Too Many Tears of Joy

So I didn’t get to use the Hot Tub last night as it was only 33 degrees at 11 pm so we decided to just wait until the morning. Steve is on the early shift so he goes to bed about midnight and I stay up to play my favourite game ‘wack a comment’. I finish this just after 1 am and I’m so tired that I think I can sleep and I have hopes of sleep like the night before of at least 4 hours. So tired I get into bed and the pain of lying on my back is awful, I consider taking oral morphine for release but I lie and try to cope with the pain. I toss and turn but no relief comes however somehow I drift off. I wake at 3.15 am! Omg now I’m upset as my hopes of sleep and rest are shattered and I have had less than 2 hours sleep again. I do my usual routine of coffee, 1/2 biscuit and a fag, no animals in sight and I wonder what to do as I am awake and in pain but I can’t take painkillers through the night unless it’s oral morphine and that affects my bowels and they have stopped working again so I have to wait it out.

I decide that with no project work to do that I will organise my emails and then get on with my to do list from the previous day that I always prepare so that I’m organised. I start with my emails and hit delete until I came across one that I had missed from Gemma, she is from the Ian Rennie charity and she visited me a few weeks ago to discuss publicity. I told her, as I tell everyone that anything I can do to educate people to bring awareness and prevent this happening to anyone else is worth everything to me and that I’d be up to do anything for them.

This is her email:

Hi Wendy
Sorry I’ve been out of touch. I’ve been keeping up-to-date on your blog and have made a start on your case study. In the meantime, the Bucks Free Press would like to interview you as part of a 30 Years of Care feature on Rennie Grove. They’re speaking to our Chairman about the challenges facing palliative care; to our CEO or Nursing Director about how we plan to meet those challenges; to Marina about her work as a Rennie Grove nurse – and then to you about your experience of our care (if that is OK!)? Marina said she saw you yesterday and mentioned it to you and that you were up for it!

So I really just wanted to fill you in a bit more and to confirm that I’ll pass your phone number onto the reporter, Will Burton.

Also, do you remember we talked briefly about a production company, Chalkboard, I think they were called, who are keen to film patients with a prognosis of 6 to 12 months for a documentary called ‘My Wonderful Life’? You said you’d be happy to chat to them too with a view to filming. Is it still OK to pass your number onto them as well? They would call to talk through the project so you could see if it was something you wanted to do.​

Thank you very much and I’ll be back in touch soon with a draft of your case study for you to check πŸ™‚

Gemma x

Wow and wow I thought, how fantastic is this, an opportunity to reach out to people. I reply yes to everything and I’m now really excited as I can use this platform to promote the Calendar too. I quickly send other emails (all will be revealed about the Calendar in tomorrows post, I promise) and I’m so pleased that it’s all coming together.

I stop for a coffee and another fag. I then have another wave of tiredness and reclining all the way back in my dream machine chair a decide to see if I can rest my eyes. The next thing I know is the kitchen is alive with Rebecca and Steve who are trying to not wake me up. Now like the other morning I wake in a confused state ‘what happened’ I say ‘Where am I?’ The sleep I had drifted into was so deep that I am not really conscious and I’m talking rubbish. I ask Rebecca if she has seen Dr Who as we are fighting cancer together, that I was with the Daleks and Peter Capaldi is waiting for me and I’m not even a Dr Who fan! She said that she had seen an Ood. Steve who is only on his first cup of coffee is confused at my confusion of where I am. I continue to be dazed and struggle between dream and reality. What’s happening to me, is it all the drugs I take? Am I going mad? I eventually come back to normal after a coffee and a fag but it just all felt so real and I now feel really stupid.

So I start my drugs off for the day and wait for Steve to become awake before I tell him about my email and how excited I was about it all. This then led to about an hour of my crying and crying and let me explain why.

