Mine's Broken

I’m very pleased with myself this morning cos I’ve discovered the meaning of life itself! What is it I hear you say, well I’m not going to just tell you, you have to go through the thought process first with me but I will say that it is only one word!

Throughout life, normally when we have time to reflect, which for me is only ever on a beach in the sunshine whilst taking a break from our fast busy lives, we ask ourselves this question, so what is it all about hey? What are we all doing here and what will it all matter anyway in 100 years when we are all dead?
So what was your answer? I could never find mine until this morning.
So if you were told one day that you only had 6 months to live, what would you do? So now your thinking of that ‘bucket list’ swimming with dolphins, climbing Mount Everest or maybe that dream holiday somewhere exotic? What makes you happy, really happy?
Steve and I could sell our house right now, pay off the mortgage and go around the world together, he would love this but I wouldn’t, why would this not make me happy? cos that’s not the meaning of my life!
Picture the scene – You hear that Putin is going to release nuclear weapons upon us and we all only have 10 minutes to live, how many of us would shout “Has anyone got a dolphin” no they wouldn’t.
So I’m in my garden this morning and it’s 7 am, I’ve been up an hour and I’m thankful I’ve survived another day on chemo and although I feel a little sick I haven’t been sick and I’m doing okay actually. I decide to water the grass as it looks dry and I’m thinking about life, what’s this all about? and that’s when it came to me. The meaning of life is one simple word, it’s small but means so much…. is it love I hear you say? no it isn’t actually it’s sharing.
Let me explain, we go through life together and share moments, share each other and it’s that that brings us true happiness. I love natural beauty and can sit at a local beauty spot and admire the view but it’s who you share that moment with that counts. As a woman you share your body for your children and as parents we share in their joys and hardships all their lives and it makes us happy. To be complete, to be whole we have to share moments with everyone and in this sharing precious memories, funny stories and sadness develop to enrich lives, not one single person can make you complete. So Steve and I could go around the world together and I’d be sharing it with my love and we would be happy but I wouldn’t be sharing it with my kids, my mom or my friends and therefore I wouldn’t truly be complete.
Grief is a terrible thing and having lost all of my family apart from my mom by the age of 30 including my beautiful sister I have realised that the thing I miss the most is sharing. I had a life with them and that ended years ago but the pain I hold is the pain of not sharing my life with them.
So there you have it! many have tried and failed to answer that question and that’s my answer to it. So share love, happiness and even sorrow as it makes us complete.
If my life like others is cut short through cancer I now know where I want to be and that’s sharing my moments good or bad with the people who make me complete and I won’t be swimming with any dolphins!

In my old pre cancer life I was always up first, same routine as everyone really, teeth, wee, feed cat, coffee and fag well only if you have a cat and smoke I suppose. This morning I woke and felt sick and empty, in the bathroom I brush my teeth with my new special needs chemo soft bristle brush and start to gag, I know that I mustn’t be sick and try to hold it together. Downstairs is a bag of drugs and anti sickness optional ones are on my mind as I hate being sick.
Downstairs the cat as ever wants her breakfast now normally the cat comes first and I look at her thinking oh my god I just can’t do this but I pull myself together and reach for the wet cat food. I now consider myself completely selfless cos I put the cat first, lucky cat hey. Tablets taken I then opt for my usual coffee and half a biscuit neither of which I can taste. It’s 6.45 and the house is quiet and I sit in my usual place in the kitchen hoping the sickness will go, which it did.
I check my phone as I always do, catching up on everyone’s life on Facebook either blessing the app for allowing me to peer into my friends and families little worlds or cursing the shit that people put on there. Richard had landed at 4.20 from Canada and it was a comfort to know he was back in England.
Rebecca, mom and Steve all woke and were I think happier that I had at least slept as the drugs you first get do mess up your sleeping pattern.
Steve and Rebecca go off to work I take my usual spot in the garden, I love being outside. Yesterday I had texted Karen to see how she was doing as she is one day ahead of me on the chemo but she hadn’t replied but then her text came in that she was back in hospital. OMG will her nightmare ever end, she has suffered so much and my heart breaks for her and her family. I reply to her text but what possible words of comfort can I give? What I don’t do is text to say ‘be strong’ or ‘stay positive’ cos like me she knows how when you hear those words you just want to punch someone!
I get to speak to my old boss, Chris and my good mate Steven and that’s it then I am asleep again and it’s 2 pm! Mary Poppins called in the afternoon (you know who you are) and she also cheered me up. I wasn’t going to post today as I felt flat but I have come to understand that this blog helps others to understand me and the journey I’m on as much as I am helping myself and I hope others in time.

