So yesterday’s post whilst written in the middle of the night was full of hope that we had cracked the pain relief and I was hopeful. I woke full of optimism and joy that I was going to have a pain free day and all the long weeks of suffering were coming to an end.
Awake and the usual routine of 1/2 biscuit, coffee, fag, and animals fed I start to write. Rebecca wakes but not as early as usual and she is off as she is going to her dad’s today to visit him. Rebecca gets her breakfast and then gets ready to go off for the day. Alone I wait for Steve to wake but he isn’t an early riser and following yesterday where no jobs were achieved he knows that I will be anxious to get them done today if I feel okay and the battle will commence of trying to control me.
So with my pain down to just a very dull roar I start the housework. I empty the dishwasher, clean down all the surfaces put things that we have just left out away and then sweep all the floors through from the front doors. I normally can’t do the dishwasher as I can’t lift heavy things and everything I normally do just makes me breathless so it’s wonderful to fly through the daily chores.
I rest again until Steve wakes up. Rebecca says her goodbyes to Steve and I run her round to the front of the station as platform 3 which is a short walk from our house is always shut on a Monday. I drive with ease in my PJ’s and it’s lovely. I return home to supply Steve with enough coffee to wake him up.
Coffee supplied to Steve and we plan the day. Steve knows we need to work on the calendar so it’s agreed that Steve works on that in the morning. We need to have the calendar finished today so that it can be emailed to our potential sponsors. We need to go to print as soon as we can as we are running behind already, we need to get the product out there before the general public start christmas shopping, well the organised early birds anyway. We need to advertise ours and get the word out there that it’s available. Steve starts to work on it and I make breakfast and then support him by providing the written work required so that it can just be cut and pasted into the calendar and I roughly design the front and back cover. Before we know it it’s 12.45 and mom is due at 13.15 so we quickly get dressed and I was just about to text her to see if she wants a lift when she walks through the door. Molly Moo is ecstactic to she her after being away for just over a week, so we all have to wait to say hello until she has calmed down enough. Hello’s finally said but Molly continues to race round, bringing toys to show her nan and running around with sheer joy, gotta love her.
We sit and catch up on all the gossip over a coffee and fill mom in with the planned hot tub and other changes we intend to make if we can cash in my M&S pension. We have spend it 3 times over and more in at least 20 ways as the priorities change every time and I will just be so gutted if it’s a no from them. We can’t see why they would say no as we has supplied all the information they said they needed plus a copy of the DS1500 form which both confirm a shortened prognosis of under a year left to live. A sobering thought that hey to start the day with, sorry.
We agree to stop working at the computer and Steve mows the grass as part of his break, he hates this job but he knows if he doesn’t do it I will and he won’t let that happen as he doesn’t want me broken again like yesterday. I stand showing mom how mobile I was and she is impressed and like us optimistic that we have all cracked the pain relief. 2pm and drugs miracle Dexi drugs needed to be taken as as the last dose has to be taken early so as they don’t disrupt your sleep – really lol I suppose the 2 hours could be shortened to one. Lunch and drugs taken we return to working on the calendar.
I am so excited to get it finished, to see the final product. I’m so proud of Steve and what he is producing and the dedication of his labour of love to support me and help raise money towards this great charity. Work continues and I feel the pain starting to rise again, I know the drill now with my pain and I fear for the worst. At 3 pm I take ibuprofen, at 4 pm I taken Gabapentin, at 6 pm I take 2 paracetamols, at 7 pm I take slow release morphine, at 8 pm I take 2.5ml of oral mophine, at 8.30 i taken another 2.5 ml of morphine, 9 pm I take ibuprofen and even after that lot as well as laxatives I am still in pain and nothing I take will even take the edge off it. The oral morphine takes it off slightly for about 1/2 an hour but only when I take the second dose. I struggle to breath through the pain as it takes my breath away. It’s now 9.30 and after a few teary breakdowns as I just can’t stand the pain again with no release hour after hour I decide that I need a shower and to get into my PJ’s. I need Steve to help me, so I go on ahead as I struggle with all movement now and getting up the stairs will be on all fours.
Upstairs and ready I shout down to Steve that I will leave the door open for him. Shower and stool in position I get into the shower and just sit there and sob, and sob and sob I’m hoping that a good cry before Steve comes up will get it all out of my system and that the water will ensure that Steve doesn’t see the tears and the depth of my despair.
