So last night my poor Steve after a long and stressful day at work with just a quick sandwich was tired and hungry. He then spent the next 6 hours until after 1 am with me trying to upload the book for you all. I do think that maybe I had set a tight deadline and despite his best efforts we all had buffer face. We did get a download link onto the blog but the process of uploading it to iBooks was not funny and so we left it to cook overnight.
Going to bed together is lovely but my body has so many aches and pains that Steve can’t cuddle me, the only area okay is my tits and he says that this seems a bit wrong to just hold me there with tomorrow looming. I have to lie with a pillow between my legs to support my leg due to the tumour. Yes I’ve taken painkillers but they don’t take the pain away and I know I have to start taking stronger ones soon, I just don’t want to be spaced out.
I wake at 5 am, it’s still dark outside and the iBook upload has timed out so I’m now determined to babysit this bloody thing until it’s cooked. I don’t like letting people down and I didn’t think it would be so painful to upload a file.
By 6.30 I decide to take chemo tablets as today is the last day of tablets for cycle 4. So chemo tablets done I set up in my chemo gazebo with all my essentials laptop, coffee, fags, phone and ashtray plus my pink fluffy hot water bottle from my dear friend Linda. This helps with the pain in my back.
The messages of love and support flows in from you all via Facebook and private messages, some make me want to cry as I feel so loved and blessed to have you all to support me. Now this impressed me: Jani from the charity Beating Bowel Cancer sent me a message at 2 am regarding my appointment. Not only is that lovely of her but she is also on her holiday. Now that’s dedication for you. See I said that the people from this charity are amazing.
From all of the messages, this one made me happy
Morning. I’m sat here catching up on the last two days blogs and its a beautiful sunny day. Even if it is sunny with you this morning I’m sure that your day ahead does not feel at all sunny. Will be thinking of you and praying and hoping that the consultant has at the very least got a little glimmer of sun on the horizon to share with you. Reading yesterday’s blog it did so feel like you were coming to the end of something, it was almost like you were preparing us your readers but I don’t want to think about that. Whilst we will all want to know the outcome of your meeting not through morbid curiosity but because we care, we will all understand if you just don’t feel like updating today. Those question and answer sessions can be exhausting without even considering the subject matter. You could always put an out of order sign up or normal blog service will be resumed shortly. I will just be one of so many people who will be thinking of you today, so remember when you are in the consulting room or wherever it is you will be, it won’t just be you, Steve and the Dr, all of us your blog buddies will be in there with you, maybe not in body but most definitely in mind. Lots of love xx
and this one made me sad. From a fellow member of the BHS Family who lost a loved one who had cancer but he survived the cancer but following taking chemo had an infection which killed him.
Yeah you’re right..thanks Wendy…yes he had just been given the all clear end of July, but the bloody chemo had just ravaged his body and he ended up with pneumonia which was his cause. Xxx
Ain’t life just shit sometimes hey!
So the day is planned, packing this morning followed by food shopping to pass the day away and then the appointment.
Following taking chemo tablets I’m tired again and so I decide to sleep. I’m woken by a call from Guy, Regional Manager BHS, it’s his last working day. We spent a good half an hour talking and saying our goodbyes. He didn’t know but tears were in my eyes as I said my final goodbye and thank you as he has helped me these last few months as Chris would have done, my ex ex boss. We will remain in touch as he does genuinely care and due to his own life experiences feels at ease talking to me about cancer. He does make me laugh as he says that there should be some balance in my life, that it’s great being able to deal with this shit cards that life has dealt me but where is the call to say I’ve won the lottery! The fact that I don’t do the lottery probably explains the lack of this call but I get his point.
So packing done it’s shower time. I still have to have Steve to help me do this and like post operation I have to sit on a stool, squeezing bottles is too hard, I’m too weak and although I’ve taken painkillers I’m in too much pain again to be on my own. Showered and now ready for part two of the day. I put my pants on and the tumour in my groin pops out on the right hand side, Steve says that it’s not as noticeable as the one in my neck so I say that I’ll just buy turtle neck jumpers and it will be fine. I know I’ll never make it round the shops and was delighted when I came downstairs to Richard saying that he will go food shopping for me, bless him. Thank you also to those of you who have sent messages of support to Steve and Rebecca this morning as it does make a difference to my loved ones to know you care.
The Results
The chemo hasn’t worked hence the tumour in my groin and the back pain. The good news is that my lungs and liver are still cancer free. The disease has spread a lot into lymph nodes in my peritoneum and one near my adrenal gland. I have to change chemo treatment which will start in a few weeks where I will have a pic line and the drugs given every 2 weeks for 6 cycles. I will have another CT scan half way to see if it’s working. Dr Weaver said to prepare myself for total hair loss or up to at least 30% hair loss (this bit makes me sad as I think it’s cancer’s final insult) I asked the question of when did the18 – 24 months clock start ticking and he said from diagnosis (February). So I won’t plan my 50th Birthday bash just yet hey.
I have been given liquid morphine for pain.
