Author: Wend

So it’s 8th June 2015 and my boy has turned 21years old. He is stuck in Canada with the Army and so another year goes by without sharing his birthday together, it’s been like this since he was 15. No birthday cake, no phone call but thankfully for the internet I do send messages and finally get a reply.
It’s day 4 of Chemo and apart from slight side effects I’m doing okay. I can’t touch or drink anything that’s cold it has to be room temperature and Rebecca brought me two sets of gloves to wear to handle cold things from the now demon fridge, bless her.
The 12 tablets I take each day are administered by Steve the now drug lord of the house! Not sure which tablet it is but one of them makes your bum tingle like someone has put the sweets ‘Star Dust” up there, now you have to be a child from the eighties to get that joke. Itching is the only way and I broke my nail, no sympathy for that in this house.
I think my on hand nursing team are a little disappointed that the Chemo hasn’t made me feel more ill, not that they wanted me to be ill but the build up prior to taking these chemicals was unknown. In fact they have cured my constant running to the loo all day and at this rate I’ll be heading for the laxatives, oh my good my poor bum.

I really wanted to get as much history into this blog before it went public but my best mate Nicky decided she wanted to share it and so modern technology steps in again and the world of our friends and family start to read my ramblings. Within a few hours I was contacted by so many people with messages of support and love, I can’t thank you all enough. I cried at some of these messages and if I can just help one single person through this blog then I have won. You are not alone in your pain and sorrow for dreading losing your life when it’s under threat, it’s okay to be scared and angry, it’s just not the British way to admit all those emotions so instead when asked we say “I’m fine” and cry alone.

Up at 7.30, showered at 8, breakfast, dressed and ready to go……. but am I? I have considered not doing it, scared and don’t want to do it, all normal feelings to have but just because the feelings are normal it doesn’t make then easier to handle.

About 7.30 the messages started to pour in from friends and family, god I’m so blessed to have so much support, how can I not do it for them? Still no word from my son who is in Canada serving in the Army, on exercise and can’t get in touch 🙁

Hubby ready, bag packed with a book from my Aunty Shelia, my laptop and phone oh and a packet of crisps just in case I get the munchies.

Chemo is due to start at 9.30, hubby has to start work at 10, mom is on her way down from the Midlands and not due until midday and my daughter (who offered to come with me, bless her) has gone to work. I’m glad actually, sounds odd but somethings are better to face on your own or maybe that’s just me. I don’t want to make small talk, I don’t want pity and I really don’t want someone asking me if I feel okay every 5 minutes either so I tell hubby to drop me at the front doors and to go home. So sad watching him drive away, no turning back now for me, got to be brave and just bloody get on with it! still scared silly and want to run away though.

In the ward the nurses are lovely, welcoming and let me choose my seat as I’m the first one in. Window seat picked, I thought the view might help.

First the usual checking of date of birth, address etc then the cannula goes in. Then they flush the line through, next comes two steroid injections to help with sickness that make your bum itch for two minutes, lovely, flushed through again and then comes the nasty big bag of that make you ill chemo stuff, now I’m really scared, no turning back now 🙁 off it goes and actually I feel okay, I try to read the book but I can’t concentrate, I reply to friends texts, emails and facebook posts of support, their love and thoughtfulness helped a lot.

Then an amazing woman came and offered to give me a foot rub. She was in a highly paid job, gave it all up to study massage etc and then decided to volunteer to go into hospital to help cancer patients during their treatment. There are some truly wonderful people out there, her kindness was wonderful, it was lovely to talk to a stranger, no judgement, no background, no pretending to be brave and when she asked me how I was feeling emotionally I just cried cos I could, cos she didn’t know me, I didn’t have to be strong for her. I just wanted to cry and cry but the foot rub soon brought mind back from being selfish and a wimp and back to talking to this woman who was there to rub my worries away (if only they could be) bless her.

