in your blood. My levels have increased from 4.1 to 6.6 now I don’t know how bad that is but the nurse I spoke to said it was okay and not to worry. They send a message to Doctor Weaver to say that I’m in and have back pain, but he hasn’t been to see me yet and never does that day. Looking CEA up online later levels of 10 or 20 would be high so gotta take the positives when you get them hey.

I’m weighed and as before I have put on weight, either that or my shoes and hoody are heavier than the clothes I was wearing on cycle 2. Or do tumours weigh more? The nurses assure me it’s just the steroids I’m taking, great!

I met Archie who was there on a days work experience to see what oncology is like. He wants to change and save that world, bless him. Maybe one day someone like Archie will find a cure for cancer. I talk him to death and give him my website address, as I hope it will help him understand how hard the process of going through cancer and it’s treatment is.

Frankie is back for cycle two. I met her last time. She is at stage 4 and she attended the Sunrise ward with her hubby 8 years ago. He sadly lost his battle with cancer. She knows what chemo is like via her husbands experience but she had an adverse reaction on cycle 1 and spent 5 days in hospital. Chemo had to be stopped and she has to find the courage to come and try to take it again. Like Karen, how much strength of character does that take? Can you just imagine the fear?.

My mom has arrived to keep me company and she says she doesn’t understand the Greek economy. I am not going to go into that, so don’t worry but I do have to talk about the people with cancer over there. They don’t have an NHS as we do, they have been through years of austerity measures and it will only get worse for them all. How do you raise the money for medicine if you are not working and you have to put food on the table for all your family how do you chose? The drug companies that supply chemo drugs to Greece to be fair to them have not stopped supplying the drugs in the hope that one day the Greek government will pay them.

The last hour of chemo going in is just awful, the pain, the symptoms start and the knowledge of the misery to come for days. I’m asking the nurses how much longer as it nears the end, hassling them that the last few drops won’t matter. You just want it done, over with. I pretend to make the beeping noise of the pump finishing to attract the nurses attention. Mom tells me to behave myself and not to be a nuisance. I just want it over with and I start to get angry. Behave! really? – You have no idea what this is like to go through. I have decided that for the rest of my treatments in hospital I will go alone, apart from if Karen wants to come. Unless you have been through chemo you have no concept of what it’s like, so I don’t need to be told to behave!

Last flush finally through we head home. I make it through the door. I go to rest in my chemo gazebo. Steve comes out to see me “not good then hey”. I’m sorry but I’m really not in the mood for feeling strong, so I snap “no I’m not fucking good” and Steve’s reply just makes me even angrier “I’ll come back when you can be civil then” and I just scream to myself in my head FUCK OFF. Everyone just fuck off cos you know I’d love to see any of you go through this shit and be pleasant! I’m angry. I’ve gone 5 hours without a fag, this shit fed into my system. I can’t even hold my lighter properly as my hands won’t work. The flick on the lighter is made of metal so I struggle to light it, the tumour in my neck hurts and I’m in constant pain in my back and you want me to be civil! FUCK OFF.

I rest for an hour and then my saliva makes my throat go into a mini spasm. I try to sit up but the pain in my right eye is awful. I hold onto my eye as it feels like your eye ball is going to drop out. My eyes water with the pain which is also unbearable as tears are water and I can’t touch water. After 5 minutes I’m ok and decide that I want a drink. As I get level with the sink in my kitchen  I shit myself. I can’t believe it. No warning, no feelings of wanting to go at all, I make it in to the downstairs loo and I’m covered in shit and I can’t touch water! Now you have to laugh sometimes but, as Rita would say “for the sweet love of Jesus, what the feck is this all about?”.

There is only me and Steve in the house as Rebecca is on her way home from work and Mom has taken Molly for a walk. So I do the bottomless naked walk of shame upstairs to get clean and changed. I bring my shitty clothes downstairs and put them in the washer. I go back to the chemo gazebo, ashamed and feeling so low. Steve comes to sit with me and asks if it’s now safe. I rant back about how I feel and that I have just shit myself. Steve goes and gets me Imodium and tells me of his stress at the supermarket as they left the tag on the joint of Lamb planned for Sunday, the beeper goes off and that he missed the lift to take him to the car park whilst he sorted it out. FFS really, those are your troubles. But I stay quiet.