Wendy
So sorry to hear that the chemo isn’t working,what can I say to make a difference? I’m here all the way with you, we will be on the same treatment by the sound of it so let’s hope we are on the same weeks otherwise we will nevervgetvthe BK organised will we? Whilst there is treatment there is hope so don’t give up yet. They say that keeping positive makes a difference and you know you are good at that! We will all continue to pray and support you and hope that this new treatment kills those bloody cancer cells.
Go and have a fabulous holiday and enjoy the family time.will be thinking of you cancer bud xxxx
Hi chemo bud, looking forward to that BK soon and yes I’ll stay positive, not loving the hair loss thing though 🙁 xx
My lovely Wendy, I’m so sorry about your results today, both me and my husband cried as I was reading your blog out loud, you are an amazing person and we are here for you. If you and your family need anything please ask and we will do whatever we can x x
Hi Louise, you can have a beer with me next time I’m in the Midlands as that won’t be long, I promise xx
Ah Wend, I’m sad that the chemo hasn’t done it’s job, and here’s to hoping the new treatment will respond.
You are so upbeat, for everybodies sake, without a thought for yourself, bless you.
Because I haven’t seen you for years, and only know you through Nicky (Jones) I feel almost intrusive when reading your blog.
Sadly my mum died with cancer of the Ileum 32yrs ago, without any form of treatment:-(.
So on a positive note, the new chemo you will be having, will help ease your pain and your body will respond.
I go to bed at night, say my prayers, and one for you and your lovely family.
Your blogs make me laugh. And cry, , and the video is brill too, could never think of our mums generation, getting up to those antics, hehe, especially riding a motor bike, showing your bare bum, but she would have approved of you having a fag, haha.
I wish you well, so have a wonderful holiday with all your favourite people and a very big Happy Birthday for Tues.
And take that bloomin Oramorph, it works wonders ooxx
Hi Helen, I remember you very well, blonde hair and very pretty. Glad you and Nicky stayed friends. Thanks for reading my blog and glad you enjoy it xx
So gutted at this result Wendy you really don’t deserve all this crap… please don’t give up you have shown such courage and bravery through all this and we are so so proud of you…hope you enjoy your holiday to the best you can and enjoy time with your family and Nicky your bestie and listen girl we will plan your 50th birthday you never know we might even get Colin to strip…..sending lots of love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wow Colin stripping again lol lol now that would be funny. Thanks for your support today to Rebecca, Richard and Steve, they appreciated it xx
Hi Wendy. I can’t find the words!!! We are all so proud of the way you are dealing with this awful disease. Can’t wait to see you Sunday and spend some quality time together. All our love always. X
Holiday and beer time mate 🙂 xx
Ah bless you, that’s you all over, complimenting everyone.
You are just the same as I remember too, stunning and funny with it.
I can remember you, Richard and Rebecca years ago, when they were kids, visiting the ambulance station with Nicky, well the smoke room anyway lol.
Be whoever and whatever you want to be, everyone loves you, you are just amazing girlie .
Enjoy your family and bestie hols, much love ooxx
Ps and take whatever pain relief you need
thanks Helen and fond memories, smoke rooms are a thing of the past sadly lol xx
I would like to say a huge thank you for all the support,love and prayers you have given Wendy. I am sure it is making a difference as today’s result could have been far worse. Keep up the good work through this next lot of chemo and we will beat it yet
Thanks Mom xx
wendy
big hugs to you all
Deborah
xxx
Wendy I’m so sorry to hear this news!!! I really don’t know what to say right now. Just keep up the good fight go away and enjoy your holiday and some quality time with your loved ones. Just remember everyone is right there with you and your in our prayers. Take care sending you big hugs love n thoughts to you and your family x x x x
Hi Lindsey, thank you and thanks for leaving a comment as they will be on here forever, a trail of love and support xx
Oh Wendy I feel gutted for you and for Steve and the rest of the family. Do allow yourself a weep, that’s what being human is all about. One you’ve had that, grit your teeth and all my prayers are with you for the next lot. Enjoy your holiday as best you can and stop this nonsense about not planning your 50th. It’s going to be the best bash EVER, so you’d better be there! We’ll all feel a bit stupid without you!
Hi Hilary, reaching 50 would be a real joy as most people dread it. Funny how we all view life differently depending on your life experiences. Thanks for your support and comments xx
PS. No, you can’t have it early, that’s cheating
Part Popper! LOL xx
Oh Wendy, my heart aches for you, Steve and the rest of your family today but I refuse to give up hope. All of you will be in my thoughts every single day, throughout the day. Sending all of you loads and loads of love today!!
