What the hell happened, where did life go, where did I go? I’ll try to explain what I’m waffling on about. Yesterday I was so tired and low due to chemo and the CT scan I was determined to enjoy my evening, pull myself together and be brave, ‘man up’ as I would say to Richard. We eat dinner, a lovely roast chicken which I could almost taste and then after chemo tablets for pudding, yum again I suggested Steve and me take Molly out just the two of us as I really haven’t been myself lately and I know Steve misses me. Off to ‘Moo Moo Land’ we head dropping Rebecca off in town as she is going to see a film. At the park I’m just crap, walking slowly, can’t talk, out of breath and so tired.
I want to just sit and cry, I want this all to be over, I’m just not living and I’m so sick of feeling so down and exhausted. I remind Steve that if I were an animal I would just be put down and I start to envy the world of our pets where we decide how much suffering they can endure. Steve knows I’m really struggling and we head off back home, I’m tired and in pain with my groin tumour, dragging myself along the best way I can even though I’ve had painkillers it’s still so hard to walk. It’s the start of curfew time so as playing games or using my brain in any way is out of the question we decide to watch TV. Texts from Karen come in as she is also not well and I answer her texts even though it’s curfew time, she is my chemo bud after all. Plus I get a text from BFF saying she wants to pop in to cheer me up. I just want to cry and hide, I don’t want people to see me like I am. I reply that I’ll just cry if I see her and she replies that she’ll cry with me, now there’s a true mate hey, bless her.
I stop texting as it’s curfew time. Steve, mom and I have a brief chat about chemo where I said that if we find out chemo isn’t working on 21st then I’m turning my levels down as I have been trying to be strong but this shit I take is just awful and I’m not living for 2 weeks out of 3. Mom looks worried today, she has been for days I can see the worry and pity in her face. The endless not knowing how to make any of this easier or better, isn’t that what us mom’s do? We make everything better. Mom goes to bed, to read or just to be alone as seeing me in this state is not easy for any of them. So it’s around 9.30 and Steve and I remain together alone as Rebecca has gone to the pictures. Lights out and the next thing I know it’s 1.30 and I’m all alone again in the front room. I’ve slept a none chemo sleep after only about 30 minutes of being out of the house with Molly.
Did you watch the programme recently called ‘The C Word?’ If you haven’t you must. It was on BBC1 about the journey of Lisa and breast cancer. I watched it and was always struck by the fatigue that she went through with chemo as I remember at the time thinking how hard can fatigue be? If you’re tired you just rest, simple hey? OMG it’s not simple at all, it’s a living nightmare of feeling the lowest ever possible. No energy at all to walk, talk, laugh you just have to focus on basic functions like breathing, moving, walking it’s not even possible to describe how lonely and sad this all makes me feel. Where have I gone to? Will I ever come back to life? Will I ever run into the sea, swim, run my fingers through warm sand listening to the sound of the waves gently lapping at the shore? Will I ever enjoy a meal in the warmth of the evening with cold beer, music playing in the background and just enjoy the company of loved ones? I am thinking of our last holiday I think, a precious week together before chemo started, when I felt okayish.
So I wake up alone, omg Steve must have gone to bed feeling so alone too and worried sick again, as would mom and goodness knows what Rebecca must have thought when she returned from her night out. At the end of curfew time I always catch up with comments on my blog, texts, emails, private messages and of course thanking you lot for sharing my daily ramblings. I hadn’t done this today and I feel so sad that I let you all down.
I log onto my blog and see Rita, Beverley, Gayle and Carolines’ comments which I hadn’t replied to. They say lovely words of encouragement and I feel a total fraud. Alone, sad, not inspirational at all and definitely not brave or any of the other lovely things people say to me. I reply to the comments thanking them for their support and love as it means so much to me everyday but I just want to cry, to make this shit all go away. I want it over with, I want my life back. What the hell happened to me. How did I get to this place in just 7 months?
Anyway it’s now 2.30 am and putting all that down for you has helped, plus two coffee’s and two fags. I try to keep the blog real but as upbeat as possible but it’s so hard sometimes. Last week I was in a pub with Leanne and her friends having a blast following my day out at head office feeling as fine as I can be on painkillers to see me through the day and I just have to focus on the fact that I will come back to life again, just a few more days and it will start to feel easier.
