What the hell happened, where did life go, where did I go? I’ll try to explain what I’m waffling on about. Yesterday I was so tired and low due to chemo and the CT scan I was determined to enjoy my evening, pull myself together and be brave, ‘man up’ as I would say to Richard. We eat dinner, a lovely roast chicken which I could almost taste and then after chemo tablets for pudding, yum again I suggested Steve and me take Molly out just the two of us as I really haven’t been myself lately and I know Steve misses me. Off to ‘Moo Moo Land’ we head dropping Rebecca off in town as she is going to see a film. At the park I’m just crap, walking slowly, can’t talk, out of breath and so tired.
I want to just sit and cry, I want this all to be over, I’m just not living and I’m so sick of feeling so down and exhausted. I remind Steve that if I were an animal I would just be put down and I start to envy the world of our pets where we decide how much suffering they can endure. Steve knows I’m really struggling and we head off back home, I’m tired and in pain with my groin tumour, dragging myself along the best way I can even though I’ve had painkillers it’s still so hard to walk. It’s the start of curfew time so as playing games or using my brain in any way is out of the question we decide to watch TV. Texts from Karen come in as she is also not well and I answer her texts even though it’s curfew time, she is my chemo bud after all. Plus I get a text from BFF saying she wants to pop in to cheer me up. I just want to cry and hide, I don’t want people to see me like I am. I reply that I’ll just cry if I see her and she replies that she’ll cry with me, now there’s a true mate hey, bless her.
I stop texting as it’s curfew time. Steve, mom and I have a brief chat about chemo where I said that if we find out chemo isn’t working on 21st then I’m turning my levels down as I have been trying to be strong but this shit I take is just awful and I’m not living for 2 weeks out of 3. Mom looks worried today, she has been for days I can see the worry and pity in her face. The endless not knowing how to make any of this easier or better, isn’t that what us mom’s do? We make everything better. Mom goes to bed, to read or just to be alone as seeing me in this state is not easy for any of them. So it’s around 9.30 and Steve and I remain together alone as Rebecca has gone to the pictures. Lights out and the next thing I know it’s 1.30 and I’m all alone again in the front room. I’ve slept a none chemo sleep after only about 30 minutes of being out of the house with Molly.
Did you watch the programme recently called ‘The C Word?’ If you haven’t you must. It was on BBC1 about the journey of Lisa and breast cancer. I watched it and was always struck by the fatigue that she went through with chemo as I remember at the time thinking how hard can fatigue be? If you’re tired you just rest, simple hey? OMG it’s not simple at all, it’s a living nightmare of feeling the lowest ever possible. No energy at all to walk, talk, laugh you just have to focus on basic functions like breathing, moving, walking it’s not even possible to describe how lonely and sad this all makes me feel. Where have I gone to? Will I ever come back to life? Will I ever run into the sea, swim, run my fingers through warm sand listening to the sound of the waves gently lapping at the shore? Will I ever enjoy a meal in the warmth of the evening with cold beer, music playing in the background and just enjoy the company of loved ones? I am thinking of our last holiday I think, a precious week together before chemo started, when I felt okayish.
So I wake up alone, omg Steve must have gone to bed feeling so alone too and worried sick again, as would mom and goodness knows what Rebecca must have thought when she returned from her night out. At the end of curfew time I always catch up with comments on my blog, texts, emails, private messages and of course thanking you lot for sharing my daily ramblings. I hadn’t done this today and I feel so sad that I let you all down.
I log onto my blog and see Rita, Beverley, Gayle and Carolines’ comments which I hadn’t replied to. They say lovely words of encouragement and I feel a total fraud. Alone, sad, not inspirational at all and definitely not brave or any of the other lovely things people say to me. I reply to the comments thanking them for their support and love as it means so much to me everyday but I just want to cry, to make this shit all go away. I want it over with, I want my life back. What the hell happened to me. How did I get to this place in just 7 months?
Anyway it’s now 2.30 am and putting all that down for you has helped, plus two coffee’s and two fags. I try to keep the blog real but as upbeat as possible but it’s so hard sometimes. Last week I was in a pub with Leanne and her friends having a blast following my day out at head office feeling as fine as I can be on painkillers to see me through the day and I just have to focus on the fact that I will come back to life again, just a few more days and it will start to feel easier.
At around 3.30 am mom get’s up, worried about me. I tell her to go back to bed and sleep, I don’t like to see her worry. She gives me a hug, she must be worried as my mom doesn’t do affection, bless her. I say I’m going to have a hot chocolate and then come to bed. Alone again I get a message from Jane, an old school friend, this makes me smile. Why on earth was she up at this late hour and sending me a link to a song we used to sing too? Thank you Jane as I did smile at that, I told her to go back to bed too.
Then the cramps and the runs started, great I thought. Around 4 am I decided I have to go to bed. Upstairs trying not to wake anyone I brush my teeth, I have to hold onto the walls for the gagging starts and the need to be sick. I make it into bed and prop my head up high hoping that the sickness may fade. I lie there listening to Steve sleep soundly and envy him and everyone else. At just 17 minutes I can’t cope anymore with the cramps and as I don’t want to wake mom up again I head for the downstairs loo, oh my poor bum.
I grab my quilt and pillow and try to rest on the sofa in the kitchen, I awake again and it’s 5.30, I made it through the night. I’m so pleased that it’s daylight and another day has come. I think that a coffee, 1/2 a biscuit and a fag will help but it doesn’t and this brings on heartburn. My back is in two with pain and so is my groin tumour but I’m not taking painkillers and I opt for the hot water bottle that Linda brought me from work, just 7 months ago to help ease what I thought was wind. I am in the chemo gazebo now and whilst writing this I feel so guilty as I should be strong, I should want to keep going but this is so hard. And then I receive this lovely message….
Away in Cornwall at mo – signal not brill so not catching the blog as often as normal – but still ace so moving and well written, read it early this morning on the beach and threw a lovely smooth pebble in with your name on – to happiness and fun times way my whisper as the tide that keeps going wrapped its arms around it gently – ps not only am I having my curfew time with my family I’m also enjoying the local rattler have a good day Wendy and speak soon xxx
I’m so glad so many of you are embracing curfew time and this I think says it all.
Steve checks my blog in the afternoon as one of my editors and he assures me that I will be myself again soon. I just cry, well try not to as now my face is in pain, crying and chemo doesn’t work either. I know I will get better soon but I’m trapped inside this body and mind and I can’t seem to reach out to anyone.
Yesterday I received a lovely letter and gifts from another old boss of mine, Dorothy Goswell. We worked together for years in Debenhams in ‘Merry Hell’. Now there’s a lady who could teach us all a thing or two about service. Very fond memories indeed but my thoughts are about an old customer of ours at that time, man called Norman. He came into our restaurant at least once if not twice a day. He always brought us gifts and we had become a second family to him. He used to take Richard and Rebecca to Santas Grotto every year with me. He always had a ‘Full English Breakfast’ as during the war he flew daily not knowing if he would return. The stories he told us were fascinating and I think of how brave our men and women have to be in war. I’m at war with my cancer and I’ve held on to his memory throughout today as he like others had to be so much braver than we will ever know. So I’ll just have to ‘man up’ as I only have to take pills and rest.
Thank you finally for everyone who also sent in donations after we went above the £1000. I hope to have your surprise ready for the weekend as Emma and my BHS Family are trying to help me as much as they can. I just want to make people smile through this shit and it will be here soon, pinky promise 🙂 xx