Chemo goes in through two hours, about half way though the pain started in my arm, had to ask for a heat pad as it was getting worse. By the end of the two hours I just wanted the cannula out of me, I could feel the chemicals burning my veins, another 12 minutes of flushing the line through and I was free, what a great feeling.

Back at home I can’t touch anything that’s cold as it feel freezing to me. Cold water from the tap feels like ice. Pins and needles through my arm and fingers and the pain continues in my arm but I don’t feel sick and I don’t have diarrhea! wow chemo cured that for a day LOL.

Tea was interesting, spaghetti bolognese but by then I was wearing gloves as I can’t hold a metal knife and fork. My family tried not to take the piss but it was funny sat there in 21 degrees of heat, wearing gloves and trying to eat with plastic cutlery.

Top tips: buy gloves, get good quality plastic cutlery and don’t cook spag boll on your first night LOL

So it’s the end of chemo day and I actually feel really good. Apart from the side effects listed I’m still alive, I got through it, I only cried once and all in all I feel happier today than the previous night. One treatment down, seven to go over the next 6 months.

Okay so you would think that getting over bowel surgery and being almost back to normal health apart from occasional pain oh and the endless diarrhea (more on that to come in other posts) that I would be happy, wanting to spend my last night being thankful I’ve got this far. Being romantic and even wanting to make love to hubby without a condom (as there’s no sex without them for 6 months) due to my fanny being radioactive, lovely hey!

Instead I feel scared, sad, emotional, down and a little childlike in that you want to sulk so that someone will say that it’s okay, that you don’t have to take the nasty medicine. I can’t imagine those drugs being pumped into my system which are going to make me ill.

Romance and sex were not on my mind at all – would I regret it, yes and my poor hubby who has put up with so much has yet again got to put his needs second to mine, poor thing. He went to bed and an hour later he is back up as he can’t sleep, he is only like that if we argue so I know he is worried.

What to do? If ever there was a day I wanted to get as drunk as I could it was this day. Chemo due to start at 9.30, could I turn up stinking of booze? oh the shame of that, so I decided on two glasses of red wine and two bottles of beer so that wasn’t too bad was it considering how drunk I felt like getting.

I wasn’t just worried for me, this week my bowel cancer friend (met in the hospital after surgery) started her chemo two days before me and she had reacted badly, my brother in law was going the have brain surgery in Australia to remove a cyst, a great friend of mine was having her results from a cyst which was removed two weeks ago and all in all everything felt shitty.

Eventually I went to bed only to wake with bad breath and my first thought was oh no my chemo day has come 🙁 so scared

On 4th June Steve and I had to attend another hosiptal appointment to go through the possible side effects of the chemo again. We were seen by a chemo nurse called Daisy. We were taken into a side room, the cancer unit is on the 5th floor of the hospital and the room had wonderful views over our town and we could almost see our house. It was a beautiful sunny day but it was all lost on me as the daunting prospect of chemo was drawing ever closer. I was just so aware of the hours ticking by until the nasty chemo drug would be pumping through me and I wanted to slow time down 🙁
Daisy was an Indian lady, very kind and had probably done the chemo speech countless times but her words were new to us so we listened carefully. Now being Indian her accent was strong and since that chat Steve and I have tried to mimic her voice but I don’t think I do it justice and I sound more Irish than Indian but it makes us laugh.
Okay so there seems to be one basic answer to every single side effect that you may have, try reading the following with an Indian accent.
If you get cold symptoms, you go A&E
If you have chest pain, you go A&E
if you are sick lots, you go A&E
If you have runs more than 10 times a day, you go A&E
If temperature goes above 37.5, you go A&E
So I think you get the basic idea as the list she goes through goes on and on with always the same advice, you go A&E. She only strayed from that advice twice and so for any mild symptoms it was “you call us and we tell you, you go A&E” and for out of hours help “you call the Oxford out of hours number, and they tell you, you go A&E”.