Steve joins me too early and I can’t hold back the tears, ‘don’t cry alone’ he says. He tries his best to be positive for me, he talks about my recent good days at conference and the plans we have to help my pain, he stays really focused on every good moment and the things we have plans for too like the calendar and I listen through my sobbing, he talks about things geting better and it’s at this point that I say ‘Steve it’s stage four cancer, is this what my days are going to be filled with at the end? Endless pain and suffering, uncontrollable pain day after day. I have already endured months of it and I’m so sick of being ill, constant conversations all day long about my pain, getting release from it and my only comfort is that I wasn’t like this for the two days at conference. However I never walked anywhere really at all. Steve says that that maybe the answer, less walking. What so I sit in a chair all day not moving for fear of the pain starting, great hey! I just miss being normal I say through sobbing and Steve finally is quiet and he just holds me and lets me sob again in silence. The only noise is the water from the shower flowing over us, me on my stool and Steve with his arm around me trying to comfort me the best anyone can with just one arm.
We return downstairs eventually and I try to paint on my brave face, we watch our recording of ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ to ensure Peter Andre gets through. I continue to take laxatives every hour and I take 6 but still nothing moves and the pain continues. Mom goes to bed around 11 pm and Steve as he is on earlies has to also go to bed. Faced with the night alone and in pain I take all of my last drugs and try to sleep, at’s 12.20 and I wake at 1.30, I try to go back to sleep and again I wake at 3 pm and I give up and start today’s post.
Steve here. Wendy is in too much pain to finish this post, so she asked me to add a paragraph at the end. She is sorry not to have answered your messages today. She hopes to update you all tomorrow. An Ian Rennie nurse will be visiting her in the morning.
I do wish they could get yr pain relief right you shouldn’t suffer the way u are doing. Keep strong and cry if you need to there’s no shame to cry.
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Oh dear the agonising pain you’re in is becoming a complete pain in the butt I know how you need to make the most of every daisy picking moment but if doing less to enjoy these moments then mayb, ah it’s no good, I just want you to have it all, daisy den,jacuzzi,hot tub,massage chair,coffee and a fag all wrapped up in lemon drizzle cupcakes and enough hugs and loves with all your amazing family and friends you’re loved to the moon and back always in our thoughts and prayers extra special love and juddy hugs to you Wendy and your truely amazing family & friends fingers crossed the ian rennie nurse can help your pain love you xx xx Thanku Mr wonderful xx xx
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
I feel the love everyday from you Juddy’s thank you so much, love to you all xxx
good to have ya back blogging you will always find a way xxxx
Always, mate, always. Feeling the Juddy love too xxx
So sorry to hear that Wendy has had her hopes dashed with the pain control Steve. Please let her know that I send my love and am keeping her in my thoughts and prayers x
Thanks Anne for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Oh wen I’m so sorry the pain is out of control again. Steve anything you need you know where we all. So sorry I have no words. Loads of love to you all. Xxx
Oh mate no funny, glad you weren’t here to see it and I hope I’ll be okay for the weekend.
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Wendy im gutted, i knew you had bowel cancer but did not know you had been diagnosed terminally Ill. What can i say. Life is so cruel. I know exactly what you, Steve and your family are going through.Im glad we have been back in touch with each other after all these years, pity i could not have found you sooner. Has the cancee spread from its primary site. We must meet up when your feeling up to it. Even if it means me travelling down to see you. Can easily do that journey there and back in a day. Ive just done a journey to Isle of skye Scotland to pick up one of the Honda CBR1000F. Look after yourself and i hope and pray that your pain is not too bad. Take care Ian xxxx
Hi Ian,
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
It’s sad that you know and have experience of what this shit is like. Julie like I would break her heart at your loss. I’d love to see you and chat about very old times mate but I need to get better first, I now you would understand that. Love to you xx
No problem at all Wendy, Get yourself sorted then we will arrange something. Unfortunately Morphine does slow the bowles down so you do become very constipated. As i said yesterday im on morphine to. Before i had both knees replaced i was on 150mg of Zomorph twice daily and 20mls Oramorph every 4hrs between. God i was constipated! . My Morphine has been reduced now to 30mgs twice daily and Oramorph as and when. This is for the Neuropathy in my feet, legs and hands due to my diabetes.
Did i tell you back in 1992 i had to bring some people down to Gatwick Airport. I knew you had worked in the restaurants at the airport so came in looking for you. I asked if anyone knew you there without any luck. Does your mum still live in her old house ?. Anyway you take care and when your ready will try and sort out meeting up. Talk soon Ian xx
Omg we could have met up in 1992 but no facebook than sadly. Both knees, wow that’s harsh and yes she does live in the same house, bless her but she is down with me for a week at a time during chemo. Love back at ya xx
It’s so upsetting to read that you have to go through so much pain, we are living in the 21st century! Nobody should suffer!!! Keep strong xxx
Oh poor Wendy and poor Steve, and poor Mum . But you are right, Steve, this won’t last forever and the pain will go again. You did too much, Wendy. Oh isn’t it MADDENING. You feel better, try to get on with life then, wham, bang down you go again. You sob and feel despair and then the great thing is to resolve to be a little gentler on yourself next time you have a good day. Been round that circle so many times and I still fall over. You have to remember that pain affects your mental well being and your resistance to pain gets lowered by that. Oh misery….. Just thought you might like to know that I understand.
Now let’s be positive. It’s poured with rain so no more gardening for Steve and everyone loves you, Wendy. Extra bit put into the pot for Beating Bowel Cancer to encourage you….. Xxxxxxxxx. And we are now home so I will gather my wits and come and see you when you’re up to it.
Oh Hilary I know that you now all about pain and suffering and I appreciate your message so much as it’s real, real from someone who has been in constant pain and the despair of it.
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Wendy so sorry your in so much pain I wish they could make you comfortable so you can have some quality time your in my thoughts lots of hugs xxx
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Hey Wend, sending gentle hugs and praying pain eases for you asap.
Makes me wanna scream ‘ENOUGH, stop this Sh1t now’ but I know cancers not listening
Do you remember the energy 70/30 rule I shared with you..though I think we’d all have done the same and attacked the chores with gusto but remember every action had a reaction so in the words of the Cadbury Caramel advert ‘Take it Easy’! (Had to be a chocolate analogy )
Praying Iain Rennie Nurse can help you with pain relief.
On a positive note I have to say I’m bursting with excitement to see the finished calendar and its top of my Christmas list for my family and friends.
Love to you Wends, your Mr Wonderful, Mum, Rebecca, adorable Molly Moo and Tia the ungrateful cat. xxx
Jane, I love your comments they made me smile, choco ref, you should write more your good at it, there is a book in all of us. Steve has done an amazing job, I’ll email a proof copy over to you but you can’t share it as it’s not the finished product. We are waiting for BBC’s approval to go to print which should be today I hope.
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Sending love and kisses xx
Thanks BFF for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Speak soon hey, just don’t work too hard xxx
Oh Wendy, my heart is aching for you and Steve today. I truly hope that you have some relief from your pain. I realize that it won’t completely go away but hopefully it can at least become manageable. Please don’t feel bad if you aren’t up to answering every message, text, email and so forth. While we all love your replies we do understand. Really, we do. You give us so much of yourself through your blog. Although I’m not a praying person I am sending out loads of positive thoughts and love to you and your family. Take care~xx
Answering you all gives me focus and I feel the love, it all helps and is part of recovery.
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Hi Wendy and Steve, thank you Steve for letting us know. I hope the nurse is coming early so she can help sort your pain out. As I told you earlier we all understand you can’t be positive all the times. I am sending you both love and hugs as I know how hard it is for you to Steve. Please remember if there is anything I can do you just have to ask. XXX Hug for Rebecca and your mum as well XXX
Thanks for caring, and for your lovely messages to my loved ones as it breaks my heart what they go through with me and witness.
I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Sorry your feeling so shit my friend. Love & hugs to you all. Xxx
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Hello Steve I’m so sorry Wendy is suffering. Please could I pass on a bit of information that might be worth asking Ian Rennie about. Fentanyl lollipops. They are used (among other things) to manage pain caused by cancerous tumours pressing on bones and nerves
They are given as a top-up when someone on regular doses of a strong painkiller such as morphine has ‘breakthrough pain’
The drug works within minutes
and is 80 times stronger than morphine & work by blocking pain receptors.
Please let her know she is a warm & wonderful human being and I hope the pain subsides xx
Hi Lizzie,
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
I have been told out this lollipop sticks before and I’ll talk about them today but this bout of pain was due to me not keeping my bowels moving for two weeks and the pressure of all that was pressing on the tumours which pressed on the nerves.