I started my blog to try to help others, I didn’t think for one moment that anyone would be interested at all, we are now in 3 months over 73,000 hits all over the world. I have been invited to Parliament, we made the Cancer Free video, I’ve produced a book, we are campaigning for equal screening, we have written 50 Shades of chemo and raised way beyond my dreams of Β£1000 for Beating Bowel Cancer and we are soon to be selling a Calendar with mine and my friends bottoms on it across England and the world. I have cashed in my Pension and brought a Hot Tub and a Daisy Den and I’m trying to adapt our home so that we can cope with me being here until ‘end of days come’. Now to some who read my blog may think ‘flash cow’ or other such things, I don’t know what people think but the cost of all of this is that it’s costing me my life. I never dreamt I’d have money spare to buy a Hot Tub or a Daisy Den. I’m not flash with cash as like everyone else up and down the country you just have to manage with what spare money you have. I can’t believe that my poor mom has visited us for 14 years here and she has never had a wardrobe. Hence my need to spend my last bit of savings on making her happy prior to the Pension money coming through.

So there is a parallel journey here, one of excitement, project work, publicity etc and the pain of the underlying fact that I could not even be here this time next year. Have I just created a world of my things in our house that will just bring sadness when I’m gone? I don’t want to die, I’m not ready to leave my loved ones. I want to live and go back to normal. I want to be able to cuddle my husband, walk down to the shops and I sob and sob to Steve as I don’t want anyone to think that it’s all about me cos it never has been that for me, I just want to stop this happening to any other family. I want to save everyone from the pain of cancer and the endless sadness it brings.

I eventually stop crying and we decide to hit the Hot Tub to cheer me up. As soon as I’m in the water it’s instant relief. No pain, weightless and free. There is no drug in any of my cupboards that can give me that. Steve joins me and for the first time in weeks, months I can lie with him, him holding me without hurting me at all. We had 20 minutes of pure joy, fun and laughter playing with the controls etc and just being us, a normal happy couple in love and picking daisies.

Now we have prepared a little video for you all to enjoy of the Hot tub arrival and my first steps into her. Which reminds me that you all need to help me again as she needs a name, so thinking caps on you lovely lot.

I hope that you enjoyed the video and tomorrows post will be the long awaitedΒ  massive reveal on the ‘Bustin Bums Calendar’. Who’s in it and all the info needed to get your hands on one.

Published by


Married to Steve, I have two children - Rebecca and Richard. Steve has two children, Lauren and Chris. Rebecca lives with us (nurse Rebecca) and my mom Judy also has become nurse and housekeeper but lives in the West Midlands. My son is in the Army and comes home when he can. I am 47, born in 1967 and I was told I had bowel cancer on 22nd Feb 2015 and this blog is my journey through it. I hope it helps you as you were the reason I started it.

35 thoughts on “Too Many Tears of Joy”

  1. Woohoo it’s all coming together you clever girl and how awesome for you to have bonus bubbly pain free Daisy picking moments with your Mr wonderful i love happy tears xx soooooo excited for the calendar reveal Juddy will be available for promos lol lol lol
    btw on Dr who ian looks like an oodd at night now as he has a sleep apnoea machine that could have been a whole other calendar lol love n juddy hugs xx

    1. Hi Teresa, It’s been a lovely day here, s special that I can be free of the weight and pain in my back. I have no idea why I was dreaming of Dr Who lol and Juddy good love him hey, big reveals tomorrow xxx

  2. Hi Wendy. This might help you sleep. Dont drink Coffee after 2pm. High intakes of caffeine does stop you sleeping. I was lying awake most nights when my knees were bad. I use to drink coffee before going to bed. I was advised to avoid coffee after 2pm and drink either, tea, horlicks, Ovaltine or hot chocolate. I know sleep better, ok your back pain will hinder your sleep but it might let you sleep a bit longer. Ian xx

    1. I’m a coffee addict though and I do stop after dinner, probably about 9 pm but a good point well made, hot chocolate it is then πŸ™‚ xxx

    1. Hot Totty!!! I like that one and it was wonderful to have that freedom of pain today, I’ve cried all day long I just can’t help it, silly cow hey xx

  3. Ahh wen how amazing!!! Great video. I think your mate might really have something with the coffee theory. ( I know you won’t like that though. Lol!! )
    Looks like you may become a celebrity on a whole different level. Lol!!! Can’t wait for that!! Glad the hot tub is easing your pain and you got to spend some quality time with Steve. So happy for you both. Loads of love to you all. Xxx