We were also told that parking was cheaper if you are on chemo, finally a perk! and it’s really 007 stuff too. When attending the ward you pay a reduced daily amount of £3 and in return you are issued with the secret password for that day, which as a one off special treat we were given it for that day. One other perk was that before each round of chemo starts you have to have your bloods taken at the hospital. I was issued with a special envelop for the next blood tests due prior to round two of chemo starting and it was a special colour. This meant that you just had to go straight to the reception desk and hand it in and I would be seen as a priority, no taking a number like your at the deli counter for me mate, this was like fast tracking rides at Thorpe Park.
We left with yet another leaflet on the possible side effects but instead of heading home we went into our local town to get pre chemo stuff.
Now on the pre chemo list was a soft toothbrush, pile cream (for sore bum) and condoms. We headed for Superdrug, the condom section was next to the pile cream so I’m obviously looking at pile cream and Steve is on condoms.
Steve and I had been together since October 2000 and in the early days yes we used condoms as it’s not only about preventing babies it’s about protection (that’s Health and Safety covered for any kids that maybe reading this). When Richard was old enough to be sexually active I remembered that we still had condoms left over from those early days of courtship so I decided that I’d give them to him. He took them and some hours later came downstairs and threw them at me and said that they were 7 years out of date, whoops. Good job he didn’t use them I thought and oh that reminds me I must also clear out my spice cupboard soon as there’s always scary out of date stuff in there too.

I selected the pile cream with ease as Nicky had said go for the analgesic kind to ‘numb your bum’ and poor Steve was still struggling with the condoms. “I can’t believe it” he said, back in my day there was only two choices and now there’s shelves upon shelves of choice. Which ones do we go for” he said and proceeded to go through the assortment of options. “do we want ribbed, extra sensitive, coloured, flavoured, extra large, extra extra large, latex free, Durex as a brand or Superdrugs own, which are cheaper? I didn’t know what to advise and so he opted for the Durex branded in extra, extra, extra large, in fact it said on the box ‘hung like a horse’ so at least the shop assistant would be impressed, LOL.
Back at the car park we entered the secret code for the day which was Pimms and headed home.
The next day after chemo I was issued with a big bag of drugs. The bag of drugs is always on the kitchen worktop next to the toaster (don’t ask) and in the bag is the condoms. I occasionally say “these condoms aren’t making their way upstairs are they” just to embarrass Steve in front of mom or Rebecca. He feels their presence everyday as he only brought a pack of 8 and chemo is for 6 months, how long will they last? is one of his worries and they taunt him daily.

