Round and round we go

Last night after a Chinese for 7, Nicky, Steve and I sat and chatted until about 10 pm and then as planned us girlies watched the XFactor. I also, as I do every night if mom isn’t with us called my mom to see how her day went. She felt bad that she wasn’t here to help Steve and I on Friday with the trauma of the prescription. She also was sad about the questions I asked at the meeting with our Oncologist. I did admit that whilst I asked the question about signing me as terminal that I had hoped that he would have replied ‘no, don’t you worry about that, we are no way near that yet’ but instead he said that he thought Dr Weaver would support my request. Steve remained positive as normal and as I hadn’t told him prior to the meeting that I was going to ask them to sign me as terminal I thought he coped really well.

XFactor done we all returned to our chatting away about life in general. Nicky and Steve enjoy a drink and it’s funny but I don’t even fancy a beer and I’m happy with a hot chocolate, oh how my life has changed. Steve and Rebecca get my stuff ready for bed. Hot water bottle, V shaped pillow and oral morphine just in case I need it through the night. Now I just want to thank my lovely daughter as yesterday was a busy day and with visitors coming she did all the housework for me. She is so helpful and caring and I appreciate it’s Saturday and she still is a devoted daughter to helping her mom, bless her.

Steve goes to bed and Nicky and I sit up for another hour. It’s nice to chat just the two of us, old mates who’s friendship started at such a young age. But I also stay up to take my last painkilling tablets and to make sure I’m tired enough to sleep. at 1 am we head off to bed, this is early for us but I’m tired. Steve was still awake and I was hoping that he would have been asleep so that he didn’t worry about me. As soon as I lie down the pain starts to build, Now the pain in my back was hurting in the hour before I went to bed but I was hoping it would pass. I tossed and turned, sat up, lay down, tossed and turned but no position was comfortable. I took the oral morphine and tried again to sleep. Steve says that he won’t sleep until I’m asleep and tries to comfort me. I can’t lie down in any position it’s just too painful. At 1.45 to decide enough is enough I have to leave Steve to sleep so I return downstairs. At 2.30 I take a 800mg Ibuprofen as I still have that in reserve but this doesn’t work either. At 3.15 am I decide that although it’s dark I need to be in my chemo gazebo, maybe I can sleep there. But no that didn’t work either and the pain just went on and on and on. Not a dull pain but acute deep throbbing that won’t go away. I try everything I know, trying to relax my body and breathing through the pain. I try every position and mind over matter but still no relief. I wonder how bad the pain would be if I haven’t had the drugs to help, that doesn’t bear thinking about. I must have finally nodded off and about 4.30 am to wake again at 5.30 am in pain. I hang on until 6 am when I can take today’s collection of drugs. I thought we had cracked the pain, I had great hopes yesterday of getting the pain under control. I just don’t understand how I could still be in so much pain after all the drugs I had taken.

DSC05776I sat alone thinking of the night before. One of the most frustrating thing for me and Steve is that due to the pain we are unable to just cuddle. I would love to just lie in his arms and feel safe and secure, loved and just as any couple should be, just close. We both miss this part of our lives. The naughty stuff is missed too but it’s the simple pleasure of a hug that we would both enjoy and treasure. I am never alone in the garden as the birds feeding on our bird table are always very busy first thing in the morning, so just for you I have taken a photo of my tits on my fat balls, enjoy!

At around 9 am Nicky woke up, fabulous as I had some company at last. We sit drinking coffee in the chemo gazebo and I said ‘I haven’t seen the squirrel now for 4 days’ and honestly as soon as I finished my sentence the squirrel appeared on the garden, Tia (the ungrateful rescued cat) saw it and ran after it the chase it away. Molly as it was early was of course no where to be seen. I did however manage to grab my phone in time to record the squirrel. Here is the evidence and we have decided to call the it ‘Spike the Squirrel’

Beth woke and we were going through old photos and enjoying sharing precious shared memories of our past years and friendship when Keith called to say that ‘Soots’ the rabbit was very ill and needed to be put down. Soots was 9 years old which is a grand age for a rabbit. So within 10 minutes Nicky and Beth were packed and heading home to say their last goodbyes to their treasured pet.

With the plan of the day now changed Steve and I finished the garage tidy up. Richard and Louise walked Molly and then Richard poo picked and cut the grass for me as the builders are coming tomorrow. At 3 pm after some lunch I fell asleep until 6 pm. Mom had come down at 1 pm to see Richard and so bless her she has started the Sunday dinner otherwise we would have all starved.

I wake to Mary’s text to say she has placed the fund raising onto my Just Giving page which was lovely to wake up to. Thank you to everyone who contributed to the money raised.

