This last cycle of chemo has not been the best for me. Like others going through chemo it’s a mixture of balancing the side effects. The other night I forgot to tell you that I was sat drinking a cup of coffee in my dream machine, when all of a sudden there was a warm sensation in my fanny, not unpleasant. I suddenly realised that I had nodded off and spilled the whole thing down me. Mom to the rescue again and with the chair scrubbed down and me changed into clean clothes again I remained in the chair for hours drifting in and out of a chemo sleep, which is not like normal sleep, it’s not restful.
The fatigue is just so hard as is the thrush in my throat. You want to do things, I make plans of what I want to achieve every day. The old Wendy would have thrown herself into the list and cracked on, driving Steve mad with my energy and pace, my drive to complete a task, whatever it was. Then on to daily life where I’m just not being able to walk anywhere, stuck in a wheelchair if I do go out, relying on a walking stick to ease the pain out of my back whilst standing. It’s all so removed from the person I was. I reflect so much on how I took all of this for granted. My health, being normal, being able to plan things, looking to the future of a life filled with my loved ones and planning events with them. Last night Steve and I worked out that if this chemo works and I stay on it then Christmas day will fall on my good chemo week. Can you imagine how excited we both were just the thought of being able to taste and enjoy a Christmas family dinner with all the trimmings that we enjoy so much in our house? But will it be my last I wonder with a heavy heart? Because if this chemo doesn’t work then we are in trouble and we have to consider that fact. For now though I am looking forward to turkey and trimmings 🙂 my favourite day of the year. So Paulette I’m going to be your ‘Bean, the fighting machine’ and hope to have lots of Christmas days, as many as I can. This will not happen without going through chemo and just keep taking the drugs. No wonder 40% don’t complete chemo, but I will, I have to as without these drugs I think that I would not have survived this long.
When I go through these difficult days and my posts are short or I don’t thank people for sharing my posts it really upsets me. I often say how much it means to me that you all care so much but it really does help me. Yesterday I didn’t even look at my phone or computer for about 7 hours and when i did I had 61 emails of love pouring into my home and over 30 Facebook messages, wow. I’m so glad that I started my blog and reached out to the world. I remember talking about it with Emma at work about whether to do it or not. Where would I be without it I wonder now? I think I would be more alone, less connected and I would have definitely missed out on all the fun, friendship and love that it has been a platform for.
Now I as a mom can’t imagine what my mom is going through when she sees me going through these rough days. When your child is ill when they are young you are in control and you take the lead in their recovery. My mom bless her must be lost, I know I would be. Over the past two days I have spent some last hidden money on doing up my mom’s bedroom here at our house. She spends so much more time here now and I want her to feel comfortable and her bedroom a haven of peace through this madness of an illness. It’s been so hard to just go out and look at bed linen with her due to the fatigue etc. but I want to show my mom how much I care and appreciate her. Many of you mention her in your comments to me to pass on your love to her and she does read all my comments. So although she doesn’t do emotion I know she appreciates your support and thoughts. I can’t imagine losing a daughter so early on in life, my sister of course, then losing your mom, dad and then your husband, only to find out that your shit life hands you another bomb shell of terminal cancer for your only living relative. How many times did she, like me, like us all talk and dream of family times when as a young mom she looked into the future of grandchildren and a long happy life just sharing moments, family holidays and Christmases together. How cruel life can be sometimes, no wonder she doesn’t show emotion. Hence my need to make her feel welcome, happy and safe here when she comes to visit. I just hope that next week I get the M&S pension fund otherwise I’m completely broke and all my plans to make a difference to my life and my loved ones will be shattered. I sit here now since discovering the hot tub idea and dream that whenever I want to I could just go outside my back door and be weightless, pain free in no pain for just a short while and it keeps me going that I may have that one day.