On 30th May Aston Villa were in the FA cup final at Wembley! Steve and I had thought about going up to the Midlands on the next weekend but we weren’t sure because we were all waiting for the chemo start date. As soon as we knew Friday 5th June was Chemo start date we had to change our plans. So I phoned my mom to say we were coming to stay with her for a change. That sent her into a blind panic as she had to do the housework, buy food and get extra supplies of good coffee in for me as she knows me too well.
We had seen most of Steve’s family a few weeks ago when they came to visit us for Sunday lunch but I hadn’t seen my family. So we moved all plans forward by a week.
We travelled up on the Saturday morning. As soon as we hit the M40 the cars travelling down to Wembley had scarves flying out of their windows. I would have loved to have been able to buy Steve a ticket that day to see his team play again at Wembley in the FA Cup Final but tickets were £550 each on the black market and so I decided against remortgaging the house for one day at Wembley. I’m glad I didn’t as we lost anyway but that’s not the point, they could have won.
En route to Aunty Vera’s house we went to Villa Park to buy souvenirs of the day, a scarf to wear during the match and to hang out of the car if we win. All the coaches were lined up ready to set off for Wembley, fans and flags everywhere. It was a lovely sight to see as they like us still had hope that we might just win against Arsenal.
We watched the match at Aunty Vera’s house. Aunty Vera is a very special person and as we say in the Black Country “she’s the salt of the earth” Since Steve and I started dating she has never forgotten either mine or my children’s birthday’s and she always remembers Wedding anniversaries. She welcomed me and my kids into the family from the off. She is married to Uncle (bloody) Alan, who had bowel cancer 7 years ago and is doing really well. They have two grown up children, Paul and Alison. Cousin Alison joined us that afternoon as did Sarah, Steve’s sister. Aunty Vera put on a lovely spread and fussed over us all for hours, she loved it, as we did. Uncle (bloody) Alan is called that as every other word is ‘bloody’ and it’s not in a rude way, it’s just him and it’s funny. He makes us all laugh as he like us loves to see humour in life. Life just isn’t funny sometimes but special people always find something to laugh at, we all need an Uncle (bloody) Alan.
Here is an example of how lovely Aunty Vera is. A parcel arrived at home for me one day after the operation. Inside was about 5 presents all wrapped in Christmas paper, bless her. I had lots of Christmas presents and it was early May, it made me smile. One of my gifts was a magazine to read, now I don’t think she put much thought into what magazine she thought I would read. It was aimed at the more mature lady shall we say and adverts for women who had bladder problems was the theme throughout. Rebecca and I read it one day and laughed all the way through it, so it had done it’s job. The other clue as to her maybe quick a magazine is a great present to send was the all important main article of the magazine which this edition featured, you guessed it ‘Bowel Cancer’ the first sentence went something like ‘Bowel Cancer is the second biggest killer in England second only to Breast Cancer’ now that was it for me I really did laugh out loud, excellent Aunty Vera, just priceless and I never told her as I wouldn’t want her to ever be hurt or embarrassed, so why I’ve put it on here I don’t know, LOL.
We left Aunty Vera and Uncle (bloody) Alan’s house armed we yet another bag of goodies to keep me going through Chemo. I haven’t opened them as the plan is that when I have a bad day I go to the goodie bag to cheer myself up with a present from Aunty Vera who I just love to bits.
From their house we went to my Aunty Cynthia (my Dad’s sister) and Uncle Phil’s house. She didn’t know we were coming and was surprised completely to answer the door to me. We only stayed about an hour as the day had been a long one and they were Baggy fans and Villa had just lost in the FA Cup Final. I did get to see my cousin Susan and her family Si, William and Isabelle.
On Sunday morning my Aunty Shelia (my Dad’s other sister) came over to visit and she had brought me a bag full of goodies too, it’s not all bad this cancer stuff hey! It was so lovely to see her, love you Aunty Shelia. I went over the road to visit Nanny Jan (neighbour I have known since the age of 3 and good friend to my mom).
We then went and had a lovely Carvery meal with Iris (Steve’s mom) Sarah, Stuart, Chris, Lauren and my mom. Lauren brought me flowers and we all enjoyed chatting away and having a laugh together, precious times with special people in our lives.
There were so many people I could have seen whilst in the Midlands, old school friends and other friends from throughout the years but for me it was just about seeing family before chemo. Steve and I headed back to Wycombe that afternoon glad that we had decided to travel up and see them The only person that I didn’t see and really wanted to was my cousin Nicky but she was on holiday but I hope that we will see each other soon.

