Round and round we go

Last night after a Chinese for 7, Nicky, Steve and I sat and chatted until about 10 pm and then as planned us girlies watched the XFactor. I also, as I do every night if mom isn’t with us called my mom to see how her day went. She felt bad that she wasn’t here to help Steve and I on Friday with the trauma of the prescription. She also was sad about the questions I asked at the meeting with our Oncologist. I did admit that whilst I asked the question about signing me as terminal that I had hoped that he would have replied ‘no, don’t you worry about that, we are no way near that yet’ but instead he said that he thought Dr Weaver would support my request. Steve remained positive as normal and as I hadn’t told him prior to the meeting that I was going to ask them to sign me as terminal I thought he coped really well.

XFactor done we all returned to our chatting away about life in general. Nicky and Steve enjoy a drink and it’s funny but I don’t even fancy a beer and I’m happy with a hot chocolate, oh how my life has changed. Steve and Rebecca get my stuff ready for bed. Hot water bottle, V shaped pillow and oral morphine just in case I need it through the night. Now I just want to thank my lovely daughter as yesterday was a busy day and with visitors coming she did all the housework for me. She is so helpful and caring and I appreciate it’s Saturday and she still is a devoted daughter to helping her mom, bless her.

Steve goes to bed and Nicky and I sit up for another hour. It’s nice to chat just the two of us, old mates who’s friendship started at such a young age. But I also stay up to take my last painkilling tablets and to make sure I’m tired enough to sleep. at 1 am we head off to bed, this is early for us but I’m tired. Steve was still awake and I was hoping that he would have been asleep so that he didn’t worry about me. As soon as I lie down the pain starts to build, Now the pain in my back was hurting in the hour before I went to bed but I was hoping it would pass. I tossed and turned, sat up, lay down, tossed and turned but no position was comfortable. I took the oral morphine and tried again to sleep. Steve says that he won’t sleep until I’m asleep and tries to comfort me. I can’t lie down in any position it’s just too painful. At 1.45 to decide enough is enough I have to leave Steve to sleep so I return downstairs. At 2.30 I take a 800mg Ibuprofen as I still have that in reserve but this doesn’t work either. At 3.15 am I decide that although it’s dark I need to be in my chemo gazebo, maybe I can sleep there. But no that didn’t work either and the pain just went on and on and on. Not a dull pain but acute deep throbbing that won’t go away. I try everything I know, trying to relax my body and breathing through the pain. I try every position and mind over matter but still no relief. I wonder how bad the pain would be if I haven’t had the drugs to help, that doesn’t bear thinking about. I must have finally nodded off and about 4.30 am to wake again at 5.30 am in pain. I hang on until 6 am when I can take today’s collection of drugs. I thought we had cracked the pain, I had great hopes yesterday of getting the pain under control. I just don’t understand how I could still be in so much pain after all the drugs I had taken.

I sat alone thinking of the night before. One of the most frustrating thing for me and Steve is that due to the pain we are unable to just cuddle. I would love to just lie in his arms and feel safe and secure, loved and just as any couple should be, just close. We both miss this part of our lives. The naughty stuff is missed too but it’s the simple pleasure of a hug that we would both enjoy and treasure. I am never alone in the garden as the birds feeding on our bird table are always very busy first thing in the morning, so just for you I have taken a photo of my tits on my fat balls, enjoy!

At around 9 am Nicky woke up, fabulous as I had some company at last. We sit drinking coffee in the chemo gazebo and I said ‘I haven’t seen the squirrel now for 4 days’ and honestly as soon as I finished my sentence the squirrel appeared on the garden, Tia (the ungrateful rescued cat) saw it and ran after it the chase it away. Molly as it was early was of course no where to be seen. I did however manage to grab my phone in time to record the squirrel. Here is the evidence and we have decided to call the it ‘Spike the Squirrel’

Beth woke and we were going through old photos and enjoying sharing precious shared memories of our past years and friendship when Keith called to say that ‘Soots’ the rabbit was very ill and needed to be put down. Soots was 9 years old which is a grand age for a rabbit. So within 10 minutes Nicky and Beth were packed and heading home to say their last goodbyes to their treasured pet.

With the plan of the day now changed Steve and I finished the garage tidy up. Richard and Louise walked Molly and then Richard poo picked and cut the grass for me as the builders are coming tomorrow. At 3 pm after some lunch I fell asleep until 6 pm. Mom had come down at 1 pm to see Richard and so bless her she has started the Sunday dinner otherwise we would have all starved.

I wake to Mary’s text to say she has placed the fund raising onto my Just Giving page which was lovely to wake up to. Thank you to everyone who contributed to the money raised.

I’m hoping for sleep tonight as I have chemo tomorrow. Amanda from Ian Rennie called this afternoon to check up on me and she insisted that I call them in the night if it happens again. I did consider this last night but I didn’t want to trouble anyone, so bloody British of me hey?

I hope that you all enjoyed your weekend and I know Rita would have been praying for us all but my request list to her was for Karen, Frankie, my loved ones and for peace for everyone, not a lot to ask for I thought.

Tomorrow’s post will include photos of my wig, and Molly’s new toy. All will be revealed tomorrow for your pleasure 🙂 x