So after a good afternoon of sleep and being pain free, Steve finally has his wife back, well not all of me as we still find hugs hard, he has become very fond of ankle stroking as they don’t hurt. My left leg and right arm are okay and there is always my tits as they are cancer free but apart from those areas everything else is either sore or swollen.
Rebecca had been at work all day so she didn’t want to do curfew time and that’s okay. Steve and I enjoy watching a 1/2 hour funny and a game of MarioKart, I lost as normal. Now that I feel better I would love a beer but no alcohol on the new drugs so it’s lemonade and lime for me at 10 pm which we always used to call beer time.
After curfew time I try to catch up with messages from you all and it make me sad when I read that I’ve made you all sad. I never thought that anyone would be interested in reading my journey but so many of you not only read it but feel the pain too, thank you. I receive a donation from Simon Moss part of the BHS head office team, thank you Simon and it’s appreciated so much by me and the charity.
Now I told you that I work for an amazing company and look what Jacqui has done for me and this has been sent company wide. It brought tears as I read it. Hubby thinks it’s wonderful too. I know that Mr Muscles, Mr Bottom or HRH would have had to approve this going out to the entire company so a massive thank you to you too. As it’s in a PDF format to read the text you just have to click on the image below.
So after a call from Nicky last night I take my final drugs for the day and head off to bed with Steve. Going to bed together is something we don’t do often and it’s so lovely. We cuddle gently and Steve is a constant source of love and support, I can discuss anything with him no matter how difficult the subject, my soul mate, the other half of me. He won’t sleep until he knows I’m asleep so lights out and I’m hoping for rest but no my body decides that’s not for me, bloody thing! The old ragging pain returns in my back, in my hip and down my leg.You bastard I think to myself, I’ve been fine all day, I’ve taken painkillers so why now? Why start again now? I can’t even lie in the bed it’s so painful. So at 1.30 am we are back downstairs for morphine and Linda’s pink fluffy hot water bottle. I record the dosage in my book and we head off back to bed. Steve is worried I know he is, he knows we are running out of options and I’m dreading the next round of chemo. He will always be there for me but the constant worry, being my nurse and drugs lord isn’t easy on him. We go back to bed and I tell him to sleep but he won’t and can’t rest, worry is a terrible thing that solves nothing. He whispers that he wishes he could take it all away for me and I actually just want to cry but this won’t help either of us so instead I just say “I know” we exchange “love you” and I pray for sleep to come not just for me but for him too.
At 5 am I’m awake again with pain. Tia the ungrateful cat is upset as 5 am is a lie in for me and she wants her breakfast. So animals fed, painkillers, 1/2 biscuit, coffee and a fag later I wait for the pain to ease. This reminds me, Jane when she visited the other day asked if the 1/2 biscuit was a healthy one? Gosh no way, me healthy? It’s always a biscuit of chocolate of some sort, this week I have two selection boxes to get through following BFF’s visit with her mom. Oh and there is always the Celebrations they brought too if I run out of biscuits. It plays on my mind that underneath all these painkillers the ragging pain is there, what is the bloody cancer doing to my body inside? It worries me as I feel new areas of pain now and I wonder why this is, is it he cancer in my organs or is it just the tumours growing and pressing on different nerves?
Rita was due at 10 am but due to traffic she now said she would be with us for 11 am so Steve and I had a sausage sandwich, lovely. Just before 11 am the door bell went and there she was, to all of you and me known as my angel. I opened the door and although I said I wouldn’t cry I did as I was just so pleased to see her. I think it would have been September BHS conference last year when we last saw each other (and slept together 😉 # justsaying! Reet Petite the finest girl you ever wanna meet was with us. Travelled for hours on a day’s holiday just to be with us, bless her. She brought wine, flowers and chocolates which I’m grateful for but not as grateful as for her just being her in our home.
A quick cup of tea and off we go to the hospital for my PICC line to be inserted. I put on the gown of shame and she shamelessly laughs at me and takes photo’s. I was shocked that the procedure would take about 40 minutes and worry about Rita waiting for me. I lie on the bed where Simon and his wonderful team do their stuff. I was worried about having this done but I didn’t feel a thing at all apart from the sedative going into my arm. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to smoke afterwards if my arm was numb but it was fine. As it was being done and I lay still I wanted to cry but I didn’t and Rita being there to make me laugh just helped me so much, thank you Rita for being with me today. The PICC line goes into the main arteries in your chest through a line just above your elbow. Simon said that he wanted it in my right arm due to the tumours in the left hand side of my neck. I asked if he had seen my scans and was he impressed with my tumours? To which he replied “I’ve seen bigger” bless him. Finally it’s all done and I return to Rita and get out of the gown of shame.
We returned home and I made Rita a salad for lunch, I did tell her that healthy food wasn’t any good for her but she is determined to loose another 2 stones for her own health reasons. We talked and talked, I could listen to her talk all day with her beautiful accent, wonderful stories and funny sayings. We exchanged the experience of losing people: her brother Liam, her mom and dad. What a wonderful childhood she must have had with 8 siblings in a close community in Ireland. She brought a donation for me from her sister Heather of £20. Thank you so much Heather it’s appreciated so much.
After hours of enjoy each others company she had to go, it’s a long journey and as ever I needed my sleep. I wept before she went I couldn’t help it. she has been such a comfort to me and my family over these past months. Rita remained strong and said that she would until she left us. I’ve just had a message from Rita to say that she is home safely and that she cried half way home. Bless you my angel.
All too soon she was gone, we waved her off and wished her a safe journey. I returned to my chemo gazebo and within minutes I’m asleep, only to be woken at 6 pm by Steve as Mr Grey and Elaine are due about 6.30. So I’ll leave you all there and update you with Mr Grey and Elaine tomorrow.
Happy Birthday to our nephew James, hope you had a great day.
Thank you Leah for my lovely daisy pin badge it arrived in today’s mail, love it 🙂 xx
Karen started her chemo cycle today and sending you big loves my chemo buddy and I hope to see you soon xx
Thank you sister in law Helen for tweeting McMillan, she did this as she was so angry. I have to report yet another day has past and still no contact from anyone even after 4 referrals and a GP follow up call. One of my comments last night left on the blog said that last year they received £215 million pounds in donations last year! wow that’s an amazing amount. They are at the end of the day only a charity and the NHS should have it’s own cancer nurses but you have to wonder where are they all?
No squirrel sightings today as I think Molly has frightened them off her remaining balls lol
Have a great evening and I will catch up with you all tomorrow as I’m off to pick more daises with Mr Grey and Elaine 🙂