Due to the swollen lymph nodes in my neck I had to have another CT scan on 26th May. I was called two days before the appointment for the arrangements to be finalised. The lady said that I wouldn’t receive a letter as it was being done at short notice. She said the scan was booked for 5 pm and so no food 3 hours prior to that and I was to drink two pints of water two hours before. I wanted her to check that she had called the right person as I had had two CT scans previously and I had never been told starve three hours before and to drink water. She double checked and confirmed that yes that was the correct instructions and that the request was for a bigger area of my body.
On the 26th May I worked in the local store until 1.30pm, came home for 1.45 pm and had lunch with Rebecca. It was half term and as Rebecca works in a local school and she was off all week. She had agreed to come with me as Steve had to work and Mom was on holiday.
We ate lunch in the sunshine and I was soon fast asleep. At 2.45 pm Rebecca woke me as she was aware of the plan we had agreed which was lunch, walk Molly, start drinking water and then CT scan. Now it was all going wrong as falling asleep was not in that agreed plan. I quickly got sorted and we headed off to the park with Molly. It was now 3 pm and I should have been drinking water (which Rebecca had chilled for me overnight in the beer fridge) Molly has to have an hours exercise each day so that would mean that we wouldn’t be home until 4 pm and that was too late to start drinking water. Rebecca came up with the new plan which was for me to drop her off, return home, start drinking water and pick her back up at 4 pm. An excellent idea and I agreed however I would miss walking Molly.
I dropped Rebecca off and started my return journey. Then it started, the one minute warning! OMG all the weeks of worry about having an accident and thankfully I’d been okay but on that journey home that day I was panicking. I drove as fast as I could to get home, the cramps were awful and every traffic light seemed against me, I made it back home but cursed the decision to lock the front door and I made it to the loo just in time, thank god for my downstairs loo. Anyone who has had bowel surgery will feel my pain and panic here.
I picked Rebecca back up as planned, drank the amount of water required and headed off to the hospital.
I was back in the gown of shame and was called through to have my bloods taken. The nurse was lovely and was being very caring with me, introducing herself and explaining that she was good at taking bloods and that I was in safe hands. She asked if I was okay, not that she cared really but she was being polite. “well apart from having stage 3 cancer I’m fine” I replied. She just thought this was hilarious and said “it’s people like you that keep me doing this job. Seeing the funny side is the right mental outlook to have” I’m glad I made her laugh in her day.
I went through to the CT scan room where another nurse had to check that I was me and that I wasn’t pregnant. I’m not pregnant “but have you had sex since your last period?” yes but I know I’m not pregnant “are you taking precautions?” no but I’m not pregnant “so you’ve had unprotected sex in the last month?” yes but I’m not pregnant! “but you could be” now this was just getting silly, we had just returned from our holiday and yes we made up for lost time on the sexy stuff but she looked about 12 years old, far too young to be a qualified nurse and I knew I wasn’t pregnant. We were at a stalemate, she gave me that disapproving slut look as I stood there in my gown of shame and said she would have to discuss it with her colleague. She returned to say that I had to sign the consent form for sluts as they weren’t going to be held responsible for my wild ways.
The scan complete Rebecca and I returned home and the next day I came on!
On 4th June I was out walking Molly and I had the phone call regarding the results. They were not just concerned about the lymph nodes in my neck but I also apparently have a problem with the lymph nodes in my gut. I asked if it was cancer but they wouldn’t say either way and that I had to go into hospital on Monday 15th June for biopsies to be taken from my neck under a local anesthetic, oh the joy. I was trying to have this serious conversation whilst throwing a ball at the same time. I phoned Steve straight away whilst all the information was still fresh in my head and finished walking Molly. Mom was still on holiday and whilst we were in contact everyday I decided not to tell her as why spoil her holiday, it could wait until she returned and I would yet again have to break potentially bad news to my poor mom.

