I managed to catch up on all your lovely comments left on the blog from over the weekend, 83 emails and over 50 Facebook messages all filled with love and support which I really appreciate, so thank you all so very much. Some of which really touched me. Mr Grumpy Bum, thank you. Michelle thank you for supporting Steve. Paulette you really understand my love of you all and how important the blog is too me. Tracy who is on holiday who should be swimming naked and not worrying about me at all. All my family and close friends who show unending love and support. Plus my BHS family including the very special Mary Poppins. I also loved Tony’s message which just repeated the word ‘fuck’ this made me laugh and although rude sometimes there are only a few words that can express anger and ‘fuck’ really does fit some situations in terms of expression.
All this takes me until 1.30 am and with the last day’s drugs taken I head off to bed, hoping to sleep for at least 4 hours, but no awake again at 4.50 am with the pain. So the usual routine of animals fed, coffee, 1/2 a biscuit and a fag, you all know the drill and by 6 am I start work, my project work. Two hours later and I have finished Harrow’s peak planning, now I’m chuffed with myself but as Steve is due to start work at 8 am and I’ve just done two hours concentrating I now need sleep so it was the briefest of morning greetings and then sleep again for me.
I wake and I’m starving, the chemo slime mouth is easier today so I even cook breakfast, the works, bacon, sausage, hash browns, grilled tomatoes and baked beans for Steve too (evil food, baked beans). I feel okay and happiness has returned to the house. Steve is happier and always says that his mood is linked to mine and if I’m down he is down. Steve says that he understands my down days and it’s a real known side effect of chemo but I must not give up as if it was him, he would take anything and any drug just to spend one more day with me, how lovely is that! Bless him, plus he reminds me that no insurance will pay out on suicide so for the sake of my loved ones and my kids this option is now gone forever.
Mom returned to us yesterday and she was unsure of how she would find me in terms of mood. Last night we chatted about depression before Rebecca returned from her dad’s. I told my mom that I’m not depressed, suicidal maybe sometimes but I’m not depressed. Mom is relieved that my mood has lifted. We have a very open discussion about my quality of life and my prognosis and Mom understands me in terms of I’m not living. The active full of energy, married mother holding down a full time job has gone and replaced by a woman who relies on others for everything. She can see how this disease is eating away at me as Steve can. It can take my body but I’m not letting it take my spirit and so I’ll bloody well keep going for as long as I can. Being down would mean that it was winning and I’m not having it win one battle that I can actually fight!
Rebecca returned home and she brought me flowers and chocolates, bless her. She had read my blog and wanted to cheer me up, her returning home did that but the chocolates were lovely too. Richard also was worried as I send him a message every day, so for me to not contact him for two days or not to take/reply to his calls is really out of character. So Steve and I do a Facetime call with him and despair at the Villa local derby result, shocking!
Now today’s post is called ‘A Wendy House’ because an extension of £20k is just not going to happen and I’ve found out that I can’t just cash in my pension. This is not possible until I am 55 years old unless I am retiring on ill health grounds. So we have decided to buy a log cabin for the garden to see me through the winter, how exciting is that? Our own den, sheltered from the elements and I can stay almost outside and not stuck in the house. I’m super excited as this gives us something to look forward to, to plan and arrange. Now we don’t have the money but my lovely mom has lent it to us so that we can get the project started and this will give us all a sense of purpose, something to look forward to and most of all for me a quality of life, my own den :-). We will pay mom back over 6 months so thanks mom for the interest free loan. Bank of Mom is now closed and no other applications will be considered for 6 months LOL. Now Steve is already planning to pimp it out, it will have full electrics, internet etc plus a path to it and mom can plan the flower beds whilst I plan all the soft furnishings, perfect. Richard will take over whenever he is home and move into it as he is already excited and wants a TV installed too.
I only have a picture of the log cabin to show mom so I decide that she needs to see them. We head off to Bourne End which is only about 6 miles away and I decide to drive. I haven’t driven in weeks so I’m pleased that I can. I can’t walk without my stick but my legs are stronger today and I can drive. Mom having seen the cabins is sold to the idea. So thanks to the builder Frank who came to see us this morning, the platform is going down on Monday and we only have to wait 4 -6 weeks for the log cabin to be delivered. Steve wants to name it 14A Conegra Road or Wendy’s House, I’m not sure it needs a name but the chemo gazebo will have to go as it won’t last an English winter 🙁
As we are about to return home I received a text from Helen to say that she is coming for coffee at 1.30. Excellent as I haven’t seen her for a few weeks. Helen is a wonderful person and a devoted mom. She sadly lost her son Joseph recently at the age of just 18 years old. There is a post called ‘One day at a Time‘ which details the funeral and the pain of grief of their loving family. We spent two hours catching up and the lovely Hilary turned up at 2 pm with Sticky Toffee Cake as promised before they set off on holiday. Thank you so much Hilary the cake is delicious.
With Helen coming round mom and I discussed her on our way home from the log cabin viewing. It worries me that everyone has become my carer and using Helen as an example. I can talk about how does it feel to go from being that carer, provider, nurturer for whatever time it is and for whatever relative to the void that losing that person brings? I worry for Helen, 18 years devotion and love to her child who due to the nature of his disabilities was completely dependent on her for everything. She wouldn’t change her life or one single moment that she devoted to Joseph I know that but I also get the sense the void that losing Joseph has left for her and Tom.
As soon as Helen had left I needed sleep and settled in the chemo gazebo with Linda’s hot water bottle, quilt and my throw blanket but the weather closed in and I had to come inside. This made me sad but it is only for a few weeks until I can be all safe and warm in my log cabin 🙂
Just going back to last night I had a private message from someone who said that I didn’t know her but she reads my blog through a mutual friend. She was wrong, turns out we do know each other, my mom has photos of us together as kids and the reason we knew each other was via The Crestwood School as she was friends with my sister. I sadly had to tell her that Julie had died aged 25, she had no idea. I will get those photo’s to you next time I’m at my mom’s house Nita, promise.
I need to thank Jani from the charity Beating Bowel Cancer as on Saturday I had an envelope full of daisy stickers delivered for my chemo gazebo but I’m going to save them for my log cabin. I do need a name for my log cabin. What about ‘Chemo Cabin? or ‘The Drug Den’ or maybe even ‘Blog Cabin’? I’m open to all suggestions you may have.
#Squirrelgate – So Tia (the ungrateful rescued cat) and Molly have joined forces against the squirrel. They have become grudging allies against the intruder. I don’t have evidence but today they both chased a squirrel off the garden. Helen almost saw the squirrel this afternoon in the tree but it wasn’t a confirmed sighting and it may have been ‘Pete the pigeon’ who visits the bird table in the garden but I’ll keep you all posted on sightings. Maybe in my new log cabin I may just get the evidence of the ball snatching pest!
Thanks to Rita who following my miserable weekend has burned the church down again yesterday with prayers for me and others. It’s working Rita, thank you so much and the old me is slowly returning 🙂