Last night I slept for just over 2 hours 🙂 but at least I slept in a bed. Steve let me off taking the laxative drugs as he knows how sore my mouth is, how much I hate swallowing them and how much I hate being sick. We discussed this weekend that we could try to sleep together again in a bed. Wow something that we both miss so much however with my 2 hour sleep pattern and my scabby mouth it is not an attractive thought as now even gentle kisses on the lips are even out of the question. I don’t want him to get thrush on any area of is body, not that that has been on the menu for a long time but I hope you get what I mean.
So the first part of this post was written at about 4 am. I have had a mixed day. The legend Julie Murphy came to see me and I’m sorry that I didn’t get a photo of her, she tried my wig on and like so many who see it she loves it too. She has brought us a family game which we will be playing tonight 🙂
Julie left at about 3 pm as Nicky and my beautiful Goddaughter came for the weekend. Now within about an hour of Julie going and Nicky coming the back pain kicks in and I’m in agony again and have to hit the oral morphine, poor Nicky and Beth having to see me in this state, it just upsets me so much as I want to enjoy being with them, sharing precious moments.
Pain eventually eases and I can join in again for the evening 🙂
A special thank you to Julia, a dear friend and the Chief inspector who have been fund raising today for other causes but slipped me in too and they have raised over £70, just wow as every penny counts.
I want to thank Andrei for his lovely message today and his donation. I cried all morning and on and off since, what a fanny I have become hey lol.
Good luck to Peter Andre tonight as he has my support through his sharing of our ‘Cancer Free’ video, bless you Mr Andre and we are all behind you.
And finally my prayer list for my angel Rita: Karen, Frankie and my loved ones so they please have some peace and happiness as normal. To anyone who has lost a child for whatever reason. To all carers out there that look after people everyday without complaint but inside suffer so much. I hope that’s not too long a list Rita.
I may not get round to answering any messages tonight due to Nicky and Beth being here but if awake at 3.30 as normal I will be replying then so turn your phones off as I don’t want to wake you all up xxx
Hey Wendy
Xxx
Hey Grumpy Bum what’s up? Have you got your total fund raising for me or are you just being affectionate lol xxx
Well my sweet you touch my heart your the epitome of determination & bravery.
Your heart is so pure, throughout this your journey you have shown empathy to all sufferers of Cancer & other heartbreaking illnesses even though you have suffered so much and continue fighting through the pain and anguish that it brings.
Never give up hope my lovely, you are giving this testing time your everything and you deserve the additional years that this chemo can bring <3
You are an amazing Lady who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of all the overwhelming obstacles thrown in your path <3<3<3
So pleased you have friends to gather Daisies with this weekend, Enjoy my Darlin xxx
I will be all over your Candle & Prayer list tomorrow night my sweet that's a given X
Huge fluffy cloud hugs , big slobbery kisses and bucket loads of love to you always xxxxxxxxx
Hi my angel and sorry for the lack of contact I’ve beeen picking daisies with my longest mate and goddaughter, such precious moments 🙂 I even managed a vodka drink – wow hey!
thanks for the prayers as ever in church today, I will be thinking of you praying for us all. You are all our angels and I will squeeze every day, minute and second I can out of whatever time I have and be thankful for every moment.I’m a fighter and I will face this shit and I hope to be in the 9%, someone has to be but if I’m not then I am at peace with my life and the people who I love and have shared it with me.
Love the fluffy cloud hugs today, beautiful as even big fluffy clouds can bring joy xxx
Wendy you are such wonderful lady ,We are all fighting for you ,Hope you have a pain free weekend sending Big Hugs xx
Thanks for your hugs, having a lovely weekend and although the pain is always there it eases with smiles and laughter of having loved ones around you, prcious moments. Laughter and love should be on prescription as the best form of medicine I think hey xxxx
Hi Wendy that is such a lovely thing to do for you mum her own comfortable space to escape to when things get to much. You are always thinking of other even though you are going through so much. That is why i think you are an inspirational person that I am so proud to have you as a friend. I hope you have a lovely time with your family. Hopefully you will be able to get some sleep. Sending you and your family my love and hugs XXX
Hey – you only get one mom right and sadly you know the pain of losing yours as do so many people, I can’t imagine not talking to mine everyday, to not have that love. I’m sorry that you and others don’t have that, but you do have me as your friend and coffee time soon I think 🙂 we need a catch up girl xxx
Keep up the fight and the smile. We are all with you in spirit. We waved at Brummie on our way to Sutton Coldfield today so presumably we are no far from your home turf? Can you taste anything at all at the mo? What’s Steve’s favourite cake? There’s a WI competition to make a cake for the Queens 90th birthday next year. Only rule is that no part should edible, lol. Am contemplating a pottery one. Better not mix it up with the edible ones!
