Month: August 2015

What the hell happened, where did life go, where did I go? I’ll try to explain what I’m waffling on about. Yesterday I was so tired and low due to chemo and the CT scan I was determined to enjoy my evening, pull myself together and be brave, ‘man up’ as I would say to Richard. We eat dinner, a lovely roast chicken which I could almost taste and then after chemo tablets for pudding, yum again I suggested Steve and me take Molly out just the two of us as I really haven’t been myself lately and I know Steve misses me. Off to ‘Moo Moo Land’ we head dropping Rebecca off in town as she is going to see a film. At the park I’m just crap, walking slowly, can’t talk, out of breath and so tired.

I want to just sit and cry, I want this all to be over, I’m just not living and I’m so sick of feeling so down and exhausted. I remind Steve that if I were an animal I would just be put down and I start to envy the world of our pets where we decide how much suffering they can endure. Steve knows I’m really struggling and we head off back home, I’m tired and in pain with my groin tumour, dragging myself along the best way I can even though I’ve had painkillers it’s still so hard to walk. It’s the start of curfew time so as playing games or using my brain in any way is out of the question we decide to watch TV. Texts from Karen come in as she is also not well and I answer her texts even though it’s curfew time, she is my chemo bud after all. Plus I get a text from BFF saying she wants to pop in to cheer me up. I just want to cry and hide, I don’t want people to see me like I am. I reply that I’ll just cry if I see her and she replies that she’ll cry with me, now there’s a true mate hey, bless her.

I stop texting as it’s curfew time. Steve, mom and I have a brief chat about chemo where I said that if we find out chemo isn’t working on 21st then I’m turning my levels down as I have been trying to be strong but this shit I take is just awful and I’m not living for 2 weeks out of 3. Mom looks worried today, she has been for days I can see the worry and pity in her face. The endless not knowing how to make any of this easier or better, isn’t that what us mom’s do? We make everything better. Mom goes to bed, to read or just to be alone as seeing me in this state is not easy for any of them. So it’s around 9.30 and Steve and I remain together alone as Rebecca has gone to the pictures. Lights out and the next thing I know it’s 1.30 and I’m all alone again in the front room. I’ve slept a none chemo sleep after only about 30 minutes of being out of the house with Molly.

Did you watch the programme recently called ‘The C Word?’ If you haven’t you must. It was on BBC1 about the journey of Lisa and breast cancer. I watched it and was always struck by the fatigue that she went through with chemo as I remember at the time thinking how hard can fatigue be? If you’re tired you just rest, simple hey? OMG it’s not simple at all, it’s a living nightmare of feeling the lowest ever possible. No energy at all to walk, talk, laugh you just have to focus on basic functions like breathing, moving, walking it’s not even possible to describe how lonely and sad this all makes me feel. Where have I gone to? Will I ever come back to life? Will I ever run into the sea, swim, run my fingers through warm sand listening to the sound of the waves gently lapping at the shore? Will I ever enjoy a meal in the warmth of the evening with cold beer, music playing in the background and just enjoy the company of loved ones? I am thinking of our last holiday I think, a precious week together before chemo started, when I felt okayish.

So I wake up alone, omg Steve must have gone to bed feeling so alone too and worried sick again, as would mom and goodness knows what Rebecca must have thought when she returned from her night out. At the end of curfew time I always catch up with comments on my blog, texts, emails, private messages and of course thanking you lot for sharing my daily ramblings. I hadn’t done this today and I feel so sad that I let you all down.

I log onto my blog and see Rita, Beverley, Gayle and Carolines’ comments which I hadn’t replied to. They say lovely words of encouragement and I feel a total fraud. Alone, sad, not inspirational at all and definitely not brave or any of the other lovely things people say to me. I reply to the comments thanking them for their support and love as it means so much to me everyday but I just want to cry, to make this shit all go away. I want it over with, I want my life back. What the hell happened to me. How did I get to this place in just 7 months?

Anyway it’s now 2.30 am and  putting all that down for you has helped, plus two coffee’s and two fags. I try to keep the blog real but as upbeat as possible but it’s so hard sometimes. Last week I was in a pub with Leanne and her friends having a blast following my day out at head office feeling as fine as I can be on painkillers to see me through the day and I just have to focus on the fact that I will come back to life again, just a few more days and it will start to feel easier.

At around 3.30 am mom get’s up, worried about me. I tell her to go back to bed and sleep, I don’t like to see her worry. She gives me a hug, she must be worried as my mom doesn’t do affection, bless her. I say I’m going to have a hot chocolate and then come to bed. Alone again I get a message from Jane, an old school friend, this makes me smile. Why on earth was she up at this late hour and sending me a link to a song we used to sing too? Thank you Jane as I did smile at that, I told her to go back to bed too.

Then the cramps and the runs started, great I thought. Around 4  am I decided I have to go to bed. Upstairs trying not to wake anyone I brush my teeth, I have to hold onto the walls for the gagging starts and the need to be sick. I make it into bed and prop my head up high hoping that the sickness may fade. I lie there listening to Steve sleep soundly and envy him and everyone else. At just 17 minutes I can’t cope anymore with the cramps and as I don’t want to wake mom up again I head for the downstairs loo, oh my poor bum.

I grab my quilt and pillow and try to rest on the sofa in the kitchen, I awake again and it’s 5.30, I made it through the night. I’m so pleased that it’s daylight and another day has come. I think that a coffee, 1/2 a biscuit and a fag will help but it doesn’t and this brings on heartburn. My back is in two with pain and so is my groin tumour but I’m not taking painkillers and I opt for the hot water bottle that Linda brought me from work, just 7 months ago to help ease what I thought was wind. I am in the chemo gazebo now and whilst writing this I feel so guilty as I should be strong, I should want to keep going but this is so hard. And then I receive this lovely message….

Away in Cornwall at mo – signal not brill so not catching the blog as often as normal – but still ace so moving and well written, read it early this morning on the beach and threw a lovely smooth pebble in with your name on – to happiness and fun times way my whisper as the tide that keeps going wrapped its arms around it gently – ps not only am I having my curfew time with my family I’m also enjoying the local rattler have a good day Wendy and speak soon xxx

I’m so glad so many of you are embracing curfew time and this I think says it all.

Steve checks my blog in the afternoon as one of my editors and he assures me that I will be myself again soon. I just cry, well try not to as now my face is in pain, crying and chemo doesn’t work either. I know I will get better soon but I’m trapped inside this body and mind and I can’t seem to reach out to anyone.

Yesterday I received a lovely letter and gifts from another old boss of mine, Dorothy Goswell. We worked together for years in Debenhams in ‘Merry Hell’. Now there’s a lady who could teach us all a thing or two about service. Very fond memories indeed but my thoughts are about an old customer of ours at that time, man called Norman. He came into our restaurant at least once if not twice a day. He always brought us gifts and we had become a second family to him. He used to take Richard and Rebecca to Santas Grotto every year with me. He always had a ‘Full English Breakfast’ as during the war he flew daily not knowing if he would return. The stories he told us were fascinating and I think of how brave our men and women have to be in war. I’m at war with my cancer and I’ve held on to his memory throughout today as he like others had to be so much braver than we will ever know. So I’ll just have to ‘man up’ as I only have to take pills and rest.

Thank you finally for everyone who also sent in donations after we went above the £1000. I hope to have your surprise ready for the weekend as Emma and my BHS Family are trying to help me as much as they can. I just want to make people smile through this shit and it will be here soon, pinky promise 🙂 xx

I was so glad that Sarah shared the pain of her illness with us all yesterday. For her, for you and for me as I’ve been a bit rubbish lately. Cycle 4 has been so much better than I imagined it would be but it’s still so hard to bear. The build up of poison in my body is affecting my ability to do most things due to my lack of energy. I move and walk so slowly that it’s awful for my loved ones to see me like this everyday. I have no taste at all and this really gets me down as nothing tastes like it should, chemo mouth isn’t pleasant. Steve, mom and Rebecca all try bless them to help but nothing can.

After a short trip into town yesterday, I was fit for nothing and Rebecca had to take Molly out for her afternoon walk for me in the rain whilst I slept exhausted again. But I have to have my weekly figures to peer into my BHS Kingston store and to see how, as a business, we are performing. I shared a lovely coffee break with Mary, in fact she took me out for coffee, thank you Wayne for letting her. She treated me, my mom, Rebecca and Josh to drinks and sandwiches, bless her. I didn’t eat as it’s all lost on me for a few days but I did have a mini Bakewell tart :-). Tom, Mary’s son has added me as a friend on Facebook, how cool is that? Check me out getting down with the kids hey LOL!

I keep talking to you all about curfew time in our house but it really has been one of the best things to come out of this journey. Family time where all of the world is shut out for two hours and we just have us time. Now yesterday I suggested that Steve and I take Molly out first just the two of us, as after my trip into High Wycombe store today I hadn’t been much fun.

