Author: Wend

First the clean stuff!

I couldn’t sleep again! I gave up at 2.40, woke at 5.10 but went back to sleep and then Molly thought I would love to be woken up at 7.30, thanks Molly.

So I’m up, my head is still swimming from yesterday, and I am tired, I envy Steve and everyone else who’s mind can rest. I feel numb but at least I’m not crying. My mom texts first saying that she is so upset for me, as she, like Steve knows how much yesterday would have hurt me. She sends the wrong emoji sign for crying. The one used for laughing through tears and a fox instead of a dog. This makes me smile. I was grateful for my phone being quiet yesterday and the peace of the evening, thank you everyone. Well apart from Steve (my gay friend) but more on that in a minute. I did speak to Leanne last night as I was sad that I hadn’t seen her, I’d been looking forward to it and I’ve arranged a call with Nicky for tonight 🙂

Then Dawn messages me again just to see how I was. Now I’d been alright for about an hour but I was crying again. I told Dawn that dry eyes were one of the side effects, well it’s not one of mine! I type and cry at the same time but without checking what I’m typing. Dawn said that I had to stop crying soon as it was making me dyslexic and I did laugh out loud when I reread what I’d sent her, LOL.

Another possible side effect from chemo (there are 4, A4 pages of side effects) is that it can bring on the menopause. Now I’m due on today, so that probably isn’t helping my emotions. Now Steve isn’t worried about this as he doesn’t like ‘the pants of disappointment’ and he has been told that HRT can make women into nymphomaniacs, so he doesn’t consider this a side effect but a bonus.

I’m just so tired of crying and just tired in general, yesterday was so hard. I have arranged to meet Mary for a coffee at midday 🙂 and I have pre chemo blood tests to have, joy! Steve wakes and after a coffee he just suggests that I close my eyes for an hour. I slept with Molly under my chemo gazebo and woke feeling much better. I had sent Karen a text as she was due to start chemo again today and I was worried about her. She has decided to delay it for another week and transfer to Dr Weaver, I was excited as I thought this would mean that we would see each other again but sadly not as her treatment won’t be in Wycombe. Will I ever see my fellow cancer friend? I do hope so.

I meet up with Mary who is lovely and we just talk and talk and talk, I look at my watch and 1 1/2 hours has past by. Mary has had her share of ‘ain’t life just shit’ moments and it’s so easy to talk to her. I get more drinks and another hour goes by in an instant. I managed to talk about yesterday and not cry, wow! Thanks Mary for being there for me today.

I go to the hospital for blood tests and as promised there is no waiting for me. As I approach the waiting room I notice that the ‘deli style cheese counter system’ is on number 50. I wave my special red blood bag marked pre chemo and I’m taken straight through. As I re appear in the waiting area and walk down the corridor I sense the jealously of those waiting. If they only knew the reason I’m seen first they wouldn’t swap with me would they?

So returning home, Molly walked I settle down to write today’s post but I have decided that I need to make you all laugh or at least smile so anyone under 18 years of age, anyone who works with me and especially my mom, stop reading now. You have been warned!

Before I move onto the rude stuff, a message for someone very special to me, as I may post funny stuff on here but I am always thinking of you. OMG I’m crying again!!

WARNING – OVER 18’s ONLY – CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE

DON’T GO ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE ON THE BANNED LIST!  – MOM THAT’S YOU

So last night my gay friend Steve (we all have to have at least one gay friend us girlies) tries to cheer me up by sending photo’s of testicles. Steve and I have worked together and been friends for years now. Most people read my post last night and just left me alone but not him. He also thinks that my blog is so good that it should be made into a film. He suggests I’m played by a young Sharon Stone and my mom is played by Meryl Streep (my mom would like that).

Another dear friend just sent me this message “Fuck you Harry, JUST PISS OFF” now swearing is interesting as my mom never swears, the worst I’ve ever heard her say is “oh sod it” that’s my mom really angry. Now I like to add a little swearing occasionally into my conversations as I think it can add to how angry you are. Now the ‘fuck you harry’ message was again sent by someone who I have never heard swear, ever! so I know how angry she is. Sometimes in life you just have to swear. Now there are some words (well just one) that are on the ‘no go’ list when swearing in anger and that’s the C word and I don’t mean cancer. I don’t use this word ever in anger it’s just not right but when used in humour occasionally it can just make you laugh cos it’s just too rude. So the other day when I was buying a t-shirt for Steve for Father’s day from a website called Shotdeadinthehead.com (check it out it’s so funny) they have a mug which had Steve and I in hysterics, so I had to buy it. Here it is

Now whenever you order stuff off the internet you get put on the mailing list. I have daily emails from Duracell, Park Holidays, DP’s, Airport Parking and Staples to name a few but today I had the funniest from shotdeadinthehead and I think the other companies should learn from their sales pitch as I received this…

My final rude bit is for anyone who knows Steve. I know that some of you that work with him read this, so hello Liz and Graham 🙂 and thanks for your support.

We all have a drawer or a cupboard in our kitchen that contains sweets, biscuits and chocolate. Ours is a cupboard the ‘treats cupboard’. Now I’ve moved the condoms into that cupboard hoping to make Steve laugh when he goes in there. Steve likes a bit of banter and ‘if you can’t take it Steve, don’t give it’ So as proved the other day, Steve doesn’t do anything other than ‘I’m fine’ if asked but he isn’t so if you could, when you see him or speak to him on the phone, or I’ll accept a text message, just ask him how many condoms he has used out of his unopened box of 8! LOL now this I hope will make him laugh.

Mom if you are reading this then you are just too nosy, I warned you not to read the naughty bits didn’t I, LOL – Love you mom xx

It’s 6.40 and I’m awake already. I find sleeping a problem and I didn’t go to bed until 2.30. Now I’m annoyed with myself cos I feel tired and I’m in Kingston today 🙂 back with my team and Emma. The last time I was in Kingston was just before I started chemo and I didn’t know when I would be back with them. I had also arranged to see my friend Leanne on the way home so today should be a happy day.