I knew Rebecca had written her post and it was going up instead of one from me. When I read it for the first time I got to the 3^rd paragraph and that was it I cried throughout the whole piece. So proud of her but so sad too as no mother wants to hurt their children. So when Steve puts it online for you all I read it again. Stupid or what as crying is not good on the first day of chemo and my eyes are in agony again.

Thank you all for sharing today’s post and for your comments. They mean so much to her and to my family. Some new people leave comments so thank you for the power rush as I have to approve new comments, for a brief moment ‘I have power’ love it LOL.

After tea, which I dread eating as what goes in must come out! Steve has a headache and is unusually quiet. I try to talk to him but he still tries to stay strong and not worry me, but we all know our men hey girls and I knew mine needed TLC. His day as I describe it in terms of worries wasn’t fair at all. He had to drop me for chemo and do the weekly food shopping, mom had agreed to be at home to put the shopping away and he had to start work at midday. She wasn’t there but with me so now he started to worry that I was okay, he logged onto work at 11.45 whilst trying to put the shopping away. Then he was asked to start work straight away as there was a big job on. The door bell goes and a neighbour has popped round to thank us for the gift we gave her as she had a baby girl this week. She has the baby with her but knew nothing of Steve’s pressing world of work, worry and food to be put away. Steve didn’t want to be unkind but couldn’t stay and chat. He has to worry about me and try to focus on work too, and keep running between tasks to get the chilled food away at least. He finished work at 8 pm and he has had enough of holding it together. Being strong for everyone and sometimes we all just need to vent. He hates what we are going through, seeing me suffer everyday, he dreads chemo day and the growing cancer inside of me. All this makes him snappy as it does me, so we take it out either on the ones we love the most or others around us that just piss us off. I don’t live in a prefect world with a perfect family but they are my perfect and arguing or being pissed off at each other is part of life. If I didn’t include it my blog, the blog to help you wouldn’t be real. So it goes in ‘warts and all’ which sadly hurts everyone too. I sat on Steve’s lap and gave him a love, fetched him a cup of tea and held him the best I could due to pain in my arms. Steve cried, not a full on breakdown but just tears of ‘this is so shit.’ My poor loved ones suffer so much and I can’t fix it for them.

I sit and check my work prior to it going online and I feel guilty. If I was about to start chemo and I read this post I’d be scared silly, but ‘warts and all’ it has to go in. When people ask what’s chemo like I say ‘it’s not fun’ but that’s all I say really unless I’m asked about the side effects. Then I go into more detail and now I can add ‘I shit myself to the list’ oh the joy of life, the indignity of it all. Living the dream Mrs HRH, living the dream!

Yesterday after Emma, Linda and Alison left, and once I’d finished crying, I was in so much pain, you can tell I was ill as I couldn’t take Molly out. Thanks mom for taking her. I’d had the runs all day (never pleasant) and the pain from my back and stomach cramps were just so uncomfortable, I had to sleep. I wasn’t going to mention that I had also planned to meet up with Helen who lost her son one month ago but as she put a post up on Facebook I think she wouldn’t mind me mentioning her. I checked my phone before I slept to see Helen’s message that she wasn’t up for my visit at 6 pm as planned, she had had a bad day.  After posting my blog I decided that she needed to know that although she was having a bad day, that I still cared. So against her wishes I went round.

Her first words were “I haven’t even done my hair today!” Like that mattered to me. I stopped doing mine 6 months ago LOL. It was her and Tom I wanted to see. We hugged and cried and I had coffee whilst Helen enjoyed her wine and the pizza they had planned for their tea. I said I wouldn’t stop but it quickly turned into a 2 hour chatting session. Their grief was open and honest, the struggles they now face together are heartbreaking. I don’t know how hard it is for Helen but I do know what it’s like for Tom to lose a sibling. We shared precious time just talking, just listening, just sharing the pain of loss. I also gave them an update on ‘WackaHarry’ the game we are now playing. Helen’s friend had stage 4 cancer and lived 14 years.

I think I could have been there for 2 more hours but I had taken painkillers just to get up there and without any tea inside me I was getting weak, that’s the constant shits for you, oh my poor bum!

I stopped for diesel on the way home. I didn’t check my phone at all, unusual for me but I wanted peace after leaving them, to think about them as I didn’t know how to help them but I hope Helen wins the lottery is all I’m saying.