Yesterday I posted my favourite things video and I want to share two more cancer chemo songs for you to listen too.
The first is Ed Sheeran with Bloodstream. I know he is talking about booze but you can also identify with the lines “I feel the chemicals burning my bloodstream, so tell me when it kicks in”
The next one is Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, now this song is a love song but instead of thinking about a man, think of the him as cancer. I would drive home from work prior to chemo with this on full blast as you can get really angry to it, fabulous!
Flying without wings is a beautiful song and I have often cried whilst driving home from work listening to it so I hope these songs touch you too.

So it’s 8th June 2015 and my boy has turned 21years old. He is stuck in Canada with the Army and so another year goes by without sharing his birthday together, it’s been like this since he was 15. No birthday cake, no phone call but thankfully for the internet I do send messages and finally get a reply.
It’s day 4 of Chemo and apart from slight side effects I’m doing okay. I can’t touch or drink anything that’s cold it has to be room temperature and Rebecca brought me two sets of gloves to wear to handle cold things from the now demon fridge, bless her.
The 12 tablets I take each day are administered by Steve the now drug lord of the house! Not sure which tablet it is but one of them makes your bum tingle like someone has put the sweets ‘Star Dust” up there, now you have to be a child from the eighties to get that joke. Itching is the only way and I broke my nail, no sympathy for that in this house.
I think my on hand nursing team are a little disappointed that the Chemo hasn’t made me feel more ill, not that they wanted me to be ill but the build up prior to taking these chemicals was unknown. In fact they have cured my constant running to the loo all day and at this rate I’ll be heading for the laxatives, oh my good my poor bum.

I really wanted to get as much history into this blog before it went public but my best mate Nicky decided she wanted to share it and so modern technology steps in again and the world of our friends and family start to read my ramblings. Within a few hours I was contacted by so many people with messages of support and love, I can’t thank you all enough. I cried at some of these messages and if I can just help one single person through this blog then I have won. You are not alone in your pain and sorrow for dreading losing your life when it’s under threat, it’s okay to be scared and angry, it’s just not the British way to admit all those emotions so instead when asked we say “I’m fine” and cry alone.

Up at 7.30, showered at 8, breakfast, dressed and ready to go……. but am I? I have considered not doing it, scared and don’t want to do it, all normal feelings to have but just because the feelings are normal it doesn’t make then easier to handle.

About 7.30 the messages started to pour in from friends and family, god I’m so blessed to have so much support, how can I not do it for them? Still no word from my son who is in Canada serving in the Army, on exercise and can’t get in touch 🙁

Hubby ready, bag packed with a book from my Aunty Shelia, my laptop and phone oh and a packet of crisps just in case I get the munchies.

Chemo is due to start at 9.30, hubby has to start work at 10, mom is on her way down from the Midlands and not due until midday and my daughter (who offered to come with me, bless her) has gone to work. I’m glad actually, sounds odd but somethings are better to face on your own or maybe that’s just me. I don’t want to make small talk, I don’t want pity and I really don’t want someone asking me if I feel okay every 5 minutes either so I tell hubby to drop me at the front doors and to go home. So sad watching him drive away, no turning back now for me, got to be brave and just bloody get on with it! still scared silly and want to run away though.

In the ward the nurses are lovely, welcoming and let me choose my seat as I’m the first one in. Window seat picked, I thought the view might help.

First the usual checking of date of birth, address etc then the cannula goes in. Then they flush the line through, next comes two steroid injections to help with sickness that make your bum itch for two minutes, lovely, flushed through again and then comes the nasty big bag of that make you ill chemo stuff, now I’m really scared, no turning back now 🙁 off it goes and actually I feel okay, I try to read the book but I can’t concentrate, I reply to friends texts, emails and facebook posts of support, their love and thoughtfulness helped a lot.

Then an amazing woman came and offered to give me a foot rub. She was in a highly paid job, gave it all up to study massage etc and then decided to volunteer to go into hospital to help cancer patients during their treatment. There are some truly wonderful people out there, her kindness was wonderful, it was lovely to talk to a stranger, no judgement, no background, no pretending to be brave and when she asked me how I was feeling emotionally I just cried cos I could, cos she didn’t know me, I didn’t have to be strong for her. I just wanted to cry and cry but the foot rub soon brought mind back from being selfish and a wimp and back to talking to this woman who was there to rub my worries away (if only they could be) bless her.

