50 Shades of Chemo

grey(Disclaimer: None of us is in any way medically qualified. Trying out ay of our ideas is at your own risk. If you are in any doubt about what is safe for you then you should check with your doctor)



50 Shades of Chemo

This was written to hopefully give you some real information on what you can do and the things you can’t do during chemo. Some of the options listed are not what you would normally do but if you are reading this then normal has gone out the window for a few months anyway. So unless you intend to never have sex again read on.

The guide is not just for chemo patients but can be used to ‘Spice Up’ your sex life. It was created by Mr Grey, Leanne BFF, Steve and I, so we almost have all sexualities covered off.

Now married life, foreplay and exploring each other can with time, children, work and daily stresses make the early days of noisy, wild, passionate nights/days seem like a distant memory. Therefore we have included some tips just because it may have been a while since foreplay was all you had rather than the ‘all you can eat menu’.

We hope that you enjoy our suggestions but in no way would we wish to cause any offence. Under 16’s stop and our mom’s and children stop reading now!

Setting the scene – Preparation is everything, if you are going to only be able to enjoy foreplay then why not make a meal out of it (well maybe not with your radioactive mouth) For your man you will need some type of lubricant and a wet facecloth as tissues don’t soak up semen and maybe a glass of iced water as a basic props list. Ice may not be appropriate on some types with of chemo and getting ice will only be possible with gloves. All will be revealed how these ‘come into play’ as you go through this guide! All props should be out of sight as men are very visual apart from when they are looking for their car keys! Light and ambience should be set to reflect your tastes, men like full on lights but women tend to prefer the subtle approach. A good compromise is candles.

Lets start with some easy stuff and work our way up to the harder stuff…..

