I’m sorry and I buy a bird table

So from 20th Feb to the 5th March I wait, wait for the coming CT scan booked for 5th and the pending operation. Not knowing the date of that means the waiting game continues of appointments, tests and results the fear being now that the cancer had maybe already had spread. We still have hope.

I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I brought cancer into our lives, I’m sorry I made everyone sad and worry, I am sorry that Steve and I had to cancel our holiday, I’m sorry for turning into a woman in constant pain who just sits and watches the clock tick by, I’m sorry for causing upset to my children and mom but I’m sorry for myself too, self pity holds me back everyday as I try to understand all of what’s happened and the fear of what’s to come.

I remember the first day I woke up and my first thought was I have cancer! a weird feeling. I didn’t want to take pain killers as this meant that I couldn’t feel the cancer eating away at me. This didn’t make any sense at all, why be in pain but I had to be. When you are pregnant it’s lovely to feel that little unknown person growing inside you and you cherish every kick and movement you experience. Cancer is the opposite, this thing growing, eating you from inside, destroying who you are, threatening your world, to not feel it would mean I could pretend it wasn’t there and I couldn’t do that, so I battled on in pain playing the waiting game and staring outside the window from the kitchen.

I missed my life, my team at work, the overwhelming guilt of not being at work was too much to handle some days. I can’t explain how much I love my job and the BHS Kingston team. We had gone through so much together and achieved some great memories. The team had become friends and valued ones at that. Emma, Alison and Linda who where strangers a few years ago were now like a second family, I missed them so much. I missed laughter, being part of their daily lives, chatting, debating and shouting at Troy. I’d come home from work most days and always had a story to tell Steve but now I just sat, in pain and apart from if I was up to it a daily walk with the dog, I had no stories apart from cancer and so I brought a bird table to give me something to look from the window whilst I watched the clock tick by and thought of my old life and the life I missed so much.

On 5th March mom and I set off for the CT scan appointment, we went to the wrong place and after panicking that we would miss it we arrived in time. I put on the gown of shame again, only to be told that the CT scan had broken and I couldn’t have it done! OMG FFS Mr Mullerat needs these test results so we know what we are facing. The nurse told us we could wait or come back tomorrow morning first thing, we opted for the latter and left.

6th March the CT scan machine was all repaired, scan done and then back to the waiting game. It was Steve’s birthday so I again felt so sad that I’d not only ruined Rebecca’s birthday, I had ruined Steve’s and this was the week we should have been on holiday having fun, eating and drinking to much and having lots of sex, isn’t that what holidays are for? Instead I wait for the postman, look out of the kitchen window and watch the birds feed from their new table.