Chemo goes in through two hours, about half way though the pain started in my arm, had to ask for a heat pad as it was getting worse. By the end of the two hours I just wanted the cannula out of me, I could feel the chemicals burning my veins, another 12 minutes of flushing the line through and I was free, what a great feeling.

Back at home I can’t touch anything that’s cold as it feel freezing to me. Cold water from the tap feels like ice. Pins and needles through my arm and fingers and the pain continues in my arm but I don’t feel sick and I don’t have diarrhea! wow chemo cured that for a day LOL.

Tea was interesting, spaghetti bolognese but by then I was wearing gloves as I can’t hold a metal knife and fork. My family tried not to take the piss but it was funny sat there in 21 degrees of heat, wearing gloves and trying to eat with plastic cutlery.

Top tips: buy gloves, get good quality plastic cutlery and don’t cook spag boll on your first night LOL

So it’s the end of chemo day and I actually feel really good. Apart from the side effects listed I’m still alive, I got through it, I only cried once and all in all I feel happier today than the previous night. One treatment down, seven to go over the next 6 months.

 

 

 

Okay so you would think that getting over bowel surgery and being almost back to normal health apart from occasional pain oh and the endless diarrhea (more on that to come in other posts) that I would be happy, wanting to spend my last night being thankful I’ve got this far. Being romantic and even wanting to make love to hubby without a condom (as there’s no sex without them for 6 months) due to my fanny being radioactive, lovely hey!

Instead I feel scared, sad, emotional, down and a little childlike in that you want to sulk so that someone will say that it’s okay, that you don’t have to take the nasty medicine. I can’t imagine those drugs being pumped into my system which are going to make me ill.

Romance and sex were not on my mind at all – would I regret it, yes and my poor hubby who has put up with so much has yet again got to put his needs second to mine, poor thing. He went to bed and an hour later he is back up as he can’t sleep, he is only like that if we argue so I know he is worried.

What to do? If ever there was a day I wanted to get as drunk as I could it was this day. Chemo due to start at 9.30, could I turn up stinking of booze? oh the shame of that, so I decided on two glasses of red wine and two bottles of beer so that wasn’t too bad was it considering how drunk I felt like getting.

I wasn’t just worried for me, this week my bowel cancer friend (met in the hospital after surgery) started her chemo two days before me and she had reacted badly, my brother in law was going the have brain surgery in Australia to remove a cyst, a great friend of mine was having her results from a cyst which was removed two weeks ago and all in all everything felt shitty.

Eventually I went to bed only to wake with bad breath and my first thought was oh no my chemo day has come 🙁 so scared

On 4th June Steve and I had to attend another hosiptal appointment to go through the possible side effects of the chemo again. We were seen by a chemo nurse called Daisy. We were taken into a side room, the cancer unit is on the 5th floor of the hospital and the room had wonderful views over our town and we could almost see our house. It was a beautiful sunny day but it was all lost on me as the daunting prospect of chemo was drawing ever closer. I was just so aware of the hours ticking by until the nasty chemo drug would be pumping through me and I wanted to slow time down 🙁
Daisy was an Indian lady, very kind and had probably done the chemo speech countless times but her words were new to us so we listened carefully. Now being Indian her accent was strong and since that chat Steve and I have tried to mimic her voice but I don’t think I do it justice and I sound more Irish than Indian but it makes us laugh.
Okay so there seems to be one basic answer to every single side effect that you may have, try reading the following with an Indian accent.
If you get cold symptoms, you go A&E
If you have chest pain, you go A&E
if you are sick lots, you go A&E
If you have runs more than 10 times a day, you go A&E
If temperature goes above 37.5, you go A&E
So I think you get the basic idea as the list she goes through goes on and on with always the same advice, you go A&E. She only strayed from that advice twice and so for any mild symptoms it was “you call us and we tell you, you go A&E” and for out of hours help “you call the Oxford out of hours number, and they tell you, you go A&E”.

We were also told that parking was cheaper if you are on chemo, finally a perk! and it’s really 007 stuff too. When attending the ward you pay a reduced daily amount of £3 and in return you are issued with the secret password for that day, which as a one off special treat we were given it for that day. One other perk was that before each round of chemo starts you have to have your bloods taken at the hospital. I was issued with a special envelop for the next blood tests due prior to round two of chemo starting and it was a special colour. This meant that you just had to go straight to the reception desk and hand it in and I would be seen as a priority, no taking a number like your at the deli counter for me mate, this was like fast tracking rides at Thorpe Park.
We left with yet another leaflet on the possible side effects but instead of heading home we went into our local town to get pre chemo stuff.
Now on the pre chemo list was a soft toothbrush, pile cream (for sore bum) and condoms. We headed for Superdrug, the condom section was next to the pile cream so I’m obviously looking at pile cream and Steve is on condoms.
Steve and I had been together since October 2000 and in the early days yes we used condoms as it’s not only about preventing babies it’s about protection (that’s Health and Safety covered for any kids that maybe reading this). When Richard was old enough to be sexually active I remembered that we still had condoms left over from those early days of courtship so I decided that I’d give them to him. He took them and some hours later came downstairs and threw them at me and said that they were 7 years out of date, whoops. Good job he didn’t use them I thought and oh that reminds me I must also clear out my spice cupboard soon as there’s always scary out of date stuff in there too.

I selected the pile cream with ease as Nicky had said go for the analgesic kind to ‘numb your bum’ and poor Steve was still struggling with the condoms. “I can’t believe it” he said, back in my day there was only two choices and now there’s shelves upon shelves of choice. Which ones do we go for” he said and proceeded to go through the assortment of options. “do we want ribbed, extra sensitive, coloured, flavoured, extra large, extra extra large, latex free, Durex as a brand or Superdrugs own, which are cheaper? I didn’t know what to advise and so he opted for the Durex branded in extra, extra, extra large, in fact it said on the box ‘hung like a horse’ so at least the shop assistant would be impressed, LOL.
Back at the car park we entered the secret code for the day which was Pimms and headed home.
The next day after chemo I was issued with a big bag of drugs. The bag of drugs is always on the kitchen worktop next to the toaster (don’t ask) and in the bag is the condoms. I occasionally say “these condoms aren’t making their way upstairs are they” just to embarrass Steve in front of mom or Rebecca. He feels their presence everyday as he only brought a pack of 8 and chemo is for 6 months, how long will they last? is one of his worries and they taunt him daily.

On 30th May Aston Villa were in the FA cup final at Wembley! Steve and I had thought about going up to the Midlands on the next weekend but we weren’t sure because we were all waiting for the chemo start date. As soon as we knew Friday 5th June was Chemo start date we had to change our plans. So I phoned my mom to say we were coming to stay with her for a change. That sent her into a blind panic as she had to do the housework, buy food and get extra supplies of good coffee in for me as she knows me too well.
We had seen most of Steve’s family a few weeks ago when they came to visit us for Sunday lunch but I hadn’t seen my family. So we moved all plans forward by a week.
We travelled up on the Saturday morning. As soon as we hit the M40 the cars travelling down to Wembley had scarves flying out of their windows. I would have loved to have been able to buy Steve a ticket that day to see his team play again at Wembley in the FA Cup Final but tickets were £550 each on the black market and so I decided against remortgaging the house for one day at Wembley. I’m glad I didn’t as we lost anyway but that’s not the point, they could have won.
En route to Aunty Vera’s house we went to Villa Park to buy souvenirs of the day, a scarf to wear during the match and to hang out of the car if we win. All the coaches were lined up ready to set off for Wembley, fans and flags everywhere. It was a lovely sight to see as they like us still had hope that we might just win against Arsenal.
We watched the match at Aunty Vera’s house. Aunty Vera is a very special person and as we say in the Black Country “she’s the salt of the earth” Since Steve and I started dating she has never forgotten either mine or my children’s birthday’s and she always remembers Wedding anniversaries. She welcomed me and my kids into the family from the off. She is married to Uncle (bloody) Alan, who had bowel cancer 7 years ago and is doing really well. They have two grown up children, Paul and Alison. Cousin Alison joined us that afternoon as did Sarah, Steve’s sister. Aunty Vera put on a lovely spread and fussed over us all for hours, she loved it, as we did. Uncle (bloody) Alan is called that as every other word is ‘bloody’ and it’s not in a rude way, it’s just him and it’s funny. He makes us all laugh as he like us loves to see humour in life. Life just isn’t funny sometimes but special people always find something to laugh at, we all need an Uncle (bloody) Alan.
Here is an example of how lovely Aunty Vera is. A parcel arrived at home for me one day after the operation. Inside was about 5 presents all wrapped in Christmas paper, bless her. I had lots of Christmas presents and it was early May, it made me smile. One of my gifts was a magazine to read, now I don’t think she put much thought into what magazine she thought I would read. It was aimed at the more mature lady shall we say and adverts for women who had bladder problems was the theme throughout. Rebecca and I read it one day and laughed all the way through it, so it had done it’s job. The other clue as to her maybe quick a magazine is a great present to send was the all important main article of the magazine which this edition featured, you guessed it ‘Bowel Cancer’ the first sentence went something like ‘Bowel Cancer is the second biggest killer in England second only to Breast Cancer’ now that was it for me I really did laugh out loud, excellent Aunty Vera, just priceless and I never told her as I wouldn’t want her to ever be hurt or embarrassed, so why I’ve put it on here I don’t know, LOL.
We left Aunty Vera and Uncle (bloody) Alan’s house armed we yet another bag of goodies to keep me going through Chemo. I haven’t opened them as the plan is that when I have a bad day I go to the goodie bag to cheer myself up with a present from Aunty Vera who I just love to bits.
From their house we went to my Aunty Cynthia (my Dad’s sister) and Uncle Phil’s house. She didn’t know we were coming and was surprised completely to answer the door to me. We only stayed about an hour as the day had been a long one and they were Baggy fans and Villa had just lost in the FA Cup Final. I did get to see my cousin Susan and her family Si, William and Isabelle.
On Sunday morning my Aunty Shelia (my Dad’s other sister) came over to visit and she had brought me a bag full of goodies too, it’s not all bad this cancer stuff hey! It was so lovely to see her, love you Aunty Shelia. I went over the road to visit Nanny Jan (neighbour I have known since the age of 3 and good friend to my mom).
We then went and had a lovely Carvery meal with Iris (Steve’s mom) Sarah, Stuart, Chris, Lauren and my mom. Lauren brought me flowers and we all enjoyed chatting away and having a laugh together, precious times with special people in our lives.
There were so many people I could have seen whilst in the Midlands, old school friends and other friends from throughout the years but for me it was just about seeing family before chemo. Steve and I headed back to Wycombe that afternoon glad that we had decided to travel up and see them The only person that I didn’t see and really wanted to was my cousin Nicky but she was on holiday but I hope that we will see each other soon.