    1. And you will be in it with me soon and then you will understand the pleasure of just water πŸ™‚ not loving the not drinking coffee idea yuk xx

  4. Loved the hot tub video!! So lovely to see you pain free and having fun. Sending you lots of positive vibes. Gemma xx

  5. Wow loving the hot tub bloody brilliant Wendy and so lovely to see you enjoying…you are doing a fantastic job with all your hard work to raise awareness for bowel cancer….we are all your friends and your family so very proud of you….shall be wanting your autograph when i next see you if you are to become famous…keep up the good work girl and i know you will just love that hot tub so enjoy xxxxxx

    1. Hi Nicky, It’s so good and Colin wants to come too lol, I’ve told him, no naked bums or weeing in the pool allowed πŸ™‚ xx

  6. How exciting to get your new hot tub!! Watching the video I am clapping, laughing and crying with happiness for you!! I truly can’t begin to imagine that anyone would call your a “flash cow” at all. Surely after reading your blog they couldn’t come to that conclusion about this whole thing. If they do…well several names that I shouldn’t post here come to mind for them and none are nice. πŸ˜‰ As far as a name for the tub goes….Wendy’s Tummy Tank, The Hot Haven, The Tear-less Tub or Bubbles Galore (a bit James Bond-ish but what the hell)?

    1. Hi Bev and thank you for your lovely words. Great suggestions too, tearsless tub actually and the Bond reference too, thank you so much xx

  7. Love the hot tub and so pleased you have managed to get it all sorted xxx have been out of circulation since my last chemo as the side effects have been pretty awful and I’ve been in bed since lastSaturday. At least I’m at home and not in hospital!

    So pleased that your mum has a nice new room,give her my love xxxx

    Big hugs xxxx

    1. Hi there chemo bud, it’s been too long and I thought you were okay, I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch, too excited for the arrival of the Hot Tub, it’s fantastic. We missed our BK πŸ™ got to get that one sorted out hey. Love to you all and I hope you feel better soon xx

  8. Hi Wendy so pleased your hot tub is up and running it’s fantastic that you and Steve managed to have some quality time being able to cuddle as I know you miss that so much. You look great in the video lovely to see you so happy I for one don’t think you are flash at all you so deserve everything thing that makes yours and your families lives better so just enjoy every moment. I don’t think you realise how many people you have touched with your life you share with us. You have made so many people stop and think about how lucky we are to have are health. You are a great ambassador for bowel cancer that’s why charity’s want to interview you they know how much helping others means to you. You are a very special person. I hope you can sleep tonight. Sending you my love and hugs XXX

    1. Oh thanks you Mary for all those wonderful words, they mean so much to me. Now when are you and Ann coming round for a dip πŸ™‚ xx

  9. Love the music chosen for the video as heard the track accompanying crank I start to chuckle but as the Hot tub lands safety I have tears pricking my eyes…I’m just so pleased for you and Steve and for you to enjoy pain free tine together. Fan-bloody-tastic!
    Tub name. ..Bliss Bubbler…obvious but perfectly apt!
    Dr Who and the Daleks…yes ‘exterminate the bloody cancer cells’
    Another idea just popped into my head ‘Ooddles of Bubbles’ lol.
    (Next time you’re in the hot tub visualise soaking my lower back for me…Thanks my lovely xx)
    Calendar reveal…I’m so EXCITED! Mentioned your calendar briefly to a couple of ladies at my networking lunch today…said I’d be bringing them along…encouraging response. Did I mention my EXCITEMENT…this project us just such a fab idea…high fiving Steve…twice!
    We also mentioned the ‘Look good feel better’ charity that helps make cancer patients feel better with free monthly beauty workshops how to adapt and apply makeup when eyebrows, eyelashes start to disappear and send attendees away with goody bags. (Have you heard of if – imagine bit phaffy for you but I know you’ll agreed a good idea/cause.)
    Glad you had a good day with daisy picking moments and more to come in hot tub and Daisy Den.
    love to all xxxx

