We are all safely back home from Somerset, the journey home was so hard due to the heavy rain, the British climate never fails hey! But I’m back at home back in my chemo gazebo in my garden, in my home with our rules and not under the prying eyes of Christine the site manager who became obsessed with what Molly was doing and where she had been within the house. The 5 precious days away together has been a complete mixture of emotions. It’s had laughter, sadness and tears. Nicky can’t believe how much I have changed since she saw me last just 6 weeks ago. I can’t believe that a few weeks ago I was up to making the video and spending days with lots planned as now my days consist of clock watching for the next lot of drugs I can take and due to the pain I walk like an old woman, bent double. I can’t even lift a full kettle now as it’s too heavy. Last night Steve and I briefly spoke about how my health had been over the holiday. He knows that for me to take morphine the pain must be bad. I tell him that it will just get worse and I’m so sorry. He struggles so much as the others have done being away seeing me in so much pain. Beth isn’t used to seeing it and I worry about the effect it will have on her but she was wonderful, helping me walk, fetching me things, walking Molly for me but the best of it was seeing her and Rebecca making special precious memories together, laughing together, being friends, mission accomplished I think.
Last night Rebecca and Beth came up with the game of ‘How well do you know your best mate?’ A bit like Mr & Mrs. They planned it themselves and although I lost by just one point they were the winners actually as we laughed and relived some wonderful stories that otherwise they wouldn’t have known about from the friendship that Nicky and I have had which has lasted since I was 17 years old.
(contains strong language, over 18’s only. Health and Safety covered again)
my kind of peace and meditation, makes perfect sense to me anyway.
Yesterday I talked about us car dancing and Rebecca filmed 30 seconds of it, neither Nicky or I were aware she was doing this but I’ll share it with you all anyway as it’s a fun memory:
We then went for cake at a wonderful coffee shop, dogs were more welcome than the humans. Molly had two treats and then slept under the table as good as gold as we ate cake, yummy. We then walked to the sea front but by this time I can hardly walk due to the pain. Nicky, mom and I stay in one of those sea front shelters whilst Rebecca and Beth go off to walk Molly along the sea front. I’m in so much pain and tired out that I sleep with my head resting on Nicky’s leg. I need to close my eyes and hope that the drugs I’ve just taken kick in. Nicky gently strokes my hair and I doze off for about 20 minutes. The car journey home didn’t contain any dancing as before and I was so glad just to be back safe at the holiday home. The pain was just unbearable and I gave in and took morphine. 3 hours were lost due to me sleeping but at least the pain had eased off. This scares me as I can feel the cancer eating away at me inside, the pain just won’t stop. Like before my operation I get so down about the pain and not being able to do things. With the chemo not working I fear that the next lot won’t either and the now 12 – 18 months left maybe even shorter plus I will have lost my hair. Oh shit I’m dreading that. Courage to take chemo is hard enough but this next treatment is going to take all of my inner strength. I have no idea how I will react to it again and after the second course of treatment my hair will start to come out
The internet was so bad at the holiday home that I struggle to keep up with the comments and thank you’s to you all. I know you all say don’t worry but it’s so important to me. After curfew time on a normal day I’m straight to my laptop to see how many hits the blog has had, where from and I love to read your comments. These are so precious when left on the blog as they will be there forever and form part of the new eBook. Steve or mom often say “oh you’ve had some lovely messages” so they read them too and it helps them.
The problems publishing the eBook should be resolved in the next 24 hours. It’s been a week since I promised it to you but in true Wendy style, mine was broken but Steve has fixed it for me. I will of course let you all know when it’s ready to download from iBooks.
So I’ve been spoilt rotten for my birthday, so many cards, presents and messages it’s so hard to pick out a few which are special but I will have to. My favourite card was from ‘stud muffin’ Pete and a photo proves why it’s my favourite, it made me laugh so much. Most naughty present was from my BHS family in Kingston who spent way above the usual amount. Rita sent me a wonderful box of daisy goodies, I return home to beautiful flowers, more cards and a special box from Aunty bloody Vera who has loaded an old tea box full of little surprise presents and even a present for Molly 🙂 the scratchcard won us £4 so I can now say I’ve won the lottery but I won’t spend it all at once hey.
My favourite present was from Rebecca who on her own contacted you from my blog and she produced a wonderful video of birthday messages from so many of you. Thank you to all who sent messages and a massive thanks to Rebecca for pulling it all together for me. How thoughtful was that of her, bless her. So as it’s what you have all been waiting for, here it is…..
Now I’m home I will be back to normal in terms of being connected to you all. This helps me so much, gives me a focus for the day and I get strength from it.
I have been contacted by the hospital today and the new chemo cycle will be September 2nd at 12 o’clock I go in to have the PICC line inserted into my arm. On Friday 5th September I have to have bloods taken and then on Monday 7th I go in to have the first lot of the new chemo treatment.
Now you know what this means don’t you? Yes I’m coming up to the Midlands to see you all. Leah reads my blog daily so Leah we can’t wait until the new year and I’m bald, we need a get together on Saturday 6th September. Everyone is invited, family, old school friends and new friendships I have made via the blog. We will have a fun night to remember so details on venue and times soon. On Sunday we hope to see baby Jacob for the first time before returning to Wycombe. The weekend will give me something to look forward to and focus on rather then the chemo to come on the Monday.
Thank you for all your donations, to Sarah Gillett, BHS HR Director, Tim and his mom and Paulette yesterday for their generous donations, the total is now at £2202.00. I have received messages from Beating Bowel Cancer to say how grateful they are. The video views of ‘Cancer Free’ are at over 5000 between Facebook and YouTube due to you sharing it and the visitors to my blog have risen to 39, 681 and I thought no one would be interested in my story!
Final congratulations to Beverley in America who is a regular blog reader and the arrival of her Granddaughter, Caroline.