Anyway Steve and I walk and talk, I can see how this cycle is getting him and everyone else down. I’m so sick of feeling ill and I have my CT scan tomorrow to see if the chemo is working. I am worried about the meeting on 21st August for the following reasons:

1. The tumour in my leg and groin have grown in the past weeks so I assume the other tumours have too, this would not be good
2. We are not used to good news in this house and therefore I worry that the cancer has gone into vital organs and if this is the case it’s not good news and we are going away for some happy family time for 5 days the day after the appointment and I don’t want anything to spoil our planned short break of ‘picking daises’
3. If the tumours are the same size, even slightly smaller and they are not growing into vital organs, this is the best news possible but if this isn’t the case how do I or anyone else get mentally prepared to have the next cycle of shit pumped into you again if it’s not working? Will I have to change chemo? Will I have to have more operations? Oh no I’m scared now as sometimes blind faith and not knowing, living in hope is better than actually knowing the truth but as ever cancer takes what it will take and we just have to cope with it.

Anyway back to curfew time and Richard posted an interesting piece on his Facebook the other day which I actually agree with and I wish that all households would have curfew time, time to enjoy just the people we love and not stare at a phone, laptop, computer, hide away in bedrooms or watch TV. Anyway here is that piece for you to contemplate:

ARE YOU CHEATING ?
It’s 5:30 am, and your alarm goes off. You open your eyes, and your mind starts racing. Meetings, conference calls and project deadlines all loom.
Why is there always so much to do and never enough time to get it done?
You grab your phone and scroll through your notifications as you walk into the shower, half awake.
Knowing she’s not up, you send her a text message: “Good morning, baby. I hope you have a wonderful day.”
This text serves as two reminders: You want her to know she’s the first thing on your mind. And, more importantly, she needs to realize that, regardless of how stressful or busy your days are, she’s the priority.
It sounds so perfect, but that’s not reality.
Instead, you’ll log into Instagram or Facebook, nosing into everyone else’s life, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll send that text to your woman on the way to work.
Relationships these days lack direction. People “date,” but what the hell does that even mean anymore? Is it hanging out twice a month? Texting all day? Kissing here and there?
Something is missing. What’s causing relationships to falter at the rate they are?
Relationships thrive on communication. Our most intimate emotions are reserved for the person we love, so how is it acceptable to never show them?
We’ve accepted so many unacceptable things: sitting at the dinner table with our phones out, arguing over text, publishing every minute of our lives on social media.
Do you know what trumps all that? That society has accepted relationships in which we are being cheated on every day.
When you think of cheating in the traditional sense, having sex with another person comes to mind.
It’s an intimate situation in which the person you love is connecting with another while you are going about your life, loving and caring for said person.
Once you find out, all trust is lost. But think about the concept for a minute.
Webster’s Dictionary defines cheating as the deprivation of “something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud.”
Sure, sex is cheating and may be the most hurtful case, but have you ever stopped to think you’re being cheated out of your relationship every day?
We experience a lack of communication, attention, passion, intimacy and even lack of love. Why are we okay with this and all the communication shortcuts that have become so common?
This type of cheating causes much more damage than that of any sexual affair.
You’ve given your heart to someone and love him or her with every bone in your body, but you have to beg for his or her attention.
You sit back and watch this person post status updates about useless things, or post pictures just so people can comment.
You need to take a minute to tell her she’s beautiful. Call her after work to say, “Get dressed in 30 minutes. I’m picking you up and taking you somewhere special.”
Make an effort. Old-fashioned love needs to make another round.
The days of holding hands, opening the car door, taking her out “just because,” sending her flowers just to get a smile and leaving her notes on her car should never be gone.
We have to be children when it comes to love.
We have to be vulnerable and free. That can’t happen when we’re preoccupied with the details of everyone else’s lives.
Focus on each other. When it’s all said and done, that’s all you really have.
Appreciate her, and show her how much she means to you. But, most importantly, put your phone down, and dial into what’s in front of you.

Now I think that’s lovely and as our kids grew up we insisted no mobiles at the table during dinner as this was family time but it was met with tuts and hidden phones under the table on silent! But I hope you get the point of seeing the love in front of you.

Anyway back to the walk last night and I can’t walk for long due to my groin tumour and the pain. The right hand side is numb like I’ve been to the dentist and it makes me walk dragging my leg with the pain. I’m so sick of being ill. I think of things I want to get done but my energy levels just keep failing me. I try so hard to keep up with my project work but concentration lacks after about 30 – 40 minutes and I don’t want to make mistakes so I have to keep picking it up and then leaving it, then with chemo brain I struggle with where I left off. Omg what happened to the woman I was, where has she gone and will she ever return? Conversations are hard as I forget what I’m saying, I then get angry with myself and frustrated. It’s only due to the drugs so I know that today as my tablets reduce and the poison levels reduce things will slowly get better, I hope 🙂

CT scan is at 1.30 pm when I’ll don the ‘gown of shame’ and have to answer the shameful questions of “have you had unprotected sex since your last period” and so I think I’ll just tell them about 50 shades of chemo and just tell her we haven’t got to the sex bit yet LOL.

So I’m back from the CT scan full of radioactive shit and Ribena as Steve made me drink one litre before I went and two cups of water when we arrived. My stomach looks like a bouncy castle again and even my mom can’t believe the size of it. In the waiting room there was a man opposite me in his ‘gown of shame’ I did try to tell him that I thought he had the wrong size gown as I think it’s a child’s one. He sits opposite with his legs open, as men do and I have a lovely view of his blue pants! Thank God for pants hey. The lady who did my CT scan was so lovely and had a real calming voice. I had to sign the ‘slut form of shame’  to say I wasn’t pregnant, she knew my cancer was stage 4 and told me that the results had been requested urgently for the MDT (multi disciplinary team) meeting on 14th August, when a team of almost strangers will pore over my results and decide my fate. We however have to wait for 21st August to hear the outcome of tumour sizes, and next steps on this shit journey that so many are sadly on with me. I am hoping after a sleep that I can enjoy curfew time tonight and not be this slow, sleepy, disabled shell of the woman I have become lately, for my loved ones, for me and for my sanity.

Okay so back to you guys and please try curfew time and treat yourselves. I know Rita has a Nana day today so she will be picking daises 🙂 precious times, moments shared but never forgotten. She sent me this this lovely picture earlier today.

Then later to cheer me up Rita sent me this picture to remind me of our lovely Mr Grump Bum himself, a bit rude but it made me laugh 🙂

And after a very flat day and my CT scan I woke up to the 3rd message from Rita today to say we had made target and was at £1050. I just can’t thank you all enough. I’m feeling so proud and loved by the comments you sent to me and the donations will help this great charity. Thank you sometimes just isn’t enough but I do really appreciate your support through your donations and this journey.

Feeling proud and loved, catch you all tomorrow xx

So I set out to help others and I feel like I’m getting there from the comments both privately and publicly. I wanted to help people with cancer however the blog has also featured many other issues such as disease, long term illness, grief and depression. Not very cheery subjects I know but we all suffer from them, choose how we react to the experience and then grow or not from what life throws at us. Another good saying is “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” I wanted to share some of those comments with you all as they are special to me but I won’t use names to protect the innocent. This blog was never intended to embarrass anyone apart from me and my journey through this shit.

When I say that I won’t name anyone, that is apart from my sister in law Sarah who has written a piece for my blog about her long term illness and how she has found inner peace too. But before I share that one I want to share a private message she sent to me on 8th July that really made me cry…..

Hi Wendy. Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I have feared this news since you told me it was in your lymph nodes in your neck. I feel utterly useless and at a loss for words. I have come out of the house to ring you but I feel in too much of a daze to call. I am devastated at the unfairness of life for choosing you. You don’t deserve this and I know for Steve when he married you it was definitely his happy ending. Tell Steve that I am here if he needs to talk and pls share this with him. I am so sorry for what you are all going through and if I can help in any way pls say. Sending you my love and Wendy I hope you find the courage when it’s most needed and have the time to really enjoy being with your family and creating the special memories that will carry them through their darkest times. Pls know you have many people who care about you and that you are not just a bowel cancer sufferer.but you are our amazing and inspiring cancer heroine xxxxx

Here is Sarah’s story regarding her illness, she has chosen not to be a victim too…..

When I got sick I wasn’t someone who thought ‘why me’ but ,’why not me’. I guess I accepted that as you get older like a car things are bound to go wrong and it’s one if those things. I was unfortunate that my equipment was somehow faulty. However I can remember the dark times when I had no diagnosis and I feared what the truth might be. Unable to walk properly and exhausted constantly I felt the frustration of a useless body and saw people twice my age with more energy and movement.

Having been through a very dark period in my life I accept certain things now. I was definitely on a hamster wheel and did not stop to appreciate I needed moments to pause. Having M.E. was in some respects cruel for someone like me who was constantly busy. It forced me to stop and take stock and to breathe. But it has also been very liberating and life changing. I was in a unique position that I had lots of time to stop and look and reflect. It allowed me to train as a counsellor – something I had wanted to do for a long time and something positive came from a negative. I am happier and more at peace with who I am and get such satisfaction from volunteering as a bereavement counsellor. I volunteer in memory of my Dad and again I use what I learned from a very tragic time to help others but the rewards it brings me are endless.