At around 3.30 am mom get’s up, worried about me. I tell her to go back to bed and sleep, I don’t like to see her worry. She gives me a hug, she must be worried as my mom doesn’t do affection, bless her. I say I’m going to have a hot chocolate and then come to bed. Alone again I get a message from Jane, an old school friend, this makes me smile. Why on earth was she up at this late hour and sending me a link to a song we used to sing too? Thank you Jane as I did smile at that, I told her to go back to bed too.
Then the cramps and the runs started, great I thought. Around 4 am I decided I have to go to bed. Upstairs trying not to wake anyone I brush my teeth, I have to hold onto the walls for the gagging starts and the need to be sick. I make it into bed and prop my head up high hoping that the sickness may fade. I lie there listening to Steve sleep soundly and envy him and everyone else. At just 17 minutes I can’t cope anymore with the cramps and as I don’t want to wake mom up again I head for the downstairs loo, oh my poor bum.
I grab my quilt and pillow and try to rest on the sofa in the kitchen, I awake again and it’s 5.30, I made it through the night. I’m so pleased that it’s daylight and another day has come. I think that a coffee, 1/2 a biscuit and a fag will help but it doesn’t and this brings on heartburn. My back is in two with pain and so is my groin tumour but I’m not taking painkillers and I opt for the hot water bottle that Linda brought me from work, just 7 months ago to help ease what I thought was wind. I am in the chemo gazebo now and whilst writing this I feel so guilty as I should be strong, I should want to keep going but this is so hard. And then I receive this lovely message….
Away in Cornwall at mo – signal not brill so not catching the blog as often as normal – but still ace so moving and well written, read it early this morning on the beach and threw a lovely smooth pebble in with your name on – to happiness and fun times way my whisper as the tide that keeps going wrapped its arms around it gently – ps not only am I having my curfew time with my family I’m also enjoying the local rattler have a good day Wendy and speak soon xxx
I’m so glad so many of you are embracing curfew time and this I think says it all.
Steve checks my blog in the afternoon as one of my editors and he assures me that I will be myself again soon. I just cry, well try not to as now my face is in pain, crying and chemo doesn’t work either. I know I will get better soon but I’m trapped inside this body and mind and I can’t seem to reach out to anyone.
Yesterday I received a lovely letter and gifts from another old boss of mine, Dorothy Goswell. We worked together for years in Debenhams in ‘Merry Hell’. Now there’s a lady who could teach us all a thing or two about service. Very fond memories indeed but my thoughts are about an old customer of ours at that time, man called Norman. He came into our restaurant at least once if not twice a day. He always brought us gifts and we had become a second family to him. He used to take Richard and Rebecca to Santas Grotto every year with me. He always had a ‘Full English Breakfast’ as during the war he flew daily not knowing if he would return. The stories he told us were fascinating and I think of how brave our men and women have to be in war. I’m at war with my cancer and I’ve held on to his memory throughout today as he like others had to be so much braver than we will ever know. So I’ll just have to ‘man up’ as I only have to take pills and rest.
Thank you finally for everyone who also sent in donations after we went above the £1000. I hope to have your surprise ready for the weekend as Emma and my BHS Family are trying to help me as much as they can. I just want to make people smile through this shit and it will be here soon, pinky promise 🙂 xx
Wend,how weird,I too have had Norman on my mind since your blogs and was hoping to find a photo to send you….this is strange too guess what I found when I was searching,my watch on a chain,I bought you one do you remember?this just shows we are all linked somehow by those who have been a part of our life journey.Norman thought of us and especially you and Lisa as his family once his Granddaughter grew up as nobody seemed to think he was as special as we did.Your family and friends do think you ARE special and that makes you a lucky lady despite everything.Glad you received the sleep sprays,may not be too good if you feel sticky but they do help you relax and make the pillow smell wonderful.Yes again you thwart my intention to feel sorry for myself with painful knees, want to moan but can’t with all you are suffering.Do hope and pray the news gets a little bit better and you can enjoy your break.Thinking of you as always and specially your Mom,we are supposed to be able to solve everything,so hard when we can’t.ps very glam pic of you forgot I was so hairy nice to see old Norman too.xxxxxxxxx
Yes I remember that chain and I’m glad we have always kept in touch, Christmas cards every year etc you also brought me some Christmas flowers do you remember them too. Fond memories and a lovely team too hey but so many years ago. Thank you for my letter and gifts, love to Barry and girls too xx
Reading this broke my heart today sweet. Just reading your words and hearing the shit you’re going through in those words. I reached out my arms to you and wrapped them tightly around you. Hoping that you could feel them. I’ve thought about you lots lately and just how you must be feeling and then today I read those words. You are doing fab babes! Strong. Positive. Inspirational. You are our heroine. Big loves Wend xxx
Thanks Michelle, now I haven’t forgotten you either, remember to keep me posted. Thanks for all your love and support, it’s appreciated so much xx
Hello Wend,
Read today’s blog through tears, if I could wave a magic wand to make you all better, I would wave with all my might. Huge HUGS to you and yours.