I got home and tea was ready, I still hadn’t looked at my phone. Steve had a grin all the way through tea and as we were finishing he said that he had published his post, wow I thought. So armed with a coffee and fag I set about reading his post. Now I’m very proud of him doing this post as he has been unsure about doing it. Sharing himself with the ‘world wide web’. His post is very factual (that’s men for you) and I don’t see the other side of Steve, the Steve I know in his words, the emotions of Steve but it’s a great start and he will do another post as he was touched by the response from people who read it, so thank you all for your kind words for him and for sharing his post.

Steve is worried about my planned day for today I’m going into London, firstly to meet up with Leanne ahead of lunch with Amanda from HR and the Mrs HRH herself. Then I’ve planned to see another very dear friend Lorraine who I worked with for almost four years at M&S in Oxford Street. So I’ll let you now how all that goes but it will need painkillers to get through it all.

Today ends as it’s midnight. I went to bed at 1.30 which is early for me but woke at 4 am dripping in sweat, lovely. I managed to go back to sleep until 6 am. I am looking forward to my day so showered and dressed I head to London. If you have seen Rhod Gilbert’s ‘ Man with the Flaming Battenburg Tattoo’ then you will know what I’m talking about when I say I was going to take a potato with me into London but Steve says I should take my Weeble, so I did and in every photo you see, you have to play ‘spot the Weeble’.

I meet up with Leanne and Mr Moore another pseudonym for you, let me explain. He is called Mr Moore as he is not Scottish but Irish and looks nothing like Roger. He is Mr Moore because having worked for him, he always wants more from you and at conferences he always drinks way more than he needs too LOL. Anyway we meet and Mr Moore takes me into the hotel opposite Marylebone Station. It’s rumored than Madonna has an apartment there. I say to Mr Moore that I can’t go in there as I have jeans on and it’s way too posh but he just leads the way and tells me to stop being so daft. This place has doormen! In the toilets there’s no paper towels you have a facecloth to dry your hands on. You think the music in the background piped in but there is a man playing the piano. So posh, but guess how much they want for a coffee? £6 OMG! 3 coffees ordered we just sit and chat away ahead of my meeting with Amanda and Mrs HRH. The service however is shocking and they could all do with a sharp lesson in service! They were so slow that I was running late for my lunch date. I loved seeing Mr Moore again, he is hard to work for but a pleasure too. We chatted, I cried just mentioning not being at work with my Kingston family, Mr Moore understands and he has is own troubles in life. I jokingly say that I’m going to play the cancer card and get a job with him.

We eventually get to Head Office, Mr Moore and Leanne leave me with Mrs HRH and Amanda. I saw Arlene who reads my blog and I’m glad that she tells my how much she enjoys reading it. You’re now famous Arlene cos your in today’s post. She also tells me that I have another denomination covered as she is a Christian thanks Arlene :-). I’m glad that I don’t bump into Mr Bottom or Mr Muscles as I think I’d never stop crying. Mr Muscles knows who he is :-).

We head off for lunch, I tell Mrs HRH that I’m happy with McDonalds really or Burger King, she laughs. We had a lovely lunch the 3 of us. We talk about life, of course cancer and my journey. Mrs HRH says that she will read my blog, OMG! I talk about everything without crying until it comes to work and my BHS family. I know Mrs HRH gets how important work is to me. I also can’t speak to say thank you for all her support because I would just never be able to stop crying. I consider myself so lucky that I have their support. So as promised to Mr Moore I play the cancer card and it was agreed that I can go into Head Office to make tea and coffee for everyone, one day 🙂 so Mr Moore watch out as I will one day turn up and serve you a cup of tea but I won’t charge you £6 LOL.

After leaving them I phone Lorraine who I worked with for almost 4 years when I worked for M&S in Oxford Street. It was so lovely seeing her again. We set off for coffee and by now I really need painkillers however I am determined to make the most of the day as tomorrow when I’m having chemo in hospital I can smile to myself and think about the wonderful day I have had with everyone today. Lorraine and I are so close, she is lovely and although the years have passed with little contact we have such happy memories of working together. We laugh at our past antics together. I could have stayed with her for hours but I know I have to get back. My stomach is starting to swell as it always does if I overdo things and my back is so painful. Lorraine walks with me to Marylebone Station and I have just 6 minutes to get my train so thankfully no time for a teary goodbye, just a quick hug. How long before I can see her again or have coffee with Mr Moore or Lunch with Amanda and Mrs HRH I don’t know but today was so precious, thank you all so very much.