  1. Flirting – There’s nothing wrong with harmless flirting and this can be used throughout the day. Try sending your partner sexy little texts, no promises of what may or may not be in store for them but just to let them know out of the blue that you love them and are thinking of them in a flirtatious way. If you are more dominant then tell them your going to spank them later, whatever works for you both. But do it, don’t just think about it, take control. You can continue with texts of daily demands like ‘pick up a loaf of bread’ but end it with something sexy so that it brings a smile to that worried, hard worked face.
  2. Lips and Kisses – As deep sensual kissing is off the menu then find another way. Kissing the neck is nice but it’s your tongue that shifts it up a gear. Light licks and soft breathing in their ear will excite but don’t linger, as they will get bored. Most sensitive spots are the neck and throat and where the neck meets his shoulder. Move their arms up over their head and hold them there whilst you kiss the underarm area just below the hair. Now strong deodorant is not pleasant taste so only do this if they are freshly showered
  3. Fingers and Toes – I don’t know about you but the thought of sucking my man’s toes doesn’t fill me with any sexual thoughts whatsoever. Clean would have to be a must but if you are into this then fine. The only thing about sucking digits is that this could lead to frustration of what he is missing whilst you are radioactive or it could be used as what is has got to look forward to when your not.
  4. Massage, Like Marmite, some people love it or hate it. If you have them on their front don’t do it for too long otherwise they me maybe asleep before you know it. Sensual touching, stroking on their neck, back legs and arms should be mixed with gentle scratching. Concentrate on the spine leading down the small of their back towards their bum. Whilst on the bum action don’t be afraid to apply deeper squeezing action.
  5. Props and sensations – Whilst you have your partner pinned face down you could always try adding features to excite them during massage. Different sensations can provoke excitement and it will give your poor hands a break. Remember if doing this hide your props away before you start so it’s a surprise for them Feathers silk or harder materials will bring on different sensations and reactions. You can always use you chemo gloves too.
  6.  Underwear – Now gay men get the underwear thing, like us girlies do. A friend of mine who has had a double mastectomy has become an expert shopper in the bra department. Taking a pride in dressing up your bits will inspire confidence too. If money is tight then this can be a problem granted and maybe seen as a waste of money. At the very least throw out the really scabby pairs. Armani, Abercrombie or Aussiebum our some of our recommended brands for you to buy for him.
  7. Lingerie – Whatever your size or scars, you are YOU and the biggest sex organ you have is your brain. It’s you he loves not the ageing body with scars that you maybe see and anyway he isn’t a spring chicken still now is he? If your man is still gorgeous, sexy and has a bum like a peach then lucky you. I think by this stage we are over the fantasies of Walt Disney aren’t we so lets just get real and accept our bodies for what they are. You may want to lose weight, have firmer breasts or maybe just have a six-pack for a tummy but whilst you are dreaming of these things don’t let life pass you by. Go and dress up what you do have, make yourself feel sexy buy treating yourself to some lovely lingerie. You don’t have to spend a fortune but like the advice to men throw out or keep the monthly ‘pants of disappointment’ in their place for when they are needed but until they are try to feel good wearing silk, lace, thongs and French knickers. You never know which ones will suit your arse so why not take your man with you to choose and then get him to pay, bargain.
  8.  Special Chemo tip for men to do for their women – But first time for a joke. “Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time” now that’s funny. What isn’t funny is that it’s our fault. We don’t tell men what we want and they are simple creatures god love them. If blowing in your right ear excited you last Friday they will continue to try this again and again and again until they give up and put it down to being a fluke last Friday. The truth is to all you men out there ‘ we don’t know what we want either’ but we want you to know and expect you to know. It’s not easy being a man is it, bless them.
  9. The Golden Rule – Now you men out there reading this, this is the best advice we will ever give you, you ready? Forget orgasms and kinky stuff for a moment and if you learn anything from this list let it be this: “Men need sex to feel loved and women need love to feel sexy” now read that one again until you get it.
  10. Best Lover – You can be the best lover with the best techniques but if your woman doesn’t feel loved your not getting anywhere. In researching this guide, books advise that you do simple tasks around the home to show her you care, that’s lovely however she will probably just be thinking that it was about time you took the rubbish out! Us women are hard to please. Don’t go for the cheesy flowers either as this just lack imagination. Try taking her out for a meal, a walk whatever but set the scene of a calm environment and then listen to her. Talk to her, let her talk, show an interest in her feelings. Us woman love to talk, we know it drives you men mad but the feeling of being heard or listened to is so satisfying to us women. That’s why we talk so much.
  11. Don’t try to fix her – another golden rule on this point. Don’t try to fix your woman. If she is off loading her feelings and really opening up to you about fear, hope, love and her inner most feelings, just listen and don’t try to fix her. She is capable of doing this herself. What she needs is for you to just listen so that she can heal herself.