It’s hard for people to fully appreciate an experience until you have been there yourself or how it impacts on your loved ones. I think it’s harder for them. However reading your blog I see something of my own journey. The constant pain and exhaustion. Feeling 80. Not being able to walk properly. The frustration of looking well but feeling awful and the frustration of being in your forties and your body letting you down when your head is full of dreams and plans yet unfulfilled.

Your blog helps me daily with my own journey. It helps me understand chemotherapy and cancer better which helps me as a counsellor enormously. I worry that my body will let me down when I go back to work and have lots of ‘what ifs’ to contend with. What if I take on too much and resume my position in that hamster wheel. What if going back to work is a wrong decision for my health. But also your experience has taught me to pick daisies and appreciate that my health right now is OK and to take every opportunity to live for now. Who knows what is to come. I hope resuming work and my voluntary work doing the bereavement counselling will inspire Cerys (my daughter) to learn that you can still achieve even when it seems impossible. You achieve so much through your blog.

Your blog reminded me of a poem by William Henry Davies called, ‘Leisure.’ It’s starts ,’what is this life if full of care’ and the words are powerful.

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

It’s hard to stop sometimes and just look around us to appreciate our amazing world. It’s sad sometimes that it isn’t until we are ill that we really see what we take for granted and is around us.

I have given a lot of thought to starting a blog. It doesn’t feel the right time just now for me as I am trying to look forward and not make my health a focus. I know it will always be a part of who I am but the mind is powerful and I don’t want doubts creeping in about this new job. I have to believe my health will hold up if that makes sense. What I am going to do is to write some poetry. Revisiting the poem above has reminded me of how much poetry can express our experiences and touch other people. It is something I can do without the commitment of a blog with my new challenges which lies ahead.

I can’t explain why you are having to go through this cruel, debilitating illness but never underestimate the positives that can come out from a negative and how you are helping me in my life. We may have different illnesses but I feel connected to you in some way and I can’t explain it but I felt I wanted to share this with you

Sarah xxxx

Someone else who contacted me who doesn’t want to be a victim of life’s experiences and looks at the positives………

I thought I’d let you know I think of you often. How you helped me when my sister was sick. It’s funny how someone (like yourself) can be in your life for such a small space of time but have such a positive effect. Almost like it was a meeting of fate!
I remember how fondly you would speak to me about your sister and dad, and how you could talk so openly about the trauma of their passing.

I can honestly say you taught me how to learn to cope with the shit that life hands out to us, and instead of trying to make sense of it or wallow in self pity, you helped teach me how to be at peace with it.
I have no doubt that I will think of our conversations for the rest of my life!!!

I wish you all the health I possibly can!
I will continue to read your blog, as reminder that life is so much more important than menial day to day ‘problems’! Ha

All the love in the world courageous lady

This next private message was sent to me from a member of staff from my BHS Kingston family. I have had to cut bit’s out to protect the innocent but it’s one of the many messages that I have received that made me both smile and cry……

Hi Wend! My god I feel this might be a long and difficult one but have been wanting to message for a while. Finding the right words to say at this time is so difficult and when I say there’s been a good couple days this week where I’ve said things over and over in my head as to what to message I just haven’t brought myself to do it! you know me!

I know you have the most amazing support and lovely family around you but I have to be honest your whole journey so far is always in the back of my mind. (Maybe where it’s been so close to home last few months) not sure really. I genuinely do feel so sad for you and so proud at the same time. I know you like people to be honest and say it how it is which we all know you very well for 😊

Been reading your blog when I can and catching up every couple days if I miss one, all I can say is you really are amazing Wendy and if anyone knows a bad day in this horrible illness it’s me as I’ve witnessed it first hand, you do have them but seem to take the good with the bad and still cracking a joke here and there and I just think you’re brilliant for it! Bet your thinking what do you expect Lol I can’t let this horrible thing take everything from me, of course you still wanna have the good times its just so amazing to see someone going through such a horrible time still managing to smile and get through.

This message was more to remind you just how much you are still thought about, missed every day and that we haven’t and won’t be forgetting about you. I know by reading your blogs how sad it makes you being away from us all and I don’t want to make you upset but if anything a little bit of a smile. It’s only when things change we’ve all started to be like Nooo Wendy wouldn’t have that or no that’s not what Wendy would do! I’m only assuming but the fact you can’t be with us and its out of your hands must be hard for you and just want you to know nobody is quite like you as our boss and don’t think there will be. I mean who’s boss can slut drop and say ‘ohmydays” and it still make us all laugh and can get away with it lol! Anyway wend we all hope to be getting you back no matter how long it takes 😊

Keep going, everybody is behind you and sending their love.
Miss ya lots xxxx

I’m sorry if this has been a long post as I don’t want to bore you all but I wanted to express how life experiences bond us together. It’s how we choose to react to them that is important. You can be sad, that’s fine and you can do self pity, if that’s what you need to do but don’t dwell and wallow there for long. Don’t be a victim and look at the beauty of love and loved ones that you have in your lives, appreciate all you see.

There is some fun stuff coming soon to lift your spirits as I have been working on a secret project to make you all smile, I hope, and I will be revealing this as soon as I can.

Now I’m not a fan of the Tory rag ‘The Daily Hate’ (Daily Mail) and my blog should not be political however my mom reads the daily hate and although their headlines normally drive me mad, my mom pointed out a good article that she read the other day regarding Government cuts to cancer drugs but before I share this with you all I want to talk about what I believe.

So since Friday I launched the ‘Just Giving’ donate page and I’m continually touched and surprised by your generosity. I sent a thank you text to Mary Poppins thanking her for her support and she replied “I just hope it will save another person/family going through what you and your family are going through” I read the text with a heavy heart as hard earned money from her was given like the rest of you in the hope that it helps others, but will it? I stared at her text for a while and replied that until we as a country start screening for bowel cancer early that all money raised will do will help the charity to raise awareness, to produce wonderful literature that’s informative, to provide online help with qualified nurses and so much more, but will it stop the next person getting bowel cancer, no it won’t.’ Why?’ You ask, as I have to myself. The answer is simple, that unless we start screening early it’s like ‘shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted’.

If bowel cancer is the second biggest killer of all the cancers in England why don’t we screen for it early?  We do for breast cancer and if you are a lady you receive a smear test from the age of 24 so why not screen for bowel cancer? If you just take my case as an example, how much money did it cost our beloved NHS to diagnose me? Ultrasound scans, CT scans and various other tests, then how much would my operation have cost and the 4 days spent in hospital? I know the chemo I am on for 6 months is £35,000 and that treatment may not be just over a 6 month period and may cost much more. More CT scans to come, Doctors time, Surgeons time and Oncologists time following more tests and results? I dread to think compared to a simple poo test taken to your local GP’s for testing or a colonoscopy from say the age of 40? If detected early enough bowel cancer has a high success rate but in younger people it’s more aggressive and sadly deadly. Whilst out with Leanne and her friends last week Kate said “why don’t we all get an annual CT scan to show any problems we may have”? A simple good point well made but the truth of it is that all tests that involve radioactive materials are cancer causing and therefore would be putting everyone at risk of developing cancer so that’s not a simple solution.

Back to Government funding and I will refer you to an article from the BBC so that you have the true facts and not just my view or the daily hates:

Twenty-five different cancer treatments will no longer be funded by the NHS in England, health chiefs have announced.

NHS England announced the cuts after it emerged the £280m Cancer Drugs Fund – for drugs not routinely available – was to go £100m over budget in 2014/15. Some drugs will be removed and others restricted – a move charities say could leave some without crucial treatments. But a Department of Health spokesman said it will allow “new and better drugs” to be offered to patients.

Cancer patients currently receiving the treatments will still be allowed to continue using them. The restrictions come into place from 12 March and affect a whole range of treatments for breast, pancreatic and bowel cancer.

The most commonly used treatment on the list is Avastin for advanced bowel cancer. The Rarer Cancers Foundation, which is sponsored by drug companies, estimates the step will result in more than 7,700 patients losing out.

So a bit dry for a Sunday granted but the bits that I took from it were, if last year we spent £280 million but overspent by £100 million (actual cost being £380 million) then giving funding this year, whilst it is an increase to £340 million this year is still meaning the department will still overspend unless it cuts costs and has no money to explore new treatments coming available. Mark Flannegan from the ‘Beating Bowel Cancer charity is working with Government to bring awareness to the debate and I’m proud that the money we are raising together will continue to pay for him to influence Government policy decisions and fight for us but surely the cost of early screening would save a massive amount of money? Or is this just me over simplifying it?

I wanted you to know what the money you have donated so far will provide for this outstanding charity and the work that they do, so here is the breakdown for you and a massive thank you again for all your donations. In two days I am 84% to total with £849 raised. You lot truly are amazing.

One of the problems with bowel cancer is the lack of symptoms in the early stages or our reluctance to go and speak about poo. Mr Muscles when I met him last week asked about what early symptoms I had. About a year before the pain started in January 2015 I remember two occasions within weeks of each other both virtually the same and was this the early stages, probably, should I have gone to the doctors, probably but we don’t like to make a fuss do we and we don’t like to talk about bowels either, so I didn’t seek help, so the details are as follows, if it helps anyone else out there it will have been worth sharing:

I woke as normal, cleaned my teeth, fed the cat and Molly, made myself a coffee, got my half a biscuit and then had a fag in the precious few minutes I had each day before going into work to log onto Facebook to just catch up what was going on in your lives. All of a sudden I had shooting pains up my bum like someone had rammed a spear up there and was turning it around. In childbirth you have to focus on getting through the pain and breath through it, it was like that. I felt faint and remember crawling to the back door to get air and cool down. I was unable to talk and sent a quick text to Mary Poppins and Emma to say I was in pain and I’d be a little late into work. After a few hours and with the help of  pain killers the pain faded and disappeared and I then went into work as normal. Two instances of bowel pain within a few weeks of each other, the same out of the blue pain in terms of length of pain and the pain itself. Mary Poppins, Emma and I have often wondered if this was that the start as it was very unlike me to be late for work, well apart from the normal shit traffic jams, but if this was the start could I have avoided all of this pain and suffering now? Maybe but I only told them and Steve and as it didn’t happen again I just thought it was one of those things and cracked on with life.

Right and now for something a bit lighter 🙂 I’m always up first followed by my mom if she is down with us. This morning my mom said “who’s Rita” good point I thought as she is mentioned through the blog and MT Quin and has taken on the almost saint like role of praying for me and all my other prayer demands for loved ones but I haven’t ever really explained who she is, my mom thought that Rita was someone who had worked for me in the past. Rita when I first met her was like me a store manager in the Brighton store, a big store and we hit it off from day one, she has a great sense of fun with a motherly balance of not going too far and then she laughs at me and my BFF at our adventures. I was her Trendy Wendy and she was my Reet Petite the finest girl you ever wanna meet and I always sing this to her when we meet up. She worked in Head Office too for a few years in Mr Moore’s department and wanting to spend more time with her family and loved ones, she has returned to the life of a store manager in Chichester. We have shared a room at work conferences so you can say ‘I’ve slept with her’ and she teases me about my snoring lol. She has a heart of gold, she worries and truly cares, a proper real life gem, my angel and our Mother Theresa. So I hope this clears that one up for you all and has allowed me to end on a lighter note to an otherwise quite a serious post.

A photo of the candles lit for us all from Rita today, bless her.

I hope you have all enjoyed your Sunday and shared precious moments with your loved ones, ‘picking daises’. We went to Moo Moo land and lay under the shade of a tree whilst Molly played with her ball and swam in the river. We then enjoyed coffee and cake (without wasps and broken phones) then home for roast beef, lovely 🙂

Before I explain that title I missed out loads of stuff  from yesterday and I blame my chemo brain so back to yesterday Karen, Frankie and side effects for a quick catch up….

I was blessed that Karen was with me through chemo. We enjoyed two hours of chatting I told Karen about Frankie and her journey. For those of you who read my blog you will remember she lost her husband 8 years ago and used to attend the Sunrise cancer ward for his chemo treatment, where we both attend now. She was diagnosed herself in May 2015 with cancer, straight to stage 4 and not operable. Karen said “well she must have had some signs or symptoms”s. I realised I hadn’t asked her so when Frankie arrived we had a better chat and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me sharing a small part of her story if it helps others.

Frankie was on holiday in Spain in April 2015 when she started getting the runs. She put this down to maybe a change in diet, the water or something she had eaten. Upon returning home she still had the runs and went to her doctors. Tests were done and within one month she was told that the cancer was in her bowel, liver and lungs. She was inoperable and was given only six months to live without chemo. She considered her options of whether or not to have chemo and looking into the eyes of her loved ones (two children with grandchildren too) how could she not give them hope and do whatever she could to stay with them for as long as possible. She has reacted badly to chemo and after cycle one she ended up in hospital.  Although the dose of chemo has been reduced down for the next cycles she struggles with the treatment. I have my chemo session pumped into me over two hours, Frankie has hers over 5 hours to reduce the side effects. Frankie has a wish to reach her next birthday. Now when I first met Frankie I tried to guess how old she must be and I decided she must be early 50’s. I know I have put this photo up before of Frankie  but it’s so that you can guess her age? Okay so I’ll tell you she a 69 and her dream is to reach 70. I’m sure you will agree she looks amazing.

During our long catch up on our journeys with cancer she like me struggles with how well she looks. We both can’t believe sometimes that when talking about what’s happening with our cancer that we are actually talking about us. She says ‘it’s like living in a bubble’ I agree. Apart from taking chemo we would feel okay and be living life with maybe pain killers but we would be okay and at least have energy. It feels like a dream sometimes that this shitty disease is eating away at us, like a slow version of Ebola turning our vital organs into mush, which we can’t survive from. They had a cure for Ebola in months!!! Why so long then does it take so long to find a cure that now effects one in every two of us all?

The side effects on cycle 4 have been so much easier to bear. I fell asleep yesterday and when I woke the sunlight hitting my eyes felt like they were burning. I hold onto my face as it’s not easy to explain but the pain is awful. After a few minutes the pain goes and I lie still. Then I started to cry, the tears flow and I can’t stop them but they don’t hurt, wow. I usually dread tears on chemo week. The chemo has decided to just attack my joints. My legs won’t work and I walk very slowly like an 80 year old, bent double and struggle to walk up steps. The reaction to all things metal is as strong as ever but I still have a sense of taste so that’s good. Frankie and I both suffer with first bite syndrome. This is when you first use your jaw to eat anything and the pain of chewing locks your jaw and it takes a while to get the jaw moving. Poor Steve has to help me dress because of the pain in my arm where the chemo was pumped in and I have no choice but to ask for things to be brought to me as walking is so slow and difficult. Steve says he actually likes getting stuff for me as it makes him feel useful.

So before we go to bed last night and after curfew time. Steve and I are in the kitchen and decide to start on our own ‘picking daisies’ playlist as we suggest you all do in 50 shades of chemo. It’s not easy as you don’t want any music that makes you sad or reminds you of anything or anyone else. We choose songs together and after a while Steve announces that we have created a playlist that lasts nearly two hours. I said that one song lasting 3 minutes would have surely done and he calls me a cheeky cow lol, only joking of course. Have you all made yours yet? Anyway I am just too tired and very cold for some reason and Steve helps me to bed. I go for fluffy bed socks, and P-jams, I’m rocking the 80 year old look again and I sleep with two duvets on me, I’m that cold. I slept for 5 hours which is so good for me this early in a chemo cycle, I don’t feel sick and I’m okay. The coffee and fag were okay this morning but the biscuit barrel is cold and starts the finger tingling off again.

Today we have nothing planned apart from cooking a Greek style roast Lamb and taking Molly out. Well I ‘m going to have to sit under a tree at her favourite park, Moo Moo Land and watch others exercise her.

Feeling Loved – this is for the generosity of you all via my Just Giving link. I really do appreciate it. I have tried to thank those of you privately as well as a general thank you via an update on Facebook. But I’m struggling to be able to thank Deborah who is a member of the BHS Family in Milton Keynes. I know that she left a comment on my blog once but with chemo brain and 27 pages of comments to go through I gave up. Deborah thank you if you are reading this and thank you to everyone else too as it does mean so much. It makes me feel very loved indeed.

Now my next piece about feeling loved is not about me but about you lot. Look at your loved ones and really do consider how much they do, not just for you but for others too, I am writing this as I am worried about some of you out there who are taking on too much. Working, looking after elderly relatives, children, shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, planning meals, planning family events, keeping up with the housework, the garden, school homework and the list is endless. I did this for years and years, always putting myself last and pushing my energy levels too far. I would occasionally explode as did no one else see that I was struggling sometimes? Moms always do as they have been there themselves. There would be a heated debate in our home and then things would soon just return to normal. So for all of you out there who this relates to, take it easy on yourself, stop and breathe, pick some daisies for you, so that you can then get back on that wheel and carry on. For those of you who know someone like this, help them, don’t take your loved ones for granted, and offer of help or to make them a drink, this will mean so much, remember one day, if you are unmarried yet and without kids, this rushing wreck who flies through each day and collapses late at night with a beer or a glass of wine as a reward will soon be you!

