Testing times

I was so glad that Sarah shared the pain of her illness with us all yesterday. For her, for you and for me as I’ve been a bit rubbish lately. Cycle 4 has been so much better than I imagined it would be but it’s still so hard to bear. The build up of poison in my body is affecting my ability to do most things due to my lack of energy. I move and walk so slowly that it’s awful for my loved ones to see me like this everyday. I have no taste at all and this really gets me down as nothing tastes like it should, chemo mouth isn’t pleasant. Steve, mom and Rebecca all try bless them to help but nothing can.

After a short trip into town yesterday, I was fit for nothing and Rebecca had to take Molly out for her afternoon walk for me in the rain whilst I slept exhausted again. But I have to have my weekly figures to peer into my BHS Kingston store and to see how, as a business, we are performing. I shared a lovely coffee break with Mary, in fact she took me out for coffee, thank you Wayne for letting her. She treated me, my mom, Rebecca and Josh to drinks and sandwiches, bless her. I didn’t eat as it’s all lost on me for a few days but I did have a mini Bakewell tart :-). Tom, Mary’s son has added me as a friend on Facebook, how cool is that? Check me out getting down with the kids hey LOL!

I keep talking to you all about curfew time in our house but it really has been one of the best things to come out of this journey. Family time where all of the world is shut out for two hours and we just have us time. Now yesterday I suggested that Steve and I take Molly out first just the two of us, as after my trip into High Wycombe store today I hadn’t been much fun.

Anyway Steve and I walk and talk, I can see how this cycle is getting him and everyone else down. I’m so sick of feeling ill and I have my CT scan tomorrow to see if the chemo is working. I am worried about the meeting on 21st August for the following reasons:

1. The tumour in my leg and groin have grown in the past weeks so I assume the other tumours have too, this would not be good
2. We are not used to good news in this house and therefore I worry that the cancer has gone into vital organs and if this is the case it’s not good news and we are going away for some happy family time for 5 days the day after the appointment and I don’t want anything to spoil our planned short break of ‘picking daises’
3. If the tumours are the same size, even slightly smaller and they are not growing into vital organs, this is the best news possible but if this isn’t the case how do I or anyone else get mentally prepared to have the next cycle of shit pumped into you again if it’s not working? Will I have to change chemo? Will I have to have more operations? Oh no I’m scared now as sometimes blind faith and not knowing, living in hope is better than actually knowing the truth but as ever cancer takes what it will take and we just have to cope with it.

Anyway back to curfew time and Richard posted an interesting piece on his Facebook the other day which I actually agree with and I wish that all households would have curfew time, time to enjoy just the people we love and not stare at a phone, laptop, computer, hide away in bedrooms or watch TV. Anyway here is that piece for you to contemplate:

ARE YOU CHEATING ?
It’s 5:30 am, and your alarm goes off. You open your eyes, and your mind starts racing. Meetings, conference calls and project deadlines all loom.
Why is there always so much to do and never enough time to get it done?
You grab your phone and scroll through your notifications as you walk into the shower, half awake.
Knowing she’s not up, you send her a text message: “Good morning, baby. I hope you have a wonderful day.”
This text serves as two reminders: You want her to know she’s the first thing on your mind. And, more importantly, she needs to realize that, regardless of how stressful or busy your days are, she’s the priority.
It sounds so perfect, but that’s not reality.
Instead, you’ll log into Instagram or Facebook, nosing into everyone else’s life, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll send that text to your woman on the way to work.
Relationships these days lack direction. People “date,” but what the hell does that even mean anymore? Is it hanging out twice a month? Texting all day? Kissing here and there?
Something is missing. What’s causing relationships to falter at the rate they are?
Relationships thrive on communication. Our most intimate emotions are reserved for the person we love, so how is it acceptable to never show them?
We’ve accepted so many unacceptable things: sitting at the dinner table with our phones out, arguing over text, publishing every minute of our lives on social media.
Do you know what trumps all that? That society has accepted relationships in which we are being cheated on every day.
When you think of cheating in the traditional sense, having sex with another person comes to mind.
It’s an intimate situation in which the person you love is connecting with another while you are going about your life, loving and caring for said person.
Once you find out, all trust is lost. But think about the concept for a minute.
Webster’s Dictionary defines cheating as the deprivation of “something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud.”
Sure, sex is cheating and may be the most hurtful case, but have you ever stopped to think you’re being cheated out of your relationship every day?
We experience a lack of communication, attention, passion, intimacy and even lack of love. Why are we okay with this and all the communication shortcuts that have become so common?
This type of cheating causes much more damage than that of any sexual affair.
You’ve given your heart to someone and love him or her with every bone in your body, but you have to beg for his or her attention.
You sit back and watch this person post status updates about useless things, or post pictures just so people can comment.
You need to take a minute to tell her she’s beautiful. Call her after work to say, “Get dressed in 30 minutes. I’m picking you up and taking you somewhere special.”
Make an effort. Old-fashioned love needs to make another round.
The days of holding hands, opening the car door, taking her out “just because,” sending her flowers just to get a smile and leaving her notes on her car should never be gone.
We have to be children when it comes to love.
We have to be vulnerable and free. That can’t happen when we’re preoccupied with the details of everyone else’s lives.
Focus on each other. When it’s all said and done, that’s all you really have.
Appreciate her, and show her how much she means to you. But, most importantly, put your phone down, and dial into what’s in front of you.

