Oh Dear!

So I had great plans for today but the trouble with life and plans is that they don’t seem to work out the way you want them to do they?

So last night Steve went up to bed at around 12.45 following a long trip to the Midlands to visit family. I stayed up to see him and to make sure he got home okay however I would have not have gone to bed anyway without knowing he was home.

Ian Morton a great dear family friend popped round to see me whilst Steve was out but with fatigue and chemo mouth I just wasn’t great company, sorry Ian. It was lovely to see him and just chat together but I always feel sad that I upset people that knew the fun lovely, energetic woman that I was and the mess I have turned into.

So with just two lots of drugs to take and everyone in bed I try to take the laxatives with is a drink, this just wouldn’t stay down and my mouth/face turned into a water fountain for a few minutes, trying to hold onto the liquid whilst my body wretched to reject it. Eventually  after sitting for about half an hour I felt better and tried to take the tablets. This took 3 attempts as I kept being sick, now I haven’t been eating much due to chemo mouth and so it’s just bile again. So now I am stuck downstairs covered in sick, unable to get to fresh clothes as everyone is  asleep upstairs and I am feeling pretty low as you can imagine.

I remove the sick clothes and sit again waiting for my stomach to calm down. I go to bed at a 2.15 am and I am hoping that I will now sleep until at least 5 am but no I’m up at 4 am, just 1 1/2 hours sleep. I decide to just throw myself into finishing the final stores’ project work as I have to wait to take drugs in the mornings and just have to put up with the pain until 6 am. All work completed and an email with the last 3 stores goes off to my boss around 6.30 am, he must have thought I’d worked all night.

The day starts and my mouth is just so sore all the time and swallowing is difficult. I go to clean my teeth for the second time and then remember the Ian Rennie nurses warning about thrush so after brushing I lift up my gum line to find a terrible covering of white thrush which I haven’t noticed at all as none of this is on the visible part of your mouth. No wonder I was in pain and that must be what is wrong with my throat too. I return down stairs to share my discovery, and mom and Steve both feel bad as we never clicked that it was that we all just thought it was chemo mouth as usual. Drugs have now started as Ian Rennie organised a prescription, bless them they are wonderful and so I’m hoping for that to get better soon.

I wanted to do the calendar reveal today but this will have to be next week now as final sponsor checks are being done. Apologias to you all. Steve has worked so hard on this and we are almost there I promise you and by next week you will be able to pre -order your very own exclusive copy, trust me they are good and worth £7 for the laugh, the info inside and the cheeky bums.

I have suffered with fatigue all day too and I just get so sad and fed up of feeling ill. I was trying to cook some soup earlier and I just had to put my head on Steve’s body and sob, just for a moment, it’s just despair and self pity as I want to feel well again. I look back at things I could do a month ago or two months ago and wonder why I can’t go back there? I wonder how much daily pain and suffering do I have to take. The truth is I have to take whatever I have too to fight this shit disease and to help reach out to others and stay with my loved ones for as long as I can.

Thanks Kim for my card and daisy gift which I received in a daisy card, so sweet the gifts I get, thank you all so much.

So not the day I wanted or planned and certainly not the day I had wanted my loved ones to see again. I am glad I could spare them the sickness but not you guys, you lot are special, you get it all ‘warts and all’ but unless I talk about what chemo is really like, how will others really know?

So happy Friday and I hope that you all have something wonderful planned for the weekend. I will try to post tomorrow for you all but a more interesting one would be nice hey? Something cheery so I’ll have a think for you all.

Sorry again for the short post xx

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Married to Steve, I have two children - Rebecca and Richard. Steve has two children, Lauren and Chris. Rebecca lives with us (nurse Rebecca) and my mom Judy also has become nurse and housekeeper but lives in the West Midlands. My son is in the Army and comes home when he can. I am 47, born in 1967 and I was told I had bowel cancer on 22nd Feb 2015 and this blog is my journey through it. I hope it helps you as you were the reason I started it.

28 thoughts on “Oh Dear!”

  1. Sorry you’re having an awful few days again mate. Hopefully we can cheer you up tomorrow !!! Loads of love to you all. See you very soon. Xxx

    1. Looking forward to having you around for the weekend again with the beautiful, Beth too, how can anyone be low with you twp in my life for two days 🙂 xxx

  2. Oh deary me, life’s SHIT isn’t it? So let me take your mind off it by telling you about my evening last night. Believe you me, you’ll be glad you can’t taste anything.

    I went to a WI meeting at which we had a chocolateer speaking (predictive text hated that word!). We learnt a little of its history such as women weren’t allowed to taste it to start with because they thought it was an aphrodisiac. Men were allowed it but the mere idea that women might want sex was a subject not to be mentioned! Anyway, we also learnt that you should only call something “chocolate” if it contains 70% or more of the stuff. So Cadburys Dairy Milk is confectionary being mainly sugar and ditto bout vile (predictive text, lol, Bournville!!). So now we get to taste the stuff. Rather bitter but you could taste the difference depending on the country of origin much like you can taste the difference between wines. Practice makes perfect of course! The good news is that proper chocolate is good for you. It improves circulation, reduces high blood pressure and helps with diabetes. The bad news is that it’s rather bitter. She did warn us before we tried the 100% chocolate but I hand to try it. UGH, DISGUSTING!!! I have never tasted anything so bitter in my life! So that’s what we do in WI!! Be glad you can’t taste 100% chocolate!

    We’ll be offline for a bit but back in circulation on Monday and we’ll arrange to drop by. Meanwhile, if you’re up to it, look up Burnham Beeches. Parts of it are wheelchair friendly and the woods are beautiful. Just make sure you turn left behind the cafe as it’s flatter that way. Straight on/right has a steep hill.

    1. Lovely to hear from you and your lovely story of 100% chocolate, which proves that adding sugar is good I think, I love dark chocolate, Bournville was is always a favourite and it’s links with the Midlands. I can’t believe that Cadbury’s is now owned by an America firm, it just seems so wrong.

      I’ve been to Burham Beeches before it’s lovely there and has the all important loos’s if needed with a cafe 🙂 so it’s worth going again as a disabled person. It’s the not being normal I miss so much.

      Look forward to seeing you soon 🙂 lots of love to you both xxx

  3. Dear old Wendy!
    I came out of the wonderful Wycombe Hospital yesterday having had my op on Tuesday – which today proved to be very successful, and today the living room was still a mess when granddaughter Cecilia brought along her friend Rosy.
    So we talked about the conference. It is so important to have a project when you are under the weather, and your project sounds as though it will be appreciated for a long time. If you have the energy to type in http://www.canwomencoolit.org.uk you can read all about it. Cecilia and Rosy thought all the Wycombe High school girls will be interested to join in on line if not come. And I hope you can be there watching by webinar as will many around the world. You can participate by tweeting or sending an email, and between 1 and 3pm comments will be taken from the webinar participants. These, with the proceedings of the day, will be added to an e-book which I am assured will be out within 2 weeks of the conference! (I can’t quite believe it)
    Eric asked me how it was going today – he is so frail! – and I told him that tickets are selling quite well, so he is pleased.
    Can you tell us a bit about your project? Or is it TOP SECRET!!!?
    Much love

    1. Hi Frances,
      So glad your operation went ell and I hope that your project is a success. It is so important to keep focused and you understand that. Please give Eric my love for me as he is so lovely. Do you remember him playing the piano down the phone to me to cheer me up, bless him. I will try to remember your special date and log on but chemo week is an odd week with fatigue being so hard to bare as well as all the other side effects of the poison and the extra drugs I take. How did I get to be in this mess hey?
      Anyway lots of love to you xxx

    1. Thanks you, it’s still next to me on my table as I haven’t put it with the other daisy soft furnishings yet. Very thoughtful of you, thank you so much, it’s appreciated.
      Lots of love xxx

  4. Hi Wendy so sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I hope you can manage to get some sleep tonight then hopefully you will feel a bit better tomorrow. You must be ready please you finished your project work as I know how much it means to you to be working and helping all of us at BHS. Lets hope Daisy Den arrives soon. If you don’t feel up to writing much or anything we all understand so you don’t have to say sorry. Praying that you have a better night and sending you gentle hugs XXX

    1. Hi Mary,
      Yes I’m so pleased I have finally finished the project work but sad too as it has been a big piece of my life for a few months and now I need a new project so that I can continue to feel part of the team, to contribute. Thank you for your prayers and love, they mean so much to me everyday xxx

  5. Ugh..throat thrush…I’ve had it and its horrid topped off with chronic fatigue that’s just sh1t on top of everything..unbelievable how debilitating it is. Sending you gentle hugs and wishing/praying you start ti improve asap.
    On a positive note I have a definite calendar sale…yay…I’ll be buying a few at a time and hawking them around to networking groups I belong to and fir those not wanting to buy the calendar it’ll be a pound a peep…watch out Isle of Wight I’m Wends official representative and her secret ‘biscuit’ agent and I’m on a mission…you’ve been warned!
    Now I’ve publically announced my mission I’m accoutable to your 55,000 blog readers. ..yikes no pressure!
    Woman on a Mission!
    Love to all xxx

    1. Hi there special agent IOW, Glad you have a sale and love the support form over their but things are going to get more interesting for you lot over there, all will be relieved soon I promise.
      Glad to hear (well not glad) that someone knows what it’s like to have throat thrush, I feel silly that I didn’t notice it before it was too late. On top of all the other side effects it’s just been horrible and so painful, so thanks for sharing that with me. Oh and it’s now 70,293 blog readers!!! xxx

        1. LOL Exactly – no pressure my IOW secret biscuit agent – new orders to follow soon. Bloody hell I feel like Busby in Charlie’s Angels lol lol xxx

    1. It’s okay I’ll get over it and better days will come, at least I’m not mega depressed like I was in the last cycle I had. Love to you all and thanks for caring so much xx

  6. I just don’t know what yo say to you Wendy, just bloody shitty effin ell, it’s just not fare is it, it must be hard for you, just keep positive my sweet, I know you’re going to get down its only natural, but just think about your den and I’m thinking your gonna have to have your dream machine in there also a coffee machine, a tin off biscuits and of cause a pack of fags, you’ll be set up then,
    This time next week the chemo will have worn off a little, hopefully the drugs for the pain might be better too, loves you as always, xxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Hi Tammy, your positive words and list of some of my favourite things made me smile. I am blessed by having such wonderful people supporting me and of course I’m lucky that I have so much to look forward to. I’m going to call and check on Daisy Den’s progress next week. I can’t wait to decorate it in all the lovely things I have received and got for it, my own den. You need to get a phone line in your ‘She Shed’ and we can chat away, how cool would that be hey xxx

        1. Please do, a she to she hot shed line is just what I need in my life 🙂 excited for it to arrive but it maybe another 2 weeks yet, plus we then have to build it and paint it, but it will be here soon and I just have to be patient – I’m no good at patient lol xx

  7. Oh Wendy I am so sorry you are feeling proper poorly. I’m tearing up just reading about it. There’s nothing like being sick to make you feel wretched but bring in pain and hardly sleeping I just cannot imagine. It sounds unbearable. I truly feel for you my love. I hope the night is kind to you & you get some decent sleep. No need to reply as long as you know I care very much xx

    1. HI Lizzie, thank you so much for your comments as I get so much strength from knowing people care so much about me. I don’t like making people sad it hurts me but I have to tell it like it is and not it’s not pleasant at all but you have to have the bad to appreciate the good. Thank you so much for caring about me xxx

  8. Hi Wendy, so sorry you are in so much discomfort. Wish I could give you, Steve and family a big hug. There are no words or jestures that make this situation better. Draw strength in that you are loved and supported by people that surround you xx

    1. Hi Ann, I draw so much strength from all the love I receive everyday, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it all. Your hugs for us all have been received and appreciated. It will get better soon I know it will and the mouth is feeling better already 🙂 xxx

  9. Sending you all my Love my Darling <3<3<3
    Just concentrate on getting through this xxx
    Devastated at this news , we need high days to follow to get you a well deserved break from all the pain <3<3<3

    Hugs & Kisses winging their way to you Always X

    1. HI My angel, we defo do need better days and I still hold on the the Ireland trip and other things I want to do when I am down. So much fun are we going to have when we finally get to go, and we will I know we will sit in Frankie’s kitchen and enjoy the love of your family.
      Your love and prayers everyday keep me strong, but always make me fill up with tears xxx

    1. Loving the hugs form across the pond, thank you for them and still reading about me journey on the blog. Every share, every new reader may just draw something from my words to help them or others and one day we may just all make a difference to someone else’s life for the better xxx

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