You lot just amaze me, your love and support flows through the internet into my home everyday. What’s that poem and song? ‘Footprints in the Sand’ the song is by Leonia Lewis, I love the song, it’s one of my favourites. Beverley from America yesterday in her comment on the blog says that you all want to be my ‘net for when I need to be held’ well you all did it as I feel better today. I love comments left on my blog as I and others can read them, remember them too as they will always be there, a timeline of love and support.
Last night my BFF Leanne was not going to take no for an answer and as she was passing on the way back from a meeting in Telford she popped in for 1/2 hour to see me. I didn’t want her to see me so down and I cried on her too, well I did warn her yesterday when she asked if she could come and see me, I did try to put her off. I cry saying I’m sorry and my face/eyes burn as the tears flow but she doesn’t care and she hugs me trying to take all the pain and hurt away. I manage to walk her to her car and watch her leave again but glad of the 1/2 hour together. I worry about her getting home and the M25 traffic as I know how shit it is, well I did it everyday for four years just to be with my team. Oh my team, how I miss you all everyday. That management meal out together just 7 months ago when we were all just focused on getting straight after peak trading and what the next fun project would be, how we could raise money for charities, train new staff and just be the best we can be, our BHS family.
So last night still feeling shit but a little better we decide that curfew time should be a ‘Pink Panther’ film as Rebecca hasn’t ever seen them and it came up whilst mom and Rebecca took Molly out for her daily walk as I can just about walk around the house at a push. Pleasant childhood memories of those films and Inspector Clouseau but the one Steve paid for was from the 60’s and shocking to watch as the film industry has moved on so much, it wasn’t even one I remembered ever seeing, the internet was so slow and we all had ‘buffer face’ for a while and then just gave up. Life just doesn’t always work out the way you want it to sometimes hey! I left Steve and Rebecca to play Mariokart together as they love that and they enjoy playing it so much. I go to work on my surprise for you all, it’s nearly ready.
It’s now 1 am and the pain in by back and groin just isn’t funny. Karen an old school friend sent me a nagging message yesterday about how I need to get my pain under control and Steve always nags me too. So the plan is to take painkillers now and then sleep at around 2 pm. I take them and start to gag, I’m sick and I hang around the sink for about 10 minutes feeling flushed, retching and sweaty. I don’t panic about throwing up the chemo tablets as it’s been over 6 hours since I took them so that should be okay and no need to raise alarms as you are supposed to report sickness. I sit still and wait for it to pass. I go to bed trying not to be sick again whilst brushing my teeth, hanging on to hope that tomorrow will be better. I wake at 6 am as normal, 4 hours sleep and I feel so much better, almost chemo cycle normal, I even greet Steve with a smile this morning. He needs to have me back, he needs to see me return to myself as does my mom and Rebecca.
So living the dream, what’s that all about hey? Whilst feeling low yesterday I thought about my sister, Julie. We had so many dreams centred around horses as we grew up together. We wanted to run our own horse riding stables. Where of course horse riding would be free for all kids lol. The biggest dream we ever had was one that never came true and that was one day we would gallop together through the sea. I would dream about this for years, but the years past and we never did it. I however did gallop through the sea on my 40th birthday in France on holiday, thanks to Steve for making my dream come true.
Dreams and hopes can be used as either ‘I never got to bloody do that’ bitterness creeps in or you can say ‘I did this for us, we may not have been together but I did it for us’ Praying is another problem as we believe that may help us solve problems, take away fear and bring comfort to us. I said to mom the other day I remember when dad was dying, praying to god that I would be good forever if he just made my dad better, no wonder he died as there was no way that I could ever keep that promise lol and God knows it. So when all is said and done, like it or not you and I are living the dream everyday. It may not feel good sometimes but those dark days are just there to fill in the blanks between the precious bits and to make us stronger.
Gosh I’m rambling today, sorry. Well Richard returns home today and it will be lovely to have him home again, my boy 🙂 and I’m glad he has missed the worst of the side effects of chemo. I’m going to finish your surprise to make you all smile again, I hope. But I will need your help on that again too so more coming soon….
Oh by the way we have now just gone over 20,000 hits on the blog in just 2 months, wow and I couldn’t have done it without you all, so thank you all so much. I have also received two messages from Beating Bowel Cancer to say thank you for the funds you raised for me :-), very proud.
This is a short post as I just wanted you to know that I’m okay and your surprise is now ready and will be posted up tonight at around 9 pm, that’s if Steve finally gets the internet working and it’s all been edited and scrutinised about 100 times, but your all worth it 🙂 xx