Nicky has been my best mate since I was 17 years old. She married Keith who has served in the RAF for 27 years and comes out next year, he has seen lots of active service and I’m proud of him and all who serve our country.
They have a daughter called Beth, who is my Goddaughter :-). Nicky is Godmother to both Richard and Rebecca.
We met in McDonalds whilst working there. She was washing up and I had to tip the ice cubes into her sink, which I did saying “well that broke the ice then” and we have been friends ever since.
Most friendships don’t last a life time but I’m glad ours has. Nicky has been there with my family through the darkest of times when others may have backed off as it was depressing sometimes being my friend.
When my sister died she was there for me, she lived in Peterborough and as soon as she heard she was there for us. Julie’s death was hard on everyone as she was only 25 and been married for 8 months. When people saw my mom and I out they would either stop and cry as soon as they saw us or walk in the other direction. I understand why people shied away from talking to us, they didn’t know what to say, what could anyone say but not my mate Nicky, she was just there for us.
When my Dad was ill and died she was not only there for me but for my mom. When I moved away from the Midlands if she was home visiting her family from wherever they were stationed she would always go and have a coffee with my mom to show she cared. Not forgetting her own grief in this as she loved my Dad, he was special to most people as he was funny and would always make a fuss over her “it’s Nic Nic” he would say to greet her and I can hear him saying it now.
I used to work every Saturday and she would help me, my mom and dad by looking after Richard and Rebecca. She loved them and enjoyed spending time with them but instead of doing other stuff with her family and friends she always was just there.
We have been on countless family holidays together as she, Keith and Beth are family. At my first wedding she was my chief bridesmaid. This should have been my sister of course but she wasn’t here anymore so I only had one bridesmaid and that was my best mate.
She was there the day I was told I had cancer as she had travelled to see me following that difficult conversation we had when I told her I wasn’t well. She texts me most days or calls a few times a week. If I need to talk I can and she listens to me.

Now I could tell you some tales of our wild days and our wicked past together. But I won’t do that to her. Maybe I should do some extra posts that contain some of these stories but for now Nicky our secrets are safe from the world wide web.

So we have seen or have planned to see family prior to chemo but I was delighted that Nicky, Keith and Beth were coming to stay with us for a weekend. They arrived on Saturday morning and I cooked Moroccan Lamb, we just enjoyed the day and evening together. Now at some point the men were in the front room and Nicky and I were in the kitchen. Oh I remember now! it was the weekend of the Eurovision Song Contest. Now Steve knows how much I enjoy talking to Nicky and he remained with Keith, watching the telly and talking to Keith about fishing. Now that’s real love right there as Steve knows nothing about fishing and wouldn’t choose to watch the Eurovision Song Contest either. Thanks Steve you’re a star.
Nicky said “I can’t imagine my life without my best mate” . So we sat and talked about it. I said that I would love her to have my eternity ring and Beth could have my Superdry hoodies as Rebecca wouldn’t want them. It was the first time that I really talked about not being around for her and everyone else 🙁

Thanks for a great weekend mate xx

It’s 21st May the night before the chemo appointment. I’m getting organised with my typed list of questions as I had previously done with Mr Mullerat. I think I’ve got everything and I’ve also looked on the cancer research uk website which gives you a guide of some of the questions you may have forgotten about.
I ask Steve to review my list and what did he want to add if anything. Now my hubby does lots of research privately and is always one step ahead of me, but he just doesn’t tell me. We talk through my list and soon get onto personal stuff, stuff that isn’t on the list of possible questions like can I have my hair dyed? Can I sunbathe? and of course can I have sex?
Steve logs onto one of his trusted sites and reads that sex is not allowed without a condom, great! Apparently the drugs can be transmitted in bodily liquid such as the vaginal secretion, “so what about oral sex and kissing” “I don’t know” replies Steve it doesn’t say but it does say that you can ask any questions at the appointment and dares me to ask them. “I’m not asking that!” We just both thought it funny that sex and normal life isn’t mentioned really, no one talks about it. If you have cancer do you stop being attractive? Does desire stop? The only thing we could find was a line that said ‘you may feel differently about your partner during this time’ what the hell does that mean? If you are a man and go off sex then will the woman be offended and vice versa? The evening ended with jokes about radioactive fannies which hid the truth that the next 6 months on chemo was going to be a different life.
At the appointment we were seen not by Dr Weaver (he was obviously seeing someone who was willing to pay £240 for 40 minutes of his time) but by his registrar and cancer nurse Kim. The appointment as it turns out was only to go through the side effects and sign a consent form as death is one of the side effects, what a waste of time as not only did you have the side effects discussion once but we were told you had to have it twice. No start dates given! I couldn’t believe it, what a waste of time I thought plus my mom was really going to be mad when she found out. I just couldn’t believe it and now I’m angry.
So with my best polite I’m pissed off voice I say the words ‘let me give you some feedback’ LOL and I did just that, they had it coming in terms of managing people’s expectations, waiting times and just for cancer nurse Kim the ‘not phoning people back when you say you will’ they sat there and took it then the registrar tried to justify the delay in chemo by saying that my operation needed to heal first and that it would be fine. Now you can lie to me but please don’t ever insult by basic intelligence!! So why did Mr Mullerat tell me 2-3 6 weeks ago then? and you still aren’t giving me a date so we are now looking at 8 weeks, that statement just justifies the delay and I’m not that stupid. Steve just sits there knowing that he had better just let me rant and he can give me his feedback later, no need for a total melt down hey.
The registrar in an attempt to revert to being the helping, calm professional and bring the meeting to an end said the worst thing “do you have any other questions?” Well by now I just really couldn’t resist (LOL indeed I thought, I’ll have you) “Yes” I replied “What about oral sex?” Steve froze, the register stumbled errrrr and cancer nurse Kim went bright red, reached for her chemo advice guide muttering “oh I’ve never been asked that before” she remained red and sweaty under the pressure of the question fumbling with her book, I however was enjoying myself. She eventually said that oral sex would be fine but condoms must be used for sex. Well by now I’d had my fun so I didn’t challenge the obvious question of how does that make sense, if you can’t kiss with tongues or have sex then how can oral sex be okay? if anyone does know I’d love it explained to me.

At the end of the appointment I did show the registrar my swollen lymph nodes in my neck, she examined me, neck groin and tummy and said that they needed to find out what was going on inside me and that she would order a CT scan. We left and Steve said I’d been a little harsh on them, tough I thought and we are back to the waiting game again 🙁

My meltdown is not easy think of or to write about. I need to set the scene for you as it’s never one thing that triggers a meltdown in anyone but a slow build up of emotion that just erupts without warning sometimes. I am not or I was never much of a person for crying not that I didn’t want to cry but because I was always fearful that if I started to cry and I mean really cry I would never stop. Losing my sister and dad had brought on such meltdowns before and they scared me. Maybe that’s why when asked how I am I always say ‘I’m fine’ because I don’t like to really feel how I am, I just try my best to cope, I’ve learned to build a wall. Anyway my meltdown was caused by two people, my son Richard and his first girlfriend, Brianna.

Richard was due to go to Canada on Friday 24th April for 6 weeks. The weekend prior to that he had arranged to spend it with his new girlfriend. That’s fine, no problem with that at all, in fact I’m happy that he is happy. I spoke to him on the Monday prior to him going, I wanted to see him before he went and asked that if we came down to him could we all go out for a meal on either the Wednesday or the Thursday? I had already asked Steve and he said he would drive us down there after he had finished work. Richard was based at Tidworth, just over 50 miles away. Richard’s reply to my suggestion was ‘I’m too busy’ I was both shocked and hurt that he didn’t want to see us before he left and surely he had to eat! I didn’t push it or make a fuss.
Brianna was Richards girlfriend from age 14 – 17. She had been part of our family for those years and gone through the early part of Richard being in the Army and stood by him. When they broke up I also lost a friend. As the years past by we still kept in touch, nothing regular but on birthdays and Christmas. We had met up twice in the 3 years since they had broken up, I always told Richard when I had been in touch with her but I knew that he didn’t like it. Brianna had suffered cancer in her own family in the past and she was now worried about her own mom who was undergoing tests and her Aunty, who was around my age had just gone into a hospice. Since I had posted about my cancer Brianna had of course been in touch and we had agreed that week that we would meet up on the Wednesday at 12.30 for a quick chat. We always contacted each other via messenger but hers wasn’t working and so she posted on my Facebook page about our coming meeting and if messenger had been working for her that week, no one would have ever known and I wouldn’t have had my meltdown.

I was 5 weeks post operation and it had been 12 long weeks since I had been at work. I had agreed with work that I would be able to work from home and out of my local store from week 6 post operation as part of my phased return to work, until chemo that was.
In some small way to support Emma we had started weekly conference calls with my management team on a Tuesday so I could still feel part of what was going on. We had set the call for that day at 11 am. At about 9.30 my phone rings, it’s Richard wow I thought, Richard was calling me in the daytime and as I answered the phone I was smiling, but that didn’t last long.
Richard asked me what was going on in that he had read on Facebook that Brianna and I were meeting up. I explained about the messenger problem, that he knew I saw her occasionally and about her worries with her family. Richard was just to angry with me and I could hear that anger in his voice when he said “that’s fine Mom but I don’t want to read about it on Facebook’ I thought hold on a minute was my son telling me off? I just saw red and had one of those moments where you don’t think at all before you speak, “how dare you, I’m 47 years old and I am not having you tell me who I can or cannot see and at least she can be bothered to come and see me cos she’s not too fucking busy!” I can’t remember if it was Richard or I that hung up first. I would have liked to have said I slammed the phone down as years ago on an old home phone if you were angry you could really slam the phone down and release some of that anger in doing so but it’s just not the same with an iPhone.
I was so angry, how dare he, he couldn’t call me to see how I was or to show that he cared and was maybe thinking of me in his busy day but he could phone me up and have a go at me. After a few minutes I had a text from him that just read “shall we try that one again hey” so for the next hour we argued and I think hung up on each other 3 – 4 times. I could hardly talk for crying and through the tears. I do remember screaming at him saying that we were arguing about stupid stuff that didn’t matter and that we should talk about stuff that really did matter. Eventually we gave up trying to sort the argument out as Richard can usually only see one point of view and that was his, he had to win the argument at any cost and the more he justified his pathetic excuses as to why he couldn’t even spare me 1/2 hour on any day that week to just see me due to working on a tank or whatever it was the more I sunk into despair. I wonder where he gets that stubborn streak from hey?
I was on my own at home sobbing my eyes up when when the house phone rang, it was Emma and the booked conference call, I apologised to Emma and said please just give me an hour and I’ll text when I’m ready. So I sat and sobbed, really sobbed for many reasons, all the hurt and anger came pouring out.
When mom and Steve found out about the argument they were both really disgusted with Richard. My mom is a real peace maker and normally can see the best in anyone and try to resolve all conflict but even she was angry with him and was going to call him to ‘have her say’ but she didn’t. Steve also wanted to discuss what had happened with Richard cos Steve was really pissed off with him too but thankfully I could stop him.
As a mom I don’t think there is another pain like the pain your kids can cause as we are just their parent, we can cope with anything, we are strong and don’t have feelings, we are their punch bags for whatever they want to hit us with and because they are our kids we all take the punches again and again, that’s the unconditional love that we have for them, it knows no limits. I have caused my mom some pain in my life through nasty things I’ve said to her and it’s one of the sad lessons in life that we learn in that you only realise how much you are loved when you become a parent yourself.

I did meet up with Brianna as planned but I never mentioned that she had caused a massive argument, we just sat in the sunshine and chatted about life. I did manage to do the conference call in the end and Richard went off to Canada without being able to spare a 1/2 hour to see his mom.

After posting this and discussing this entry with my mom, Steve and Rebecca, I have decided to add a footnote.
The last thing I want to do is cause any pain to my loved ones through writing this blog, which is designed to help others. If I died tomorrow would this post leave a legacy of hurt for my precious son? No mother wants that. I love both my kids with all of my heart and the argument with Richard was heated yes but because we have such a fantastic close relationship forgiveness on both sides was never going to be an issue. We have apologised to each other for what happened that day. I know Richard feels safe in the knowledge that I will always love him, I’m so proud of him and the man that he has become. (special code for Richard which only he will understand) ‘Love, Love the Loves’ my boy xxx 😉