Up at 7.30, showered at 8, breakfast, dressed and ready to go……. but am I? I have considered not doing it, scared and don’t want to do it, all normal feelings to have but just because the feelings are normal it doesn’t make then easier to handle.
About 7.30 the messages started to pour in from friends and family, god I’m so blessed to have so much support, how can I not do it for them? Still no word from my son who is in Canada serving in the Army, on exercise and can’t get in touch 🙁
Hubby ready, bag packed with a book from my Aunty Shelia, my laptop and phone oh and a packet of crisps just in case I get the munchies.
Chemo is due to start at 9.30, hubby has to start work at 10, mom is on her way down from the Midlands and not due until midday and my daughter (who offered to come with me, bless her) has gone to work. I’m glad actually, sounds odd but somethings are better to face on your own or maybe that’s just me. I don’t want to make small talk, I don’t want pity and I really don’t want someone asking me if I feel okay every 5 minutes either so I tell hubby to drop me at the front doors and to go home. So sad watching him drive away, no turning back now for me, got to be brave and just bloody get on with it! still scared silly and want to run away though.
In the ward the nurses are lovely, welcoming and let me choose my seat as I’m the first one in. Window seat picked, I thought the view might help.
First the usual checking of date of birth, address etc then the cannula goes in. Then they flush the line through, next comes two steroid injections to help with sickness that make your bum itch for two minutes, lovely, flushed through again and then comes the nasty big bag of that make you ill chemo stuff, now I’m really scared, no turning back now 🙁 off it goes and actually I feel okay, I try to read the book but I can’t concentrate, I reply to friends texts, emails and facebook posts of support, their love and thoughtfulness helped a lot.
Then an amazing woman came and offered to give me a foot rub. She was in a highly paid job, gave it all up to study massage etc and then decided to volunteer to go into hospital to help cancer patients during their treatment. There are some truly wonderful people out there, her kindness was wonderful, it was lovely to talk to a stranger, no judgement, no background, no pretending to be brave and when she asked me how I was feeling emotionally I just cried cos I could, cos she didn’t know me, I didn’t have to be strong for her. I just wanted to cry and cry but the foot rub soon brought mind back from being selfish and a wimp and back to talking to this woman who was there to rub my worries away (if only they could be) bless her.
Chemo goes in through two hours, about half way though the pain started in my arm, had to ask for a heat pad as it was getting worse. By the end of the two hours I just wanted the cannula out of me, I could feel the chemicals burning my veins, another 12 minutes of flushing the line through and I was free, what a great feeling.
Back at home I can’t touch anything that’s cold as it feel freezing to me. Cold water from the tap feels like ice. Pins and needles through my arm and fingers and the pain continues in my arm but I don’t feel sick and I don’t have diarrhea! wow chemo cured that for a day LOL.
Tea was interesting, spaghetti bolognese but by then I was wearing gloves as I can’t hold a metal knife and fork. My family tried not to take the piss but it was funny sat there in 21 degrees of heat, wearing gloves and trying to eat with plastic cutlery.
Top tips: buy gloves, get good quality plastic cutlery and don’t cook spag boll on your first night LOL
So it’s the end of chemo day and I actually feel really good. Apart from the side effects listed I’m still alive, I got through it, I only cried once and all in all I feel happier today than the previous night. One treatment down, seven to go over the next 6 months.