Last night I’m sat in my ‘chemo gazebo’ which Steve brought for me last week as I’m not allowed to sit in the sun, due to the drugs and being radioactive. My mom came and sat with me and said that she loved my blog BUT…”go on mom, just say what you want to as I welcome all feedback, I want to know if it’s any good or not”. She said that it was good but that nobody talks about the serious stuff, that we all skirt around it. That the laughter is fine but what about the real question, “what’s that then mom”? She said “Death! Its alright projecting the funny side that I see in cancer but if the blog is to be real then you have to talk about death”. Steve then joined us and we discussed it and I knew what I had to do. I will write about the two and you can decide which one you would rather read. So you can choose, or you can read both and then decide which one you prefer, so here goes.
I remember driving home from the meeting with Mr Mullerat when we found out that without chemo I only had a 25% chance of living past 5 years and that he had to leave cancerous lymph nodes in me as it couldn’t all be removed in surgery. Steve was driving and he said “I can’t possibly live without the love of my love, I have to go first” to which I replied “well you had better get I move on then as I haven’t got long” now that’s funny.
In the shower this morning I thought, I’m glad that I won’t lose my hair but I have to say I was looking forward to not having to get my legs and fanny waxed for a while and think of the money I’d save! and that made me laugh to myself!
I like saying to Leanne and Nicky “well at least I’ve still got my health hey” most people laugh at that one
I like the saying ‘if I wasn’t getting older I’d be dead’ now that’s both true and funny
Rebecca and I are due to go to a wedding this Saturday. I laughed when 2 months ago Rebecca said when talking about who she was going to go with “well we will have to see if mom makes it to June 20th” hilarious.
And there are probably many other moments that I’ll remember after I’ve posted this blog up but I hope you get my point. Cancer is serious but I just find it easier to find laughter in it, I’d rather that than cry.
I fear everything. I fear going through this six months for an extra 10 – 15% survival rate and it not working. I have thought about resigning from my job so my team, that mean so much to me can just get someone else and move on (tears in my eyes as I type those words). I have thought about suicide, why put everyone through this hell, why not end it all now if I’m not going to make it anyway? (don’t panic mom it was only a thought).
Steve and I have discussed the house, my jewellery but what would he do with anything else we haven’t discussed. Who would look after my mom if I died before her? What about my kids & Steve? who would cook for them, bring them together, help them sort out my stuff? What if Steve met someone else? would he always be in touch with my kids and mom or would he over time move on? How would Nicky cope without her best mate as I know stuff that only us girlies know, we talk, really talk and understand each other due to the years of sharing each others lives. What about Molly, she is only 3, I would never had agreed to having her had I’d have known I may not out live her, who will take her? (big tears in the eyes now after typing all of that).
Mom asked me last night what I thought about dying and I said that I didn’t fear dying but I did fear the way I check out. After seeing my dad slowly die over a short period of time with pancreatic cancer, I wouldn’t wish what we saw on my worst enemy. I don’t want Steve, mom or my kids to see any of that.
I fear getting ill at the moment due to being on chemo. I’m doing well but when I go out I see potential germs everywhere that could make me ill, where people touch things like door handles, cash machine pads etc, not everyone washes their hands you know. I would like to stay inside my home for 6 months where I’m safe and not leave it’s sanctuary, It takes courage to go out.
So you have both versions of my mad mind. The truth of it is that if you read by posts you will find elements of both sides of me in between the lines. I tend to flit from seeing a serious topic but writing about it with what I can find that’s funny within it. There is nothing funny about cancer and that reminds me, I have been overwhelmed again by my friends and family who have read my blog and then sent me private messages. Thank you all as it means so much to me to know that I have so many people who care about me and are thinking of me. Most people say that I am brave or inspirational. I’m neither of these things. I like everyone else with this shitty disease have no choice. I have to keep going, not because I’m strong or stronger than anyone else on this journey with me but because I have no choice (oh there’s always the suicide option I suppose – LOL only joking mom).