In my old pre cancer life I was always up first, same routine as everyone really, teeth, wee, feed cat, coffee and fag well only if you have a cat and smoke I suppose. This morning I woke and felt sick and empty, in the bathroom I brush my teeth with my new special needs chemo soft bristle brush and start to gag, I know that I mustn’t be sick and try to hold it together. Downstairs is a bag of drugs and anti sickness optional ones are on my mind as I hate being sick.
Downstairs the cat as ever wants her breakfast now normally the cat comes first and I look at her thinking oh my god I just can’t do this but I pull myself together and reach for the wet cat food. I now consider myself completely selfless cos I put the cat first, lucky cat hey. Tablets taken I then opt for my usual coffee and half a biscuit neither of which I can taste. It’s 6.45 and the house is quiet and I sit in my usual place in the kitchen hoping the sickness will go, which it did.
I check my phone as I always do, catching up on everyone’s life on Facebook either blessing the app for allowing me to peer into my friends and families little worlds or cursing the shit that people put on there. Richard had landed at 4.20 from Canada and it was a comfort to know he was back in England.
Rebecca, mom and Steve all woke and were I think happier that I had at least slept as the drugs you first get do mess up your sleeping pattern.
Steve and Rebecca go off to work I take my usual spot in the garden, I love being outside. Yesterday I had texted Karen to see how she was doing as she is one day ahead of me on the chemo but she hadn’t replied but then her text came in that she was back in hospital. OMG will her nightmare ever end, she has suffered so much and my heart breaks for her and her family. I reply to her text but what possible words of comfort can I give? What I don’t do is text to say ‘be strong’ or ‘stay positive’ cos like me she knows how when you hear those words you just want to punch someone!
I get to speak to my old boss, Chris and my good mate Steven and that’s it then I am asleep again and it’s 2 pm! Mary Poppins called in the afternoon (you know who you are) and she also cheered me up. I wasn’t going to post today as I felt flat but I have come to understand that this blog helps others to understand me and the journey I’m on as much as I am helping myself and I hope others in time.
Yesterday I posted my favourite things video and I want to share two more cancer chemo songs for you to listen too.
The first is Ed Sheeran with Bloodstream. I know he is talking about booze but you can also identify with the lines “I feel the chemicals burning my bloodstream, so tell me when it kicks in”
The next one is Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, now this song is a love song but instead of thinking about a man, think of the him as cancer. I would drive home from work prior to chemo with this on full blast as you can get really angry to it, fabulous!
Flying without wings is a beautiful song and I have often cried whilst driving home from work listening to it so I hope these songs touch you too.