Emma had texted me last night to say she had had a meltdown at work, we agreed not to talk about it on the phone that night, but leave it until I saw her. Poor Emma as she must be struggling to know what to say to me. If she tells me how upset she is she knows it will only hurt me. If she tries to cover it up then she knows that this will also hurt me. She can’t win. I’m dreading hearing her story as I feel so guilty leaving her to run Kingston. She does 3 peoples job without me there. I worry how long she can cope for. Not because she can’t do the store manager’s role but because of the lack of resource with me being out of the business for so long.

I have spent the morning messaging Dawn, Lauren’s mom. I have known her since I was 3 years old, we grew up together as she lived over the road in Kingswinford. Due to Lauren coming down Sunday and me explaining cancer to her, Dawn and I were worried she was okay. It was nice talking to her. We had shared memories of our childhood which were lovely to remember. The beauty of texts or messages is that the other person can’t see you. Many replies I sent were through tears. Why can’t I stop crying? I think that going through this shit makes all of your emotions to anything super sensitive. I don’t cry often, it’s just not me. Steve was always worried that I would get depressed going through Chemo (a known side effect) but I think it’s cancer that depressing. Oh no am I getting depressed?, should I go to the doctors I thought? No, I’m not depressed. I’m just feeling everything at a different level and I need to feel this. I need to cry. I said in one of these messages to Dawn that I would be painting my smile on today and pretending that I was fine, how wrong you can be sometimes.

So I shower and get ready, my head is sore and I’m worried about the long day I have planned. Hearing about Emma’s meltdown and I know that I should just cancel and sleep but I can’t do that as I love being in Kingston.

I’m ready for work, Steve is on late’s working from home. He says that I’m gorgeous (he always says that whatever I’m dressed in) and I think those still unused condoms are still playing on his mind. I tell him to behave himself as he has to start work in 10 minutes, and I set off to Kingston.

I have a playlist on my phone called ‘Love Songs’ it contains some of my favourite songs. I think that I need to create a cancer playlist. It’s on shuffle all songs,  I skip most of the songs and just listen to the ones that mean so much to me at the moment. I need to listen to ‘Jar of Hearts’ and get angry with Harry. I had a touching message the other day. This person didn’t want to give her cancer a name, she said as she didn’t want to be friends with it. That made a lot of sense to me now. As I drive I cry, listening to favourite songs. ‘Stop Crying Your Heart Out’ comes on by Oasis, this was my Christmas gift from Chris and Lauren, this brings a smile through the tears.

I am dreading seeing Emma as I don’t want to cry, I want to be strong for her. I sent her a text to say could we have coffee first in Nero’s so that I could hear her meltdown story before I started work. So the plan was to cry all the way into Kingston, so that it was all out of my system. The songs kept playing, I skipped loads hoping ‘Jar of Hearts’ would always be the next song to make my strong.

I have decided that cancer is very much like being pregnant. When something is growing inside you, you get to the point when you want your body back. I want my body back, I want me back! I want to be at work, I want to be strong, I want to be able to plan fun things, I want to just be normal again and I definitely want to stop bloody crying.

As I get to Kingston bridge, just a few minutes away from the store, ‘Jar of Hearts’ comes on. I’m happy now because I can get angry and be strong for Emma.

I walk towards the store and she is there, we go to hug each other and start crying instantly. For goodness sake, this wasn’t the plan! ‘Be strong you soppy mare’ was what I was thinking to myself but the tears just wouldn’t stop. I ordered coffee through tears and thought that the others in the queue must think I’m mad. Am I going mad? Probably always was but thought it was normal lol.

We sat and talked through her meltdown. Now the next 3 hours I can’t possibly write about in detail, so I will have to just give you the details as it’s just too painful. My boss was in Kingston and the business have organised for another Store Manager to come in and run Kingston for 6 months. That I would work on projects from home or from the High Wycombe store. I cried with Emma for 3 hours. I’ve lost them. I recall the conversation in the park that day before my operation. I knew this day would come. I knew that no matter what I did I would lose my BHS Kingston family. It’s not just the whole team it’s the friendships that you build through the years, sharing moments of each others lives, you become a family and I’d lost mine.

My boss tried to get me to see the positives. That I could focus on getting well, take the whole of Christmas off and then if I’m well enough I can come back.  I don’t want bloody Christmas off, I want to live. Not living is worse, this halfway house I’m stuck in. Cancer is taking away my life, the life I had.

I knew that I had to stay away from the store for their sake. I had to just walk away and let them forge a new way of working without me. I couldn’t be part of it from the sidelines, I couldn’t undermine the new Manager. So today I walked away from Emma, my team and my world of work before cancer struck. I have been told it’s still my store for when this is all over but when will my nightmare ever end? When will I have my life back. I’m watching it slowly erode from all angles and I can’t stop it.

Emma and I leave together walking towards our cars. I don’t want any more tears, no long tearful farewells. I hug her quickly and just say “I am sorry”

So Emma and my much loved team, ‘Crack on’ as I type this through tears.

Now I like to bring humour to my posts as I document my journey through cancer. To offer hope, make people smile and sometimes make people laugh but there is no joy in the shit for me today, just tears.

After yesterday’s post and most days I get private messages of support and love. My cousin Nicky messaged me yesterday to say that she would love to see me in a ‘humour killed my tumour’ t-shirt. I love all my messages of love and support every day from you all. Today I’m exhausted, no one can make this better and sometimes you just need to be alone in your thoughts, so no messages please today as no one and no words can make this feel better.

Monday morning blues I think! Steve and Rebecca have gone off to work. I plan to go into the Wycombe store to work but I feel so flat inside. My mom has returned home to the Midlands as she goes on holiday this Wednesday. Now this leaves me with a big problem as she edits all my posts. I tend to sit in my chemo gazebo and try to focus on what I’m posting for that day. Then I ask my mom to read it through for me. She enjoys this job and now she isn’t here. So I have to cope for nearly 3 weeks by doing the corrections over the phone everyday with her.

So I’m on my own at home and it’s raining.  I quickly tidy up the kitchen, as mom’s not here to do it, bless her and I head into the Wycombe store. I say hello to everyone but Mary is day off so it’s just not the same, no coffee buddy today. I pull off the previous weeks trading figures for Kingston to analysis and I’m sad, sad because I’m on my own, no one for me to be brave in front of, no one for me to make laugh or smile. I realise that being on my own is dangerous , as I tend to only think negative thoughts and get sad. Fear always starts to creep in and my mind won’t focus on anything.