You are always in my thoughts Love to all xxx
Hi Nanny Jan, don’t be sad, it’s okay – well it’s a bit shit but I have to just get on with it hey. Us black country women are made of strong stuff 🙂 xx
Lots of hugs we will have a night out again soon xxx always here especially on the crap days BFF xx
That would be lovely with my new BFF’s mom too LOL, thanks for popping in to see me today, sorry i cried on you xx
Wendy, what a heart breaking 24 hours you have just gone through, you are the bravest person I know FACT.
The trauma and pain you are having to live through is devastating to hear. It just makes me respect you so much more, I don’t know where you’ve pulled this inner strength from to see this chemo through but you see this only proves just what an amazing special person you are.
Don’t ever doubt your self or think we expect you to just soldier on!!!!! My God you are human, you have shown us the most amazing insight of strength, courage & love and we are all so very proud of you and your beautiful family x
It’s also important that you give it to us warts an all because we are with you on this journey, we all want to help in what ever way we can.
So we’ll have none of this nonsense about manning up young lady you are doing a dam good job of this shit. Your a better woman than me. X
So here’s fingers & toes crossed that curfew tonight is on the cards and you have a peaceful night ( you deserve it )
Love & Hugs Always <3 <3 <3
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh Rita by angel as ever, you were with me last night, I could feel your love. Thank you everyday for being you xx
You are doing brilliantly Wendy. And yes even superwomen of which you have the crown currently are allowed to moan about feeling shit.
Keep writing and sharing. You are a formidable lady with a wonderful attitude to this bastard. Much love
Hi Sex Kitten, thank you for your message and the daily sharing you do for me. I’m starting to feel a little bit better but I’ve just been sick so hey ho it’s just all shit at the moment but I’ll be okay with everyone’s love and support xx
hi Wendy, reading your blog today just makes me think about how we all take live for granted, our biggest trauma is if the washing machine breaks down, wow. how are we going to cope?.
late for work, the days started badly, or have I got time to call at the garage for petrol before meeting my family for a meal.
how trivial it all sounds, why we all think that these things are so important, we don’t stop and think that there are others feeling
so forelawn and helpless with the weight of the world on there shoulders. still can’t believe that you are going through this shit.
I can only pray that this is blog makes others think a little more about what life is really all about, to love one another and not take things for granted. love as always xxxx
Well said my lovely Aunty Shelia, bless you. I wish I’d have stopped more and picked more daises but I shall do again you’ll see xx
Well said. X
Oh Wend, ‘the C word’ was on TV the evening we got back from your house. It was so moving. Your blog is so moving. I know we all wish there was something we could do to help. Instead, it is you that is helping others. Congratulations on reaching your fundraising goal so quickly. There were donations from people I know, and you don’t, and it showed how much your blog has touched people. xxx
Hi Mrs Tut Tut, thanks for your message. The C word was so hard to watch as you can’t imagine everything being that bad but hey it is but at least I still have my hair 🙂 I’ll be okay, your brother is amazing and feels my day with love everyday xx
Oh Wendy it makes me so sad to read your blog tonight….thinking of you..I just wish we could make it all go away and make you better…sending as usual great big hug and lots of love xxxxxxx
I know mate, it’s okay but it’s hard to share the rough bits with everyone as I don’t like to make people worry but it has to be warts and all on here, that’s what I agreed to so I’m sorry if I make you worry. I’m starting to feel a little better now so tomorrow’s another day hey 🙂 xx
I don’t know you and you don’t know me but this has made me cry. You are so eloquent in explaining what you are going through and how it makes you feel and you make all my troubles seem like mere trifles. Thank you for sharing such deeply intimate and personal thoughts and events. I wish you all the strength and courage you need to get through what can only be described as hell xxx
WOW hello new friend, always lovely to hear from anyone who is either a reader or a sufferer. thank you for reading my blog as I know it’s not easy to read but I just wanted to help others that might be on this journey by sharing all the stuff that goes on. You think you know about life hey and then it bites you in the bum! Thanks for your message it means so much that you took the time to write to me, thank you xx
hi wendy
if any one is entitled to think FML(fuck my life)!! its you
You don’t have to be strong all the time nobody expects that
we are all reading your blog and are amazed at your strength and wise words that make us stop and look at life differently.