Due to the swollen lymph nodes in my neck I had to have another CT scan on 26th May. I was called two days before the appointment for the arrangements to be finalised. The lady said that I wouldn’t receive a letter as it was being done at short notice. She said the scan was booked for 5 pm and so no food 3 hours prior to that and I was to drink two pints of water two hours before. I wanted her to check that she had called the right person as I had had two CT scans previously and I had never been told starve three hours before and to drink water. She double checked and confirmed that yes that was the correct instructions and that the request was for a bigger area of my body.
On the 26th May I worked in the local store until 1.30pm, came home for 1.45 pm and had lunch with Rebecca. It was half term and as Rebecca works in a local school and she was off all week. She had agreed to come with me as Steve had to work and Mom was on holiday.
We ate lunch in the sunshine and I was soon fast asleep. At 2.45 pm Rebecca woke me as she was aware of the plan we had agreed which was lunch, walk Molly, start drinking water and then CT scan. Now it was all going wrong as falling asleep was not in that agreed plan. I quickly got sorted and we headed off to the park with Molly. It was now 3 pm and I should have been drinking water (which Rebecca had chilled for me overnight in the beer fridge) Molly has to have an hours exercise each day so that would mean that we wouldn’t be home until 4 pm and that was too late to start drinking water. Rebecca came up with the new plan which was for me to drop her off, return home, start drinking water and pick her back up at 4 pm. An excellent idea and I agreed however I would miss walking Molly.
I dropped Rebecca off and started my return journey. Then it started, the one minute warning! OMG all the weeks of worry about having an accident and thankfully I’d been okay but on that journey home that day I was panicking. I drove as fast as I could to get home, the cramps were awful and every traffic light seemed against me, I made it back home but cursed the decision to lock the front door and I made it to the loo just in time, thank god for my downstairs loo. Anyone who has had bowel surgery will feel my pain and panic here.
I picked Rebecca back up as planned, drank the amount of water required and headed off to the hospital.
I was back in the gown of shame and was called through to have my bloods taken. The nurse was lovely and was being very caring with me, introducing herself and explaining that she was good at taking bloods and that I was in safe hands. She asked if I was okay, not that she cared really but she was being polite. “well apart from having stage 3 cancer I’m fine” I replied. She just thought this was hilarious and said “it’s people like you that keep me doing this job. Seeing the funny side is the right mental outlook to have” I’m glad I made her laugh in her day.
I went through to the CT scan room where another nurse had to check that I was me and that I wasn’t pregnant. I’m not pregnant “but have you had sex since your last period?” yes but I know I’m not pregnant “are you taking precautions?” no but I’m not pregnant “so you’ve had unprotected sex in the last month?” yes but I’m not pregnant! “but you could be” now this was just getting silly, we had just returned from our holiday and yes we made up for lost time on the sexy stuff but she looked about 12 years old, far too young to be a qualified nurse and I knew I wasn’t pregnant. We were at a stalemate, she gave me that disapproving slut look as I stood there in my gown of shame and said she would have to discuss it with her colleague. She returned to say that I had to sign the consent form for sluts as they weren’t going to be held responsible for my wild ways.
The scan complete Rebecca and I returned home and the next day I came on!
On 4th June I was out walking Molly and I had the phone call regarding the results. They were not just concerned about the lymph nodes in my neck but I also apparently have a problem with the lymph nodes in my gut. I asked if it was cancer but they wouldn’t say either way and that I had to go into hospital on Monday 15th June for biopsies to be taken from my neck under a local anesthetic, oh the joy. I was trying to have this serious conversation whilst throwing a ball at the same time. I phoned Steve straight away whilst all the information was still fresh in my head and finished walking Molly. Mom was still on holiday and whilst we were in contact everyday I decided not to tell her as why spoil her holiday, it could wait until she returned and I would yet again have to break potentially bad news to my poor mom.