So off Steve, Mom and I went with Molly for a lovely relaxing pub lunch nearby with amazing views over nearby lakes and we walk towards them by a canal, what could possibly go wrong hey! The walk was fine, only short due to the tumour in my groin and the weakness in my legs but Molly loved it. Back to the beautiful pub for drinks and to order food. I have my plastic cup ready for my drink and chemo lunchtime tablets to take. The place was swarming with wasps, now as Steve has a beer they make a bee line for him (excuse the pun) and the thought of eating food whilst swiping away wasps was not exciting me at all, we can’t go inside to eat as we have Molly with us. Steve hates wasps and during the multiple changing of tables to avoid them he gets stung on his hand, drops his iPhone 6+ and smashes the screen! Now Steve is really not happy and so instead of spending £40-£50 on a lovely treat for lunch we ended up with a Waitrose sandwich each back at home in our garden armed with a fly swatter for any wasps that may be in the area! Life just isn’t perfect is it? But we will eventually look back and laugh and at least I saved about £40 🙂

Sunday tomorrow and so my prayer list for the wonderful MT Mrs Quin and everyone else out there who says a prayer for me. Can you include the wonderful Frankie and that her dream to reach her 70th birthday comes true. For Karen to cope with her chemo as she now has to have 12 cycles due to the dose being turned down. The wonderful stud muffin Pete who is still recovering. For baby Jacob who is doing really well at home. For everyone coping with this terrible disease and finally for all carers who rush through their day giving their all to their loved ones and others but who need to feel loved too. Thanks Rita, a long request but I know you are the woman for the job. and can cope with my demands 🙂 x

It’s still Thursday night and I’m awake on my own, dreading tomorrow coming as it’s chemo day. I like every other person on this journey must dread chemo day. It’s our only hope of prolonged life but it’s so hard to get your mind into the right place. Taking medicine that makes you ill is just so wrong. Last time as you know I had a problem with shitting myself, not pleasant at all but I’m going to ask for them to give me something to stop it happening again. Let’s hope it works and I don’t have to do the semi naked walk of shame again.

Wow I’m overwhelmed by your generosity. Yesterday I started the link to Just Giving to raise money for the charity ‘Beating Bowel Cancer’ I am shocked and stunned by you all. I set a target of £1000 which I thought was ambitious and suggested a £1 donation. Every penny counts hey as Dorothy Goswell (a Debenhams ex boss) and Brian Parsons (part of the BHS family) have said in their messages to me, and they were amongst the first to donate after Hayley Wright (who was first) but some of you have sent me £50!! Unbelievable and I can’t thank you enough. Your messages have also been lovely to read too so thank you.

Now I had a message from the charity who wanted you all to know that there are paid staff that work for them too and as I don’t want to mislead anyone this is part of the message from Nancy at Beating Bowel Cancer to clarify their position.

Thank you for your blog post raising awareness of our charity. I just wanted to clarify something as you mention in your blog that the charity is run by 300 volunteers – we do have many hundreds of volunteers who raise awareness, and do other things like help look after this forum and we have others who raise money for us, but the charity itself is actually run by paid staff.

I’m sure like me this doesn’t surprise you and would not put me off raising money for them. Their help to me has been amazing, their leaflets and advice are informative and not patronising. In true Wendy style the text message link to donate doesn’t work on some networks and Just Giving are trying to fix it, trust me hey as mine is always broken. (Update, apparently if you are on the Three network, you should leave out the £ sign)

I received a private message today from one of my BHS family at Kingston, it was so lovely to hear from her and tears were hard to hold back as I read her words. I miss my team so much and joining in with life at work. Thank you all for your messages of support.

Steve knew I would pay for yesterday’s outing and I’ve been in pain and just exhausted all day. Light normal sleeps were replaced with me missing hours of the day. I wouldn’t have missed my day out for anything but even on a rest week the side effects of chemo are still there.

I’m also saddened and touched by others and their stories of cancer near misses, current cancer treatment stories and those who are scared that they may have it and are undergoing tests at the moment. I’m glad you contact me and tell me even if you are protecting your loved ones and keeping it secret. You are not alone and I’m always here for you to talk to. Well between sleeps that is haha.

I do have some good news to share with you all. Today I booked a short break on my next rest week so that I can spend some quality time with my loved ones and Nicky and Beth are coming too. I really wanted to take Rebecca away as she wasn’t going to have a holiday this year. She is so supportive and sees too much suffering. She needs a break so much. The holiday home overlooks it’s own private lake. The sea is just 6 miles away. There are loads of things locally to do and Molly Moo is coming too. I keep telling Molly that she is going on holiday but I don’t think she understands me, lol. Steve has ordered another internet gadget thing so that he can continue to work whilst we are there and of course so that I can post on my blog for you daily 🙂 how cool is that? We can only go Saturday to Wednesday as I have to have bloods taken prior to chemo cycle number five starting on the Friday but it’s a break together picking those daises 🙂 I wanted to take her abroad but I’d never get insurance and I can’t be in the sun either so all things considered this is the best plan. The one thing I really miss is being able to plan anything around treatment, appointments and tests. We looked at so many options for spending a week together and this is the best we can do, 5 days away with I hope fun, laughter, walks with Molly, sea air and above all a break for my precious daughter.

I can’t believe it’s only been a week since Steve and I had the meeting about my prognosis armed with our typed list of questions. It seems ages ago. Mom is returning today to spend a week with us, to help out as much as she can during chemo week. She will be down later today as she has a check up appointment following a skin cancer scare years ago. She has been clear since the operation and so it should just be routine. Mom has had the all clear for another 2 years 🙂 Just Giving have sorted out my donate via text button and it’s all good.

I arrived on the Sunrise Ward and checked in, the receptionist said that a lady was here for me and waiting in the waiting room. I knew who it would be, Karen was here for me armed with Costa Coffee and a chocolate danish. Richard would be jealous as it’s his favourite. I’m so pleased Karen came and I can tell she has chemo brain, she is okay but has obviously struggled to be with me today. Thank you so much chemo bud as you made the treatment fly by whilst you were with me. Frankie was in at 12 and so took over as my chemo bud. I asked about my blood results and again I’m 5 stars 🙂 with regard to my bloods cells and immune system. I then asked about my CEA (cancer markers in my blood) first blood test they were 4.1 second blood test they were 6.6 and today they were 6.6. Now dare I dream that the chemo is working, dare I dream that we are holding it back, dare I dream that I may live past the 24 months? We have to wait until after the CT scan and the appointment on 21st but surely it’s a good sign but I’m not used to good news so I don’t dare to dream yet.

Now due to my accident last time in shitting myself without warning the nurse brings me some Imodium to take, she also brings me a cup of cold water to take the tablets! You are joking I said to her as anyone who knows anything about chemo should know that cold water is the worst thing to give the patient, and she’s the nurse. They then bring me a sandwich, which had been in the fridge and again I made them all laugh as I pointed out that for a chemo ward they are the least chemo friendly and they giggle at this as they know it’s true.

I text Steve to come and get me. My fingers lock as I text, the bones in my legs make standing hard whilst I wait, the usual feeling of being drunk and falling into a bed of stinging nettles is there too but not as bad as cycle 3, after cycle 3 I couldn’t even go back the say goodbye to Frankie, I just wanted to get home as I felt so bad. I stand inside the automatic doors as I know the wind on my face will sting. I see our car pull up and I venture outside. I have chemo eyes where everything is a little blurred and as you are unsteady on your feet I walk like an old woman. Steve has to open the car door for me as it’s metal and we set off home. Mom arrives just minutes after me and after a brief chat she takes the lovely Molly out for her daily walk as I am even having problems managing the steps up and down from the chemo gazebo. I will rest now for the rest of the day knowing that my daily post is complete for you. I’m off for a sleep now as last night I only got 4 hours and that was broken by the pains in my groin, so I’m tired and need sleep.

For most of you your working week is coming to an end with maybe fun times planned for your weekend. After over doing it on cycle 3 I haven’t planned anything and I will enjoy the peace and picking daises with my precious family. Have a great weekend and pick some daises for me, for your loved ones and most importantly for yourself.

Where on earth do I even start? Well as normal where I left off on Tuesday night and so much has happened since then but all will be revealed. This maybe a long post so tea/coffee/wine, biscuits/chocolates will be required.

Curfew time on Tuesday night and Rebecca chooses to play the Music Quiz game,  Steve always wins at this and so he isn’t allowed to play his joker and I win by just one point. Of all the games we play I don’t ever win and I think they feel sorry for me but I don’t care as it’s sharing the moments and laughter that counts, not winning. Steve and I have planned to sleep in the chemo gazebo! Now you might think this strange but it’s all about picking daisies whilst you can. So Steve arranges the gazebo furniture and uses 3 dining room chairs to add length as he is 6’3″, he gets the duvet from our bed plus two hot water bottles for extra warmth. I’m in my nightie fluffy socks, dressing gown with slippers and rocking the 80 year old granny look. Steve lights candles and we spend the night together under the stars picking daisies.

So with my big day planned I head off for blood tests early ahead of chemo day on Friday. The deli style cheese counter waiting area only has 4 people waiting but I am fast tracked anyway. I return to my car with the customary plaster ( I like a plaster) and for only 8 minutes of parking I’m charged £1.50! Now I’m not angry at this for me but I think of the elderly and people on benefits who have to go through this disease with money troubles too and it makes me angry. How can they possibly justify £1.50 for 8 minutes of parking!

I return home and have two separate rests/sleeps in the quiet chemo gazebo as I have a big day ahead of me. Showered and getting ready to go I decide to wear a my new gilet that I brought whilst shopping with Leanne as I’m hoping it will make people laugh as I can make sheep noises all day and invite people to stroke me. I take the first lot of painkillers and sleep again on the train into Marylebone.

I arrive at BHS head office and I’m greeted by Leanne and James  who have already got the coffees ready for me to take into Mr Moore. Now so many of the BHS head office family read my blog so the people with the fake names are aware of who they are but today for those of you who don’t know them, all will be revealed. First stop is Mr Moore with his very untidy desk, shameful LOL but at least it makes him look very busy, which of course he is 😉

Leanne then takes me to I think the 8th floor to Mr Muscles office, with my coffee of course. Now I spent an hour with him and Leanne just talking. I’ve always been a massive fan of Mr Muscles, he adds passion to his work, he truly cares about people and I haven’t seen him for so long. I’m honoured that he and the rest of you read my blog and I can share this journey with you all. It was a precious hour of catching up and dwelling on life and how we all have plans and dreams but think we have all the time in the world to make those dreams come true. But for some of us life will be cut short and so picking daisies, whatever that means to you should not be put off. Thanks Mr Muscles for the time you took out of your busy day for me.

Then Leanne and I went to ‘Retail Operations’ the hub of communication for BHS where I caught up with my ex boss (I have lots of ex bosses) Chris Eaton, a quick hello and a kiss was all we could grab together as he was too busy but it was lovely to see him anyway. Leanne and I decide a quick fag is needed before I go to visit HR. So we are outside and you will never guess who comes outside? Only Mr Bottom, the man himself, the now CEO of BHS. He walks towards us and says “hello, how are you?” I couldn’t resist my reply “I’m terminal, how are you”? This made us all laugh, well smile as it was funny. I do love it when people say ‘how are you’ and ‘wow you look well.’ How do I answer? So I go for humour every time and hope it does the trick.

HR hello’s done and Mrs HRH is on holiday but I did see Amanda and Carolyn, I missed Arlene, sorry Arlene maybe next time if you are around. Then we go to collect the ‘Sex Kitten’ herself and head of for coffee and cake. ‘Sex Kitten’ treats me and Leanne to more coffee and cake, thank you and another precious hour is spent together putting the world to rights, thanks ‘Sex Kitten’. She has recently lost 10 stone by will power and I’m so impressed. She looks amazing but then she always did to me and those who see the person inside and not judge the person for their size. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Mr Moore joins us briefly for a drink before the lovely Leanne brings her car to pick me up from Marylebone to save me walking back to HO. Now yesterday was the tube strike in London from 6.30 and everyone was in their cars. It took Leanne and I an hour and a half to get back to her flat. I don’t really care as we spend the time chatting and catching up with life but it does now mean that we are running late for our evening meal planned with her friends. We eventually make it to her flat, a quick hello to Jurgita and more painkillers to see me through the evening. I’m feeling fine and I have energy too so I’m loving life :-).

So the evening meal was planned last week as Leanne’s friends all read my blog and wanted to meet me, wow that’s a real compliment and I wanted to meet Leanne’s friends too. We all talk about people we know in our life’s to other friends, so it’s nice to put faces to names. There was one lady missing, Suzy who couldn’t make it so its an excuse to do it all again when she is back from her holiday. Rita picks up Leanne and I from Leanne’s flat and her car is very posh, leather everything and it’s so polished that you slide about without any control as you go round bends. It’s not a car you could have sex in as you would be sliding every where trying to hang on for traction, lol. We arrive at the pub, quick fag and then in for our meal. Leanne’s other friends join us one by one and it’s like I’ve always known them, they make me feel so at ease and are fabulous company. We talk and talk over our meal, I talk too much and don’t finish mine as the food is now cold and so we head outside for a fag. More drinks ordered and we find a large gazebo to sit under, it’s been raining and most chairs were wet but we found some dry ones and sat and chatted under the lights of a very large gazebo that is far grander than mine at home.

We spent the evening laughing and exchanging life stories that are hilarious, the rest of the pub must have thought us crazy as shrieks and howls of laughter could be heard every few minutes. I could write a book on the material alone shared last night. The memories of Mr Pinky and Mr Cunnilingus makes me smile every time, don’t worry girls your secrets are safe with me. Amazing friends Leanne and what a blast we all had. Steve came as planned to pick me up and Leanne teased him about the previous night spent under the gazebo 😉 Steve isn’t shocked anymore at my openness and just copes with the laughter from us all as I had shared the details of us picking daisies with them. All too soon we had to leave as Steve knows that whilst I am having a ball I will suffer later or the next day. Thanks Leanne for treating me to my meal, for sharing your lovely friends with me and making my day special. Suzy hurry home so I can meet you and we can do it all again.

As we drive home we go past sign posts for Kingston, this makes me sad as I’m so near to my BHS family and yet so far away. I had received in the post this morning my wage slip and a copy of the monthly newsletter where my blog has been promoted. Thank you Mary Poppins. I miss them all so much and during my conversation with Mr Muscles I can’t help but always cry when I talk about the team in Kingston and of course the support and love that I have received from the wider BHS family. I also struggle with saying thank you to them for continuing to pay me whilst my sick pay ran out months ago. I still work but no where near the hours I used to do. So many people have to cope with this disease and financial hardships, I’m truly blessed.

So back home and the pain starts, backache and the tumour in my groin is really not happy. Richard comes to say hello and although I try very hard to keep my pain from my loved ones I can’t now and ask for painkillers. Now I hate taking any tablets so for me to ask for them is rare and Steve knows I’m in real pain. ‘She’s broken you again hasn’t she?” referring to Leanne as she always breaks me but I had such a lovely day the pain is worth it. My stomach has turned into a bouncy castle again and then the endless trips to the loo start, oh my poor bum. But living life is much better even though I struggle to keep the pain and discomfort I’m in hidden from others I’d rather be with people sharing moments than hiding away from the world.

I wait for the pain to go before I head off to bed, and I sleep for 6 hours, wow now that’s good for me. Pain is under control and thoughts of tomorrow and chemo is on my mind. Cycle 4 starts tomorrow and the two weeks of side effects which I dread. It’s my only hope of slowing up the cancer growth so I have no choice but to go in and be brave. Karen might come in to sit with me, Frankie will be there too and all the others I meet there in the Sunrise Ward of Wycombe hospital. I have received the CT scan date which is 11th August and on 21st August at 15.40 pm we will be faced with the biggest meeting so far and the results of whether the chemo is working or not and how that with affect how much longer I have left.

Now just going back to my blog and in particular 50 Shades of Chemo, when I ask if people have read it I either get yes and it’s great or I don’t know where it is on the site. For those of you who read my ramblings on your mobiles you won’t see the side bar menu of comments, post names, about me and of course ’50 Shades of Chemo’ so here is the link for all you mobile readers but not for mom’s, and children as you lot are not allowed haha.

I have set up a ‘Just Giving’ page to help raise money for Beating Bowel Cancer. I have set my target at £1000 and I have set the amount at a suggestion of £1 as I think people get charitied out. For those who want to help and donate more than £1 this amount can be altered. You just have to text 70070 with the code WGUY99 and whatever you decide to donate goes straight to the charity. This blog was never about anything other than helping others and via this route we can all play a small part in supporting a great charity. Thank you in advance if you decide to donate. Hayley Wright was the first to donate so thank you Hayley it’s appreciated so much. Hayley was a member of the BHS family in Staines and her mom, Alison still works there. Thank you again.

OK so Leanne has broken me so much that I’ve just woke up from 3 hours of sleep in the chemo gazebo, the rain woke me briefly but I was so washed out that I continued to sleep through it with rain dripping on my head. Happy birthday to Mary Poppins and Karen is okay following her chemo starting on Tuesday.

The dreaded chemo cycle 4 is getting ever closer so bear with me tomorrow as I may not be able to type a long post depending on the side effects but I’ll be here for you all x

Steve and I got together in October 2001 but we had been friends since 1990. We had both just come out of failed marriages and the pain of divorce. Steve and I rented a lovely house in Pedmore, it had 5 bedrooms, a beautiful entrance hall with a very posh bell that you actually had to pull and get this, 3 bathrooms, now I always said that you knew if you were posh if you had 2 loos but 3, that’s just wow LOL. The rent was expensive but Steve was on a good wage and I was working so what could possibly go wrong hey? My previous family home had been sold but there was no spare money left over for me and the kids. Steve still had his previous family home and was renting it out.

We rented the house in January and the telecoms business collapsed at the same time. Now Steve being a contractor was one of the first to go and there followed several long months with no income apart from mine and an expensive monthly rental on the house with 3 loo’s.

I had noticed a small ball shaped lump in my neck and I used to play with it at night, a bit like twisting your hair, it didn’t hurt and I didn’t think that it could be serious at all. I had to go to the doctors for something else and whilst I was there I mentioned the lump in my neck. The doctor said that he would refer me to an ear, nose and throat specialist, no worries I thought and cracked on with life.

I had left Debenhams and was due to start working at M&S in Oxford Street in the October of 2002. The appointment to see the specialist came through for around the end of September 2002. Steve and I were still struggling on just my wage and we were also hit hard with maintenance, Steve paid his and continued to do so without ever missing a month even though he was unemployed and didn’t have too. He used his savings survive and I wasn’t receiving any maintenance at all so very quickly savings dwindled. Steve even sold his car to survive hoping for a work contract to arrive. But it didn’t and things were getting worse and so did the borrowing on credit cards to afford to live each month, without admitting to ourselves that we couldn’t continue much longer.

I attended the appointment and I remember it was a Monday. The specialist examined me and and tried to take a biopsy but failed. He said that he wanted to operate on me on the coming Wednesday as “he wouldn’t know what it was until it was in the bucket.” “No no no,” I said this is the NHS you are supposed to say we will monitor you and come back in 6 months, no way you can’t be serious, this Wednesday!! I convinced him to delay surgery until the November as I was due to start a new job and I had to get settled in there first. He agreed to the delay.

I was mortified and after reading about lymph node cancer I had already ordered my own coffin in my head and was really scared. I had to tell M&S that although I had just started I needed to go off sick for the operation and recovery at the busiest time for the retail world. Steve and I just couldn’t afford the house with the 3 loo’s and I had just got the kids settled into a new school too. I had to work in London during the week and my mom had to help me look after the kids whilst I was away with work. Steve and I had got to the point of no return and discussed the end of the house with the 3 loo’s. They was nothing else for it but to ask our moms to take us back in and live separately but still be together until we could afford to live together again.

Then Steve got a job offer, wow great money in his skill set, there was hope but there was a massive problem, the job was in India. We had no choice he had to take it but I was facing surgery, we didn’t know how serious it was and he wouldn’t be able to return for months but if we wanted to keep the house, my kids in there new school and start to pay back the borrowed money we had no choice, he had to go.

Family and friends were told Steve was leaving for India and I remember taking Steve to Heathrow that day like it was yesterday. He had to have a working laptop with Windows on it. More credit used to buy a laptop and other tools which Steve had to supply, plus a plane ticket to Mumbai. We installed Windows on the Staples car park in High Wycombe, it was my very first visit to the town and I remember thinking what a lovely town but what an ugly looking run down hospital. With only minutes of battery power left the download was complete and we had at least one way of communicating with each other as we both had mobiles by then, there was no Facebook and both calls and texts were luxuries that we would not be able to afford very often.

At Heathrow Airport we had to part not knowing when we would see each other again, not knowing what the results of my lump would be, the operation to get through and recovery plus all the worry of just not being together was so overwhelming. I walked away from him and cried so much going back to the car that I couldn’t see, uncontrollable tears that blinded me and just wouldn’t stop. All choices had been removed from us and we had to protect our kids to keep them safe, we had to provide for them and therefore we had to be apart.

My operation date was set and the lump removed. It was benign and all was well on the health front. There was a risk of facial deformity as any surgery on the face is risky but I was okay. After a short time in hospital with my mom there again by my side to look after the kids for me we got through it. One of the worst things about Steve being away was the time difference and the lack of contact. Poor Steve couldn’t contact me prior to the operation, that morning as I travelled toward Russell’s Hall Hospital I checked my phone every few seconds hoping to hear something from him but didn’t and I felt really alone and very scared but I just had to go through it, get on with it and not make a fuss.

After the operation I had a ball shaped drain hanging out of my neck, very attractive. One night during the nurses rounds they pulled the curtain around me and a qualified nurse was discussing my case with a trainee. He squeezed my drain ball thing and the other nurse shouted ‘no don’t do that’ they left shortly after that and I was alone behind the curtain and I’m sat in the chair not in the bed with the tray thing they have just in front of me. I started to feel faint and dizzy. I was so scared that I was going to pass out and no one would know as the curtain was hiding me from the others on the ward. I tried to push the tray thing with my feet to knock it over to draw attention to anyone who maybe passing to help me. The fainting feeling got worse and I managed to push over the tray thing before everything went black.

One night I was asleep and I saw Steve walking towards me with flowers, smiling and I felt so safe that he was with me even in a dream as there was no way it was going to happen in real life. Eventually discharged I went home to recover as quickly as possible so that I could return to work. Now the other day I posted a photo of myself with the lovely Lorraine who I worked with at M&S. Now we had only just started working together but she approached the store manager, Sacha at that time and requested that I should be paid sick pay even though I wasn’t entitled to it but because it was the right thing to do. Thank you Lorraine for being so thoughtful and so lovely. I reminded her of this went we last met up, she had forgotten this but I will never forget you for doing that for me.

I continued to have all 4 kids at weekends as we wanted them to have normality but this was so hard at times as they had no idea and nor should they of the sacrifices we had made to keep them and us together in the house with 3 loos. Is there not anything we would not do for our kids hey? They fought and wanted anything, Richard and Chris used pester power all the time for us to prove how much we loved them. Lauren and Rebecca played dress up and were content to act out plays every week with no pester power but they both had troubles in their new ‘jigsaw family’ we had created.

Steve worked 7 days a week in India, he did long hours everyday as there was little else for him to do. He was part of a team that completed the first SDH ring (whatever that is) for Reliance Mobile in India and he was a star in his field of work. Steve when he talks about the the time he spent there recalls the poverty of India, they had armed guards outside McDonald’s to keep the beggars away. He was stuck in a dry state (no alcohol) and no meat either as they were all vegetarians. Two of the basic needs of any man I thought, meat and beer. Steve also had a driver everyday as it wasn’t safe to travel alone. Every time they stopped he would clean the car for Steve. At the end of each week he gave the driver a little extra cash and he was amazed to learn he was almost doubling his wages.

Steve just couldn’t continue out there away from me and the kids. By late December he had an okay job offer back in England so he returned just in time for Christmas. They begged him to stay but he couldn’t stay. He returned and requested roast beef as his first meal. I met him at Heathrow where I dropped him off a few months before. I wore a pale blue jumper and a coloured neck scarf to hide my scar but I shouldn’t have as the scars weren’t important to him. The fact that the lump was benign and that he was home, with me and the kids was enough for him.

In 12 months I had been through a divorce, started a new relationship, moved house, changed my job and had surgery. No wonder I was feeling low. Some of the most stressful things we have to go through in life and I completed them all in 12 months. Life continued for us together in the house with 3 loos until we brought our house, where we live now in High Wycombe, which only has two loos and we moved in there in April 2003. I’m happy with two loos.

So another close call with cancer but again benign. When we were waiting for the results of Harry I honestly thought it would be benign again as previously with my other two close calls. I was out of luck with good news stories on cancer sadly.

I’m writing this one week before it goes on the blog as on Wednesday I’m having an afternoon in London, then going out for a meal with BFF and her friends. I didn’t want to not do a post everyday hence prepping this one. Tomorrow I’ll let you know how my trip out and meal went.

Note from Steve:

India has changed greatly in the last decade, so I’ve been told. I was posted to the state of Gujarat to install and commission part of a new mobile network. To say that mobile coverage was patchy was an understatement. We often had to drive for three or four hours between locations, and in between there would be no coverage at all. Combine that with the time difference and I was lucky to exchange a couple of text messages with Wendy all day. I have never felt so isolated or far away from her. What should have been an amazing experience was completely overshadowed by knowing that Wendy was having this operation, and the worry as to whether it would be benign or not. Even if I wanted to come home, it would be a couple of day’s travel – and we just couldn’t afford the fare anyway. I also saw some appalling scenes of poverty that gave me a fresh appreciation of how lucky we were. I will be eternally grateful to my former boss Noga, who offered me the job in London that enabled me to return when I did. Wendy and I are strong people, but our first year was a real test, and I’m so glad we came through it.

Wow what a telling off you all gave me yesterday hey! Okay Okay I have given in and decided to have a day of rest at home, no visitors, just peace and relaxation time however I do still have to work. But thanks for caring about me.

Last night I made myself a scone with butter, strawberry jam, clotted cream and then fresh strawberries on top. Now I wasn’t hungry after tea but in a rest week I can taste things that I can’t taste during chemo and it was so lovely I took a picture of my creation for you. Life looks better with cake in it I think LOL.

Bed at 2 ish again and up at 6.20 am, usual morning routine of animal feeding, 1/2 a biscuit, coffee and a fag. I’m feeling okay and I’m checking my emails etc when Richard appeared from the garden. He fell asleep last night under my quilt in the chemo gazebo and I didn’t have the heart to wake him up, so when I got up this morning I must have woken him up with the coffee machine, being a bean to cup one can make a right noise. He goes straight upstairs back to his bed to sleep some more. I would love to sleep for more than 4 hours through the night and I envy him.

I checked my blog stats as normal and the blog is not only being read by Beverley in Michigan but also by someone else in Dallas, oh how I loved this series, Dallas that is. I had a message from an ex member of the BHS family last night who lives in Estonia, so that clears that mystery up as I thought it was a political friend of ours, James Oates reading my blog. Evrim is the reader in Turkey, Ruth in the Maldives, and the Stud muffin himself Pete in Australia. Some odd places have also popped up lately like The Yemen, Jordan, Mexico, Iceland, New Zealand, Vietnam, Poland and South Africa. So the blog has now been going 8 weeks, that’s only 56 days if my maths are correct. We certainly are going around the world with the help from you all who share my blog everyday, thank you to you all.

Anyway, back to Dallas. When this was first shown in Britain I was hooked from the start. Being old again sorry but this was before the internet and ‘On Demand’ so my week was centered around this must watch favourite. I was so into Dallas that I used to record each episode whilst I watched it just in case anyone spoke or I was interrupted. The glamour, the lifestyle, the cheating JR and the lovely Bobby. I just loved it and secretly wanted hair like Victoria Principle. Now a couple of years ago I discovered that I could watch the whole thing again via Apple TV and whilst Steve was working away my guilty secret pleasure was to re watch Dallas again from the start. Or it would have been my guilty secret pleasure but it’s Steve’s card details linked to the account and he wasn’t best pleased when he found out I’d spent £150 buying the whole thing, Whoops! I could have brought the whole thing for about £50 from HMV or Amazon but that would have meant I’d have to wait and just clicking a button that says ‘buy now’ is just to tempting and easy.

This morning I ventured onto the Beating Bowel Cancer website to look at the forum and other blogs. It was odd but nice to read about others on the forum who experience the same side effects of chemo. Jani who volunteers there sends me a warning about taking turmeric in tablet form whilst on chemo so I’ll have to get Steve to check this out properly. I went on the blog part of the site and whilst some were up to date there were a lot that hadn’t been updated for months. Why? I thought, and I worry that these people haven’t survived. I made a promise when I started my blog that whatever happens I will post daily and if I’m not well enough Steve has agreed to update you all.

Now talking of my blog and don’t even think about telling me off but I have a mega day planned for tomorrow. Bloods first as it’s the dreaded chemo cycle number 4 on Friday, then rest and then into London for the afternoon to surprise Mr Moore and others at the hub of the BHS family. Then it’s back to BFF’s flat where I will rest if needed and out in the evening with her friends for a meal. Steve has agreed to pick me up after the meal but he is concerned that my day will tire me out too much. So for all you daily readers I have prepared tomorrows post already and it’s about my 2nd near miss with cancer and of course the emotional roller coaster that cancer brings to anyone’s life, even if it turns out to be benign. It’s also about personal stuff as Steve and I had only just started our lives together too so I hope you enjoy it.

It’s 8.15 now and I’m in the chemo gazebo with the second hot water bottle that Linda from work brought me. This one has a pink fluffy cover as the first one burnt my skin when I was trying to cope with cancer pain in the early days thinking it was wind. I was enjoying the peace but now I have the building work to my left and now another worker has started on the house to the right of me! Grinding and banging on both sides, great rest day this will be hey! Ear plugs required I think.

Work completed and emailed, Rebecca, Richard, Molly and I set off to our usual local dog walking park which we call ‘Moo Moo Land’ my car is now covered in brown dust from the workmen as it was parked on the drive. We walk together and I think of all the walks I’ve had with my kids over the years. Watching them play, run, laugh and argue too as life isn’t perfect is it. Rebecca held my arm throughout the walk and Richard threw the ball for Molly. Walking hurts and the longer I do it the more it hurts and I had taken painkillers before I went. I hate my loved ones seeing even the slightest pain I’m in. We stop off at McDonalds again as I can’t resist an Iced Mocha Frappe. Gotta get those pleasures in whilst you can as Friday will soon be here and cold drinks will be a distant memory as will cold water, taste and the ability to touch anything. As soon as we are back home I have to sleep, just over an hour out of the house and I’m knackered and sleep for nearly two hours. Steve is worried about me tomorrow that I’ve taken on too much again but hey what could go wrong hey apart from falling asleep during the evening meal, I’ll be fine I tell him and myself and hope for the best.

Tumeric update from Steve, well, from the Cancer Research page about Turmeric anyway!

So a pre prepared post tomorrow and then I’m back with you on Thursday with gossip of my day out, speak to you all soon as I’m off to cook Madras and shitache mushroom rice lol xx

I’m sorry this post is late up today but it’s been a busy busy day for me. So where do I begin? As ever where I left you last night…..

Schindlers List was 1/2 an hour from finishing and the internet dropped out, we tried loads of different things but nothing worked so we couldn’t finish the film and as Steve had gone to bed already we couldn’t ask him to fix it, anger number 1. Then when everyone has given up with the film and gone to bed I start to work on the little surprise I have been planning for you all. I had been working on the main computer for over an hour and so my stomach is now in two with pain, I start to gag and gag, the sort where your eyes water, oh no, I don’t want to be sick 🙁 I manage not to be sick and get to bed but only after numerous trips to the loo. Now this anger number 2 as I know it’s my fault for eating too much Sunday dinner of Roast Pork with all the trimmings but having spent two weeks not being able to taste food I just can’t help myself but I then have to pay the price. I eventually get into bed at just after 2 pm.

I wake at 5.50 am, no pain, excellent! and after 1/2 a biscuit, coffee and a fag plus animals fed I go to check the work I had done just 4 hours previously. The speakers won’t work, FFS they worked 4 hours ago, anger number 3! Steve wakes as he is on the early shift and I rant about how can something work 4 hours ago and then without anything being changed it won’t now work. Steve instantly fixes it as the computer had decided to turn the volume down itself. Steve goes to work and my day is all planned anyway. Take Rebecca to the hairdressers, take Richard to get his car MOT’d, Mom has to leave today and return to the Midlands. Pick Rebecca up and then meet Emma to do work. Anger number 4 as all this was going to plan but there are road closures all the way to the hairdressers that weren’t there this morning when I dropped Rebecca off at the hairdressers and I have to go back into Wycombe along the London road to go back up to Flackwell Health. I arrive but Rebecca isn’t ready and I have to wait another 20 mins which isn’t really anger number 5 as I haven’t seen Caroline who does my hair for months so that was nice but it is anger number 5 as I am now late meeting Emma and as mom has gone home Emma is sat on our drive waiting for me and so I’m driving as fast as I can to get home for her.

I remember that cancer joke for you to add some laughter to this anger post ‘My Oncologist now does my hair’ LOL

Anger number 6 is from my mom as she hates leaving me, she worries too much and is scared of the time she is missing out of with me, she doesn’t want to go back to her normal life. I’m sad for her  as I know I’d be the same if it was any of my kids but she can’t move in and be with us 24/7 as we all have to have space.

Back home and work all done with Emma which took hours and although I thought I’d saved a document it didn’t save and all the work had to be done again, anger number 6. It was lovely seeing Emma and spending time with her but I had now been awake for 9 hours and working in a sitting position as with the previous night sent my stomach into spasms and I can’t hide the pain from her,  I’m forced to take painkillers. Next door have a builder round and drilling can be heard for well over an hour. When Emma had to go and we go to her car which is parked on our drive it’s covered in brown dust, anger number 7, oh no poor Bella (name of Emma’s car) now Emma has to get her cleaned as brown shit coloured dust doesn’t look good on a mini convertible.

I am exhausted and can’t wait to sleep and relax my stomach. I have a missed call from Leanne, so I drop her a quick text to say sorry but I have to sleep and I do the same for Steve. Anger number 8 as I can’t walk Molly now, I’m knackered and I haven’t even started my post for the day 🙁 I sleep for 1 1/2 hours. I wake just as Steve returns from work. A quick exchange of the events of the day and I have to do my post, see how I love you all 🙂

Steve has done some research into turmeric being able to reduce or stop bowel cancer cells spreading and has returned home with the tablet form of the spice. He also says that I have to eat shiitake mushrooms too. I’ll give anything a try hey and so we will.

Both of these things are backed up by the Cancer Research UK and serious trials are being done to explore the beneficial effects, so it’s no quack cure.

I have listed all my angers as all of us, me and my loved ones are angry but who should they or I be angry with? So what happens to us all is that the lightest thing makes us all over react. It gives us a ‘thing’ to be angry with. Feelings of hopelessness is not good and the thoughts of what we all stand to lose and the possible difficult road ahead is always with us. It makes us all angry but to each other we are fine until something small sparks off the anger and frustrations of life.

Finally I copied this off someones timeline the other day as I like you was probably shocked to find out that Robin Williams suffered with depression. How can someone who brought so much laughter to the world be so sad? The truth is that like anger, depression can be a disability in itself and because people hide it away, like anger it festers beneath the surface of the exterior that we show others.

Anyway as it’s a ‘Warts and All’ blog so it’s all about anger and frustration today, sorry but we have to have the difficult days to know and appreciate the good ones hey.

As mom has returned and Steve is back as Editor, any mistakes in this post – get angry with him haha xx