Regional Meeting

On 14th April there was a regional store managers meeting which was being held in my local store which I wanted to go to as I just had to sit and even I could do that by now but HR said that they were worried about me getting up the stairs and that as I was still signed off sick by the hospital I couldn’t go, so I arranged to meet everyone who wanted to see me outside Nero’s for a coffee at 4.30.
Now my store is sadly 35 miles away from my house otherwise I would have been in to see what was going on everyday whilst off pre and post Harry coming out so I invited Emma to come and stay the night with us so that there was no rushing around the M25 for her in the morning. It was so lovely to see Emma and have her in our house, we have worked together for 4 years and at work they call us the Wemma effect LOL, we just make a great team. She has all the brains and I just bulldoze everyone into doing whatever mad plan we have come up with. Throughout life we all meet some wonderful people and we are blessed by them and they just stay with you, Emma and Nicky are two of those such people.
Emma left for the meeting and I was in the agreed meeting place at 4.30. Now I hadn’t seen my peer group for months and me being me and not wanting anyone to feel embarrassed decided to take the piss out of myself. My mate Steve prior to the meeting had advised that I should have my XFactor speech ready so when asked how I felt I had to reply “Scarred, sore and shitting through the eye of a needle” and so that was how it started. I made fun of myself and cancer and played the whole thing down. The managers must have thought I was mad and the usual shit that people come out with poured out of them not knowing the hurt they were causing, like “You are so positive” “If anyone can beat this you can” “Be properly selfish” “take care of yourself and forget about work” “Be strong” oh and the old classic “I’m sure you will be fine”
Now I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve got stage 3 cancer, a third of my bowel has been removed, I have cancerous lymph nodes left inside of me spreading all the time, I only have a 25% chance of living past 5 years, I have to endure months of chemo and you sit there with your life and your own little worries and I want to punch you! Why don’t they get it, why can’t they see that not living is worse, I don’t want to forget work, my life, my loved ones, I want to run naked in the sun and not have a care in the world, I want freedom from cancer I don’t want to be properly selfish and doss at home!!!!
I held my tongue and said nothing but listened to the well meaning phrases and we all then said our goodbyes. We return home for coffee before Emma has to go again from my world, back to a world I know and understand and the guilt of not being there to help her kills me.
I’m sat on the sofa in the kitchen and Emma gets it, she knows me, she can see the hurt their words have had on me, I can’t hold back the tears anymore and I cry, Emma cries and the sadness engulfs us.
Emma had to go home and when she left I had yet again not been strong enough, not strong enough for her, my kids, my mom, my hubby as I couldn’t control the emotion and that meant I had failed.
Why do we consider emotion such an embarrassment, I am not sure but I think for me if you let people see your true fears then they become real, you give them life and living in fear is not easy.
Steve returned home from work and asked how I was to which I replied “I’m fine” I’d been able to pull myself together for him anyway.