I’m Back :-)

I hope you all had a great weekend. Karen shared her story with you all yesterday, glad you liked it (an odd phrase to use but you know what I mean). Thanks for your messages to her left on the blog and for sharing her post with your friends. It takes real guts to share personal stuff with people you don’t know so I’m proud of her, thanks chemo bud and big hugs x

So back to Saturday and family day. Well that’s the trouble with planning isn’t it! I like a plan but like life plans can go wrong or just change direction. The plan was relax with family in the morning – Richard is not well with his sinuses. Lunch with quesadillas – new recipe that went well. Lauren arrives lunchtime – she couldn’t make it. Troy Boy and guests arranged to arrive at 2pm – they are running late. Guests should have arrived at 2 and left in time for me to have a sleep before going out to Nandos  – cos they arrived late I didn’t get my sleep. Family meal out – didn’t happen as too tired – Richard went to a Wedding reception, Lauren wasn’t down and Rebecca went to a friends party. Ended up with a Chinese take -a-way which was okay but not from where we normally order due to an online discount offer, should have known better. So curfew and family time ended up being Steve and I walking Molly. But if I walk my groin tumour gets upset and as the discomfort builds the slower and more disabled I look but Molly was happy as it was walk number 2 for her today. Back home I’m so tired I end up going to bed early and as this is the only night Steve can stay up with me due to him working it’s a real shame but I’m not great company and I leave him at just after midnight, poor Steve.

Now it’s not all bad as I did have a lovely day and lots of laughs with Bee, Tee, Shobs, Ish and of course my Troy Boy. Troy is my Operations Manager at work. It’s weird that he is in my home but it’s so lovely to see him. His sister had bowel cancer and survived and is now cancer free. We had a great time reliving fond memories of a troubled working relationship but one of respect now and fun times spent together. As I have said before I’m not the easiest of bosses, I’m demanding, a perfectionist, I’ll check everything until I can trust and probably a 100 other annoying traits that past and present work colleagues would add to the list. In my early years at Kingston I had pushed and pushed and pushed Troy too hard, questioned everything and drove him mad. One late afternoon he came into my office (lucky for me I was sat down) he threw his store keys at me shouting “I’ve had a fucking nough of you” and walked out. I ducked quickly to avoid the flying keys and was worried that I pushed my poor Troy Boy too far. Troy stormed out and followed by Ish and they went to the pub. Troy calmed down and sent me a text which I never got. After  a few hours and the store ready to be shut down  as I hadn’t heard from Troy I had to report to Julie (Regional Manager at the time) what had happened. Troy returned the next day and we agreed a way to work together. We often laugh about that day. It was the start of a new working relationship which over the years has always been bumpy shall we say but mutual trust and a deep understanding of each other as it’s foundation.

Here is the famous chemo gazebo shot of us all and I found a boxing glove which adds to the shot I think lol. I think Troy secretly misses me at work and my constant demands. When you work with people for years there is no hiding and some of us bond and some of us don’t but like the relationship I have with Mr Grump Bum, Troy and I have a loyalty which is irreplaceable. Troy brings me a 4 pack of Stella, he knows the old Wendy too well. Two bags of Nero’s coffee beans courtesy of Linda, cheers my good friend, miss you and our 4.30 chats. Tee and Shobs brought me a flower and a bottle of Millionaire perfume, thank you so much as now I can smell lovely. I am also stocked up with flowers, biscuits and chocolates again, I am so lucky and very grateful of their presents but I just want to share moments with people and gifts whilst lovely are not as precious as the people who bring them.

Now this one will make you laugh. As Richard is not well and he is going to the chemist he asks if we want anything so Steve quickly says yes following my telling off on Friday with the Oncologist that I needn’t be in pain. Steve tells Richard to get me some Ibuprofen liquid tablets as these work for me. Guess what he returns with? Ibuprofen liquid in a bottle and on the box is a picture of children with the words ‘safe for children from 3 months to 12 years’. Now there’s a LOL moment he won’t ever live down at home. Back he has to go to change it. Now I know he has no idea of the pain I suffer as I like to hid it from my loved ones but I don’t think his choice of pain killer would even touch it, bless him, he tried.

