Honesty

Late last night I received a text from Richard saying that he was coming to see me today as he leaves for Canada again on Sunday. I was so pleased. I have found this week so hard. Amanda from HR called me yesterday to see how I was, a general update and through talking to her I realise that how I feel emotionally and physically are symbiotic and that cycle number 2 has been made worse due to the emotional side of my life at the moment. I’m just so tired all the time.

I fear sleep, in that I can only sleep for a few hours. At 12.30 last night I had to go to bed but woke at 5.30 🙁 Once awake and after a coffee, 1/2 biscuit and a fag the one minute warnings start and by the time Steve and Rebecca get up I’m on death by diarrhea number 4 and I’ve only been up 3 hours. I worry about Karen and send her a text and then message my friend who’s sons funeral was yesterday. I know how low the first day is after a funeral, when it’s all over, tributes and tears done and then it’s just getting through one minute, one hour, one day, one week etc to come. Endless time spent without that special person in your life.

Mr Grey calls me after Steve and Rebecca have gone to work. I congratulate him on managing to phone me when I am not on the loo. Now there is another person to bring into this blog and that’s Mr Grey’s uncle. Back in January when I thought I only had wind, he was also going through the same tests and Mr Grey and I would compare results. He was diagnosed the week before me with bowel cancer. He only had his operation last week! He has suffered so much and as Mr Grey tells me of his suffering to recover from the operation, my memories of Ward 12 and how ill Karen had been come flooding back. No one can articulate how hard it is to see someone really suffer. How helpless we feel when the person we love shows no sign of improvement, hope starts to fade and morbid thoughts start to invade our minds. His operation had been 7 hrs long and he is 70 years of age. Now that’s a big operation to get over. Mr Grey has to continue to work, be professional and then leave work everyday to sit in a hospital with his family all hoping for a sign of improvement, of hope. Like so many others when asked Mr Grey will say he is fine but honestly he isn’t.

After that call I’m knackered again and sleep in the chemo gazebo. Normally I would be too excited to rest if Richard was coming but these waves of tiredness are endless at the moment. I woke to Molly getting excited as the door opened and my boy was with me, home again 🙂

We chatted in the chemo gazebo, we took Molly for a walk and then a treat, McDonalds for lunch in the chemo gazebo. Rebecca wanted to see Richard before he left so I had arranged to pick her up from work so that 1/2 hour could be spent just the 3 of us. Best laid plans and all that! After eating both Richard and I fell asleep and missed picking up Rebecca, sorry Rebecca.

After chatting for 1/2 hour Richard was gone again, all too soon back to his other life outside of us, in the Army, a world of which we are not part. I’m so proud of Richard, what he has achieved and being part of our Armed Forces. As most people are in Britain today. However our service men and women also have to carry the pain of being removed from being part of everyday family life. Richard hides how he feels, hides within mates, fun, his job anything to pretend this isn’t happening. He wants to be with Rebecca and Steve to help but can’t, this can bring feelings of guilt. He is better off hiding or being able to avoid what Steve, Rebecca and my mom see but it brings him no comfort when he feels he isn’t doing enough or isn’t able to be there for them.

So why is this post called ‘Honesty?’ because to Richard like most people when they ask me how I am, I either say “I’m okay” or “read my blog” . I don’t mean to be like this but we all hide the truth about whats actually going on within us. We spare our loved ones pain at all costs however because I started this blog I have by default opened up myself, my feelings and my world to everyone. That’s either very brave or very stupid.  I have thought about stopping writing my blog over the last two days as it causes pain to others, but then something happened. This morning my mom called and I told her of the private comment via the blog from Sue and Tony who used to work with my mom. Mom cried, omg my mom just doesn’t cry! So Sue if your reading this then take pride in knowing that your kind words of love to my mom actually touched her so much, all via my blog. I have never felt so blessed and loved by the support I have received through opening up my world of cancer, my feelings, fear, pain and grief. Old friendships have been restored and new ones found. So I have decided to continue to write my blog everyday so that one day I hope to achieve what I set out to do which was to just help others through this shit.  If only we all lived in perfect worlds with perfect families and perfect friends who all said and did perfect things then my blog would not be needed but life isn’t perfect. My family is not perfect and I’m certainly not perfect. I will not however write stuff to pretend that it is. Anyone who reads this should be comforted and not feel alone through their journey with cancer. That how it feels and how others feel/respond or cope to you along the journey is not going to be perfect, that’s my aim, my only intention.

So Rebecca, Richard and I  have made a decision that from now on it’s only going to be honesty. No more “I’m fine” or whatever bollocks we all come out with to make someone else feel better. No more pretending and for Rebecca, she has to have Richard to talk to. When my dad died my sister had already died too so I was alone in the worry of what was wrong with him, the fear of losing a parent is awful. Watching them suffer is not something that any child, regardless of age can bear but sadly sometimes has too.

Last night Graham who works with Steve called him. It was lovely to hear him talking openly about life, work and laughing about stuff I’d written in my blog as Graham now also reads it. Thanks Graham 🙂 We all need each other to share our worries and joys of each day but unless we are truly honest, no one can reach us, no one can help. I’m not saying bore everyone to death with every details LOL but just don’t bury everything in the pretend world of ‘I’m fine’.

Whilst writing today’s post I get a text from Karen, she’s okay and got through cycle number 2. I can’t express how happy I am for her and her family. Now she just has to cope for the next two weeks with the chemo tablets and stay out of hospital and off the toilet! Well done Karen, with you all the way mate!