Nicky has been my best mate since I was 17 years old. She married Keith who has served in the RAF for 27 years and comes out next year, he has seen lots of active service and I’m proud of him and all who serve our country.
They have a daughter called Beth, who is my Goddaughter :-). Nicky is Godmother to both Richard and Rebecca.
We met in McDonalds whilst working there. She was washing up and I had to tip the ice cubes into her sink, which I did saying “well that broke the ice then” and we have been friends ever since.
Most friendships don’t last a life time but I’m glad ours has. Nicky has been there with my family through the darkest of times when others may have backed off as it was depressing sometimes being my friend.
When my sister died she was there for me, she lived in Peterborough and as soon as she heard she was there for us. Julie’s death was hard on everyone as she was only 25 and been married for 8 months. When people saw my mom and I out they would either stop and cry as soon as they saw us or walk in the other direction. I understand why people shied away from talking to us, they didn’t know what to say, what could anyone say but not my mate Nicky, she was just there for us.
When my Dad was ill and died she was not only there for me but for my mom. When I moved away from the Midlands if she was home visiting her family from wherever they were stationed she would always go and have a coffee with my mom to show she cared. Not forgetting her own grief in this as she loved my Dad, he was special to most people as he was funny and would always make a fuss over her “it’s Nic Nic” he would say to greet her and I can hear him saying it now.
I used to work every Saturday and she would help me, my mom and dad by looking after Richard and Rebecca. She loved them and enjoyed spending time with them but instead of doing other stuff with her family and friends she always was just there.
We have been on countless family holidays together as she, Keith and Beth are family. At my first wedding she was my chief bridesmaid. This should have been my sister of course but she wasn’t here anymore so I only had one bridesmaid and that was my best mate.
She was there the day I was told I had cancer as she had travelled to see me following that difficult conversation we had when I told her I wasn’t well. She texts me most days or calls a few times a week. If I need to talk I can and she listens to me.

Now I could tell you some tales of our wild days and our wicked past together. But I won’t do that to her. Maybe I should do some extra posts that contain some of these stories but for now Nicky our secrets are safe from the world wide web.

So we have seen or have planned to see family prior to chemo but I was delighted that Nicky, Keith and Beth were coming to stay with us for a weekend. They arrived on Saturday morning and I cooked Moroccan Lamb, we just enjoyed the day and evening together. Now at some point the men were in the front room and Nicky and I were in the kitchen. Oh I remember now! it was the weekend of the Eurovision Song Contest. Now Steve knows how much I enjoy talking to Nicky and he remained with Keith, watching the telly and talking to Keith about fishing. Now that’s real love right there as Steve knows nothing about fishing and wouldn’t choose to watch the Eurovision Song Contest either. Thanks Steve you’re a star.
Nicky said “I can’t imagine my life without my best mate” . So we sat and talked about it. I said that I would love her to have my eternity ring and Beth could have my Superdry hoodies as Rebecca wouldn’t want them. It was the first time that I really talked about not being around for her and everyone else 🙁

Thanks for a great weekend mate xx