There are holiday request forms on the desk and I’m jealous, jealous of people who can plan their lives and can look forward to holidays.

I’m looking through the reports and feeling very alone when Mary texted me to say that she is sorry that she is not there and that we could meet up for coffee on Wednesday. I am so lucky that throughout my day people think of me and contact me, just when I seem to need them.

Then Rebecca calls me, she has been to the doctors that morning and has been told she has to go to A&E. I quickly pack up my stuff and head for home. I’m glad I’m going to be with her soon, glad of someone who needs me, glad of the company and glad of the detraction from my thoughts. I can now hide my fears of life and focus on her.

I won’t go into details of why we are going to A&E but it’s her girlie bits, let’s just leave it there hey LOL.

So off to A&E we go, we were waiting at the reception desk when a nurse came through the double doors and shouted “Wendy!” I’m so used to being the one being seen that I started to walk towards her, Rebecca grabbed my arm and we both giggled.

The receptionist told us to go to ward 16. That is the surgical ward where I was on 6^th February this year. I’m heading to the ‘waiting room of doom’ with the hard chairs. We go around the corner and we bump into Jodie. She works for Mr Mullerat and assisted in my operation, she came to see me every day and was part of the amazing team that week that looked after me. I recognised her straight away and I was amazed that she remembered me as we hadn’t seen each other since March. It was great to see her. I told her about the cancer spreading into my lymph nodes, we spoke about Karen and I was again shocked that she seemed up to speed with Karen too and the problems she was having. I told her about my blog and she said to leave the details with Wendy the ward sister. This I did and I really hope that she reads my blog and can pass on the site details with anyone whom it may help.

I’m sat in the ‘waiting room of doom’ writing up today’s post. So the longer we are here the longer this post will be ha-ha.

I keep making Rebecca laugh by saying “all this is going in my blog you know” in fact I think everyone at home is now scared to say anything to me as it may go into my blog. I now use it as I joke saying “that’s it! Get my laptop, that’s going in”.

Before we set off from home I had to call my mom and Steve and do the “now don’t panic but I’m off to A&E.” Mom is concerned that I shouldn’t be in hospital as it’s full of sick people, she has a point but I’m not leaving my baby. Well Rebecca is 22 now but our babies are always our babies aren’t they?

The weekend was lovely, the wedding on Saturday and then Lauren visiting on Sunday. This weekend was my first rest weekend from chemo. I had thought my rest days would be good but I feel worse than I thought I would. Saturday I woke with the oddest of pains in my back of my head. I went straight to the painkillers. Sunday was draining and after Lauren had gone. Steve and I feel asleep in each others’ arms, in the chemo gazebo. Steve slept through contentment. I was happy but just exhausted but I had managed to hold it all together for everyone. Lauren sent me a lovely text when she got home and I started to read it out loud to Steve but I had to stop as I was in bits and couldn’t speak through the tears.

So back to the ‘waiting room of doom’ and Rebecca has just been called through.

As I sit and wait I see familiar faces from my time there. The nurses that took my blood’s, the man that got me to sign my operation consent papers, but I didn’t see the doctors that had to tell Steve and I that he thought we were looking at it being cancer. We called him ‘Will I am’ as he looked like him and we thought he was Mr Mullerat at the time.

Rebecca was seen quickly and we were soon on the way home. She called my mom, moms of that age (sorry mom) prefer a call rather then a text. She sent other update texts and then puts some music on and we sing all the way home, stopping off at McDonalds for a strawberry milkshake to make her feel better.

So I’m back home and I am happy that the day changed for me, that Rebecca needed me and I wasn’t on my own, sad and fearful of what’s going on inside me. The pain from the swollen lymph nodes in my neck hurt and I have to work hard at not letting it show, carrying bags is hard again and I should really get one with a strap of which I have loads but they didn’t match the shoes I was wearing today LOL.

I had wanted to write about less serious stuff today and I didn’t expect my afternoon to be spent in A&E writing this post. I have decided that as my ramblings today are not too long, and I don’t want to bore anyone. I still want to do some funny stuff. So here is my competition for you. The other day I was saying to Steve that we should design wacky T-Shirt slogans for people with cancer or people going through chemo and give the money to charity. This however has already been done (but without the money going to charity) but we had fun coming up with the ideas. Now the ones listed below are the best of what we could come up with but it’s up to you as to which one you think is the best.

My Oncologist does my hair

(This is Steve’s favourite)

I love my mom’s, which is

Chemo – Hair today, gone tomorrow

And Rebecca liked

Chemo – may the drugs be strong within you

(appealing to the Star Wars fans)

Others we liked were:

Chemo Queen

Don’t talk to me I’m on chemo

Don’t get mad, get chemo

I’m not pre menstrual I’m on chemo

Warning! Chemo at work

So I hope that my post today has left you smiling. As the final slogan I liked was:

‘humour killed my tumour’

If only life was that simple hey!

Now with the constant battle of the sexes, us women could write a whole book alone on the trouble with men but I’ll come back to that. Firstly I have to talk about Father’s Day. Now both Steve and I like many others sadly have lost our Dad’s. So on Father’s Day it’s a day of celebration for dad’s but privately we mourn for our own. This would also apply to those who have lost their moms on Mothers Day. Posts on Facebook of happy families all saying that they have the best dad in the world are lovely and both sad to see.

Steve has had the best Father’s Day present, ever. His daughter Lauren who only passed her test a few weeks ago drove down to see him to deliver her card and present in person. Lauren and Chris both live in the Midlands (100 miles away from Wycombe) and so the frequency of visits with busy lives have not been as often as we would like. Over the past two years Steve has gone to them for visits and family days out. So for Lauren to be here under her own steam just means so much to him, and to me.