Thinking of you and prayers for all are said each night with an extra dose on Sunday’s. Love to Steve, Mum and Rebecca. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Hilary, you wer close to Steve’s home ground but not mine. I’m a ‘Black Country Girl’ but don’t worry I’ll explain next time I see you 🙂
cake you can’t eat???? confused, what’s the point in that?? I can taste sweet things lol – funny that hey or just lucky me lol but it passes you just have to put up with it for a few days and it has been worse this time due to the thrush.
We need to give this cake some serious thought – you need to win a prize 🙂 xxx
My beautiful Wendy, beautiful in so many ways, your thoughtfulness of others as you are going through the toughest part of your life, I don’t think your mom minds what her room Is like as long as she is there close to you, but you being you, you want to make it her special moms den, bless you for being you,
P.s. How’s your hair is it still ok,
Love to you as always, xxxxxxxxxxxx
If your reading this Judy, you have been through so much and still are with your loved ones, I’m sending you big hugs and kisses, no wiping them off you deserve them as I’ve heard that you don’t do feelings,
Hi Tammy, my hair is doing okay actually and although I think it’s thinning it seems to be holding it’s own for now but i really don’t care as living is all I care about about and if that’s without hair then so be it, you did it so and so can I – positive thinking hey 🙂 I hope you are impressed.
Thanks for the hugs and kisses to my mom as she will have read your comments, she reads them all but she doesn’t do showing of emotion, she will have appreciated your comments to her more than you will ever know.Thank you form me you lovely lady xxx
Awww….so wonderful to have done such a nice thing for your mom. You always have such empathy for others even when struggling with so much on your own shoulders. Your gentle reminders to relish each life moment and take nothing for granted have helped each one of us reading your blog. I’ve found myself saying “Wendy wouldn’t stand for this!” if I become grumpy or lazy and get off my a$$ and go do something instead. I’ve started putting my phone down and pay attention to my husband instead of “phubbing” him when he holds conversations. Calling my family and friends more often instead of waiting for them to call me. All reminders to pick daisies, for this I truly am thankful to you. xx
Oh wow Beverley that’s so fantastic to read, I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Too much time wasted around the people we love on shit that doesn’t matter whilst our loved ones just have to wait for us to finish whatever we think is urgent at that time as they are always there. How short sighted we can all be hey.
I’m going to get elected as President of love and demand No working on Sunday’s, Curfew time of at last one hour per day with no mobiles computers allowed at all, free ice creams for all once a week and free daisies in every garden to remind us all of beauty, new life and precious moments that can be others be just enjoying a simple flower. Job doe I think, now how do I become elected President again lol lol lol
Oh and all whinging, selfish, cruel nasty people have to go and spend a day nursing people through their last days or spend a day as a disabled person and then they can really focus on those who maybe deserve to moan but are brave and make the best of every moment – sorted again I think, now where is that candidates election form gone ha ha ha xxx
You’ve got my vote!! 🙂
Lovely thought for your mum Wendy…i cant believe the bad luck she has been dealt with over the years… sending a great big hug for Auntie Judy and thinking of her it must be so hard…also thoughts for Steve, Rebecca and Richard your lovely family….keep up the fight girl you are amazing..hope you get that pension sorted….lots of love xxxxx