So last night my poor Steve after a long and stressful day at work with just a quick sandwich was tired and hungry. He then spent the next 6 hours until after 1 am with me trying to upload the book for you all. I do think that maybe I had set a tight deadline and despite his best efforts we all had buffer face. We did get a download link onto the blog but the process of uploading it to iBooks was not funny and so we left it to cook overnight.
Going to bed together is lovely but my body has so many aches and pains that Steve can’t cuddle me, the only area okay is my tits and he says that this seems a bit wrong to just hold me there with tomorrow looming. I have to lie with a pillow between my legs to support my leg due to the tumour. Yes I’ve taken painkillers but they don’t take the pain away and I know I have to start taking stronger ones soon, I just don’t want to be spaced out.
I wake at 5 am, it’s still dark outside and the iBook upload has timed out so I’m now determined to babysit this bloody thing until it’s cooked. I don’t like letting people down and I didn’t think it would be so painful to upload a file.
By 6.30 I decide to take chemo tablets as today is the last day of tablets for cycle 4. So chemo tablets done I set up in my chemo gazebo with all my essentials laptop, coffee, fags, phone and ashtray plus my pink fluffy hot water bottle from my dear friend Linda. This helps with the pain in my back.
The messages of love and support flows in from you all via Facebook and private messages, some make me want to cry as I feel so loved and blessed to have you all to support me. Now this impressed me: Jani from the charity Beating Bowel Cancer sent me a message at 2 am regarding my appointment. Not only is that lovely of her but she is also on her holiday. Now that’s dedication for you. See I said that the people from this charity are amazing.
From all of the messages, this one made me happy
Morning. I’m sat here catching up on the last two days blogs and its a beautiful sunny day. Even if it is sunny with you this morning I’m sure that your day ahead does not feel at all sunny. Will be thinking of you and praying and hoping that the consultant has at the very least got a little glimmer of sun on the horizon to share with you. Reading yesterday’s blog it did so feel like you were coming to the end of something, it was almost like you were preparing us your readers but I don’t want to think about that. Whilst we will all want to know the outcome of your meeting not through morbid curiosity but because we care, we will all understand if you just don’t feel like updating today. Those question and answer sessions can be exhausting without even considering the subject matter. You could always put an out of order sign up or normal blog service will be resumed shortly. I will just be one of so many people who will be thinking of you today, so remember when you are in the consulting room or wherever it is you will be, it won’t just be you, Steve and the Dr, all of us your blog buddies will be in there with you, maybe not in body but most definitely in mind. Lots of love xx
and this one made me sad. From a fellow member of the BHS Family who lost a loved one who had cancer but he survived the cancer but following taking chemo had an infection which killed him.
Yeah you’re right..thanks Wendy…yes he had just been given the all clear end of July, but the bloody chemo had just ravaged his body and he ended up with pneumonia which was his cause. Xxx
Ain’t life just shit sometimes hey!
So the day is planned, packing this morning followed by food shopping to pass the day away and then the appointment.
Following taking chemo tablets I’m tired again and so I decide to sleep. I’m woken by a call from Guy, Regional Manager BHS, it’s his last working day. We spent a good half an hour talking and saying our goodbyes. He didn’t know but tears were in my eyes as I said my final goodbye and thank you as he has helped me these last few months as Chris would have done, my ex ex boss. We will remain in touch as he does genuinely care and due to his own life experiences feels at ease talking to me about cancer. He does make me laugh as he says that there should be some balance in my life, that it’s great being able to deal with this shit cards that life has dealt me but where is the call to say I’ve won the lottery! The fact that I don’t do the lottery probably explains the lack of this call but I get his point.
So packing done it’s shower time. I still have to have Steve to help me do this and like post operation I have to sit on a stool, squeezing bottles is too hard, I’m too weak and although I’ve taken painkillers I’m in too much pain again to be on my own. Showered and now ready for part two of the day. I put my pants on and the tumour in my groin pops out on the right hand side, Steve says that it’s not as noticeable as the one in my neck so I say that I’ll just buy turtle neck jumpers and it will be fine. I know I’ll never make it round the shops and was delighted when I came downstairs to Richard saying that he will go food shopping for me, bless him. Thank you also to those of you who have sent messages of support to Steve and Rebecca this morning as it does make a difference to my loved ones to know you care.
The chemo hasn’t worked hence the tumour in my groin and the back pain. The good news is that my lungs and liver are still cancer free. The disease has spread a lot into lymph nodes in my peritoneum and one near my adrenal gland. I have to change chemo treatment which will start in a few weeks where I will have a pic line and the drugs given every 2 weeks for 6 cycles. I will have another CT scan half way to see if it’s working. Dr Weaver said to prepare myself for total hair loss or up to at least 30% hair loss (this bit makes me sad as I think it’s cancer’s final insult) I asked the question of when did the18 – 24 months clock start ticking and he said from diagnosis (February). So I won’t plan my 50th Birthday bash just yet hey.
I have been given liquid morphine for pain.