Hi Bev, you are right we are not giving up as my lungs and liver are fine still so tha’s good 🙂 thanks for caring xx
So sorry that the chemo isn’t working as it should be but hopeful that the changes in the therapy will work for you. Thinking of you xx
let’s hope so hey but not looking forward to the hair loss 🙁 x
🙁 So unfair. You’ve been through all that suffering with the chemo. Where are you going next week? Hope you enjoy your time away together. Love to you all xxx
Off to sommerset for 5 days of picking daisies and yes it’s a bit shit. Thanks for supporting Steve as he will need you all xx
Oh Wendy…. Well what can I say?…. I am truly sad that chemo hasn’t worked for you this time, let’s hope that the next course can kick its butt…so to speak. Thinking of you and your lovely family and sending you a big hug. Keep that fighting spirit Wend…. You can do it xw
Hi Wendy, of course I’m going to try and beat this, I’m not giving up, I’m not through with living yet. Coming up to the midlands soon so hope to see you then xx
Great, look forward to a catch up. Enjoy your family hol xw
thanks xx
Heartbreaking just God Dam Heartbreaking news.
I refuse to give up my lovely, my prayers and candles will continue at Mass in Sunday.
Please, Please don’t lose heart Honey they must have hope Wendy to change your chemo .
I am sending as always my love to you, Mum, Steve, Richard & Rebecca. Tonight must be filled with such heartache, fear and despair.
I know you will all get your heads around this and then pick yourselves up and move forward into the next chapter of this journey.
Such courage and strength I have never witnessed before in a family in my lifetime .
Please , please have a peaceful relaxing break together and gather those daisies .
And you don’t need hair your beautiful inside & out, just sayin xxx
Then when you get back, get back in the drivers seat and go for it.
Love & Hugs Always To you my lovely Wendy & to all your wonderful family & Mollymoo xxxxxxx <3 <3 <3
Thanks my angel as ever your love and support comforts me. It’s okay for you to say about the hair loss I have sticky out ears lol lol but I’ll put up with this shit as I’m not done with living yet 🙂 xx
Been thinking of you all day, I’m so so sorry, but there is some hope with this new treatment, it’s not too bad having no hair, to be honest I loved it, I know it’s the last thing on your mind but, I’ve got 2 beautiful wigs you can have just let me know and I can send them, all mod cons, blonde highlights and realistic hair line, the only thing is that they are short ones, no one believed they were wigs,
Any way, you go and have a wonderful time with you family, sorry I got your bday wrong, I told you I’m crap at things,
All ways thinking of you, for ever in my thoughts, loves ya you that don’t you and if you ever need me for anything, I mean it just get In touch, I just feel helpless, all this is just efing crap, xxxxxxxxxxx biggest hug ever,
Hi Tammy I might need ths e wigs as my Aunty Vera has suggested a pink punk one lol. Coming to the midlands soon so hope to see you soon xx
Ooh, that would be lovely, are they planning another reunion cus I missed the last one, just let me know, they’re in the loft in my cancer box, be glad to help, keep me informed about your visit, When you are in the mood can you tell me how to get the book, I’ve got the Dropbox app, when I click on your book it takes an age and then it says no preview available in this file, doing me conk in, I bet its summat stupid, I told you I’m crap, hahaha, xxxxxxxxx
dropbox suspended my account due to an overload of traffic but we have freed it up now, the ebook was rejected but again it should be there tomorrow as mistakes have been sorted, sorry about that and just sent a message to Leah as we need to organise it soon 🙂 xx
I’ve got it, I’ve got it, sorted now, xxxxxxxxxbless you sweet, xxx
excellent xx
Hi Wendy,
I am so sorry the results aren’t what you wanted, but keep positive. This new treatment wouldn’t have been offered if they weren’t hopeful it would help.
Have a lovely holiday with your family, and come back ready to kick cancers ass.
XOX
So sorry Wendy ,but your a great fighter & you will beat it ,Have a wonderful time away with your lovely family ,we will all be here when you get back ,pick lots of lovely Daisies ,lots of love & hugs to you all xxxxxx
that’s the plan Heather 🙂 just going to enjoy the next 5 days 🙂 xx
Hi Wendy – As Karen said “whilst there is treatment there is hope” I truly believe this especially with your courage, determination and support from friends and family. Thinking of you. Have a great holiday time. Xx
thanks Liz, If love and support was a cure I’d be long in remission by now xx
Thank you, I will keep doing what they want me to do. sorry for late reply but the internet is shocking here xx
I don’t know what to say my lovely. It’s heartbreaking
Just know that I am thinking of you and your family.
There is no reason why our 50th birthday celebrations can’t start early and finish late!
First enjoy your holiday and then we will sort it xxxxxx
Hi Leah, I’m planning to come up in a few weeks time to see you all so I was going to contact you anyway. Chemo depending and dates which I’ll let you know I think we need to take over a pub somewhere. Why wait until the new year hey? Let’s just do it now whilst I can and I still have hair lol, the photo’s will look so much better haha xx
Good plan I think on the party front, I think we are looking to come up on 5th Sept xx
so sorry to here your news Wendy, hope that the holiday with the family might do you some good. it’s heart breaking for you and the family, just can’t believe it.
love to you all and will be thinking of you on your jollies.
love ya xxxxx
Hi Aunty Shelia and enjoy your cruise, and the warm weather as it’s forecast rain, rain and more rain for somerset 🙁 xx