What an amazing effect you are having on so many readers of your blog.
I think we all wish we had some magic words to make you feel better or a magic wand to make it all go away but we don’t, just know that I’m thinking of you everyday.
Hoping for better days ahead for you and your lovely family
thinking of you all
Deborah
xxx
Hi Deborah, thanks for your comments but it’s focusing on others not me that gets me through this. I do self pity sometimes and cry as I want my life back and I hope one day I will. I’m starting to feel better so don’t worry hey. Thanks again for your message xx
Oh my word, my nan just swore, now we know she means business!!! I hope you get a better sleep tonight Wendy. We are thinking of you always. Goodnight xxxxx
God love her hey, she is so special, love to you all xxx
Meant if you’re feeling sicky not sticky.Stupid ipad
Hope you have a better night tonight love xxxxxxx.
Starting to feel a bit better thankfully 🙂 hope you had a lovely holiday and the kids had fun xx
Wendy I read your post today and wanted to say get rid of the word ‘should’. This is a horrible and cruel illness. There are no rules here. Should you be brave? Who says so. I think it depends on your definition of bravery anyway . To be able to be honest and therefore express your vulnerability to us all is incredibly brave. You know what I think about well people telling you to be positive! Wendy there is nothing wrong with hating what this illness has done to the person you feel is lost and grieving for your former life. Sometimes you need to just say this is no life and feel sad about what it has done. We can send our good wishes and love but we cannot endure your suffering. I pray that you can get some respite from constant pain, exhaustion and endless bad news. Wendy you are still you and what is lost God willing can be found again underneath this relentless and cruel illness. But if you feel crap say it honey, share it and vent. We who read this blog accept the challenge of sharing your journey in the knowledge that it ain’t gonna be easy it’s the least we can do xx
Oh Sarah as ever you know what to say. ‘Ain’t life just shit hey’ lol and it’s not normal either I hear you say haha. I appreciate your love and support, I’m starting to feel a little better so don’t worry. Steve has it rough as does Rebecca and my mom 🙁 I can’t protect them from it and it hurts me that I can’t. Just got to wait a few more days and I’ll be back on form 🙂 xx
Wend. I don’t know why you feel you need to be strong for everyone else. I’ve got your back and will be strong for you. If you feel you need help. It’s ok!!! You can’t be expected to go through this shit and not lean on others. We all love you and hope and pray it improves. All our love always. Xxx
Hi mate, I know but you know what I’m like, ‘strong as ox’ looking forward to being together soon and having fun xx
Me too! X
Oh Sweet, please don’t ever feel that it’s not okay to voice the warts. After all…..it is “warts and all” right?! No one expects you to be all sunshine and happiness all the time. It’s perfectly normal and healthy to validate the shit sometimes. Holding it inside “for the sake of others” only allows those feelings to multiply. Get them out. Scream, rage, punch a cushion, write it out in your blog whatever works. Just let it out and the rest be damned. I don’t know you personally but feel as if somehow I do through your blog and from what I gather you have always been forthright, open and honest. No need to hold back now. It only allows you to just be human. We readers love your spirit and only want to be your net when you need to be held. Your vulnerability allows us to send you support and give back to you in a small way the enormous gift that we receive from you every day. I truly hope with everything fiber of my being that this shite hand that you have been given turns to a royal flush in the end and everything turns out for good. My soul mourns for your pain and wishes that I could somehow take it all away for you and bring you peace.
You put things in to words beautiful, my thought exactly , wendy this is what I want to say, I just seem to ramble on about crap, sorry, Beverley has written this perfect it’s just what I want to say, see I’m rambling on again,sorry, xxxx
Hi Tammy, thank you as it’s lovely to hear from someone who has actually been through it as you can’t explain it to people how low it can make you feel. I’m feeling better today already, feeling the love 🙂 and I know it will get easier and easier as the days go on, until the next round 🙁 but I focus on the here and now and day is going to be a good one. Thanks for your message xx
Sorry I’ve not been around for a couple of days, not been right myself, it’s breaking my heart to read how much pain your in, please don’t give up, it’s easy for me to say, keep going, rest when you need to, make the best of the good hours as I know good days are non existent , I know I’ve been through it, one day when your better you won’t remember all the pain and tiredness, I’m rambling on again, I’m sorry just keep going, just keep going, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx