Rain, pain and more rain

Last night there was a tribute programme on for Julie Walters. I’ve always loved anything she has been in and so I watch this with mom and Richard. We are passing time, as Rebecca’s train is due in at 23.07. Calendar Girls, the film is on next, a great film but probably not the best one to watch at the moment.

Steve leaves to fetch Rebecca and he has told her of the trauma of the house move, whoops I haven’t told you that bit yet.

IMG_4230So last night we set off to Brean sands to take Molly to the sea, within 10 minutes of arriving it starts raining so after just 30 minutes on the beach where at least we can get a signal, as back at the house the internet is beyond awful and we all either have ‘buffer face’ or no signal at all. Catching up on line done we head back to the house. The plan was to have an Indian tonight. As we wind down country lanes my phone rings, it’s Christine the lady I booked the accommodation with. She says to Steve that we were in the wrong house that she forgot we had a dog and that she wants us to move to other house on the site. Steve is not happy; we pull over for me to speak to her. I understand where she is coming from as the house is lovely and I would hate to ruin the carpets so we agree that I will call her when we get back, after we have had something to eat.

We go in search of a Tesco Direct as we both needed fags. There is a chippy next to Tesco’s so I suggest that as we have to move house when we get back we save time and get fish and chips.

Back at the house the food is so bad that it ends up in the bin, I can’t describe how bad it was, the batter was like no other I had ever seen, more like shoe leather.

Steve goes off to get Burger King and I call Christine. The house she wants us to move into has a small fridge and no dishwasher so I say no to moving, as it is her mistake. Richard in the meantime has packed up the kitchen, which now has to be unpacked but he was only trying to help. Steve returns with Burger King, the rain gets worse and the only good news is that we are not moving.

IMG_4243Okay so Rebecca arrives but looks like the trip into London and the 2-½ hour train journey has taken its toll on her, she looks pale. Everyone goes to bed and Steve and I have a beer outside. The pain then starts in my back and groin. We go to bed and I have to have more pain killers as you know when you are in so much pain that you can’t stand to even move, well it was like that. I tell Steve he has to sleep as it’s now after 1 am and he was up early. I wedge a pillow between my legs and try to sleep. I wake at 4.30 pain still so intense that I’m up and at the painkillers again before even I have a coffee.

IMG_4238So I then get myself a coffee and my fags and go outside, as it’s no smoking indoors at the house, it’s still raining. After my 2nd coffee I need the loo but I don’t make it in time and now I have shit running down my legs, over my dressing gown, on my slippers and on the floor. Oh for fecks sake, can this get any worse? I clean myself and everything else as best I can. Mom wakes at 7 am and so I use their bathroom to have a shower, lucky for me I opened Richard’s birthday present early a complete Superdry outfit and I don’t have to wake Steve up to get to it. After a shower I’m back in clean clothes. Dressing gown in the washing machine, excellent back to normal.

Everyone else eventually wakes up and I tell them all of my awful night. I’m still in pain, it’s still raining and I can hardly walk. We decide whilst it’s raining to go to Morrison’s and get a chicken for today and have a roast dinner as I don’t think I can’t cope with anymore takeaways. Steve, Rebecca and I go. They have a massive display of things to do in the local area. So with shopping brought, including a birthday cake for Beth we head home with visions of quad bikes, country walks and steam train rides for the day.

But life doesn’t always go to plan does it. I cook Steve breakfast and have a Danish myself then it’s back to the sofa with my hot water bottles for comfort. Just going to the shops is so hard and takes it out of me. I can’t go outside as it’s still raining L and Rebecca joins me and I slowly nod off. I wake to Steve swearing about wanting to get out of the fucking place as it’s doing his head in and he can’t stand watching another minute of Jeremy Kyle.

Oh no whilst I had slept my loved ones had gone into meltdown. Rebecca and Mom go out to get Rebecca a coat as she hasn’t got one and Richard decides to take Molly out for a walk.

Steve and I are left alone, alone now there’s a word. Trapped in the same nightmare but from different angles but both alone in how we feel. Steve tries to talk to me, I make an excuse to go into the kitchen for a tissue and sob my eyes out, and all the activity leaflets still on the table advertising great fun filled family holidays. Crying didn’t even help lift my mood, I wanted to scream. I return to Steve outside. Now I am not going to go into all the details but for the first time ever on this shit journey neither of us can cope anymore and we sobbed together, neither of us able to help the other.

Richard returns with Molly and takes Steve out to get canvas chairs, a duvet and some trainers for Steve as he only packed his formal shoes.

I know coping with cancer is going to get worse, it’s eating away at me again, not just physically but my health, my emotions and my strength of character, I fear what’s to come so much and what I will be putting my loved ones through, this makes my so sad as they can’t cope and neither can I.

Left alone but not for long, Mom and Rebecca return with canvas chairs, bless them for trying to solve just one of our problems.

The door goes and Nicky and Beth arrive. They bring the sunshine with them J Steve returns with Richard with all things purchased plus the game Cluedo to play together, in Steve’s excitement to show me what he had brought he tripped on the rug in the front room and spilled the surprise Iced Coffee Frappe for me from McDonalds all over the rug.

Now Christine was worried about the dog making a mess but between me shitting myself and Steve with his spillage the dog is the least destructive of us all.

Rug washed and chairs all out for everyone Steve suggests we go for a walk around the lake. Walking is so painful, every step sends a sharp pain down my leg, and we don’t walk far and return for me to have another sleep.

Awake again Steve and Richard are playing chess together, mom and Nicky have been cooking the roast chicken and Rebecca and Beth flit between the two.

After dinner we are planning another trip to the sea, rain or not before Richard has to leave us to return to work.

I usually get my mom and Steve to edit my posts but not today, I will spare them reading how bad things are so any mistakes blame me, sorry.


We enjoy a lovely roast chicken Sunday diner, thanks mom and Beth as promised enjoyed her birthday cake.







Lets hope things get better hey, as tomorrow is always another day 🙂

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Married to Steve, I have two children - Rebecca and Richard. Steve has two children, Lauren and Chris. Rebecca lives with us (nurse Rebecca) and my mom Judy also has become nurse and housekeeper but lives in the West Midlands. My son is in the Army and comes home when he can. I am 47, born in 1967 and I was told I had bowel cancer on 22nd Feb 2015 and this blog is my journey through it. I hope it helps you as you were the reason I started it.

16 thoughts on “Rain, pain and more rain”

  1. Don’t worry about having blow outs, you only have each other to let it out on, both have a good shout and scream when you are able to walk around the lake release some of the pent up anger, I’m sure it will get better and you’ll have a good family time together, thinking of you all, loves ya , xxxxxx

  2. Hic ups happen wend !!!! Good days bad days cry as much as you want to sometimes it helps , makes you feel but of release xxxx big hug xxx

  3. Aw Sweetheart, what a horrid start to your wee holiday 🙁 xxx
    My heart was breaking as I read this evenings journey <3
    My heart goes out to you & Steve this is such a emotional stage in this journey , its tragic and so very, very sad x
    I sat outside in the car after mass and read it when you said it had gone on x
    So I sat and cried as I read it and asked myself why isn't God hearing our prayers , I pray that he did tonight and I pray you all find peace and calmness for the remainder of your family get away xx
    You were right not to move, I certainly wouldn't have.

    Wendy have you tried the morphine yet honey? I know you don't want to but maybe just at bedtime to give you a peaceful nights sleep & the strength to get through the day xxx

    Well done to Mollymoo she's the bestest x

    Sending Hugs & Love ALWAYS <3 xxx

    1. oh Rita, he does hear your prayers but he will take me on whatever path he has decided to take me on. I’m sorry I made you and everyone else sad but it’s warts and all and it has to be real so that it helps others. Thanks for your love and support everyday xx

  4. It is ok and understandable for you all to break down with the massive pressures your all under. Hope your holiday gets better. Xxx hugs and kisses

  5. I feel so bad for you reading your blog but sometimes holidays are pressured with trying hard to have fun and just like Christmas it doesn’t all go to plan. We have such high expectations it can be hard to meet them. Being limited by pain and fatigue is awful and can slowly drag you down. It’s hard to keep positive, I know I have been in that dark place and poor sleep doesn’t help. You are all under immense pressure so tension is bound to need to escape from time to time. Steve could do with support outside the family, carers suffer and it’s often easier talking to someone not emotionally involved Take it easy Wendy and don’t put pressure on yourself to have fun. Just relax and enjoy family life in all its guises. Surely the mundane ups and downs of family life provide the best memories. Just taking time out together xxx

    1. Hi Sarah, thanks for your advice and support as ever. Richard was a tower of strength to Steve today and yes he needs help but he needs to seek it for himself. I know you understand the pain of disease and fatigue, it’s just so awful for others to watch but I can’t spare them from it, it’s so sad. We will make the best of the rain and tomorrow is another day hey xx

  6. Your blogg tonight just broke my heart, you were so looking forward to your family break and this hasn’t been the best start.
    You need to get this pain under control Wendy, take what needs to be taken rather than trying to soldier on without pain relief, especially while your away.
    Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to keep up and please everyone, just chill and have important family time. I know you want to be doing, go to the beach with everyone, while there running around with Mollymoo sit and watch so your there being part of it but not zapping all your energy.
    Everybody has there breaking point, how you’ve all got this far God only knows.
    As for shitting yourself at least it went on the bloody floor too, serves her right for trying to move you. Oh, and i’m not coming all that way with my mop and bucket to clean up shit from the floor like at work though, ha ha ha, my god we’ve cleaned up some shit hey Wendy!
    Hope you all have a better day tomorrow, love to everyone. X

    1. Hi Mary Poppins and yes lol we have cleaned up some shit at work. it’s been a hard day for us all and it’s hard sharing this stuff with everyone as I know itmakes people worry and sad but warts and all was the deal. Have you spoken to linda yet for me? better text me when you can rather than on the blog, give everyone my love xx

  7. SO glad that you stood your ground and didn’t change houses! Got quite indignant there for a second with “that woman” for trying to make you leave! The nerve to even have asked after she made the mistake! It does stink that you and Steve had such a bad time of things. Poor guy, tried to bring you a treat and all. 🙁 Hopefully the rest of you guys time goes more smoothly! xx

    1. Thanks Bev, or should I say nanny Bev, enjoy your new granddaughter, glad she arrived safely into your family xx

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