I get home to the news that Rebecca and Richards Uncle Pete may have Meningitis, I don’t know what type as I understand there are two kinds. This isn’t good news. My poor children, the worry, the constant bad news about me and Uncle Pete. I hug Rebecca but does that help, I don’t know. I can’t lie to her and say it’s not serious because it is following his brain surgery. Pete we are all thinking of you and sending you all our love and praying that you will recover quickly. Rita can you put Pete on your list for Sunday? Poor Rita, she already has a list for me but Pete needs you too.

Chemo day tomorrow so my post won’t be as long as today’s so you can all enjoy the rest from my ramblings haha.

Returning home yesterday following my lunch date with Karen. Steve had taken a call from the local hospice and I had to call them back. My blog took priority so I finished my post and then phoned the hospice. Now I was referred via my doctors last week so I was expecting a call or letter. I was happy to be referred as I was hoping to get help for Rebecca, Steve and my mom if she wanted it. Notice I don’t include Richard in this list but at this point I think he would just say no thanks and turn to Louise and his mates for support. But at least if I’ve made contact then it can include him if ever he needs help. Anyway I didn’t expect the call to be so jolly cos if you think of hospices I don’t know about you but I think of it being the last place you sleep if you lose the fight, anyway let me explain why the call was such fun.

The phone was answered by an Irish sounding woman. I said hello and could I speak to Sharon. Now for the rest of this paragraph you have to read it in an Irish accent. She said “is that Wendy?” Wow I hadn’t given her my name yet, so this is impressive, “yes” I said.  The lady explained that Sharon had told her that I would be calling to make an appointment with her. I said “I love your Irish accent, it reminds me of a dear friend of mine,” and I then proceeded to give her Rita’s best lines. So in an Irish accent I said “for fecks sake” (now swearing in an Irish accent is probably not the best way to make a good first impression LOL) and Rita’s other line “for the sweet love of  Jesus.” The lady laughed and said that I should also say to Rita “for the love of a Lamb” now what does this mean Rita? She offered me a few appointment times, 2.30 was my favourite as this is so funny. 3.45 is just not as funny as 2.30 in an Irish accent.  She had to confirm the time a few times and I just smiled to myself as she spoke. I asked if I needed to bring proof of having cancer (I think I’m remembering the Army and the need for verification). Now she laughed and said “no just bring yourself.” So the appointment is booked but I tell her that I’ll just want to spend all my time listening to her talk and not Sharon unless she is Irish too.

Another thing from yesterday that I missed out was Rod Stewart as my Aunty Shelia had brought me a CD of his greatest hits. She said that nobody could be sad whilst listening to ‘if you want my body and you think I’m sexy!’ I know this isn’t the title of the song but it’s how she sang the song to me, and we both laughed. Well your right Aunty Shelia, the CD is now loaded into my iTunes and that track has gone into the chemo gazebo playlist and you have to smile as you sing it, even mom was at it. Another gift from my Aunty Shelia was a really difficult jigsaw. I don’t do jigsaw’s as they require patience and that’s just not me but it is my mom. Well mom has finished it and here is the proof.

Another thing I forgot to mention was that Richard took his sister out for a meal on Monday, wow! They spent some quality time together, sharing moments, this is them on their way out, my special things. I think you can tell that Richard didn’t want his photo taken in the first shot but then tried to smile as Rebecca is just happy to be going out with her little brother.

After publishing my post yesterday, I was so tired I fell asleep again. The sad thing was that Richard had to leave to go back to base and I didn’t get to say goodbye. Sorry Richard and it was such I comfort to have you here for a few days.

So the first bit is about the ‘Referral’ part of the post. ‘Rejoice‘ is about seeing the best in everything at the moment. Laughing at poo conversations with Karen, singing ‘do you think I’m sexy’, sharing another day with my family, finding humour in most things. Laughter should be prescribed. I’m still waiting for Rhod Gilbert to contact me about doing a rant on cancer for me as Steve sent a link to his Twitter feed but no contact yet 🙁

I also laughed as I had a private message tonight from Russia. I thought we had broken into the iron Curtain, maybe President Putin was reading my blog! Sadly not, Evrim is on holiday there and still reads my blog daily. Evrim I should explain was our first au-pair. She is lovely and spent time living with us and she helped me raise my special things.

‘Reunion‘ is about seeing my team….

I’m awake as usual at 6 am. Feed cat, coffee, fag and today a chocolate, another gift from my cousin Nicky following her visit. I’m worried because I haven’t arranged a time to meet today and I couldn’t text Emma last night as it was in the curfew time. So I’ll just have to wait until it’s a reasonable time before I contact her. So I start as I often do when I’m up early on my project work, for work.

My mom and I go to our local hospital for bloods to be taken ahead of chemo on Friday. Mom has never seen how I’m fast tracked through the deli style cheese counter system of today 25 people waiting. She is impressed with the way I’m treated, straight through and out again within minutes. However she experiences the look of disgust from the others waiting, as I do look healthy. But as I’ve said before none of them would swap with me if they knew would they?

Parking at our local hospital is a nightmare. I also stood under the entrance barrier walking towards the hospital once parked and it came down and hit me on the head! Steve says he is worried about my sanity as I tried to condition my hair with body moisturising cream, I switched off the slow cooker by mistake when cooking a meal recently and now I’m walking under barriers!

With visitors arriving soon Mom and I go for fresh bread and cakes. can you believe all those cheesecakes have been eaten? I buy a whole chicken for hot chicken sandwiches, yummy. We return home to wait for them to arrive. I’m so excited that I’m out the front waiting for them, my team, my friends. Now I’ve not seen them for a few weeks although we do keep in touch weekly via text and phone calls. But receiving hugs (real hugs, full of love) is something else. I tell them no tears and lead them into the now famous chemo gazebo. We chatted for hours, drank coffee, had hot chicken sandwiches and cakes oh and Linda and I smoked throughout it all. But blink and they had to leave. I’m crying now just typing about them leaving. I tried to hold myself together for them but final hugs given I watch them drive away, unable to hold back the tears. I hope they didn’t see. It meant so much to see them, the people I saw everyday, laughed with, talked to, had fun with and just shared life with and not being with them just breaks my heart (still crying now and I can’t stop). Alison had brought me a wooden penis (featured in the photo) as a gift, she thought it may come in handy, really? LOL. I also had wine, coffee and beer, all this and I said just bring yourselves, bless them.

Other wonderful news is that my mom’s friends, Elsie, Mel, Pat, Les and Tom have been to my mom’s house and done her garden for her. The call from Elsie has really touched my mom. She doesn’t do tears but I know my mom and I know how much she appreciated it. Thank you so much the Scilly Six from buffer face Island as your kindness and thought for my mom is so touching.

I don’t like to end on a bad note but we all know that life isn’t fair so as Mr Grey and I often say “it is what it is.” This morning I found out via Facebook that Uncle Pete, Rebecca and Richards’ uncle has been in intensive care and is still in hospital. He had brain surgery a few weeks ago. Pete I hope one day you read this post and know that we send you all our love. Due to the time difference in Australia it’s hard to get updates. Much love to you from your family here in England.

Yesterday my editors were unhappy with my ramblings and so I thought I’d do a lighter post that reflects more on life and how ‘time goes by’. I remember what hard work it was having just 16 months between Rebecca and Richard. It would have been easier to have twins. As Rebecca was walking and Richard wasn’t it made even going to the loo a major task in itself. I couldn’t leave them together in the same room in case Rebecca decided to feed her brother or do anything that may hurt him. Just one of the many trials and tribulations of being a new mom. I remember one day when moaning about just how walking out of the house was like a military operation, bags full of bottles, nappies, spare clothes etc etc the bag of everything. This person said to me that they would both be 21 before I knew it and I would regret wishing these early years away. I recall being angry as I was in this never ending 24/7 job that whilst it’s been the best job of my life at times I like any mom could just feel overwhelmed with the never ending chores. The bloody bitch about life is that she was right, but I couldn’t see it at the time. Where has all the time and years gone too?  This photo is one of my favourite photos but I have many lol.

Seeing my cousin was wonderful this weekend and when our kids were growing up I used to visit cousin Nicky every Thursday. Now Rebecca and Danielle were at school but our boys Richard and Jack played together. This photo was taken at a family wedding. Richard is the one on the left and Jack on the right.

Now both our boys are grown up and I’m proud to say both serve our country in the British Army. This is them recently with their sisters after their passing out parades.

Now my photos are no different than yours in that we all love our children unconditionally. All those years, all that joy and hard work and now they are all grown up, where did the those years go?

Okay enough of cute kids and back to my life now. The curfew is 2 hours of sharing moments. Last night we all played Mario Kart. Now we haven’t played this in years. It was fun to play it again and I have fond memories of playing this with Lauren, she normally won out of all of us. So I as always came last, Richard won as normal, Steve came 2nd and Rebecca was 3rd but only because she had to leave us and have a shower at 10.30. My mom tried but failed at even completing a lap. She spent most of the time going the wrong way. It was so funny watching my mom even trying to play it, even she nearly choked laughing at herself.

It’s morning and I am in the chemo gazebo as normal and my phone rings, it’s Ant (my sisters husband). Now Ant, as much as I love him is a man of few words. We spoke for 20 minutes and 18 seconds! He said that he would have called sooner but it had taken him all these days to actually read my blog. I’m impressed now, not only that he read it but he took the time to read it all. We talked about how in 25 years our only contact had been texts twice a year, Julie’s Birthday and her death day. That’s 100 text messages of ‘thinking of you’. He then said, “where has all the time and years gone” to which I replied “how funny as that’s the title of today’s post”. We talked about the fun years on motorbikes, our children etc. It was so lovely to speak to him and not cry, to laugh and smile about a life we used to share together.

I have a lunch date with chemo bud Karen so after the call from Ant I go to get ready and set off. I arrive at 12 as planned and wait outside the services. Then I saw my friend pulling up in her car, we wave and I walk to meet her to give her a big hug. Drinks bought we sat and talked without noticing the time until I realised it was 1.30. Who else can I discuss shitting yourself with? The ‘one minute warning’ which we both agree is actually only 10 – 20 seconds. The smelly toilets and the embarrassment of family members using the loo after you? Strong air freshener brands? And how to hide shitty pants in normal washing piles LOL. Okay so I’ve just told you lot, but Karen and I have a special friendship. Bowel cancer and going through chemo unless you have been through it is hard to endure and hard to imagine, but not for my chemo bud. Karen appreciates all the love and support from Rita, my family, Nicky and my friends.  I have asked her to write a guest post for you all as a special treat 🙂

So it’s now just after 2 o’clock and after eating a delicious Burger King lunch I suddenly remember the 2 hour parking rule. After finding out that it’s £100 fine we set off to find the services manager. His name is Anthony and he is lovely ;-). Before we meet him I said that we could maybe play the cancer card to get out of the fine but as we are young and look healthy I doubt anyone would believe us. Anthony was so lovely that I decided that flirting is the way to handle it. So I say “now who do I need to sleep with to get out of this £100 fine?” We were both let off the fine and linking arms walked out giggling like school girls. Thanks so much Karen, you are so special to me. Keep up the candles for her Rita, you would love her. Here is Karen with her Burger King at Oxford services.

Back home my back is painful and I take painkillers, not normal for me as I hate taking tablets. As I sit and write today’s post I can understand my editors feedback on yesterdays post. Karen said I rambled on too. This blog is about helping others in sharing the journey and as I am between cycles, have my daily ramblings gone into other areas of my life? Yes but I’m also trying to share my life and of those around me, so that you get to know me. So I told my mom that she should write a post too, that shocked her. She should share how she feels as I have asked Steve to do too. I doubt if she will but it’s worth asking. And we are still waiting for yours Steve, no pressure.

So if it’s about cancer and my journey, then it’s a good day. Without taking chemo tablets every day being as it’s my rest week, my need to go to the loo 4-6 times a day has returned and Karen says that I need to get my back pain checked out as that was one of her first symptoms.

So I’m just about finished this post and a work colleague, Yasmin calls me. Now I will use her real name but if she had to have a pseudonym it would be ‘Mother Hen’. Yasmin and technology don’t always see eye to eye so when I found out that she reads my blog everyday I was so shocked. She said that my blog makes cancer real and not something to be scared about it. She enjoys my ramblings, see mom! Rita, Yasmin says to get in touch LOL. Yasmin, thank you for calling and reading my blog. Every time any of you share it on Facebook we reach out to people. Today I’m excited because someone is reading it in Russia! Wow. Now I always know that in Australia it’s Uncle Peter, in Cyprus it’s Dena and in Turkey it’s Evrim but to be in Russia that’s amazing. You all did this by sharing my blog. Thank you. If you have never shared it please consider doing so, as I am trying to reach others so that Karen, myself and others don’t feel alone.