All poo stories to come I’m just so thankful that I was okay and enjoyed conference so much xxx
Sending love & hugs you. Forever in our thoughts & prayers. Willing with all my heart that the pain is controlled soon. Morag xxx
Thanks Morag for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
What can i say so gutted for you again Wendy you just think your pain relief is getting under control and you get knocked back again….sending a great big massive hug and lots of love….Steve, Auntie Judy, Rebecca and Richard thinking of you this must be so so hard for you all too…keeping my fingers crossed pain relief gets sorted very soon xxxxxxxx
Hi my perfect cousin,
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Thanks for your comments to mom etc as it’s them who see and suffer with me, it breaks my heart seeing them so worried but today we start again hey and try to balance all the drugs so that they work. Love to you all xxx
Hoping to hear better news later….thinking of you xxxxxx
So sorry that the pain isn’t under control. I can’t believe they can’t get their act together.
Big hugs and lots of love. Thinking of you.
My chemo couldn’t go ahead last week because of the bloods so we are back on the same cycle! Hope it went ok today and looking forward to our long awaited BK xxxxx
Oh no 🙁 sad that your bloods count isn’t rigth but at least we are on the same shit/good weeks now. Maybe BK next week if I’m ok would be lovely 🙂 xxx
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
A heartbreaking read.
Hopefully, the pain will subside enough for you to have at least a few hours of comfortable rest before the Ian Rennie nurse arrives in the morning. Fingers crossed they’ll be able to balance the meds to manage this pain for you once and for all Wend. Hugs to you my Lovely. x
Thinking of you all.
x
Hi Paulette and I hope you are feeling better.
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
SO relieved to read your post today and to hear that you’re feeling a little better at least.
You’re in complete and utter agony and amazingly, you just concern yourself with not worrying others… Oh Wend, how much selfless can one person be? You just take care of you and don’t worry about us lot!
I was in bits reading your last post, (especially the shower part) but you have the most amazing husband – no wonder you call him Mr. Wonderful!
Hope you have a restful night tonight my Sweet.
Sending you lots of love and hugs. XXoxoxo
I do and he is just amazing, I’m blessed as others would have walked away. Better day and I hope for sleep tonight too 🙂 much love and thanks for caring xx
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Beautifully put my Mary Poppins, I felt every kiss 🙂
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Love to you bothjjxxxx
Thanks for caring Jx & J, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
So sorry for your suffering. I do hope the Ian Rennie nurses can sort your pain tomorrow
Lots of love to you all xxxxx
Oh Wendy xxx
This is devastating on what started as a good day X
My poor beautiful you X
If you need anything at all, ANYTHING
You just shout and I will be with you in a heartbeat .
I send my love as always to you, Steve & family xxx
I know you would my angel xxxx
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
so sorry your pain is so bad perhaps if you just try a day of doing nothing and see if it’s you doing too much bringing more pain on, hard for you but give it a try.Page79 Sunday’s Daily mail (Google) Charlene White ITV ? Is also publicising the fight against bowel cancer,she is the patron of. Charity Bowel cancer UK and the face of never too young to raise awareness.Know you don’t read the Mail but thought you might like to read online to see others are helping and maybe get in touch with her.If you can’t find the article email and il send to you.Hope tomorrow is a better day xxx ex ex ex
Thanks D, I will check out the links later.
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Forgot to say think there’s a Company who hire hot tubs.
will have to buy one as they will have to crane ours in if we can have it as it’s a hard garden to access xxxx
Hi Wendy, ah bless you.
I’m sure everyone who reads your blogs just want to take your pain right away., really hope they manage to get it under control and comfortable soon.
After you sharing such an amazing experience of the converance and your good MRI results, it’s heartbreaking to know that you are suffering so much.
It’s good to cry too, so let it out girl, as you are truly an inspiration to so many and I feel humbled and honoured to be able to read your blog, thank you for sharing it, good and bad.
We all love you, and your Mr Wonderful and your family, you all truly are just that WONDERFUL ooxx
Can’t even spell this time of the morning, conference lol ooxx
Thanks Helen for your lovely words and I promised ‘warts and all’ it was just I couldn’t finish the post, it’s a sign of how bad it is if I can’t even communicate, that’s the sad fact of this shit disease and the suffering it brings that no one wants to talk about with others as it’s so soul destroying for all concerned.
Thanks for caring, I’m okay this morning and just back to dealing with cancer pain. The Rennie nurses are due at 10.30 and we start again with a new plan on pain control. I hope that we can find a way forward, to end to this merry go round of suffering. I have to have faith that we will. Sorry I worried you and I’ll post up details of my 18 hours of pain later today xxx
Just no words only hang on in there, very emotional, loves you so much, even if I don’t post I think about you all the time, xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I’m okay, fighting back xxx