After Friday’s news on the possible fact that I may not be here to draw my pension, go senile and wet myself, ever have a free bus pass or a telegram from the Queen time takes on a whole new meaning and my constant thoughts of not wanting to leave my life, wanting to always be with my loved ones, sharing precious memories fills my days. It makes me sad that I may never see my kids marry or know any grandchildren. That Steve and I will never retire together after working full time (apart from pregnancy breaks with my kids) since the age of 15. The times we have discussed this as I’m sure you all have, what you will do in later life, which one of your kids will have children first etc. Now that may all be taken away from me and it makes me so sad.

I also really worry about Molly as she is only 3 years old. I talked this through with my mom on Molly’s first walk on Saturday morning. We discuss having her re-homed with another family as a dog is a massive commitment that Steve didn’t really agree to and Rebecca whilst she walks her daily and loves her too may not want her or to continue to live with Steve, mom can’t commit to her and Richard’s Army life and the times spent away from home would not be right for Molly. It breaks my heart as Molly is happy with her life, loved so much by us all so I even think that having her put down could be an option. Steve has agreed that as long as there is someone to walk her then he will keep her in the family home, her home. This means so much to me, thank you Steve as I’m sure people will offer to help out and mom will always dog sit for holidays.

I’ll share with you all  a nice but sad true story. One day shortly after my dad died I was in the car with Rebecca, she was about 7 years old and don’t you just love how simply kids look at the world. She has been told that Grandad couldn’t be with us anymore and that he is in heaven with Jesus but he can’t come back to be with us. Rebecca asks me if she can go and visit her Grandad with Jesus in heaven, I have to try to explain that it doesn’t work like that and that we are not allowed to go and visit them (I’m struggling to make this make sense to me let alone a 7 year old) she then says “but I’ll be good mommy” Now don’t we always use the ‘be good and then we will see’ line on our kids all too often and now poor Rebecca thinks that this is how she can get to see her Granddad again. She continues with pleas of I’ll be good and quiet and I won’t be naughty, please mom can I go and see him. A simple request from a child and as parents we would if we could grant them any wish but this wish is sadly out of my control and I can’t make my daughter’s wish come true, who through her pleas is breaking my heart. I try to explain again and again but in the end I had to revert to the old mommy trick of diversion and just change the subject. Probably about Mr Blobby as Rebecca loved Mr Blobby and singing the song normally worked every time.

At least Sunday almost went to plan, all awake except Richard who didn’t return until the wee hours from the wedding . Homemade McDonalds sausage, bacon and egg bagels made with an extra plate of egg for Molly as it’s her favourite. Richard finally wakes up but only after we sent Molly into his room and he looks shocking LOL. We all go for a family walk with Molly over Whiteleaf Hill, a local beauty spot. On our return I treat everyone to a McDonalds milkshake, well I had the Iced Coffee Mocha Frappe. Now this tastes so so so good to me, for many reasons, because I can actually taste it, it’s cold which is so nice after two weeks of not being able to drink anything cold and it feels normal, normal family going through the drive through without a care in the world after a family walk, who would ever know the truth hey.

Home again I sleep and Steve, Richard and Rebecca play MarioKart and I wake to hear Rebecca laughing, how wonderful. Roast pork is cooking courtesy of mom and tonight for curfew time is Richard’s choice and he wants to watch Schindlers List, a cheerful film LOL. So that’s my family weekend coming to a close. Thanks to Rita and the Methodist Church in Kingswinford who I know will be praying for me amongst others. I’m worried about Rita as her messages have not been the same since Friday’s bad news. It’s okay Rita as I’m strong and humour will see us all through. That, drugs and prayers hey.

Emma is coming to see me tomorrow to do work stuff and I’m looking forward to seeing her again. So enjoy the rest of your weekend, like me sharing precious moments with loved ones.