This last cycle of chemo has not been the best for me. Like others going through chemo it’s a mixture of balancing the side effects. The other night I forgot to tell you that I was sat drinking a cup of coffee in my dream machine, when all of a sudden there was a warm sensation in my fanny, not unpleasant. I suddenly realised that I had nodded off and spilled the whole thing down me. Mom to the rescue again and with the chair scrubbed down and me changed into clean clothes again I remained in the chair for hours drifting in and out of a chemo sleep, which is not like normal sleep, it’s not restful.
The fatigue is just so hard as is the thrush in my throat. You want to do things, I make plans of what I want to achieve every day. The old Wendy would have thrown herself into the list and cracked on, driving Steve mad with my energy and pace, my drive to complete a task, whatever it was. Then on to daily life where I’m just not being able to walk anywhere, stuck in a wheelchair if I do go out, relying on a walking stick to ease the pain out of my back whilst standing. It’s all so removed from the person I was. I reflect so much on how I took all of this for granted. My health, being normal, being able to plan things, looking to the future of a life filled with my loved ones and planning events with them. Last night Steve and I worked out that if this chemo works and I stay on it then Christmas day will fall on my good chemo week. Can you imagine how excited we both were just the thought of being able to taste and enjoy a Christmas family dinner with all the trimmings that we enjoy so much in our house? But will it be my last I wonder with a heavy heart? Because if this chemo doesn’t work then we are in trouble and we have to consider that fact. For now though I am looking forward to turkey and trimmings 🙂 my favourite day of the year. So Paulette I’m going to be your ‘Bean, the fighting machine’ and hope to have lots of Christmas days, as many as I can. This will not happen without going through chemo and just keep taking the drugs. No wonder 40% don’t complete chemo, but I will, I have to as without these drugs I think that I would not have survived this long.
When I go through these difficult days and my posts are short or I don’t thank people for sharing my posts it really upsets me. I often say how much it means to me that you all care so much but it really does help me. Yesterday I didn’t even look at my phone or computer for about 7 hours and when i did I had 61 emails of love pouring into my home and over 30 Facebook messages, wow. I’m so glad that I started my blog and reached out to the world. I remember talking about it with Emma at work about whether to do it or not. Where would I be without it I wonder now? I think I would be more alone, less connected and I would have definitely missed out on all the fun, friendship and love that it has been a platform for.
Now I as a mom can’t imagine what my mom is going through when she sees me going through these rough days. When your child is ill when they are young you are in control and you take the lead in their recovery. My mom bless her must be lost, I know I would be. Over the past two days I have spent some last hidden money on doing up my mom’s bedroom here at our house. She spends so much more time here now and I want her to feel comfortable and her bedroom a haven of peace through this madness of an illness. It’s been so hard to just go out and look at bed linen with her due to the fatigue etc. but I want to show my mom how much I care and appreciate her. Many of you mention her in your comments to me to pass on your love to her and she does read all my comments. So although she doesn’t do emotion I know she appreciates your support and thoughts. I can’t imagine losing a daughter so early on in life, my sister of course, then losing your mom, dad and then your husband, only to find out that your shit life hands you another bomb shell of terminal cancer for your only living relative. How many times did she, like me, like us all talk and dream of family times when as a young mom she looked into the future of grandchildren and a long happy life just sharing moments, family holidays and Christmases together. How cruel life can be sometimes, no wonder she doesn’t show emotion. Hence my need to make her feel welcome, happy and safe here when she comes to visit. I just hope that next week I get the M&S pension fund otherwise I’m completely broke and all my plans to make a difference to my life and my loved ones will be shattered. I sit here now since discovering the hot tub idea and dream that whenever I want to I could just go outside my back door and be weightless, pain free in no pain for just a short while and it keeps me going that I may have that one day.
Last night I slept for just over 2 hours 🙂 but at least I slept in a bed. Steve let me off taking the laxative drugs as he knows how sore my mouth is, how much I hate swallowing them and how much I hate being sick. We discussed this weekend that we could try to sleep together again in a bed. Wow something that we both miss so much however with my 2 hour sleep pattern and my scabby mouth it is not an attractive thought as now even gentle kisses on the lips are even out of the question. I don’t want him to get thrush on any area of is body, not that that has been on the menu for a long time but I hope you get what I mean.
So the first part of this post was written at about 4 am. I have had a mixed day. The legend Julie Murphy came to see me and I’m sorry that I didn’t get a photo of her, she tried my wig on and like so many who see it she loves it too. She has brought us a family game which we will be playing tonight 🙂
Julie left at about 3 pm as Nicky and my beautiful Goddaughter came for the weekend. Now within about an hour of Julie going and Nicky coming the back pain kicks in and I’m in agony again and have to hit the oral morphine, poor Nicky and Beth having to see me in this state, it just upsets me so much as I want to enjoy being with them, sharing precious moments.
Pain eventually eases and I can join in again for the evening 🙂
A special thank you to Julia, a dear friend and the Chief inspector who have been fund raising today for other causes but slipped me in too and they have raised over £70, just wow as every penny counts.
I want to thank Andrei for his lovely message today and his donation. I cried all morning and on and off since, what a fanny I have become hey lol.
Good luck to Peter Andre tonight as he has my support through his sharing of our ‘Cancer Free’ video, bless you Mr Andre and we are all behind you.
And finally my prayer list for my angel Rita: Karen, Frankie and my loved ones so they please have some peace and happiness as normal. To anyone who has lost a child for whatever reason. To all carers out there that look after people everyday without complaint but inside suffer so much. I hope that’s not too long a list Rita.
I may not get round to answering any messages tonight due to Nicky and Beth being here but if awake at 3.30 as normal I will be replying then so turn your phones off as I don’t want to wake you all up xxx