I’m hoping for sleep tonight as I have chemo tomorrow. Amanda from Ian Rennie called this afternoon to check up on me and she insisted that I call them in the night if it happens again. I did consider this last night but I didn’t want to trouble anyone, so bloody British of me hey?

I hope that you all enjoyed your weekend and I know Rita would have been praying for us all but my request list to her was for Karen, Frankie, my loved ones and for peace for everyone, not a lot to ask for I thought.

Tomorrow’s post will include photos of my wig, and Molly’s new toy. All will be revealed tomorrow for your pleasure 🙂 x



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Married to Steve, I have two children - Rebecca and Richard. Steve has two children, Lauren and Chris. Rebecca lives with us (nurse Rebecca) and my mom Judy also has become nurse and housekeeper but lives in the West Midlands. My son is in the Army and comes home when he can. I am 47, born in 1967 and I was told I had bowel cancer on 22nd Feb 2015 and this blog is my journey through it. I hope it helps you as you were the reason I started it.

16 thoughts on “Round and round we go”

  1. Wen it was great to see you all this weekend. To have Titch, Rebecca and Beth together again was really special too. I’m so sorry it was cut short but I am also thankful that myself and especially Beth got to say goodbye to our special boy and give him some cuddles. Love you all always!!!! Say hi to your mom too! Xx

  2. I’m so sad for you, when are you going to get this pain under control, you must be at your wits end, good luck for tomorrow for your 2nd cycle, don’t stress,
    All my love as always, what would we do without our moms hey, God bless you, xxxxxxxxxx

    1. Mom’s are special hey. I have to give these new drugs a chance to work so I’m sticking with them and hoping they will work xx

  3. well we have had a weekend of bare bum YMCA juddys favorite game lol i do hope you enjoy the photos and juddy wants front page spread lol fabulous idea of yours wend pls complain more about your pain till they get it to a manageable level for you but i do love that you have had some quality time with your friends and family i hope next weeks not too tough and you start to kick arse with your pain love n juddy hugs xxxx

    1. OMG I can’t wait for the world to see the Juddy’s photo, amazing and lovely to speak to you tonight too. So so proud of the big man 🙂 xx

  4. hi wendy
    sorry to hear that bastard pain is not under control, it sounds like you’re taking enough drugs to stop a small rhino!!! (not that i’m saying your a rhino no offence meant ) hope tonight is an easier one if not make sure, in the words of who wants to be a millionaire, you phone that friend!! from Ian Rennie at least having someone to talk, rant or rave at may at least take your mind of it slightly.
    Thinking of you all everyday

    1. Your comments made me laugh, your right though I take enough drugs to kill a small animal and it is a bastard! After speaking to the nurse today I will phone them if I get into trouble tonight xx

  5. hi babe from me to you hope my photos help your calendar make loads of money let me know before they are published in case i have to go in hiding, but do let me know if this is anything else i can do for you. love the big man xxxx

    1. Brilliant, amazing, funny and made my day, just fantastic and I can’t wait to show the world your bum LOL thank you so so so so much xxx

  6. Oh Wendy I’m so sorry the wretched pain is back with a vengeance. I’m praying that tonight is better. It’s so lonely in the night and not being able to hug is awful. Love you and thinking of you and thank you for staying so positive in your posts Xxxxxxx

  7. Hey Sweetie
    It has been another tough one for you & the family.
    It’s soul destroying knowing your pain & your loved ones observing it 🙁 xxx
    I like everyone else pray for your relief and pain management to kick in, because you sure as hell can not go on like this.

    It was lovely to hear you enjoy quality time with Nicky 🙂
    Gathering Daisies is good.
    And work starts tomorrow how exciting xxx
    We shall all be waiting for daily updates on working progress.

    Well my lovely I lit our candles & said our prayers & took our holy communion so lets hope the big fella was listening xxx

    Praying for a peaceful pain free night for you
    Love & Hugs Always xxxx <3<3<3

    1. thanks for the prayers and the daily love. I had a lovely weekend it’s just the pain control now as we will find the answer and get it under control. Lots of love my angel xx

  8. So sad you are in so much pain again Wendy you really should call Amanda at night like she said you can’t keep suffering like this you sounded so much happier the other night when you had your pain under control…thinking of you today having chemo and lots of love and thinking of you all Aunty Judy, Steve, Richard and Rebecca xxxxx

    1. I know it’s hard to read about but I have to try and give these new drugs a chance and they can take up too a week to work. I’ll give your love to mom and everyone else. Chemo went well today and you can read all about my day later, don’t be sad as I’ve had a lovely day xxx

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