Okay so you would think that getting over bowel surgery and being almost back to normal health apart from occasional pain oh and the endless diarrhea (more on that to come in other posts) that I would be happy, wanting to spend my last night being thankful I’ve got this far. Being romantic and even wanting to make love to hubby without a condom (as there’s no sex without them for 6 months) due to my fanny being radioactive, lovely hey!
Instead I feel scared, sad, emotional, down and a little childlike in that you want to sulk so that someone will say that it’s okay, that you don’t have to take the nasty medicine. I can’t imagine those drugs being pumped into my system which are going to make me ill.
Romance and sex were not on my mind at all – would I regret it, yes and my poor hubby who has put up with so much has yet again got to put his needs second to mine, poor thing. He went to bed and an hour later he is back up as he can’t sleep, he is only like that if we argue so I know he is worried.
What to do? If ever there was a day I wanted to get as drunk as I could it was this day. Chemo due to start at 9.30, could I turn up stinking of booze? oh the shame of that, so I decided on two glasses of red wine and two bottles of beer so that wasn’t too bad was it considering how drunk I felt like getting.
I wasn’t just worried for me, this week my bowel cancer friend (met in the hospital after surgery) started her chemo two days before me and she had reacted badly, my brother in law was going the have brain surgery in Australia to remove a cyst, a great friend of mine was having her results from a cyst which was removed two weeks ago and all in all everything felt shitty.
Eventually I went to bed only to wake with bad breath and my first thought was oh no my chemo day has come 🙁 so scared