  12. Be affectionate openly – Now by this I mean the art of touching her hand, a squeeze, or a smile. Tell her you love her, reassure her that she is your world. Reach out and stroke her hand whilst she watches TV but don’t linger, just the slightest touch of affection without sexual content is more moving than you men realise. Don’t do the cat-cuddling thing either too much!! I laugh at this cause its funny and cute but you men do pick your moments don’t you. My man loves me to cook and like our cat, he gets excited as the meal comes together and moves in to hug or hold me just when I’m about to rinse potatoes or toss herbs or I’m covered in flour. The affection is lovely but it always seems sad that I’m saying not now, really! I know he loves me but please men avoid us pushing you away, we don’t want to but you do pick your moments! Some of the research stuff I’ve been doing suggests you should sneak up to your woman and cover her eyes from behind whispering something sexy in her ear, if you do this whilst I’m cooking you will get a ‘cock au vin’ just saying!
  13. The element of Surprise – Men are all just big kids at heart and love a surprise. Extreme and weather dependent but whilst out one evening having a nice meal lean over or text him if you are in company and tell him you have no knickers on! He will love this and be frustrated at not being able to gain any access to you until later! A word of warning on surprise as if you try to tempt your man and then you feel differently due to being on chemo, the side effects which can be so hard. You have to be honest and say up front that your not in the mood. He will have to understand. Don’t do anything because you feel obliged to as it will lead you to resenting him, that your only doing it for him and not for you. This is all about you taking power back over your life and illness not doing him a favour, if you get into that mind set then it’s not good.
  14. The Power of NO – if you have been reading through this and keep saying to yourself that ‘oh no I couldn’t do that’ then you need more help than we can offer. Confidence is key to any of this working for you. There are some great organisations, which can help you. You have to be at a certain place mentally with your illness to be able to love who you are and find inner peace. We can’t give you all of that here, in this guide of handy tips, as that’s all this is designed to be.
  15. Music – Make a playlist together of music that you both find easy to listen to whilst you are enjoying each other. It’s no good getting in the mood and a song comes on that reminds you of a past lover or worst still music that just doesn’t suit the mood at all. You try making love to ‘always look on the bright side of life’ or anything by Nirvana.
  16. Take the Power – If you often wait for your partner to instigate anything sexual then, stop it. Take back the power. For you to get through chemo you are going to have to empower yourself. This isn’t easy and you may have all sorts of hang-ups about scars, body shape or the cancer still growing inside you. But not living is worse, so ‘seize the moments’ when you can. This will also help your man know that he is loved, wanted and safe.
  17. Make a List – Take a few moments each to think about how you were sexually in the early days. This will excite your partner, as they will probably have a stash of memories in the ‘Wank Bank’, which they can call on. For you to remember and discuss how those early days felt before kids and life got serious might help reconnect with the emotional side of sex first that all us women need. Make a list together of the things you have missed and the things you would like to try again.
  18. Alcohol – Now we all think this will give us courage. We think that if we have drunk enough then the kids next door asleep can’t hear you ‘at it’ but neither of these things are true. Even if you read this and say no way I need a drink first before I try any of this stuff listed, please think again. The truth of it is that all sensation is lost at a certain point of alcohol intake and as much as your man may try he will not succeed in pleasuring you. It will take hard work and gadgets sometimes to move your mountain and that’s not what we are aiming for here. During chemo it puts you off drinking anyway or it does for some people so embrace the feelings that you may have lost during all those late night and drunk fumblings
  19. Food – we all like cake hey girls and food can be used during sex although this has to be planned carefully as the bed sheets can get too sticky and think of the extra laundry that you don’t want! Don’t keep this for the main event you can use it as part of the build up. Whilst cooking once with treacle I put some on my finger and invited him to lick it off. Now the house was full as normal but it added a bit of fun to baking. Again it has to be at our bidding as cat cuddling can be a no no, remember! You can tease each other with food at any time of the day. If using food to stimulate them, try the eyes shut and no hands approach to what you are going to use to add excitement. Just don’t be horrible and pop a jalapeno chilli in his mouth, nasty as
  20. One-way street – I think that all men think they are driving a car when it comes to their women. When, like driving to Sainsbury’s, they tend to go the same way every time. Left tit, right tit, quick suck, down to 2nd gear for a quick fanny fumble to see if it’s wet enough, oh there you go a parking space! I hope you get my drift girls/men. You have to stop going down the one way street it’s boring and you may always pass you highway code but you won’t qualify in world racing. Use some of these suggestions listed to back up the driveway and learn to drive your car again. Some cars have 5th gears!
  21. Road Mapping – It maybe easy after an operation to list the areas for your man that hurt or is sore before you start anything sexual. As woman we tend to put up with stuff. You need to tell him or draw a diagram of the ‘no go’ areas due to scars, pain or just areas that you are not happy with him looking or playing with. Help him to help you with what works for you. You can also use this to highlight areas that you would like him to explore. Use colours blue for cold and red for go. This will stop the endless, ‘no don’t touch that or don’t go there’ awkward moments in bed.
  22. Nipples – Some men have sensitive nipples and enjoy them being played with as do us women but for some it’s a definite no go area that causes irritation. If he enjoys it or has never experienced it try licks and sucks with your tongue. Blow softly on them but not for too long, no longer than 20 seconds. You can then use the ice cubes from the chilled water on your man’s mouth and nipples. Now us women are naughty in that we never explain to our men our bodies change throughout the month. Sometimes we like are nipples played with harder than other times. If you pull, suck and lick at the wrong time of the month you will be causing pain, so why don’t we tell them this? Any ideas girls? No we just accept what they are doing as we don’t want to hurt you or we think you are enjoying yourself. You/we have to start being honest with ourselves and our partners. Two words that will help them wont offend are ‘softer or harder’.
  23. Condoms – Apparently straight men like the idea of a women putting these on with their mouth. Now I know you can’t taste anything whilst on chemo but this won’t appeal to everyone anyway. If it’s not for you then that’s fine but try to help him get it on by admiring his Mr Happy or offer to do this for him. Practicing first maybe important, go buy a banana and then you can always make a banoffee pie for tea too. Don’t take the condom out too early or it will dry out. If he wants to put it on, just let him. It’s embarrassing enough at first and you don’t want to loose the moment. There will be a guide on how to put it on inside the packet so always follow the manufactures guidelines (Health & Safety covered again)
  24. ABC of the Erection – Arousal, Bigger and Climax. Find his sensitive spot. For some men it’s the top part of his head, the part that would be facing down if he were lying down for some it’s the underside, just below the rim of the head. As Mr Happy gets bigger and extra sensitive be careful not to overdo it. A climax for men like with women are an experience of about 8 little contractions. Don’t grab Mr Happy after climax as he will be sensitive and can barely be touched. The longer the foreplay action is for men the stronger the reaction in orgasm. A man can toss off in about 3 minutes but it won’t be a toe tingler that you can provide for him.
  25. The Taint – cos it ain’t your balls and it ain’t your bum. This is the spot located between the testicles and the bum. Stroking, lightly scratching or even messaging him here can send him over the edge, so save this action for when you want him to come.
  26. Water Sports – No not weeing on each other. The shower can provide a great way of gaining contact and being close. If you have a family then doing this with candles if you are shy would be helpful but the bathroom is probably the brightest room in your home so you may struggle with this. Music whilst you shower can disguise noise and help you relax. Get your man under the shower and offer to wash him. Do this all over whilst not touching his bits, and then when washing is complete you can help him wank by going for ‘the taint’ or cupping his balls. Either way it’s up to you. Sore arms and strength can be an issue on chemo so early days let him do self service and the added bonus is it’s clean again soon and ready to use again if required.
  27. Balls – Place your hand, palm up, under his balls, then use your thumb and index finger to make a fairly tight ring at the top of the sac. His balls will then rest in your palm. A slight downward tug will make him happy and his balls smooth so that you can gently stroke them. One way to check if your Mr Happy is close to orgasm is to check his out his balls. If they look tight and are close to the body this means he is pretty close. If they are way up then he is at the point of no return and there’s no turning him back. If you’re on chemo as a women and as there are no body fluids involved the gentle licking and sucking of his balls will excite him. Take the whole ball sac into your mouth and lick around it. Remember to share and complete this with both balls, as being left out is never pleasant.
  28. Wanking – well the right stroke anyway! This four-twist method is a preferred one and it’s explained in 4 stages: Up, twist, over and down. Now if you do this then lubricant is essential. Don’t grab his knob like a doorknob. Make a ring around the shaft, press your other hand around the base of his penis. Steadily glide to the tip. When you reach the top swivel your hand so that your palm goes over the top, then come straight back down to the base, barely letting go, prepare for the next stroke because maintaining contact feels great for him. How hard you squeeze Mr Happy will have to be discussed between yourselves as some men like more pressure than others.
  29. The George Michael – What’s that song of his? Oh yes “let’s go outside” now one sure way to feel slightly naughty or sexy is to take it outside. Beware there are laws about this, having sex in a public place but on chemo that’s not an option really so we are talking about giving your man some pleasure whilst he feels ‘the wind beneath his wings’ LOL another song for you. Driving to a local beauty spot to admire the view is lovely at night, seeing the town where you live lit up, thinking about what everyone is doing, so why not enjoy this sight whilst tossing him off. If more adventurous go for a walk but timing is key as the young are always out late at night. If living with family when the just popping out for milk or a walk isn’t questioned and can provide some great alone time.
  30. Talking Dirty – not an easy one to do if you don’t normally talk during sex but in chemo and redoing stuff you may have forgotten to do in the buffet of life, you may want to think about how you can communicate, what is working for you and what isn’t? If you are gifted with an Italian partner who’s voice is so super sexy even if they read the TV guide then great but if not it’s important that you do consider your tone and the sexiness of your voice. Tell him how hard it is, how big he is, how much you miss him, how being with him makes you feel so sexy. This will help his confidence too and he may start to talk back. Wow a conversation in bed! You may start out with the best of intentions on this and keep forgetting it but practice makes perfect and if you are going to get through this then you have to start to talk. Even if you can’t during the act try talking afterwards about how things felt for you both.
  31. Breast Rubbing – The breast can be used as a vagina like substitute as can the buttocks. The lubrication here is key. You don’t want a dry sore Mr Happy. Baby oil is good or if you are in the shower the natural soapy water can help. The importance is to get the right about of pressure. Regardless of tit size the pressure you have to apply to get your tits to surround his Mr Happy maybe difficult. Also with ageing tits this maybe embarrassing. If you are not confident in the shower with full lights on try the bedroom first.
  32. Buttocks and Back Sliders – As above with the breast rubbing. If you are recently recovering from surgery you may want to leave this for a few weeks but it can be stored in your arsenal of suggestions to play with later.
  33. Toys (girls)  – Take the hard work out of the chore ahead of you. If you don’t have a vibrator then girl you haven’t lived. Every woman should have one. They should be issued on the NHS. A favourite is the rabbit sold by Ann Summers. Now these toys are not cheap but worth every penny. If your woman doesn’t have one then buy her one today, now! When it comes to being able to satisfy a woman there is no part of a man’s body that can compete in terms of speed or sensation. You men will just have to deal with this. Embrace a third person in your love life. It’s not a threat as it can’t make a cup of tea but it will refresh parts that you never knew you had.
  34. Toys (boys) – Not just for us girls you know but for your man you may need to turn the speed down. You can use your speed machine on his ‘Taint’ his balls or his Mr Happy however let him set the pace, as he will be more sensitive to the buzz on his exposed bits. Now make sure it’s not been used on you first as we don’t want a chemo cross over. You can buy special wipes for your toys, which can be useful. The other toy for men is a ‘fleshlight’ these are available in Ann Summers for around £50! That’s expensive hey or is it just me? The vibrating one is £65! Or sit your man on the washing machine and hit spin dry and save a few quid LOL. Ann Summers and Love Honey sell a wide variety of sex toys to suit all tastes, why not browse together online? You may find something to tempt both of you.
  35. Visual – let him watch! The male brain functions differently to the female. We like or respond to different sensations. A man when it comes to sex we think would like to blow the national grid to light up his Mr Happy, to just admire it’s size. They grade their ejaculations like farting and can recall any stories of great achievements including dates and times. If you have been over the year’s blind due to fumbles in the dark whilst your kids sleep then turning back on the lights maybe a little off putting at first. Maybe vary the stages of light throughout your foreplay so that he gets the visual side first and then turn the mood down for your turn.
  36. Bondage – there is a whole section in one book I’m using and you are either into this or not. The main thing here would be to use safe words between you and always respect each others boundaries. Dick slapping is not considered as bondage and can form part of playful fun during foreplay. Either you take control of this, which is probably for the best, or after practice your man can do it. As he should be guided by you in terms of where and hardness of the slapping. Mouth action is out so by this we are talking the bums and breasts during any sliding action you maybe trying.
  37. The last longer Man – The worry of a premature ejaculation for men is something us women take for granted, that they can perform regardless. The key to this seems to be to excite but not let him erupt. The more you bring your man to the edge and stop the greater control apparently he will have. Don’t worry if this takes some practice. Reassure your man that it’s okay and it may take time to perfect.
  38. Move about – Be active in bed not like a wilted plant waiting to be watered. Boring or what! After whatever you have been through on your journey and treatment don’t be a victim, don’t let cancer take everything away from you. Take control, tell your man what you want. If movement is difficult due to your situation, operations etc. then just find another way but don’t not join in the fun. He needs your feedback on how he is doing always. Remember you have probably only gone for the crispy duck for years so be brave.
  39. Go Blind – A great one if you have body hang-ups with your man. Whilst he can’t see you, your scars or all the saggy bits we all hate you can run riot on him with any of the listed techniques. The power thing may also excite you. If you get stuck with what to do next after you have tried a few things on him then why not ask him what he wants you to do, talking is good for you both.
  40. The G spot – This is part that all men will go for first in terms of reading. A great comedian once said that he knew of men with goggles and a pointing stick that never found it. The front wall of the vagina is more sensitive than the rest. A woman can have an internal or external orgasm, aren’t we lucky girls! Some people have a G spot and some don’t. We say lucky but our men struggle to find it. Once found, they want a treasure map tattooed on you in case it gets lost again as they fear not finding it again. Get your woman to lie on her stomach, hips raised on a pillow. Stimulate her as usual until she is aroused then curl your fingers up behind her public bone about two inches inside her vagina. Now press on her tummy button, making a come here motion with your finger. The spot appears to respond to pressure. Try rocking, massaging and making circling movements with your fingers or with a toy. Just above the bikini line, if she says she feels like weeing apparently your in the right area Now this sounds very odd and a bit cynical, all those fingers and thumbs and is this the right area stuff. Not erotic at all if any of his fumblings cause you pain. Now the book says it’s worth trying so good luck. Goggles and pointing sticks don’t come included in this manual ha-ha. Less than 30% of women don’t orgasm during intercourse and half of those are probably faking it. So stop worrying men if she doesn’t come and if you are faking it then stop as you will never know the true pleasure that you can experience with your man. Honesty is required here.
  41. External Orgasm – The ability to make a woman come via stimulating the vulva goes hand in hand in terms of advice as with the nipple section. The man normally whilst trying to decide where ‘the spot’ is using braille only and this can frustrate both of you. He may touch on the spot and us girls go ‘yes that’s it’ only for him to move off it again. Without you telling him what to do, he is aiming blind. How often do men give up on this because they are simply not confident and shooting in the dark. Now if you help them and give them a clue or a sign then they have to then apply enough pressure and stay there as if they move off the spot the moment has gone. There is a time for gentle and probing actions and there are moments when right there and rub until Aladdin appears is the only way to go.
  42. Secret sessions – Now are you hiding something from your partner? Are you masturbating whilst he is off at Homebase for self-relief and not being honest with yourself or him? If you are still having sexual thoughts and desires but not sharing this why? Is it guilt? What’s stopping you telling him or being honest with yourself? Or is it you the man who has secret masturbating sessions? Guilt is a difficult one to tackle as if your partner can’t do anything sexual then where does this leave you. I’m not talking about a short break from it due to illness I’m talking about the long-term pain of illness. We did some research on men that can’t get an erection and their sadness of not being able to satisfy their partners. Our only advice is that being lonely, being secretive and keeping sexual thoughts to yourself can lead them to becoming dirty and you in turn my feel dirty, not the feelings that we want you to have. The only advice throughout this 50 shades of chemo is that talking to each other, being open and honest is the key to getting through it. If you are not feeling sexy then tell your partner it’s okay for him to make his own sandwiches in private tonight, this takes guilt and secrecy out of their need for sexual release.
  43. Do it together – Whilst we are talking about masturbating why not do this in front of each other? You maybe able to teach each other more than you think possible. Men really love this but for us girlies it may take real courage. It may have been a while since you have even tried it yourself. Images of porn stars getting almost explosive sensations as soon as they touch their own nipples is just bollocks and we all know it. Why does the sex industry play to men all the time in that they or we can explode with delight at a moments notice! It really does annoy us that porn isn’t real life. Put all those perfect bodies out of your head, with their explosive desires on a beach in the sunshine as they haven’t taken chemo tablets, got a pile of ironing to do or kids to look after and when they do they will know what it is to be a real woman hey. (burning bra’s here). Why not offer to be their target, something for him to aim for and laughs can be had afterwards on his shooting ability. The face is not a good target if he is on chemo for health and safety reason but your arse, tits and belly (even with scars) are likely to be amongst his favourite bits of you.
  44. KFC – Finger licking good! Just a word of caution here as on a serious note of warning that being on chemo means that any contact with bodily fluids should not be entered into your mouth or any other orifice.
  45. Penis Envy – most girls have this, why is it that the person with the most spare time between the sexes can toss themselves off in under 3 minutes! Now that’s not fair is it girls? If you have penis envy you can always buy a strap on to feel what it’s like to dominate your man, not for everyone but we have to cover all angles here.
  46. Orgasm during sex – The CAT – The Coital Alignment Technique, well that’s what the research says it’s called. It apparently complicated, complex which takes patience to get right. It’s also the all time best position for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. So if you have 6 months on chemo then you have time to practice hey! No excuses. Apparently if this doesn’t score you a ‘no hands’ orgasm nothing will. Practice with your clothes on first work on the rhythm getting that right and then you can move onto bumping uglies later. Doing it with clothes on takes the pressure off you both and you can have a laugh with it.

Basic position – In the missionary position, penis inserted he needs to be inside you so that he is pressing on your mons pubis.

Legs – His together and straight, hers wrapped around his thighs, her ankles resting on his calves but more straight than bend.

Upper Body – He cups her shoulders with his arms under her armpits so he is resting on her. His head is next to hers on the pillow. His upper body is totally relaxed, keep your backs as straight as possible.

The Motion – Forget thrusting guys! This is slow, rocking, hip action based on pressure and counter pressure. As one pushes the other provides resistance. Full on direct penetration is impossible but that’s the point. Think external not internal stimulation. Think constant pressure on the clitoris.

How to do it – She tips her pelvis forward away from him and down into the bed, as she does so his penis will slip out almost all the way. The base pressing against her clitoris. He now needs to move forward so his pelvis is three to four inches higher up her body. Remember, the head of the penis is just inside, the base is against her clitoris. Then it’s his turn: he pushes down with his pelvis, so he moves lower.

Rhythm – Don’t speed up or slow down, instead maintain an even, steady pace.

You see all men reading this, you thrusting into us will not for many bring on an orgasm. That’s why more women can orgasm if they are on top. This is due to the woman using her muscles to ride you and not the other way round. So make yourself a cup of tea and chillax about the whole thing, as you now have all the answers, we hope.

46 – The fetish – Worth a mention as we all have secret sexual thoughts that turn us on. Whilst you’re being wild, open, honest and adventurous maybe now is the time to discuss what these are for you with your partner. Some may have to wait until treatment is over, or for Steve until Kylie Minogue answers all his begging emails. But they can be discussed and explored.

47 Porn – Have you ever looked at porn with your partner? For some this can be a real turn on, but may have some practical benefits too! You may learn more about what turns your partner on or get some new ideas to try out yourselves. Just bear in mind that porn isn’t like real life. The actors and actresses are probably bored silly and faking every ooh and ahh, so don’t feel you are supposed to ‘measure up.’ Anyhow, looking at porn together is surely more healthy than one partner looking on their own and ‘being open’ and not secretive is the key to a good sex life. Sexy films – If porn doesn’t float your boat, there are some very sexy mainstream movies out there, like ‘9 1/2 Weeks’ or ‘Eyes Wide Shut.’ They just might set the right mood!

49 Make it yourself – these days, everyone has a digital camera, so no more worrying about what the lady in Boots will think about your risque snaps! Or go one stage further, and set up a camcorder on a tripod and film the action. Just keep the tape in a safe place. You may not look like the porn stars, but at least it won’t be fake.

50 Fantasies – let your imagination run away with you. Tell your partner your secret fantasies. You never know, he or she might be more than willing to act them out with you. Seize the day, and pick some daisies! If you’ve ever wanted to make love dressed as a french maid, or a fireman, or in a forest or on top of a mountain – whatever it is, however outrageous, then talk to your partner about it. They may just say yes! We only pass this way once. Just remember to pack the condoms!


I wish to thank Mr Grey, Leanne BFF and Steve for contributing to this guide. I hope that you will benefit from it. If you have any suggestions or feedback we would love to hear your thoughts. We just want to help others and I hope that this guide is taken in the spirit that it was intended.

12 thoughts on “50 Shades of Chemo”

  1. Well what an entertaining evening you had with Mr Grey, Leanne BFF and Steve. Let’s just hope your neighbours have learnt something as they must have been ear wigging with all the laughing that must have been going on.
    Hope you didn’t make your mother edit this one!
    Made me blush, no REALLY!
    I can see it also has a serious side to it, but made me chuckle.
    Enjoy your CAT!

    1. Thanks Mary Poppins 🙂 it was fun but there is a sad serious side to it all which I hope helps others as the PRO’s excuse the pun don’t tell you anything, bless them, thanks for reading it and enjoy your weekend 😉 xx

  2. Only got one thing to say here

    Santamaria lol xxx

    Yep gotta go with Alison here lol
    I blushed
    I bet you knew this would happen lol

    Love n Hugs xxx

    1. Sorry for the blushes, anything that made you blush was Leanne or Mr Grey, I did the flirting section only lol xx

    1. Me too Brenda, me too. When you say enlightening I’m wondering if you are referring to my daily blog or 50 Shades of chemo lol either way I hope it does or just help people who are supporting someone going through whatever illness xx

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