Help!

Last night to relieve the pain Steve suggested I have a bath. Loads of bubbles and music playing  in the background I lay in the bath and for a while there was very little pain, probably cos the water was so hot, almost volcanic! As I lay there Steve sat and talked to me and it was just lovely, water can be so soothing.

We had planned curfew time, Rebecca wanted to watch ’60 years of ITV’ so in P-jams we sat at 9 pm to watch it on catch up. The pain just won’t stop and started to build to acute pain, there was no let up at all. It didn’t matter what position I was in it ragged and ragged through my body. The pain was so intense I had been taking painkillers every hour. By 10 pm I hit the morphine, this didn’t work either, it was only a small dose as it made me sick before but Steve and I were out of options. By 11 pm I could take more painkillers, they didn’t work either so back to the morphine we went. I was drowsy now but still in acute pain. As Steve had work the next day he needed sleep but he didn’t want to leave me so I agreed to go to bed to see if I could sleep. I just can’t articulate how bad the pain was for 4 hours. My body had had enough, my mental ability to continue to cope like this was at breaking point and if I had the option I would have loved someone to just put me out of my misery, they would if I was a dog. So many times I just wanted to cry but I didn’t. I didn’t want Rebecca to see me like this at all, I could see the worry in both her and Steve. We just had to hang on until I could get to the doctors in the morning.

I managed to sleep until 4.30 when again the pain woke me up. I struggled downstairs, straight to the painkillers. Animals fed, coffee, 1/2 biscuit and a fag plus my hot water bottles and I sit and the pain continues to build again. I don’t want to take morphine without Steve being around. So I struggle on trying to cope, I try mind over matter, breathing through it but nothing works. Once daylight starts to break I move into my chemo gazebo to rest and hopefully bring some relief. It starts to rain just to add to the misery of the last 24 hours and continues to rain but I don’t move and Tia the ungrateful rescued cat takes shelter with me. The photo attached was taken the other morning but I thought I’d use it otherwise there would be no photo in today’s post. I know Steve has set his alarm for 7.30 and I am now checking my watch every 10 minutes hoping he will wake, I need help, I can’t stand it anymore.

Steve eventually wakes, I wanted to cry out loud “help me, please get somebody, anybody to help me” but I don’t I take more painkillers and Steve gives me more morphine. I was supposed to go to the dentist this morning at 8.30 but there is no way I would be able to go so Steve cancels the appointment and phones the doctors. Appointment made for 9.20. When you are in so much pain every sound or movement around you is felt. Every time Steve coughed or walked by me it travels through my body and I feel every wave of movement by him.

I manage to crawl upstairs to get dressed and the drive to the doctors was okay and bearable.  Steve drops me at the doctors’ door and goes to park the car. I hobble in with the aid of my stick and check in. Steve joins me and we are called through. Once sat in the chair with the doctor I just cry, through tears I say “we need help.” The doctor says that she can see that. She has given me stronger painkillers and given Steve lots of advice on morphine and the doses I can take. She is also shocked that I haven’t had any support or contact at all. She pulled up the referral form sent the previous Thursday and says that she will call them to get me some help, nothing yet!

We go straight to the pharmacy to collect my new drugs but all this makes Steve slightly late signing in for work. I am so glad that Steve can work from home and that his employers are so supportive and understanding but being late just adds another layer of pressure and strain to my hubby. My poor loved ones see so much pain and suffering and I know this is tearing them apart as they just want to help and take it all away for me.

Back home I take the stronger pain killers and go to rest in my chemo gazebo. I sleep, finally sleep. Molly wakes me as she is restless and it’s her normal walking time but I can’t take her. Steve is on his lunch break, after a coffee together he can see I need more sleep and leaves me. As he kisses me I cry, I can’t help it I just long to be normal to be part of life again without pain. I sleep again and wake to Amanda calling me following my email to her. I ask for 20 minutes to just wake up and have a coffee which she agrees too. More painkillers as I am again in pain, a coffee and a fag later she calls again.

Amanda as always is so supportive, I am truly blessed to be part of BHS where I can’t fault their support and caring for me. Amanda has been on this journey with me from the early stages and weekly calls for updates has been a constant form of BHS’s commitment to look after me in whatever way they can. Amanda tells me that I don’t have to work and I can be signed off sick, something that Doctor Williams suggested last week but my answer will always be NO as it’s so important to me to contribute in anyway I can. Amanda knows how important work is too me, to feel I’m still a valid member of the team that she agrees to let me continue with my project work, thanks Amanda.

So you can tell how bad I’ve been as I haven’t answered comments or many messages at all. I’m sorry and now that I have stronger drugs I will catch up with the backlog. I am grateful for everyone love and support, it means so much to me. Plus all the naked bum offers for the calendar.

I did have an email from Frankie last night as I have been worried about her, no contact for over a week but I’m pleased to tell you that she is okay, she has coped with her last chemo cycle without ending up in hospital. She is suffering with side effects but coping, Rita’s prayers are working 🙂

Taking of Rita she is coming to see me tomorrow and I’m so excited, I may just cry all over her but it will be so lovely to see her. Mr Grey may also pop in and also Elaine from work. I was yesterday thinking I would have to cancel her as I wouldn’t want her or anyone to see me in a state but armed with new stronger drugs I am confident that I’ll be okay.

So apologies for the lack of contact, thank you all for caring and I will get through this shit but only through the love that I have from hubby, family and friends that I know are all rooting for me.

#squirrelgate – there has been no sightings today and Steve wants to set up a camera to film them as he reckons that sort of film footage would definitely go viral, not my naked bum and a great song but a squirrel nicking Molly’s balls would, funny old world hey!

Thanks to the donations from Emma from BHS Isle of Wight, the all the anonymous ones and a special thanks to Robert Bradley would donated £50. I worked with Robert in the 80’s and we have always kept in touch, just a Christmas Card every year and once Steve and I managed to visit him as we were at a political conference near Leeds and was able to pop in. All those years of friendship from a distance but never forgotten, thanks Robert.

And finally the ‘Stud Muffin’ himself has landed back in England 🙂 welcome back Peter if only for a few weeks and I hope to see you soon as you are always welcome but I may cry, #just saying xxx