I think trying to do two posts yesterday was a little ambitious, well it wasn’t the writing part of it that was difficult it was loading, editing photo’s, video clips and then putting them all together. Doing all this whilst our internet connection was the worst it had been for years. Steve is fantastic at anything to do with computers but he couldn’t fix it. Normally I try to write my post for the day in the afternoon so that it’s done before tea and then I can have my chemo tablets and just enjoy the evening or not depending on where we are in the treatment cycle.
Our afternoon albeit sad hearing about the story of Steve left me feeling oddly happy due to having fun with Rebecca and Steve and finding a charity that I hope can help me and my family. A charity evolved by people who understand bowel cancer. Back home we had planned to make Transylvania Meatballs from the ‘Hairy Bikers’ cookbook for tea. Another cook book Rebecca brought recently, we enjoy cooking together, if I am up to it and we always do cooking to music. The kitchen comes alive and very messy from whatever we are creating. Pre-cancer Rebecca and I always danced whilst we cooked, just having fun but during treatment it’s been reduced to just singing but those days will return. We eat our creation in the garden together, lovely balls Rebecca!
Tea done and cleared away, I try to do the second post for you all and this took up the next 3 hours (on and off). Mom was trying to call me, texts and daily messages of love stop me and I lose concentration again. The internet won’t work at any speed other than the speed I recall from the ‘dial up days’ now you have to be old to remember dial up and the screeching noise over the phone line. Steve is on hold to a call centre, he has the phone on speaker so he can continue to try to fix the problem for me. The ‘on hold’ music, well banal tune, is on a loop every 20 seconds and we have been suffering this noise now for 23 minutes! If used as a method of torture it would make anyone confess. I’m outside with Molly lying on me so I can’t move. Sat alone, pinned down by Molly, with my laptop and sporting my best ‘buffer face’ and what I like to call ‘the wheel of death’ where I stare endlessly at the cursor which has turned into a wheel like shape, willing it to connect to the outside world. I send a selfie to Steve of my buffer face but he didn’t get it, bloody internet. Steve can get internet on his laptop via his mobile data so we know the post is up but we can’t check it or view it, so frustrating. The new Bose system won’t play music as there is no internet and we are disconnected from you all and the world outside. Bullshit button needed here!
The internet comes and goes over the next few hours and I find it sobering, what would we all do without it now hey? Did Sir Tim Berners-Lee have any idea what he was giving us and what the internet would do for us, in changing our lives, for the good and the bad. I can connect to all my friends out there, share my world, send messages, view video, check the weather and my bank account, read the news etc and all from my iPhone and I don’t even have to move. The internet comes back up for a brief moment and Zena a friend from school comments on a thread about my 1/2 biscuit and wonders if this is a new slimming technique which makes my laugh. It’s not at all and it’s not healthy (that’s nutrition advice covered for any under 18’s reading) I just don’t like breakfast. I can out eat Steve most days but not first thing. Being on chemo brought a morning dilemma for us as chemo tablets have to be eaten with food. Steve says that my customary yoghurt at 10 am is only one up from a drink and so this has led to me having to eat toast too. The 1/2 biscuit is also a standing joke in our house as when Steve wakes up he always eats the other half.
Now amongst this internet disaster (define disaster) Rebecca goes out to meet Josh and friends. Now I’m just saying that the last time Steve and I had the place to ourselves and I felt well was probably in 2014. We haven’t been together in a full on sexual way since our holiday in March and so we did seize the moment, well I did. Now never mind 40 days in the wilderness (it’s Sunday so a biblical reference there) it’s been 8 weeks for me. As you all know Steve has been making his own sandwiches but it’s been 8 weeks, that’s 56 days, and I haven’t made any sandwiches for myself! All I’m going to say is the after the multiple waves of release I started to laugh and cry through happiness uncontrollably. Was it through pleasure, release or intense emotion? Yes, that and Steve saying “Now put that in your f***ing blog,” now that was funny Steve. We both laughed so much as Steve knew I’d never put any of that into my blog, would I? And so to test his editing skills I have so there! Now the question for you all to ask Steve is “how many are left in the box?” I do apologise to anyone reading this who thinks, I don’t want to know that, whoops. You have no idea of the suffering people go through on this shit journey. Love and laughter has to be in this blog otherwise it’s empty, it has to be real. Now kissing is something that maybe we all take for granted. Next time you are with your partner in a sexual way. Try doing it without passionately kissing cos you can’t when your on chemo, just try it, step into a small part of my world. Steve and I, and in fact anyone else on this journey can feel like their life is being taken away from them, No! hang on to it and just find another way.
Now maybe I should write a sex manual for cancer, I could call it ‘Fifty shades of chemo’ lol! I think I may have to place a call to my Mr Grey for inspiration!
Anyway back to Sunday – a day of rest.
I’m awake at 5.30, but I have slept for 5 hours which is really good for me. So I start writing this so that later I can just enjoy the day with Steve and Rebecca. I log on to Facebook once I’ve had my 1/2 biscuit, coffee and a fag. No one is up, the world is quietly waking up and I enjoy writing about and remembering yesterday. Rita is the first of you lazy lot up and online. She will be up early to head off to church to pray for me. Being a good Catholic girl, bless her and I know that I’ll be mentioned in my local Methodist church in Kingswinford by Nicky’s mom and dad. Amy is the next one up and online who got married two weeks ago. So I tell her to go back to bed to her lovely hubby. She went quiet again so I’m thinking she took my advice lol. But no it turns out I’m saying this to Amy’s mom online, whoops! Sorry Ali. I just saw the surname and assumed it was Amy, it could only happen to me, as of course she has changed her name now, I’m just glad I didn’t say something a little more saucy!
Mom calls me as she does every morning from the moon, oh sorry no the Scilly Isles which is only 50 miles off Penzance but everyone on that island must walk round with permanent buffer face! She is also off to church this evening, for a candlelight service. Not to add to the ambiance of the service but because they have no electricity or bloody internet!
Talking of the internet, since I started my blog in late May it has been seen by 6020 people from around the world. Each time you press share for me my stats go up and I stand a chance of reaching out to others. My sister in law Helen told me yesterday to stop thanking her for sharing it but I won’t as I really do appreciate everyone who reads my ramblings and then shares my blog, thank you. I seem to get a lot of hits from Turkey! so if that’s you Evrim, get in touch hey 🙂 x
Steve and I enjoy watching funny films, last night I remembered that I haven’t seen ‘Death Becomes Her’ in years so we plan to watch that tonight if the internet ever works again! Thanks for the tip on the funny films Aunty bloody Vera. If anyone else as a suggestion for a great funny film please let me know as Steve and I love a funny film.
Talking of films, have you seen Beaches? Nicky and I have seen this hundreds of times, we love it. It’s a real chick flick, funny and sad. There is a scene where out of anger, frustration and love of her dying friend she shouts “your not dead yet’ A very moving scene. Rebecca told me the other day that she wanted to scream this at me! Now that gives you an insight as to what my poor daughter and hubby have to see during the first week of chemo. How low it can get, watch the film and you’ll understand. Poor Rebecca, I do worry for her and what she is going through 🙁
So my Sunday continued as most families do across the world. We had breakfast together, did the garden to music, eat lunch, afternoon sleep (well just for me). We plan to walk Molly and then eat our Sunday dinner. Another lovely day, so the shitness scale is on zero again as I’m happy, content and not sexually frustrated anymore lol lol lol, girl power hey!
Oh there was a trip to Homebase which normally would have sent Steve into one of his mega rants but for some reason (I have no idea why) he remained calm, he also noted that the birds were singing this morning, funny old life isn’t it?