    1. Hi Jane, and as soon as you are able too when visiting you must come and have a dip it’s so good, just the power of water is magical and yet two thirds of the worlds population don’t have access to running water, how sad it that :-(. You are right, too phaffy for me lol. Big reveal tomorrow secret biscuit agent :-))))) xxx

  10. Aw!!!! my sweet, that video is terrific absolutely bloody terrific X
    At long last something that works without intervention of drugs you find tranquility from pain in something as simple as water πŸ™‚ who would have ever thought of it !!!!!!!
    Only our Wendy would do this research and investigate all options and my god have you and Steve investigated.
    I’m sure everyone who has followed your journey and read your blogs will recall as far back as your early posts when whilst in some of your darkest hours when the pain you suffered was debilitating in every sense of the word yourself & Steve browsed the web for hours & days in search for pain relief. You also had to search what medications could be taken in conjunction with others as this information was not discussed or given in for such emergencies when your pain was extreme.
    Wendy your blogs will help so many people, you are truly enlightening so many people, sufferers, primary carers, and those fortunate enough not to suffer or know of a sufferer of this horrific disease.
    They will all gain wisdom through your selflessness. Thank You , You are my inspiration xxx

    Get the calendars Rollin girl πŸ™‚ all in the support of the Beating Bowel Cancer Charity. Well done my lovely.

    Keep us all posted on the support you are now giving the IAN Renni Charity to help and educate others xxx

    Please try to give those pretty eyes a break and stop crying your poor emotions are running riot with you xxx

    Love you to the moon & back xxxxx

    1. Hi my angel and again such lovely words. I’ve just cried all day long, it means so much to me. No pill can do what water can do, mad hey just water. I will never stop raising awareness now, I’ll do anything to stop this happening to another family, cancer is cruel and it’s suffering is endless, this can and must be stopped, so I’m going to do whatever I can to help. Love you my angel xxxx

  11. Your blog as always is awesome, a bag of mixed emotions…not sure how many times I have laughed and cried at the same time reading them. I hope your hot tub brings you lots of happy, pain free times for you and Mr Wonderful. Take care x :+)

    1. Hi there, thank you and it’s so wonderful to be pain free. Just water hey, how magical and glad you enjoy my mad ramblings xxx

  12. OMG Wendy there must be hundreds (maybe thousands) of people whooping, clapping, smiling, tearing up seeing the arrival of the bubbly wubbly – and who decided on the Space Odyssey theme tune? It was a stroke of genius. What an absolute crowd pleaser.

    I don’t believe for one second that anyone who reads your blog would think you are flash. I think we are all whooping and hollering together because we’ve all been looking forward to seeing the lovely things arriving.

    I have a theory that your mum didn’t want to go home because she wanted to be first in the hot tub! πŸ˜‰ and
    I was half expecting to log in tonight to see you, Steve, Rebecca, the delivery men, Molly, Tia the ungrateful cat, a representative from BHS and the squirrel in there.

    Your Dr Who interaction sounds like a morphine dream. In morphine dreams there’s no anxiety about turning up at work naked. You just think, β€œOh! I’m naked! Well isn’t everybody else in the office lucky?” ha ha.

    I’ve had a bad experience with Dr Who. The dullest party I ever went to was at a girl called Claire’s house (whose family was very ‘eccentric’ and ever so ever so. All I remember about it was having to sit in the lounge and endure Dr Who for what seemed like FOREVER. I thought it was never going to end.

    Your blog is a triumph mrs. You are definitely achieving your objective of raising awareness. You know you were dead excited when Peter Andre retweeted?, well I felt the same when you replied to my very first comment. I think the interaction you have with everyone is the secret to it’s success. Your blog is a virtual version of a friend opening their front door with a big smile on their face and saying come on in, I’m just putting the kettle on.

    I am so pleased you had a cuddle with your Mr Wonderful. You’re my favourite couple ever x

  13. The hot tub video is brilliant! I’m so happy for you it’s great to see you pain free if only briefly.
    Enjoy it every day! Hot tubs are great when it’s snowing!
    Hugs xxx

    1. Thanks Leah, It really has changed my life, there is no drug in my cupbiards that gives me the pain relief that the new ‘Love Tub’ can give me. Everyone should have one πŸ™‚ xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *