Last night over dinner we planned curfew time. It’s was mom’s turn and a film was chosen as I only have to sit to do that. Whilst enjoying a coffee I had a text from Richard. He is doing skydiving this week and he has ordered a GoPro camera accessory pack which he wants so he can film himself jumping, this has been delivered to our house today. So we agreed to meet 1/2 way on the M4. Steve and I like being alone together so this isn’t actually a chore. We happily talk all the way there and back. Richard is delighted to have his accessory pack and we share a precious 1/2 hour and a coffee together before we have to leave each other again.
We get home and Steve asks me if I want morphine or alcohol with my tablets tonight. Dr Weaver has said that I should be taking 1 Nurophen of 500grms and 2 paracetamol every 4 hours. I opt for a glass of wine as Mr Vines and some of the team in Staines BHS store have sent me 3 bottles for my birthday. It’s now after 11 pm and so my favourite game of ‘wack a comment’ begins. I enjoy thanking you all for sharing my blog and reading the wonderful comments on Rebecca’s video skills. I told her that she had reduced most people to tears, she smiles and is happy that it made others happy and sad too. Uncle Bloody Alan has made many of you laugh too and I have told Alison to tell him, bless him.
There are no comments on tonight’s blog post which is unusual and I receive messages from Nicky and Rita that it won’t work. Steve spends 1/2 an hour fixing it and it’s now okay again, sorry about that but mine’s always broken.
Steve goes to bed and I stay up to watch the video again and to enjoy my wine. I get bitch slapped again by Karen Brindle about my pain and I have to admit it is getting me down so much, constant pain is not easy to live with. I go to bed at 1.30 am as there are no more comments to wack. The pain wakes me up at 3.30 am but I can’t possibly get up so I try to sleep again. I give up at 5.30 am and the usual routine has now changed to painkillers, feed animals, coffee, 1/2 biscuit and a fag. The pain is not going away or fading and I know I have to seek help as within one week it has just got worse everyday. Steve wakes and before he heads off to work we discuss pain relief, I said I will go to the doctors but then why bother them when I have cancer nurses to talk to over the phone, surely they will help.
I phoned the cancer nurses at Wycombe and they were not helpful at all and told me to go and see my GP. I wasn’t expecting that response at all. I just want to know what other drugs are safe to take with the ones Dr Weaver told me to take. I have so many drugs and I don’t want to get it wrong. I call my GP and get an appointment with Dr Williams. He was the poor doctor on February 22nd who Steve and I demanded to know the results of the biopsy, he had to tell me it was cancer, poor thing. So I start getting ready and mom asks if the wine worked and I snap her head off saying that nothing seems to bloody work, my poor mom, I said sorry and she hugged me saying it doesn’t matter. Dealing with pain every minute of every hour of every day just wears you down. So I take a Tramadol to see if this helps.
Dr Williams remembers me and said that it was a hard thing to do back in February, to tell me I had cancer. He knows I’m stage 4 and looking at 12 – 18 months. He assures me that we can get the pain under control. He has told me to take 1 Tramadol and 2 paracetamol together and if that doesn’t work to take an extra Tramadol. He is shocked that I don’t have a Marie Currie cancer nurse for palliative care. This is about the 3rd time someone has been shocked that I haven”t got specialised help and he refers me again! I even contacted them myself but they only sent me leaflets, I have to say that I have not been impressed with the support for cancer sufferers. Oh and Jo we also discussed the Disabled badge thing and as soon as I can get to a photo booth to have a passport photo taken then I’ll complete the forms and the Doctor will support my application.
I return home and take more drugs, now I’ve lost the day to either being asleep or in pain. I take another Tramadol as I am not due to take painkillers until 4 pm to help take the edge off the pain but it doesn’t work and my mood is getting lower, How much pain can anyone constantly take? I don’t want to sleep all day and be like a zombie but I don’t want the pain either, again no choice as this bloody disease eats away at me.
I have done no work at all I nearly didn’t do today’s blog as I didn’t think I would be able to focus but a promise is a promise so I have started it. It does help me doing my blog and whilst this one maybe short it does detract my mind from the pain so I am also going to try to do some project work too and hope that I don’t make too many mistakes.
I get a text from Richard to say he has completed his first skydive and he loved it. He has also sent me a video of the jump. He has Jackie on his helmet as that’s his nickname in the army just in case any of you think he is a girl lol. I am very proud of him as I couldn’t do it.
Richard goes to California in November for a week to complete a course so that he is a qualified SkyDiver, it’s a hard life in the Army hey!
Thank you to Jay for being Steve’s lunch time partner today, as you have been on many occasions. Jay takes chemo for arthritis so he understands the side effects. Thanks also Jay for reading my blog.
My head keeps spinning so I’m going to leave you with a lovely poem I received for my birthday from my sister in law, bless her, thank you Sarah.
What is cancer? A poem just for Wendy.
Its more than just an illness, cancer is a thief,
Who comes in uninvited and causes untold grief.
It steals the plans that we all make, the dreams that we hold dear
And in its place it fills us all with endless hate and fear.
It needs no invitation, it does not care about
The destruction that it causes, of that I have no doubt
That we can still love and laugh and hope and thanks dear Rita pray
For memories last a life time and surely love endures
Long beyond an illness that as yet we cannot cure
And what comes from a barren land is beautiful to behold
How someone turns their suffering from darkness into gold
The tiredness is overwhelming, it’s all seems so unfair
So these few words are written to you with love and with support
These few words to make you smile when you are feeling distraught
Your spirit is so vibrant, burning brightly in the dark
Cancer cannot dull its shine or ever supress its spark.
Cancer cannot destroy the love that you have found
Or the inspiration that you bring to those who are around
If love could halt its progress, it would have left at speed
And realise this it’s not the place to satisfy its greed
If love could stop it in its tracks, if love could find a cure
Then love would have restored you back to health and find you well once more
But we who feels so helpless, we who fear defeat
We who lament that this is an enemy who’s impossible to beat
Should remember cancer cannot control everything in its way
To see that reaching out to help and looking out not in
Can help others to understand and help them to begin
To share this difficult journey, to support you and your cause
To raise much more than awareness and just take time to pause
To remember those who suffer, as life is cruel at times
And to wonder at the inspiration that people in fear can find
For Wendy I know you suffer and your pain is hard to bear
For you are more than a victim, you are an inspiration to us all
And for that you should stand proud, you should stand very tall xxxx