Now I think that’s lovely and as our kids grew up we insisted no mobiles at the table during dinner as this was family time but it was met with tuts and hidden phones under the table on silent! But I hope you get the point of seeing the love in front of you.

Anyway back to the walk last night and I can’t walk for long due to my groin tumour and the pain. The right hand side is numb like I’ve been to the dentist and it makes me walk dragging my leg with the pain. I’m so sick of being ill. I think of things I want to get done but my energy levels just keep failing me. I try so hard to keep up with my project work but concentration lacks after about 30 – 40 minutes and I don’t want to make mistakes so I have to keep picking it up and then leaving it, then with chemo brain I struggle with where I left off. Omg what happened to the woman I was, where has she gone and will she ever return? Conversations are hard as I forget what I’m saying, I then get angry with myself and frustrated. It’s only due to the drugs so I know that today as my tablets reduce and the poison levels reduce things will slowly get better, I hope 🙂

CT scan is at 1.30 pm when I’ll don the ‘gown of shame’ and have to answer the shameful questions of “have you had unprotected sex since your last period” and so I think I’ll just tell them about 50 shades of chemo and just tell her we haven’t got to the sex bit yet LOL.

So I’m back from the CT scan full of radioactive shit and Ribena as Steve made me drink one litre before I went and two cups of water when we arrived. My stomach looks like a bouncy castle again and even my mom can’t believe the size of it. In the waiting room there was a man opposite me in his ‘gown of shame’ I did try to tell him that I thought he had the wrong size gown as I think it’s a child’s one. He sits opposite with his legs open, as men do and I have a lovely view of his blue pants! Thank God for pants hey. The lady who did my CT scan was so lovely and had a real calming voice. I had to sign the ‘slut form of shame’  to say I wasn’t pregnant, she knew my cancer was stage 4 and told me that the results had been requested urgently for the MDT (multi disciplinary team) meeting on 14th August, when a team of almost strangers will pore over my results and decide my fate. We however have to wait for 21st August to hear the outcome of tumour sizes, and next steps on this shit journey that so many are sadly on with me. I am hoping after a sleep that I can enjoy curfew time tonight and not be this slow, sleepy, disabled shell of the woman I have become lately, for my loved ones, for me and for my sanity.

Okay so back to you guys and please try curfew time and treat yourselves. I know Rita has a Nana day today so she will be picking daises 🙂 precious times, moments shared but never forgotten. She sent me this this lovely picture earlier today.

 

Then later to cheer me up Rita sent me this picture to remind me of our lovely Mr Grump Bum himself, a bit rude but it made me laugh 🙂

 

And after a very flat day and my CT scan I woke up to the 3rd message from Rita today to say we had made target and was at £1050. I just can’t thank you all enough. I’m feeling so proud and loved by the comments you sent to me and the donations will help this great charity. Thank you sometimes just isn’t enough but I do really appreciate your support through your donations and this journey.

 

 

Feeling proud and loved, catch you all tomorrow xx