Whilst lamb was slowly roasting in the oven (Lauren’s favourite) we all went out to walk Molly. I need to talk to Lauren about what was going on with the cancer as she needs the truth and a walk in beautiful countryside. I hope being with Molly will help detract from the seriousness of the topic . As we walked and talked, the tears fell from Lauren’s eyes, she was trying to be so brave. I had brought a tissue just in case and quietly just pass it to her and carry on with the details. I was as ever just going through the facts as if I was talking about someone else, as that’s how it feels sometimes. I then said to her without being able to hold back the tears, “It just means so much to your dad that you are here today. I have told you many times that your dad needs you. I have so many people supporting me but who asks your dad how he is? Your dad is so strong for me and has not cried, but he needs you.” Then we were both crying. Steve came and gave me a hug. I quickly composed myself and we continue to walk Molly. It was just so lovely enjoying the sunshine and seeing Lauren in my world, in her dad’s world. It reminds me of my post about  ‘The meaning of life’. Sharing is what makes us complete.

The trouble with men is…… So back to the subject of today’s post. Friday’s news of baby Harry was not good. I’m outside quiet, crying at some of the messages of support and love that are coming through. Steve went straight back to work as soon as we returned from the hospital. He then played yet another game of bloody Scrabble with my mom and then starts singing the Lego movie song, if you haven’t seen the film this will mean nothing to you but the lines are ‘Everything is awesome, everything is awesome when your part of a team’. I start to worry again about him and how he is dealing with it.

I wait until mom and Rebecca have gone to bed. I try to talk to him, to understand how he is coping. He said that he doesn’t know how to handle it. That he just can’t even contemplate me not surviving. I had noticed recently that Steve had been snappy with me occasionally. Steve said that he was angry, that I was young and that it shouldn’t be happening to me. He said that he was aware that he had been snapping at people. He just tries to focus on me and my needs. That just because he doesn’t cry it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel it but he just tries to be strong for me. I know all of this but I did take the opportunity to say that it was hard for me sometimes when he plays Scrabble and sings ‘Everything is Awesome.’ He agrees that this was probably not the best song LOL. I have asked him a few times to consider writing my my blog for me to help other men out there, he is still thinking about doing this for me.

And that right there is the trouble with men! They try to be strong, they feel they should protect us at all costs, they become trapped in this world of how supportive and strong they should be. That’s what is expected of them. Now this is where us women win in the battle of the sexes. We can talk to each other, I mean really talk about feeling. Men talk in facts, if you ask Steve how he is, he will reply “I’m fine thanks” if you probe any deeper you may get “oh well, you know it’s a bit shit,” but you won’t get how he feels. He is not ready to let it out or to let anyone in either. My mom is the same (OMG my mom is a man!) When Steve researches about Harry it’s all facts and figures, information only and blogs are normally from women. I want to help men too and that’s why I have asked him to post on here about how he feels, but we may all have to wait for that.

So I think it’s power to the girlies on this one, we win as we can talk about facts but also really talk about feelings and we don’t consider it a sign of weakness talking or crying about how we feel. I’m glad of my friends and their love and support, thank you girls and thanks to my special step daughter who today cried for me, cried cos she cared and made her dad the happiest I have since him since Christmas. Lauren you have no idea of the power of love us parents have for our children, the immense love that your dad has for you and the joy you brought to him and me today, thank you.

So it’s the 20th June, the day of the wedding. Now I’m really organised normally and always get my clothes ready for the next day, if I’m doing something, otherwise it’s Super-dry joggers. For some reason I didn’t do this. So I wake up and feel sick, it’s the first day of my rest week and I feel awful. Then the one minute warning kicked in and I’m thinking about my last post when I was talking about shitting myself in church and start to worry. My stomach the night before had been massive but it was going down now, I think it heard the word laxatives yesterday from Dr Weaver. I decided to have a piece of toast and jam to help with the sickness.

I blow dry Rebecca’s hair,  I love making Rebecca look pretty as she is beautiful to me but she doesn’t like the all the girlie stuff, so I’m making the most of pampering her. I then shower, get dressed (thanks for ironing it all mom) and we are almost ready but I can’t find my matching handbag for my shoes!! OMG I can’t remember the last time I went out without matching my handbag and shoes, oh the shame of it. Rebecca came to me after she, Steve and my mom had searched for it, without any luck and said “it’s okay mom as there will be worse dressed people than you there today” Now I know what she meant to say but my lovely daughter, bless her just doesn’t say what she means sometimes or it just comes out wrong, lol

So off we go to the church, we make it with 15 minutes to spare. We go in and in front of us is Steph (who went to college with Amy and Rebecca). They started talking straight away. I said “hello” but said that I would talk to her in a minute as I have to say a prayer first, as I was in a church and I was brought up properly. I found it very comforting to be in a church and saying my private prayer to God to look after my loved ones, not me but just the people I love. I then said hello to Steph and the couple next to her who had not been to a Wedding before. The music started and the wedding party were there. Amy I would like to say looked beautiful but she was in such a hurry to get to Joey she almost ran down that isle and I didn’t actually see her or the dress, they went past as a bit of a blur.

Now the service was conducted by a lady vicar. I really got the feeling she was being genuinely sincere about her job for the day, when she spoke about her hopes of  love and happiness for them and all that the future would hold. She was also very caring about the whole family as they had been through a bereavement recently. She made us all laugh at times and allowed us to clap when the vows had finally been taken. Amy was a wreck and cried most of the way through her vows, all I could see was Joey dabbing her eyes with a hanky. The service was beautiful and full of the love that they clearly have for each other. Now I’m watching all this and thinking of the vows that I took with Steve 11 years ago.  I wish I could do it all again. When you say the words “in sickness and in health” you have no idea what sort of commitment that may be one day and I think of my poor hubby. The only other part of the vows that really upset me are the “til death us do part” I couldn’t have that in our service and opted for the as long as we both shall live. One of the readings was from Corinthians 13 vs 7 & 8, and it reminds me that we have that on a piece of wall art at home as we had that at our wedding and we both love it.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

I am really enjoying the service and at parts getting emotional and at the same time feeling comforted at being in church. The lady in front of me has brought a bottle of water and at some point not only drinks from it but also drops it on the floor. Now I was brought it to be respectful in church and I find it odd that people don’t know how to behave in church. I am thankful of my upbringing at this point, that I know how to behave in church. We sang hymns every morning at primary school as the morning assembly was the start of the day, and I can recite the Lords Prayer without thinking about it. It’s as natural as saying my name and I don’t need the words written down for me. It makes me sad that the younger generation don’t have that grounding (I now sound old). When we went into the church prior to the service I was amazed at how many people were on their phones. I did quickly reply to an old school friends message very as I was checking that my phone was on silent but it was then put away.

I was talking to Rebecca about religion whilst the register was being signed. She said that she didn’t really believe in God. I started to talk about how through life we need to believe. I talked to her about the night I just wanted to be in church after Julie had died. That I was just sat in church on my own crying and a vicar appeared to talk to me. The memories of that just hurt to much and I could feel the tears burning in my eyes so I quickly ended the conversation. The service ended all to soon and we were outside for photos. I sadly missed the confetti throwing moment but made up for it later.

At the reception we were all outside, I had found somewhere to park myself and was getting to know Steph. I also had the opportunity to meet Amy’s mom who I had heard so much about. The photographer wanted a group shot so we all congregated on the steps. I thought it would be the right time to do the confetti bit, so all arranged with cameraman ready Rebecca and I threw ours, straight in to the wind blowing towards us! so we moved to the other side of the happy couple and tried again but I didn’t have much left so it was a bit pathetic. Now Amy was definitely not at the back of the queue for boobs and she had confetti in her cleavage. I decided that it would be a great idea to place the little confetti I had left on her assets for Joey later. I don’t know how but I somehow grabbed the front of her dress and I heard a massive rip! OMG I have actually torn the front off her wedding dress! I was about to cry, I could have died from the shame, was I going to be the first person banned from a wedding? Amy was in hysterics at my horror as the front of her dress was on poppers and I had pulled them off and not ripped her beautiful dress, it could only happen to me!

The day was just too long for me and I left sadly at 6 pm, not been able to do the dancing I wanted to do with Rebecca. I was just so tired. So I went to say goodbye to Amy. After hugs she said “oh I love your blog.” “You read my blog” I couldn’t believe it. “Yes she said and so does my mom” I felt so honoured, I was shocked that they read it. So to Amy and Amy’s mom “thank you for a great day and letting us share it with you”. The whole day was beautiful and full of love. Not only between the happy couple but you could clearly see the love between the family members. Talking of love I have to share this with you, as part of Joey’s speech to Amy he said

There are two important days in a mans life, the day he is born and the day he realises why he was born.

Upgrade so Steve wants to enhance my site and we set about improving the look of the blog. We tried many designs but decided that they weren’t me. After much thought and debating the photo that now appears is of me trying to cope at work, in pain and thinking I have wind. The hot water bottle is from my dear friend Linda. Now a word of advice, don’t try to use a hot water bottle to get rid of cancer pain. I used it most days for weeks and it took weeks again for the marks to go from my belly.

The blog, thanks to my Facebook friends in sharing it has been read in Vietnam, USA, Indian, Sri Lanka, Philippines, Estonia, United Arab States, France, Mexico, Germany etc etc etc with over 2000 people seeing it. Today I finally got a comment from a fellow cancer sufferer who placed a comment on my blog to help me with advice. Bless you Tammy and you made my day complete.

So it’s the Wedding Day, 20th June has come around quickly. I remember the day that Amy (Rebecca’s friend) dropped off the pre, pre, pre wedding invitation in the form of a fridge magnet so that we would remember the date. It’s still on our beer fridge door now.  I remember thinking that this day was a long way off and I wondered what we would all be doing around that date. Now this leads me to believe that the saying ‘we are better off not knowing what’s coming’ is very true as I wouldn’t have believed how my life has changed. So it’s all preparations tonight for tomorrow, well I’ve painted my nails so that’s at least a start. Tonight I took my last chemo tablets for a week, it’s a week off for me 🙂 before we start cycle number 2 intravenously on Friday 26th June. So I’m hoping for a feeling normal week.

So having been to see Dr Weaver I now have laxatives to add to my collection of drugs. He did agree with me that I should take them after the wedding as shitting myself in church was not something any of us would like to happen and it’s just rude to up stage the bride. He didn’t actually say that but it was what I was thinking. So normally I would go and buy a new dress for a wedding but I have a big problem and that is my stomach. Those that know me know I’m a size 8 -10 now the rest of my body hasn’t changed so I just look pregnant, no seriously I do. I thought I was gaining weight due to the steroids but no one can put a stone on in a week. Dr Weaver said my bloating was caused by the drugs, and so gave me more drugs. Now the only new clothes that I would be able to buy for this wedding now would be from a maternity section, as I really do look pregnant.  Until my body starts to right itself, shall we say.  So no new clothes for me but I do have my daisy dress which was brought recently with Leanne prior to my holiday pre chemo with Steve. We were only out shopping for about 2 hours but she nearly killed me. We returned home to Leanne saying that she had broken me, I could hardly walk, so we both fell asleep together outside in the sunshine to recover.

Anyway it’s the daisy dress for me tomorrow however the front daisies may look more like bloody sunflowers but who cares at least I will have made it to the day itself as Rebecca once said that ‘I might not make it’ bless her. I don’t watch Coronation Street but my mom told me that Eileen wore the same dress to Gail’s wedding. I do hope there isn’t more than one daisy dress today, every woman’s worst nightmare hey and wardrobe disaster.

The best question ever – so after my results today, whilst lots of friends offered to call me if I needed them (thanks you lovely people) I just didn’t want to talk about it really. Writing the blog is a great way of putting all the information down and then just texting “posts up” and then everyone can absorb the details. So I’m sat in my ‘chemo gazebo’ with Steve and my phone goes off, it’s a text message from my step daughter. It said “can I ask you a question?” I said to Steve that I was worried what was coming next, was she in trouble? and was I going to be able to help her? I replied “that of course she could, that I was always here for her and how could I help?” nothing came back for a few minutes and then my phone went again, the best question ever

“Are you going to die?”

Oh bless her, at first it made me smile as I was impressed with her honesty and courage in just coming out with it. Instead of us as adults either not talking about it or skirting around the question, ‘she went bravely where no man had been before’ that’s from Star Trek I think! Oh well Steve will put me right on Star Trek quotes – Trekkie.

So I sent her a long suitable and honest reply. Nothing came back. Was she upset, was she not expecting the reply I gave, was she angry or just in the shower! Whilst waiting for her reply I was talking to Steve about my worries over Lauren and her question. He said that as long as her reply didn’t come in saying “well can I have your jewellery then”?  it would be okay. Now that one really did make me laugh out loud Steve. She did text back and don’t worry she was okay and never mentioned my jewellery LOL.

Now I’m posting this after midnight as I won’t be able to post on the day due to the Wedding however I have planned a break for myself, to come home and rest before the evening do. Let’s hope I have the energy to return to the celebrations as it would be lovely to have a dance again. I can’t remember the last time I danced!…… Oh yes I do it was the works Christmas party. I would say fond memories and there were some but some of the staff were a little ‘worse for wear’ and it was a laugh but hard work too, and unbeknown to me I had Harry growing inside me. Anyway I shall miss not posting as I normally do so daisy dress pregnancy photo’s to follow on Sunday 🙂

It’s 2.44 when I look at my Iphone. I’m ready and Steve has just got cover from a colleague on his job, so here we go again. Back to the hospital, the appointment is scheduled for 3 pm. Now we have no idea if we are actually going to meet the real Dr Weaver or his registrar. We don’t know if the results from the biopsy taken on Monday will also be in either. So it could either be how are you doing, nothing more than that or I could be another, oh no! meetings. I hadn’t even got a typed list of questions prepared as I had no idea what we would find out.

We self checked in! They have this system everywhere now, where you do the receptionists job for them. There was a massive queue for the receptionist and two self check in machines not being used. Steve tried to show them the way forward, to embrace modern technology but it was lost on them. We fast tracked, went as instructed to bay 1, placed our letter in the pouch on the wall (cos we now know the drill) and waited. There was another man and his wife there. He was filling out forms and a nurse kept flitting backwards and forwards with more forms. Just before we were called in they stood up to go, the woman was trying very hard not to cry, the nurse hugged her and the man, who obviously had cancer just collected his things and left them to it.

“Wendy Guy” I heard, and there he was, Dr Weaver. Now Mr Mullerat had told me this man was going to be the next one to look after me months ago. On our first visit we didn’t see him but his registrar and he is hard to pin down unless you go private and give him £240 for 40 minutes of his time. We went in, and I noticed that there was no cancer nurse Kim so I’m assuming that it’s just a routine appointment. My file is closed but on his desk and by now it’s quiet large.

We discussed how I had coped with the chemo and what side effects I had gone through. I was able to ask some of the questions for Karen. 1 – if they lower the dose because the side effects are too bad then does that lower the success rate? “no not at all” he said as it was more important that you get through the whole treatment. 2 – If you can’t complete a cycle because you are too ill, does that also lower the success rate? again he assured me that it wouldn’t. Excellent I thought, as at least I can stop worrying about Karen. He did say that because I had suffered with the chemo going into my arm that I could have a thing put into my arm that stays in for the duration of the treatment (this is what Karen is going to have, as she says her veins are shagged) I don’t want something permanently in my arm, after 4/5 days the pain starts to go and I just don’t like the thought of having a permanent reminder there, however this may mean I get a plaster lol, so I agree to think about it.

We when have to discuss poo! again. On this and through the meeting I managed to make him giggle and smile, I’m good at that! I said “for pity’s sake do I have to talk about poo again in front of my husband” Steve bless him offered to leave the room but I said it was okay and covered his ears with my hands. I said that chemo had just made me into a normal person really who only goes once a day now rather than 4-6 times. I forgot to mention I had trouble getting out the house yesterday as I went 4 times in the morning but I was okay once I was at work. Dr Weaver said that I needed laxatives and gave me a prescription. I also found out another perk which is if you have cancer you don’t pay for medicines, fabulous. Free drugs, reduced parking charges oh and fast track at the pathology department, oh the joys of life.

I then asked the question, were my results in? Without moving or touching my file he said yes they were and I had bowel cancer in my lymph nodes. The ones in my neck and we are assuming the others that were inflamed in my gut from the CT scan. Dr Weaver explained that he wasn’t going to operate, excellent. That he would not expect them to be killed off after just one round of chemo. That after cycle number 4 I would have another CT scan and then if they are still there then he will change my chemo. I said great, “you do know CT scans cause cancer?” he just laughed and said “that yes that was a risk only for people who didn’t actually have cancer” I tried to then ask and what if that doesn’t work etc looking longer term but he just wanted to take one step at a time.

He was a lovely man Dr Weaver so I told him that he was missing a trick and should slip in some happy drugs with the chemo so people would love it. He agreed but then as Steve says we would then have hordes of people addicted to chemo. The meeting ended with another appointment to be booked for July and a prescription . As we were leaving Dr Weaver said “look if anything serious happens just call us”. To which I replied “what like getting cancer” and he laughed again and I was heading home to break my moms heart again.

I told Rebecca and mom, Rebecca said okay, went upstairs and then went into town. Mom and I sowed the grass seeds purchased earlier and Steve went back to work. Seeds sowed and a hug from mom, I knew I had to tell everyone. The last person I texted was Richard, I typed the following message, try to add humour to make him laugh.

‘Results in, I have bowel cancer in the lymph nodes in my neck and don’t even think about calling me shit head lol’

and so it went on with the information I’ve already told you about. I then just hit copy and paste to the people who knew about today. Anne from HR, who is actually called Amanda and has said that it’s okay for me to use her real name, was the first to reply. Out of the texts I get back of love and support (thank you all) I also get a text from the HR Director, now I’m in pieces and try to type a response through the tears. The support I have received from work has just been amazing and it really does overwhelm me, so I can make everyone laugh, hold it together for my loved ones but one text from work and that’s it game over, what a soppy mare I am.

Well that’s it then, warts and all. We are now back to more CT scans, waiting and of course hope. Hope that Harry will one day just piss off and leave me alone or that he at least doesn’t get into any vital organs and the chemo actually works.

Last night I’m sat in my ‘chemo gazebo’ which Steve brought for me last week as I’m not allowed to sit in the sun, due to the drugs and being radioactive. My mom came and sat with me and said that she loved my blog BUT…”go on mom, just say what you want to as I welcome all feedback, I want to know if it’s any good or not”. She said that it was good but that nobody talks about the serious stuff, that we all skirt around it. That the laughter is fine but what about the real question, “what’s that then mom”? She said “Death! Its alright projecting the funny side that I see in cancer but if the blog is to be real then you have to talk about death”. Steve then joined us and we discussed it and I knew what I had to do. I will write about the two and you can decide which one you would rather read. So you can choose, or you can read both and then decide which one you prefer, so here goes.

Laugh
I remember driving home from the meeting with Mr Mullerat when we found out that without chemo I only had a 25% chance of living past 5 years and that he had to leave cancerous lymph nodes in me as it couldn’t all be removed in surgery. Steve was driving and he said “I can’t possibly live without the love of my love, I have to go first” to which I replied “well you had better get I move on then as I haven’t got long” now that’s funny.
In the shower this morning I thought, I’m glad that I won’t lose my hair but I have to say I was looking forward to not having to get my legs and fanny waxed for a while and think of the money I’d save! and that made me laugh to myself!
I like saying to Leanne and Nicky “well at least I’ve still got my health hey” most people laugh at that one
I like the saying ‘if I wasn’t getting older I’d be dead’ now that’s both true and funny
Rebecca and I are due to go to a wedding this Saturday. I laughed when 2 months ago Rebecca said when talking about who she was going to go with “well we will have to see if mom makes it to June 20th” hilarious.
And there are probably many other moments that I’ll remember after I’ve posted this blog up but I hope you get my point. Cancer is serious but I just find it easier to find laughter in it, I’d rather that than cry.

Not Laughing
I fear everything. I fear going through this six months for an extra 10 – 15% survival rate and it not working. I have thought about resigning from my job so my team, that mean so much to me can just get someone else and move on (tears in my eyes as I type those words). I have thought about suicide, why put everyone through this hell, why not end it all now if I’m not going to make it anyway? (don’t panic mom it was only a thought).
Steve and I have discussed the house, my jewellery but what would he do with anything else we haven’t discussed. Who would look after my mom if I died before her? What about my kids & Steve? who would cook for them, bring them together, help them sort out my stuff? What if Steve met someone else? would he always be in touch with my kids and mom or would he over time move on? How would Nicky cope without her best mate as I know stuff that only us girlies know, we talk, really talk and understand each other due to the years of sharing each others lives. What about Molly, she is only 3, I would never had agreed to having her had I’d have known I may not out live her, who will take her? (big tears in the eyes now after typing all of that).
Mom asked me last night what I thought about dying and I said that I didn’t fear dying but I did fear the way I check out. After seeing my dad slowly die over a short period of time with pancreatic cancer, I wouldn’t wish what we saw on my worst enemy. I don’t want Steve, mom or my kids to see any of that.
I fear getting ill at the moment due to being on chemo. I’m doing well but when I go out I see potential germs everywhere that could make me ill, where people touch things like door handles, cash machine pads etc, not everyone washes their hands you know. I would like to stay inside my home for 6 months where I’m safe and not leave it’s sanctuary, It takes courage to go out.

So you have both versions of my mad mind. The truth of it is that if you read by posts you will find elements of both sides of me in between the lines. I tend to flit from seeing a serious topic but writing about it with what I can find that’s funny within it. There is nothing funny about cancer and that reminds me, I have been overwhelmed again by my friends and family who have read my blog and then sent me private messages. Thank you all as it means so much to me to know that I have so many people who care about me and are thinking of me. Most people say that I am brave or inspirational. I’m neither of these things. I like everyone else with this shitty disease have no choice. I have to keep going, not because I’m strong or stronger than anyone else on this journey with me but because I have no choice (oh there’s always the suicide option I suppose – LOL only joking mom).

I’m just two days away from completing the first cycle of chemo I thought today about how I haven’t really explained much about what I have to take in terms of drugs. As this blog is to help people I thought I’d do the science bit for you. Xelox is an infusion of Oxalipatin and Capecitabine. An infusion! it sounds like a blend of tea or a marinade for meat. Oxalipatin is the shit that burns through your veins via a drip and the Capecitabine is the tablet form. The dose in the tablets given is based on your weight, height etc. I take 1650mg (4 actual tablets) twice a day. Which will have to be increased if I keep putting weight on at the current rate LOL.

I need to share with you how much I hate taking tablets. As a young girl probably about 10 years old I had to take tablets for something, I can’t remember what was wrong with me. I just couldn’t physically swallow them. My mom, trying very hard to help me, tried hiding them in food, cutting them up and all other mom tricks she knew to get me to swallow them but nothing worked. As a last resort she placed a pound note on the table (yes the old green paper note) and said “if you swallow the tablet the £1 is yours” well I considered it for a nano second and down the tablet went in one gulp. Mom was delighted and so was I as I really did think that I was going to get £1 every time I took a tablet! The damage was done, I had proved I could swallow tablets but I have always hated it and often gag. So for me taking 12 (for the first 3 days) and then 8 everyday for two weeks is hard. At tablet time twice a day, I still have to have a treat for when I have taken the tablets, another reason why I’m gaining weight i think, I also have to punch the air saying “champion” as if I’ve accomplished some great achievement.

‘All you can eat’, sounds good hey! so now your reading this and thinking of a Chinese buffet, spare ribs, crispy duck etc well I’m sorry to disappoint you but that’s not what I’m thinking about.
On Sunday Steve and I were walking Molly over the park and we were talking about how life changes with cancer. This is an important conversation I’m about to have with Steve as I’m due in one week to go into hospital to have the second cycle intravenously and it is the Oxalipatin that burns your veins and your arm is out of action for about 5 days. My fanny as previously discussed in the blog is radioactive and so is my mouth. Kissing is now reduced to a peck, no open mouth action and definitely no tongues! My left arm is weak and hurts sometimes due to the swollen lymph nodes and so there is not much of me that I can offer to my husband (in the biblical sense) that is okay and usable, oh my feet are okay, LOL. This is important as I need to decided which arm I am going to have the Oxalipatin shit pumped into a week on Friday.
My wonderful hubby Steve just said that “pre cancer I was like an ‘all you can eat’ buffet. That everything was on the menu, the menu varied throughout the year like the seasons but someone has reduced the menu from the delicious all you can eat to make your own sandwiches”. Now I thought this was funny and decided to share it with you all as he is right. Top tip, before chemo go for the all you can eat option, stuff yourself silly because the options on the menu reduce quickly depending on your side effects. Or if sex is a problem for you to discuss with your partner then try the analogy of the buffet to break the ice :-).

In the last 24 hours I have been contacted by some lovely people. Old friends from school, new people I don’t actually know and current supporters in my journey. I thank you all for your kind messages. One made me very sad as it was someone who had cancer in the girlie bits. They had a full hysterectomy and because they are okay and clear said in their message that they didn’t like to talk about it as their cancer wasn’t as bad as mine. I’m sad that we feel the need to grade our cancers. For me cancer is cancer. The journey my old friend had been on was no less traumatic than mine. The fear, worry, tests, hope would have been the same. That moment when you truly have to look at your life and say to yourself “oh no I stand to lose all that I have and that is precious to me” is sobering. If you are at stage 1 or stage 4 you still go through the same emotional trauma, you just have a better chance of survival at stage 1. Please don’t anyone reading this ever feel that you have to belittle what you went through or are going through as cancer is cancer. If you need to talk about it then do and I’m listening, I’m here to try and help if I can and you don’t have to put a number to your cancer as it’s all shit to me.

So I decided to ask my Facebook friends for help by promoting this blog through sharing it on their Facebook sites. OMG I was so shocked at the response. I have a tracker on my blog so I can see if it’s reaching people and wow the power of the internet. I had over 400 views in a few hours from all over the world. Previously I think the traffic was just coming from my mom and hubby lol.

It’s been a funny old day. Even though I was told I couldn’t work I managed to convince Ann (HR) to let me go into my local store to work for a few hours and I was able to take Mary out for coffee, we took a selfie and sent it to Ann to make her smile.

Over the past few days there has been a birth and a death in my circle of family and friends. Firstly baby Jacob was born on Saturday, a new nephew for us and a wonderful addition to the Guy family. He his 9 weeks premature but doing well. The death, I can’t comment on yet as it’s not public knowledge and I don’t wish to offend anyone.
After leaving work I went and delivered some flowers and a card to let them know I cared.
After a sleep cos just being away from home for 4 hours took it out of me, not that I let anyone see that. I just kept the ‘I’m fine’ face on. I finished my last historical post that I wanted to put on my blog and plucked up the courage to ask people I knew to share this blog. I was touched by the messages I received from people I knew and didn’t know. A very kind person called Anne a friend of Michelle’s from school is going to add me to her ‘Race for Life’ list that people wear on their backs. I’ve done the ‘Race for Life’ locally with Rebecca and we did it with pride for my Dad but I never thought I would be relying on others to fund raise to save my life and the thousands diagnosed everyday in Britain.
I have Rita who burns candles for me every week in her Catholic church and Nicky’s mom and dad (dear old friends) who add me to the prayer list every week at our local Methodist church back in the Midlands on Stream Road where I attended and my children were christened. So I have two denominations covered LOL.
Another friend sent me a message about flowers in grief and I agree with her thoughts on this. We all feel the need to send people flowers when we want to show we are thinking of them. Actually what we should consider is buying them a good bottle of wine or a packet of fags, a good point well made Jo. Today when I dropped off flowers to my friend who has sadly lost her child I did actually think I’d rather post a packet of fags through the door, at least she would enjoy them and it might just make her smile briefly through the grief. Sorry to any kids reading this as I shouldn’t promote smoking (that’s Health and Safety covered again). I also hate ‘With Sympathy’ cards too as they never contain the right words to express how much you wish you could take all their pain away for them. So I, like so many of us stare at the inside of these cards and just think, oh shit what the hell do I write to make them feel any better? Like most of us I rehearse what I’m going to write in my head and it sounds okay up there, but when it comes to actually writing it down I just go for short and sweet in the vain hope that the receiving person gets what we were trying to say. What I always want to write in these cards is ‘ain’t life just shit sometimes’ but I don’t.
So no pressure then in terms of this blog. I have to keep it real and up to date if I want to help others. So back to cancer it is. The chemo side effects are completely liveable with now and I’m used to them and the way they make me feel. Of the pages of side effects that are possible in the leaflets I have experienced a few of them and with just 3 days to go to finishing round one I’m upbeat and I know that I can cope. The side effect that I didn’t expect was weight gain, I’m putting on the pounds and I don’t know whether it’s the steroids or the large cartons of cranberry juice I’ve been drinking everyday, whoops! I looked at the calories today on the back of the carton and was horrified to discover that I was drinking half of my daily calorie allowance in cranberry juice and having normal food on top. When I told Steve he just laughed and said “have you not seen the amount of calories there are in beer? but it’s the juice that has to go, you have to get your priorities right in life and who wants to be fat and sober, not me!
The other sad thing today was buying a ‘Father’s Day’ card for my hubby. Anyone who has lost their dad will get this. Oh what I wouldn’t give to buy and give my dad a card on Sunday or just to have another 5 minutes with him. Life is bollocks! when I was 16 I thought I knew it all, When I was 18 I thought I knew it all, at 21 I thought I definitely know it all now, and so it went on as did the years. The truth is life teaches you some lessons too late. Loving people, showing and telling them how much they mean to you, or just taking time out of your busy life to spend time with those you love is so important. We all take it for granted that they will always be there, this is not a great plan. One day you will turn around and they will not be there and you mourn for all that lost time. I get jealous of people buying father’s day cards as I want to buy one too for my dad but he isn’t here to give it to. So I like many just let the day pass, celebrate with the dad’s we do know and remember our own with great love and affection.

Forgot to mention that following yesterday’s post you will know that I love the plaster on my neck as it shows the world I have a thing, something is wrong. The photo yesterday was taken for my mate Nicky as I was on the phone to her when Steve took it to show her my wonderful plaster. She said that it was one up from a plaster and could almost be called a dressing, I was happy with that 🙂 Steve took my dressing off tonight and the smallest mark possible greeted him, he burst out laughing at my wound 🙁 it was so small that I have to admit it wasn’t really noticeable at all 🙁 so I’m back to no dressing, no visible sign there’s something wrong and no sympathy 🙁 oh well at least you lot reading this know my pain and I thank you for that.